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Can you provide more information? Are your parents elderly who need special care? Who is the Power of Attorney for your parent's will? Is your brother named in your parent's will, if so, he needs to know his responsibilities. At times parents and children have mixed thoughts and words and this can cause some very deep hurt feelings. It sounds like you have spoken with your brother and requested his help. You may need to see an attorney who has helped your family. I hope there are other people in the world who can hear you and help you. Sincerely
In my personal experience (and from what I've read here) many families have this problem. Your brother may not be contributing to caring for a whole host of reasons so it's important that you get to the bottom of the issue. A heart-to-heart talk with him might be helpful. My brothers didn't help my sister and I with my mom for a long time because they both travel with their jobs and so my sister and I had just taken charge when she had her heart attacks; broke her hip; had a stomach bleed . . . . They felt we had things under control and didn't need their help. After we talked with them and got them to see the things they could offer her they changed and now participate more in her care in as much as they are able. Sometimes the reason for holding back is that every "child" has different experiences with their parents. Yours may have been positive while his may be less positive. Good luck!
Your Brother may be not something that He can do..I think it is Hard for anyone..I knowit is hard for me.Yet, I have no one else to rely on. So you have to be the one to do this..Females have that Intuition. So Please dont be upset at him..let him know that IF he can help to let you know..to watch them sometimes etc..iIF He cannot dont worry there are facilities that can help out. Some ppl just aren't geared for this.
Good Luck with this. I was facing the same issue with my oldest brother. He always said "what can we do to help". Well, when we cam out and asked him for help he ended up writing me a letter that was VERY direct. He told us that dad needed to be in a home and blamed me for his dementia. He said that he could not longer provide support because it was enabling us to not make the choices that need to ne made. My mom & dad live in an attachment to our house. Mom WANTS dad at home and dad is health and happy, although he has dementia. and both myself and my partner are nurses so both of them are well cared for and very safe. Essentially, my brother has cut off all communication with my parents and us. I wish I had a good answer for you. My suggestion would be to be specific about what kind of help you need, but be ready for him to say that he cannot help. I have had a hard time with this, but we know we are supporting mom & dad in living this stage of their lives---the way that they want. I can't be responsible for what anyone else does or does not do. It is a hard think. I hope you get some relief.
Go into the bathroom alone, or into any room that has a mirror, and look into the mirror. That is whose behavior you can control. Pretty limited population, isn't it?
You MAY be able to influence your brother to take a more active role, but you can't make him. How much influence you might have depends in part of what his reasons are for not being active. He doesn't understand what is needed? You can probably fix that. He doesn't really like your parents much? Perhaps you could appeal to his love of you and influence him to help for your sake. He is basically selfish? Hmmm ... that will be hard to overcome.
You get to do exactly what your brother is doing -- decide precisely how much you want to/are able to care for your parents. If what you can/will do plus what your brother can/will do does not cover 100% of what is needed, then you'll need to spend some of the energy you can devote to your parents in researching how to fill the gap.
Know this. You are NOT obligated to pick up the portion your brother won't do. It is OK and sometimes the smartest thing to bring in outside help to fill the gaps.
I'm still trying to find a way to get my siblings to start doing their part too. But like many other deadbeat children of aging parents there is always an excuse as to why they cant. Its funny though how they can always find the time for all their wants, whimes and pleasurable trips and things, but just no time to help with mom. I think that its totally selfish to put all the responsibility on one family member just because they are good hearted and responsible enough to do their best for their loved one, and its just not right that the irresponsible ones take advantage of them. None of us should have to feel like we have to beg for help (and in cases like mine, no matter how I beg, still never get it) when in fact the responsiblity should be shared by all without hesitation.
There is only one person you can control in the entire Universe and that person is you. MY Palliative care Psychologist used to tell me that it is suprising how many people there are in the Western hemisphere of of our planet who are simply unaware-totally lacking in Cognitive thinking. JeanneGibbs answered your question. If you are acting out of love and are able to totally provide for your parent I would not ask my siblings for any help. I would send them a copy of every penny I spend on the parent. I would take tons of photos and make an album of you and your parents going on trips and out to dinner and this will be a record for you to have for after your parent has passed and this can serve as a record for your children-you can show them that this is how you love someone who gave you life and raised you to adulthood and maybe put you thru college and was there for you when you needed them. Teach your children that this is how you feel we are supposed to treat our parents when they need us. Sometimes one sibling out of say 4 doesn't have a clue how to help their aging parent or parent(s). You may never see them until there is a reading of the will if there is a will or the Parents Estate is being divided with the heirs. Often the child who did the most for the parents winds up with the least of the benefits and then the hostilities come out.. You have to remember-it isn't your wishes that have to be followed it is the wishes of the parent or the parents that have to be honored-like it or not. Maybe your parent or parent(s) never taught the children how to treat a parent-I don't know. Maybe your brother feels you took over and he is punishing you. more information would be helpful. Some children just can't deal with it because they are ashamed to say they are broke. There are so many reasons why. You just can't call someone a deadbeat.
