Mom has advanced dementia. No short term memory at all. Bad balance issues and ankle arthritis. Lives alone next door to my sister, who works during the day. I live an hour away and spend two days a week with her to pay bills, make sure meds are in order, clean, laundry, and take her for doc appointments, grocery shop. Our brother, who lives about 30 minutes away, rarely visits or calls her, and is oblivious of her declining condition. She used to have a couple of whiskey toddies in the evenings (she and her late second husband got into that habit, and she continued it after he died). We thought it was not a big deal for her to enjoy a drink in the evenings to pass the time in her loneliness- but this past year, with her declining mobility, her drinking made her balance issues worse, and she had a fall in December - I found her the next morning after a night on the floor - the empty whiskey drink glass still sitting on the table......so I knew it contributed. No injuries, but that fall increased her cognitive and physical decline tremendously. She's now dependent on a walker, and can barely get around. The day she fell, I told her no more drinking. Poured out the remaining whiskey and told her we would no longer take her to the store to purchase alcohol. She has been mad at us ever since, but we explain that it's for her safety. A couple months ago, we found a bottle of whiskey hidden in a cabinet - our brother had bought it for her at her request. We gave it back to him and said she can't drink - a month later, it was back in the cabinet - he had brought it back to her. We took it again and poured it out. We reminded him that she can't drink. He just doesn't get it. Then I found another bottle yesterday - asked her about it, and she said she asked him to bring it to her - she started crying, because she'd been busted once again - I told her I wasn't mad at her - I'm mad at him for enabling her and not getting it - it's for her safety. He won't answer my calls or texts explaining that she simply cannot drink.....she overpours and drinks too much. He doesn't want to or doesn't seem to understand her decline and safety issues. Are we wrong to tell her no? We have medical and durable power of attorney. We do everything for her - for her health and safety. He does nothing and it angers both of us. Opinions?
Your brother is giving her the booze for the "pat on the head" he has probably gotten from her his entire life. You are more than likely not going to be able to change the dynamics of their relationship.
Focus on the bigger issue. Mom needs more care and should not be left alone. Your brother is not going to be of any help, so don't expend any emotion or energy being angry at him. He is a speed bump...move past him and focus on how to care for mom.
You did ask for opinions on your mom's situation, so I'll give you mine.
Yes, it would be wrong to completely cut your mother off having her whisky. What else does she enjoy at this point in her life?
You can restrict how much she can have though. Your sister lives next door. Would she be willing to keep the whisky bottle at her house and let mom have one dram in the evening and no more?
Then make your brother aware of this new arrangement. Tell him that if he's going to leave a full bottle then he can stay there while mom gets lit to make sure she doesn't get hurt.
I'm pretty sure he's not willing to do that and will probably agree to stop bringing by a bottle for her.
If he refuses to stop leaving off a bottle for mom, the next time she's drunk put her in the car and drop her off at his house no matter what time it is. Let him deal with it. That will stop his whisky delivery service for sure.
It's a safety vs feedom of choice issue. Or quality of life vs quantity.
Just going to ask if you have read this book by Atul Gawande?
Being Mortal: Medicine & What Matters in the End.
Maybe it will help, maybe not with this exact issue but for the bigger picture. Your brother may have a different approach. If you can be curious about his reasons & ask him why it may be interesting. Keep an open mind. All perspectives can be useful.
Therein lies the problem.
You only have control over your own behavior. Not mom's and certainly not brother's.
As long as she lives alone and has not been declared incompetent, she is free to do as she pleases.
Look at the bigger picture. Your mother needs to be in a care situation with 24/7 oversight; either round the clock at home caregivers or a facility suited to her current level of need.
Maybe you should have an all-sibling meeting and come up with a solution, like she can have in her home every day the equivalent of 1 drink so that she can't overindulge. The sister who lives next door may be willing to manage this. Or, someone goes over there after dinner and enjoys the cocktail hour with her.
Growing up my Italian-American family had a small cocktail before dinner religiously. When I visit we still do it. It's not a lot, 1 drink, but we chat and decompress from the day together. You are worried about your mother's body suffering but in the meantime her "self" is suffering. All the caregivers on this forum understand this quandary.
BarbBrooklyn makes good points about her being alone and unattended. In a care facility she will at least have people to talk to and activities and events to attend and no one will be needlessly orbiting around her and fretting. Who has PoA for her? This person can read the document to see when their legal authorities are activated and can then start making decisions in her best interests. If she has no PoA, this needs to be accomplished sooner rather than later, but with all the siblings so that there's transparency and no one can later say, "I didn't know _____". I wish you family harmony and much success in helping her have a better quality of life.
First off we turned the oven off, so she could no longer use it. It was not safe. She forgot and left it on with a pan on the oven. She used it to light cigarettes, and wiped off the hot range.
Then, we began watering down her wine so that eventually it was nothing but water and juice. And delivered less and less until she forgot about it. I did the same with the cigarettes, by delivering fewer and fewer.
Both worked - she falls much less, has less incontinence, no longer drinks wine and no longer smokes. It was not to take away her last pleasure - It was to keep her safe from an even worse event. Just like I took away her car and her driver's license. It was not just a matter for her safety, but for all around her.
The idea that this is some kind of enjoyment seems to make sense on the surface, but it is just a habit. And in too many cases, it creates unnecessary dangers. Now it has been nearly a year past and she rarely, if ever, thinks about drinking and never brings up cigarettes.
Thank you for this post. It is a good example that backs up what I've tried to say - it isn't about denying her pleasure or extending life, but preserving what she does have left and avoiding unnecessary illness, injury or worse!
My grandmother was into the wine - I related how it was for her in a comment. In our case, my parents and aunts were old school and didn't discuss all this with us, despite two of us being more or less adults in college! Had they bothered, I would NEVER have taken my grandmother with me to buy wine OR I would have known to just give her a glass and hide the bottle!!!
But at her age just dilute the whiskey and let her have the two toddies she’s used to. Leave only enough in the bottle for the toddies and refill it daily. Elderly folks fall for many reasons and I question that the alcohol she’s been used to drinking for years caused her fall. It does sound like she should not be living on her own.
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