The responsibility of my mom's care is taking over my life.
A few hours away, she is 76 and has dementia. Cannot remember anything from a few minutes ago. Not bathing regularly, not driving, not taking memory meds as directed, etc. Difficult, personality on a good day, very defiant, trying to maintain her independence, and unaware of her memory loss and confusion.
For the past couple of years mom has gotten by in her own home with assistance through an agency, which is extremely expensive, and not great...basically baby sitters. Mom ends up with UTI infection needs to go to ER, or they quit when mom needs more care. Mom is in between stages right now, and it is killing me. I don't know if it's time to place mom in memory care facility now, near me and just let her hate me, and visit once she settles in. She will not be a good resident. Will not go willingly. Or do I move her into a private home nearby and manage with a new agency, the high cost would probably be about the same. Either way mom's quality of life is awful and she is miserable 100% of the time, thinking that no one calls, no one visits, nothing happened that day, because she can't remember...Mom knows who I am, I think, but I'm sure soon she will not very soon. Do I wait? Do it now?
Help please...The guilt and drives to visit mom and deal with her care are draining me, as this has been going on for a couple of years....My family is at the end of their rope with me too, as I struggle with these difficult decisions. All legal matters of DPOA and health care directive are in place, so not looking for legal advice.
Yes, it is a good idea to let your Mom settle into her new environment before you go to visit her. Yes, she probably will dislike you and dislike the place. Once you do visit, don't visit at the same time you go, go at different times during the day.... I have noticed on the forums here that grown children have found their parent actually enjoying themselves with a group activity or dining with others :)
Not all people with dementia need memory care.
Not all people with dementia stop recognizing their loved ones.
Not everyone who is a miserable curmudgeon at home remains so or gets worse in a care center.
You have a preconceived idea of what the care center experience will be like. (We all do, to start with. How could we not?) Keep an open mind and see what happens. You may, like many of us, be pleasantly surprised.
Feeling guilty is part of the caregiving package. Sorry. The best you can do about that is push it into the background and don't let it get in the way of making good decisions.
Has she seen her doctor lately and what do they say about the level of care that she needs?
Is she will not go somewhere for another level of care willingly, then the only way that I know that you can make her go for her own safety and care is to file for guardianship. However, a doctor needs to have evaluated her as incompetent before you even consider that route.
What input are you getting from your family about what to do next? Why are they are the end of their rope with you?
If you have the money or long term care insurance, it's best to let your aging loved one with Dementia to move inside a facility. This is costly so it's advisable to boost your retirement income or purchase coverage, particularly those with family history. Those who don't have ltc insurance yet can refer to these resources in order to avoid financial problems in the future: www.infolongtermcare.org/long-term-care_information/how-to-pay-for-long-term-care/long-term-care-insurance and www.longtermcare.gov/costs-how-to-pay/what-is-long-term-care-insurance.
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