Thank you all for all your comments. I found each of them helpful. While I know that each situation is different, it is comforting to know that there are those out there who understand and support me. Take care...
Oh boy, can I relate! My 86 yr old mother had a heart attack last November. I have one sister 2 years older than myself who has 2 "children", ages 29 and 25. When mom was in the hospital all of them were right there. As soon as she was able to be discharged they all "ran for the hills". Mom has been living with my husband and I ever since she left rehab, while my sister and her family see mom once a month. Sis calls mom for 5 minutes every 2nd or 3rd day , and the grandchildren do nothing. No visits, no calls...nothing. It saddens me to see my mom treated this way. To tell you I've tried everything to have my sister and her children do anything for mom would be an understatement! For forty years I've been taking care of my parents, and mom since dad passed. Sis and her family can find a million and one excuses why they can't call, visit or do anything for my mom. My last resort was last January when I asked my sister to help during our vacation. I was told she "will not give up her vacation so my husband and I can take one". This experience has taught me that no matter what you do, you cannot make someone be a responsible, caring human being. I have, and will continue, to look for help elsewhere when hubby and I need a break from caring for mom. Mom's will is to split her estate between my sister and I. When that time comes, I will print every terse email my sister has sent every time I've asked for help and hand that paper to her with her inheritance. That is called "karma".
tanksi Karma in the future is great. Fairness in the present is greater.
Do you have a care agreement with your mother now? If your mother has the resources to pay toward her own upkeep and care that is what she should be using it for -- not saving it to give equally to you and your sister. And mother should pay for the respite care your sister won't provide.
Since your mother has dementia she may someday need services that are beyond you to provide and her estate will dwindle rapidly at that point. There may be nothing left to leave either daughter! But whether there is or not, it only makes sense that the one who is providing care now should get compensated now. If your mother had no money that would be a different story. But as long as she is able to, she should pay her own way in the here-and-now rather than expect one child to carry the load while she saves to be able to leave the other child an equal amount.
Jeannegibbs - mommy and daddy did not raise (at least) one stupid child. Fortunately money is not the issue; it is the caring and loving for a parent that deserves more, and so much more than that! I can only hope my sister and her children get back everything, and exactly what they give.
I believe Jeannegibbs is right on. Tanski-you have proof you didn't just show up expecting to be compensated-you've already gone far beyond the call of duty and deserve reward for your loving effort both in this life and the next. Take Jeannegibbs advice. Contact your stats department of aging and disability-you should be getting compensation now. In Texas your mom has the right to appoint whomever she wants to care for her and the care-giver gets around 8 dolars an hour. In Texas when that inevitable time comes if your mother has an estate valued at more than 20k the state will get it. Lets pray that is a long time from now. I have given my children items I collected over the years now so there will be no bickering after I am gone and I am seeing to it that my loving daughter is being compensated for her endless love
I have had the same exact problem. My brother was initially the DPOA, but didn't come home to visit often, didn't help my mom out, etc. Long story short, I've posted it here before, I found out he was doing her wrong financially, she added me to the DPOA, and he has been angry ever since. So, me being on the DPOA has given him another reason (excuse) not to visit often or help with anything. I believe my brother has issues with my mom from somewhere in the past, but I can't help with that if he doesn't reach out for help. I agree with the other ladies, you are making memories with your parents that no one can take away and no one else will have. And, that's not your fault, it's theirs. Enjoy your parents as much as possible and feel blessed that you won't have to carry around the guilt and regret when they're gone.
If you cannot care for parent.then You really need to get her in a Nursing Facility. Please.So SHE IS CARED FOR PROPERLY asap They have alot of things for her to do..and she will be with other ppl her age group&to do things..etc.
