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Dad owns part of the house and wants to be home. I don't know, maybe he should be, with the right set of nurses and day care people. im on vacation and got a call from the alf that they caught him with bags packed and a suitcase filled. he was only going to be for a month but just doesn't seem to connect. I am way to connected; he seems like part of me or me of him. but my husband said I have become a different person and so has he. I struggle daily with a final decision---force alf on him or bring him home with help. he considers me his only contact to the world and yada yada yada....

is there a third choice that I am missing?

the just started psychological tests and found his memory very short but his mind sharp... it must drive him crazy. but no one has put him on any meds....
?

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If he packed his bags, he is showing signs of delusional thinking. Bringing him home is a very bad idea if you are already stressed. He will play the guilt card to try to get his way. Give in and he will take over your household, he will be angry when he does not get what he wants. He is just as likely to pack his bags at your house and say he is going home. Yes, they forget where home is. They demand a vehicle to drive, with no memory of routes or destinations. Mom insisted that son #2 was driving her car, but her car was sold to others. Wait for the test results, hopefully a full neuro-psych series and some brain imaging. Look on this site, caregivers sacrifice their health for parents. 30% of caregivers end up dying before the patient does. Leave him in the hands of the professionals, and you will survive to spend more time with him.
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My dad passed 2 years ago, My Mom ha memory issues and depression. For almost 2 years I took care of her 24/7. I am burnt out and my health has gone downhill. There is a lot to taking care of her. Diabetes, memory, gifting to greedy relatives. It has been a nightmare . I decided to put her in Assisted Living, I want to be her daughter not her nurse and financial watcher, protector, cook, cleaner etc....She has been in 3 months and I am finally feeling better. I have to take care of myself. Everyone told me that and I was adamant about keeping her home. Not sure how far her assets will keep her in there. It is $55,000 per year plus her meds toilet paper etc... But I am relieved to know she is in good hands and the right hands,,,,
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The above to entries talk against bringing your father home. But God love him he wants to spend his last years in his home. If he has memory issues it will mean you will need home health aides to help him. However, if his memory is not totally gone, he may do better in the familiar surroundings of the home.
Then you have to weigh how much time you will commit to his care either being there or arranging others to be there. Your husband is a consideration and how willing he is to support you and your dad. If life in the home is all about his needs don't bring your dad home if he will be a source of conflict.

We only get one father, we only have a period of time with him. I chose to make my dad's last years as cheerful as possible and in the home he built for our family. It was never easy--it was always worth it. I would never have been comfortable outsourcing his care to nursing home or ALF. It is a personal chose
to a large extent. The restrictions on my life were more than compensated by
the knowledge he was were he needed to be.
Give it thought and prayer. Assess his health and abilities as they are now. His abilities will decline with age but he may have little time left. Often wanting to be home (packing his bags) are their way of saying they see the end coming.
Take care.
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I'm going through the same thing with my mother. We've put her in a very nice ALF but she wants to go home. The problem is that when she was at home she kept saying that she wanted to "go home." I cannot imagine the stress of caring for her full time. Even with her in the ALF I'm visiting and "fixing something" every day. She complains about everything. I vented to my brother (who was her primary care taker before the move) and he told me that she was exactly the same way before the move - that Dad (who recently passed away) had to tell her to "sit down and shut up." The ALF provides the best care we can give her without killing ourselves.
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Sometimes, though, someone's "last" years go on and on, and on, while what may be the caregiver's last years (of course this is in the case of husband and wife) have no peace or joy in them. Should one person be sacrificed for another (we are not God, only human)? I struggle with these issues regarding placement of my husband, but now when I'm at a point of dreading each day, and feeling fatigued and joyless, I have to think that my life, also, is a gift that I must treasure.
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Just don't rush any decisions. He's not coming home unless and until you're happy that the care package is foolproof (ha!); ALF doesn't have to be permanent unless and until you're happy that that's best for everyone. Take your time, don't get rushed, and don't get cornered!
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As usual, pstiegman is right on target! If he is in an ALF now, and you have the means to let him stay there, do it. Most of us aren't equipped to be a 24/7 caregiver and those who ARE know it can wear on you until you're pretty much a robot. I *do* have a little concern about your dad having his bags packed to "go home". You said his mind is sharp but his short term memory isn't great. Is it possible he just got the days confused?

