Taking care of both my parents, mom 83 who has Parkinson's and limited mobility and dad 83 has dementia and can get into everything, I'm still working a stressful tech job, I'm responsible for their complete well being, I have an aide that we pay out of pocket about 25 hours Mon-Fri each week, and on the weekends it's all me, I get up at 6am 7 days a week to give mom her meds on Sat and Sundays I can go back to sleep till 10 am then she's ready to get up and take her shower and start her day. Originally I was just taking care of my Mom and my brother had my dad at my parents house, until he tried to commit suicide leaving him unable to help me with anything, I am so frustrated and exhausted of dealing with this entire situation, but I keep pushing everyday I don't have time for myself and definately not getting proper rest, mom's been at my house since 2018 and dad since December 2019, I moved back to their house in 2016 to help out but my dad was so mean to everyone that I had to buy my own house. There are times when I just want to give up and find a home for them but my mom is worried about paying out her and my dad's retirement and I guess I'm worried about the care they may get somewhere else.
Is it normal to be so drained and tired all the time.
I know from my own experiences there can be a lot of help available is you just ask the right people. The Covid situation makes it harder now but please start making phone calls.
Catholic Family Services provided me with a lot of good advice and direction, you don’t have to be Catholic to get their help either. The more people you talk to the more able you will be make some choice.
And don’t you save for retirement for this very reason? My mother’s only investment was her house which was sold to pay for AL and now SNC. With luck, SS, and a small military pension we hope that will cover her costs for a few years. Then Medicaid if needed.
Never be ashamed to ask for help, no one should be expected to take on this kind of burden alone. Best wishes, let us know how things work out.
If you can get a caregiver to spend a night or two with her so you can get away and get rest.
Otherwise you are going to burn out and then it will be a disaster.
Covid or not the only other option is to put her in a home.
You are in way over your head and burning the candle at both ends. It's no wonder you are burned out physically, emotionally and psychologically. Something has to give here (and I don't mean you!).
I can't think of one person who is a caregiver who doesn't feel drained, tired, frustrated and some days feeling sheer exhaustion - so yes, it's normal and actually, it should be expected because caregiving is anything but a straightforward routine. Your sleeping habits are probably askew from the different schedules of your parents plus your job.
I am truly sorry that your brother tried to commit suicide and if it had anything to do with taking care of your dad at your parent's house that should be a warning of how dire things can become if you don't figure out another way to handle your parent's care.
I'm sitting here just typing and my upper back and neck are killing me. I happen to carry all my stress and tension in those areas so I have to do neck stretches to help alleviate the pain. So yes, the body "feels" all the stress and tension we are under causing your body to ache. Your body is trying to tell you something so you should listen to it and take the necessary steps in order to continue to be able to do the things you have to do.
It is also normal to worry about the care (or lack of care) they may get somewhere else. There is no "perfect place" and there is no "perfect situation" in the caregiving arena. You will be in my thoughts and prayers - may you have wisdom to know what changes need to be made for all concerned.
Her brother is living in their father's house with her daughter after he attempted suicide. So that complicates things in case the parents' house needs to be sold to pay for parents' care in a facility.
It's ok to allow others to provide their care. God help you!
I had my parents( 84,85) and an elderly aunt(91) to care for. Hired in home care and even then it was hard through dad's many hospitalizations. Never could I have managed without these sitters. Dad passed in June and I am still recovering!
Thankful mom and aunt are still in their own homes.
I agree with the others who say you must not sacrifice your own health, both physical and mental, to do what you have decided is the right thing to do. Sometimes what we think the right and moral thing to do, turns out to be impossible. I am finding this out myself! If you keep up working and caring for your parents you will not survive it. I know that sounds blunt but I believe it to be the truth.
And keep searching for a place for Mom and Dad. All of you will benefit.
Best of luck to you.
I am 58 and would like work a while longer, and for those that asked about my brother is 50 he's living in my parents house with his daughter but has limited use of his hands, I actually have looked into some homes for my dad in the past but most of those places cost were way over what he's retirement is. The Washington DC metro area is so expensive, and they don't qualify for medicaid.