Basically, you can't! My grandparents had 7 kids and 11 grandkids and I was the ONLY one who was willing to care for them (though the others showed up for the reading of the will later). Make sure you have a durable power of attorney/medical power of attorney because the others don't want to help and won't but later on may well want to throw their weight around. I am glad your mom has you.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
So you have to be the one to do this..Females have that Intuition. So Please dont be upset at him..let him know that IF he can help to let you know..to watch them sometimes etc..iIF He cannot dont worry there are facilities that can help out. Some ppl just aren't geared for this.
You MAY be able to influence your brother to take a more active role, but you can't make him. How much influence you might have depends in part of what his reasons are for not being active. He doesn't understand what is needed? You can probably fix that. He doesn't really like your parents much? Perhaps you could appeal to his love of you and influence him to help for your sake. He is basically selfish? Hmmm ... that will be hard to overcome.
You get to do exactly what your brother is doing -- decide precisely how much you want to/are able to care for your parents. If what you can/will do plus what your brother can/will do does not cover 100% of what is needed, then you'll need to spend some of the energy you can devote to your parents in researching how to fill the gap.
Know this. You are NOT obligated to pick up the portion your brother won't do. It is OK and sometimes the smartest thing to bring in outside help to fill the gaps.
Good luck!
MY Palliative care Psychologist used to tell me that it is suprising how many people there are in the Western hemisphere of of our planet who are simply unaware-totally lacking in Cognitive thinking. JeanneGibbs answered your question. If you are acting out of love and are able to totally provide for your parent I would not ask my siblings for any help. I would send them a copy of every penny I spend on the parent. I would take tons of photos and make an album of you and your parents going on trips and out to dinner and this will be a record for you to have for after your parent has passed and this can serve as a record for your children-you can show them that this is how you love someone who gave you life and raised you to adulthood and maybe put you thru college and was there for you when you needed them. Teach your children that this is how you feel we are supposed to treat our parents when they need us. Sometimes one sibling out of say 4 doesn't have a clue how to help their aging parent or parent(s). You may never see them until there is a reading of the will if there is a will or the Parents Estate is being divided with the heirs. Often the child who did the most for the parents winds up with the least of the benefits and then the hostilities come out.. You have to remember-it isn't your wishes that have to be followed it is the wishes of the parent or the parents that have to be honored-like it or not. Maybe your parent or parent(s) never taught the children how to treat a parent-I don't know. Maybe your brother feels you took over and he is punishing you. more information would be helpful. Some children just can't deal with it because they are ashamed to say they are broke. There are so many reasons why. You just can't call someone a deadbeat.
To tell you I've tried everything to have my sister and her children do anything for mom would be an understatement! For forty years I've been taking care of my parents, and mom since dad passed. Sis and her family can find a million and one excuses why they can't call, visit or do anything for my mom. My last resort was last January when I asked my sister to help during our vacation. I was told she "will not give up her vacation so my husband and I can take one".
This experience has taught me that no matter what you do, you cannot make someone be a responsible, caring human being. I have, and will continue, to look for help elsewhere when hubby and I need a break from caring for mom.
Mom's will is to split her estate between my sister and I. When that time comes, I will print every terse email my sister has sent every time I've asked for help and hand that paper to her with her inheritance. That is called "karma".
Do you have a care agreement with your mother now? If your mother has the resources to pay toward her own upkeep and care that is what she should be using it for -- not saving it to give equally to you and your sister. And mother should pay for the respite care your sister won't provide.
Since your mother has dementia she may someday need services that are beyond you to provide and her estate will dwindle rapidly at that point. There may be nothing left to leave either daughter! But whether there is or not, it only makes sense that the one who is providing care now should get compensated now. If your mother had no money that would be a different story. But as long as she is able to, she should pay her own way in the here-and-now rather than expect one child to carry the load while she saves to be able to leave the other child an equal amount.
If you don't have one, set up a care agreement!
I have given my children items I collected over the years now so there will be no bickering after I am gone and I am seeing to it that my loving daughter is being compensated for her endless love
Bring in outside help for her.if u can't do this yourself.
I believe my brother has issues with my mom from somewhere in the past, but I can't help with that if he doesn't reach out for help. I agree with the other ladies, you are making memories with your parents that no one can take away and no one else will have. And, that's not your fault, it's theirs. Enjoy your parents as much as possible and feel blessed that you won't have to carry around the guilt and regret when they're gone.
Please.So SHE IS CARED FOR PROPERLY asap
They have alot of things for her to do..and she will be with other ppl her age group&to do things..etc.