We are on the cusp of involuntarily placing my dad in memory care. APS is involved, and as my dad is angrily noncompliant and personality disordered, it's likely that we'll have paramedics come to the house, sedate him and take him. It's an agonizing, anguishing step, but necessary. My mom is a wreck--from a difficult marriage, caregiving stress, and now the thought of what's coming. She feels like a traitor and is dealing with a lot of guilt. Please, can you share words of wisdom, kindness, perspective and experience so that I can share your words with her to give her strength? She needs help. And I know you are all sadly experienced and words of wisdom will mean more coming from you. Much, much appreciated.
My heart goes out to all of you.
Please remember that you matter too. He can not safely be cared for in home any longer. You would be hurting both of you by trying to keep him home.
You have nothing to feel guilty about. You are not betraying him in any way, shape or form. If anything, his own brain is fully to blame.
Give yourself the care and grace to move forward, heal and get back to being a wife. This will take time but, please give that gift to yourself.
Yet, they stayed strong together. Now in their decline, the roles change some. Their marriage is still here and has not broken. Only now the wife (your mother) takes on another role in their life together. The role of a friend to her husband. A friend who does what has to be done and does it from a place of love and honor. I hope she knows this. What cannot be cured, has to be endured. Sometimes all a person can do for someone is what's right.
Your mother is doing what is right for her husband. She will be okay with help.
Ended up with involuntary transport to ER, then to another facility and placement in a locked psychiatric unit, and then she voluntarily signed herself into the unit once the meds started to take hold. She's home now, tolerating CGs. If she did not have funds for CGs, she would have been discharged to a memory care unit. Ask PS if psychiatric care is indicated to allow them to choose and start medications for symptom management, so that memory care unit can manage his needs. It stinks when memory care decides the person needs more care than they can provide.
The guilt is a normal response, and it is really grief - at seeing her husband as he has deteriorated this far, at the impact on her of this change (which nobody really knows what it will be, yet), etc. Professionally led support groups for grief led by hospice or hospital SWs can help a lot. She is experiencing complicated grieving - he is gone (the man she spent her life with) yet he is still here (same face and voice and body).
For the actual transfer, APS makes the arrangements, police may be present as well as ambulance crew.
Easier for your mom and you to not be at the house when they arrive to take him. They are professionals and do their job well, but it is very hard to watch/listen. That is my experience both as APS professional and as family member.
If you can't take your mom out for a ride or for coffee...can you go into the back yard or some part of the property out of sight/earshot of the door where your dad leaves the house?
You are all doing the right thing for him. He can no longer keep himself safe and is a threat to her safety - due to his disordered brain, that he cannot control.
You are doing the right thing, ensuring that he is in a place where he is as safe as possible, where his needs can be met, and where he cannot jeopardize your mom's safety or his own. You are not abandoning him.
His brain disease means that he needs specialized care that family members simply cannot provide, around the clock, no matter how motivated.
It is a sort of 'tough love'.
My heart goes out to all 3 of you..such a hard place....be gentle with yourselves, try to eat healthy foods as much as you can manage, rely on faith and friends if those are helpful resources.
But not to feel guilty. Dad needs more care than you and mom can handle and sadly, he has to be moved. At least they are going to sedate him! You may want to work with his doc to make sure he is kept 'semi-sedated' until he has adapted to his new surroundings.
Likely he will be angry, and that will be hard on mom. Be there for her. Be gentle with her. She's actually a patient too.
Life is a constant change and as someone who hates change--my heart goes out to you.
Hopefully, with dad in a safe place, being cared for and hopefully on meds that can help him balance his moods, you can begin to establish a better relationship.
And mom can have peace and rest/ Living with someone who is always on "high alert' is exhausting. A big change for everyone.
Sounds like you are close to your mom, so continue to do that. Take her out for some pampering and help her to make that adjustment. It will take a while.
Remind her--over and over, that she has nothing about which to feel guilty.
Best wishes for a smooth transition!
Hugs to you & Mom!
If a doctor has been involved, then it's a different story. I can only emphasize what others wrote, expressing the compassion required for this situation. I honestly don't know what I could write, but know that I can understand the agony, pain and upset this move must be having on you and your mother,
Do you have any outlets for your grief? Walking, reading, visiting with family and friends? The latter can be of great comfort during a challenging family situation.
That's a difficult but not unusual response and although it will eventually be rationalized, it's not easy to see it as a kind option now. You might address the specific reasons why this is necessary (again, assuming a medical person feels this way), and that in the long run, it's better for your father, mother and you.
In the meantime, what can you do to support her? Bring her flowers, take her for relaxing drives in the country? Walk? Listen to music together?
She's traumatized by not only caregiving but also by years of a troubled marriage. This isn't going to magically go away once Dad is out of the house. She's going to need a lot of support as she faces living alone for the first time. Help her develop some interests of her own, make friends, and get out frequently.
"She's traumatized by not only caregiving but also by years of a troubled marriage. This isn't going to magically go away once Dad is out of the house."
Excellent insights, and a basis for the mother's trauma now. The factors that existed during the marriage may have made the mother feel responsible for those times in the marriage, and she may feel even more so, if not to blame, once the father is out of the house.
Annari, I would add that building up your mother's self esteem and self confidence might be part of coping methods. What are her interests? Can you think of ways she can involve herself with activities or people that would help raise her self esteem?