For what it's worth, I had to move my Aunt from assisted living into memory care 3 weeks ago. I was scared to death that this move was going to send her on a downward spiral. Since then, I cannot get her on the phone because she is constantly out doing activities. The Director of the memory care tells me that she is busy playing cards, calling bingo and helping others. Although it frustrates me to get her answering machine, I realize that she now has purpose. When I do speak with her, she sounds happy. I know now that this is so much more than I could do for her if she was in my home.
God bless you on your journey!!
take care and be safe.
You've been given great realistic suggestions.
I’d somewhat concerned about your work situation..... it sounds like your running on autopilot; coworkers can be quite accommodating even helpful but at some point in time some young gunner will not have a bit of charity for your situation & come after your job. (Unless you own the place)
Right now you can’t efficiently plan for a change as you don’t have time to do whats needed or evaluate options. I’d suggest that you speak with the current caregiver to see if she has a coworker who can come in on Saturday and a few evening hours twice a week both for oversight on the folks and household help. Maybe for 6 weeks so you can start your research on facilities for them and sorting out their finances, meet with an elder law atty AND have some time for yourself. If thier funds are not enough for 2 years or so, you need to look at places that will admit them as private pay and then has Medicaid beds to transition to. Personally I’d get them into a SNF rather than AL or MC this way they don’t have to move to a higher level of care later. The facilities can advise you as to if a needs assessment has to be done for admission if they are coming in under private pay.
I’d try to set a date, like by Oct 1st to get them moved. There will be another wave of Covid this winter. You want to get them into a place before that hits so they have time to adjust and you have time to visit and get to know the all the staff imho.
Also whatever the case, all caregivers costs must be getting paid from your parents funds. It’s unclear if that is what is happening..... really it needs to be from thier resources, not yours or your brothers.
losing ALL my salary of the job I gave up!! In addition I now have expense of heath care, car, etc that I did not have at my last job!! My dad asked if I had any bills I needed “help with”. I said I wasn’t asking for charity. But I was very hurt that he had never asked what I needed...nor did he ever offer me any type of compensation. If they didn’t have money it would be a different situation. As it is. If they passed, my siblings would all get their “fair share” and I’d be out a year (and counting) salary! Mom
chimed in that my dad didn’t know how much caregivers were paid. He did. He rearranged the 3days/week we had set up and switched it to the person coming once every two weeks!! (Because he didn’t want to spend the money!!) LOL. I just burned my veggies I was steaming in the stove while I was writing this!! Yes...over-stressed!
I didn't heed the advice and warnings that I received here.
Now I am paying the price! Because I am stressed constantly and exhausted, physical things that should be manageable have blown up and snowballed.
There is no shame in placing your folks into memory care!! As a matter of fact, it might actually be better for them. They will be with staff that is equipped to deal with their needs. People who are trained to deal with Dementia.
You won't be able to help them if you end up in the hospital.
Please take care of yourself!!
I agree with the others here who have posted their answers....You should be wiped out, if you're normal. This is way too heavy of a burden for 1 person.
Please look into a " decent" place for your poor parents....if there's enough resources available, perhaps hiring someone like a nanny, a live-in type of nurse/caregiver to be a constant help to you....This is too much for 1 person.
I'll be praying for you in the days to come, and as the Lord leads.
Turn to Christ, repent/turn away from your sins and make Him your Lord and Savior.
Then begin to ask Him to help you....He hears, He knows, and He knows if you're sincere, or not.
He can and will make a way for you to find a good solution, and in the meantime He will sustain you.
God bless you and Shalom. 🌺🕊🌺
Full stop.
You need to step back and let them fail, then the care they receive from a facility will seem amazing.
You need to put your foot down, you are going to be a statistic if you don't. How is your brother? You know that the stress from caring for your demented dad played a huge role in your brother not being able to cope right?