Your husband said you have changed, and I'm sensing some codependency building between your father and you. If you have access to a therapist you may want to consider discussing the whole situation with him/her. It is an inevitability that our parents will die. If you and your father's lives are so emotionally enmeshed, it may be a comfort to HIM, but you need to consider what it is doing to you and your husband.
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It goes back to how you want your parent cared for barring need for medical machinery and intensive nursing care which a family can't provide at home. Most of the people in nursing homes are not in need of extreme skilled nursing care, but they need constant supervision and assistance in all the functions of daily life.
Granted we live longer and such care is needed for longer periods, but I never
thought of providing it as a burden, that I would not survive and continue my normal life pattern post his death. Knowing it is a part of the natural order of life, like raising children (also very time consuming and life changing for 18 yrs) I
just accepted the reality and worked around it. But I knew it was best for him and I did put his needs before mine in the short run. However, I would not be happy if he was in a nursing home when he could be here. It is the pattern to place the elder in a home early these days but I think it will change over time because Medicaid will not be able to carry the load of 79 million baby boomers--we will break the system. The new catch phrase is having the elderly "age in place" as long as humanly possible. Families and single people like myself do need support to care for an elder and still be able to work--much like woman in the early 1970's needed day care for children to be in the workforce. It is a new need due to the extended life span of Americans. The old pattern of nursing home placements hasn't caught up to the new reality.
Good luck with your decision but nothing is perfect. Just take it one day at a time, plan what is able to be planned--life isn't able to be planned in most cases.
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There may be a 3rd way. I thought my Mom needed AL, and was somewhat wrong.
There are companies that offer Independent Living that have much nicer communities,
but we needed to acclimate Mom by taking her to lunch there with a closer, which seems a little underhanded, and it took several showings, etc. My sister and I were -convinced- she needed AL, but that wasn't the case. Go to a hospital and ask for a discharge planner, and they had brochures which had price and feature comparisons of the different facilities in the area. The philosophy practiced by these outfits is "aging in place". The activties are good, so is socialization, and they are way less expensive that AL. Good luck to you !
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I just found an organization that I think will do just that! They are called Aging Care Advocates. They are calling me back today!
Why don't these discharge reps offer this with their regular list they gave me when we left... is it more expensive or something?
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Yes, we all have one father and one mother, and yes, we should cherish them. But at what cost? There has to be a balance. It won't do the aging parents any good if caregivers end up getting sicker than the ones being cared for. So all parties have to make some kind of concessions in order that the best deal is struck. My mom always talked about going home but what she was referring to was her childhood home.
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It's 11:00 a.m. and I've spent since 8:00 a.m. cleaning up my mother and associated poop and am not done yet. So maybe I can't exactly be objective here.

From what you've said, it seems that perhaps your choice is not so much a matter of forcing your father into anything as it is allowing YOURSELF to be forced into servitude without limits.

God bless.
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ive been taking care of dad for 5 years now....i wish i could have my life back....im so burnt out...but i struggle with what to do....everyday
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As a nurse, I find it hard to believe he has no memory, "but has a sharp mind", when you cannot have both. Either you misinterpreted what the doctors said, or a second opinion is in order. No amount of medication will erase a memory loss. It sounds like you are asking us to give you permission to put him in an assisted living facility. If your husband thinks you've changed, you have. If you think you've changed, you have. Being the caregiver for someone with dementia is not easy, and the only question you can ask yourself is can you adequately care for him and still have a relationship with your husband? Only you can answer that. Let us know what decision YOU have made.
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so far, it depends on the day......
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The answer depends on your ability, your availability and helps that are available to you. Other people are not going to be able to give the care that a closed family member can give. People told me and my brother to take care of ourselves when our parents were alive until recently. For me and my brother, we have been caregiving from young ages. The hardest part came when they became debilitated. It does take a lot of patience but people have to start giving care (being involved) even when the parents are in somewhat healthy stages to get used to and to know what to do. Easy going lifestyles are not compatible with caregiving. There will always be much wealth that you can earn or millions of places that you can travel to but we will never be able to attain all things or enjoyments that are available in our physical lifetimes. So, whether moving your father into an assisted living or bringing him home, assess what can do and make the transitions as much gradually as you can, such as going to doctors together or being with them when they are in hospitals or being with them longer hours in general.
ps. the post before me of the concept "aging in place" was always in our family until their departures to be with the Lord.
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Ferris, maybe her father's "sharp mind" is like my mom's. She can work complicated crossword puzzles, and add and subtract numbers in her head, but she can not remember that she was at my house for Christmas and enjoyed watching and holding my two granddaughters who are 2 1/2 years and three weeks old. She can't remember their names, or even that there is a second one, but remembers obscure crossword clues. Her mind is a real puzzle to me!
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Personally, I wouldn't move anyone with dementia into my house. Whatever the situation is now, it will get much, much worse. If you're employed, there's no way you could keep up without lots of help. And, if your husband is noticing a negative impact now, just imagine how your marriage will be affected if Dad moves in.
If Dad really wants to stay home, and he has the resourced for paid help, do that for as long as you can, but I think he'd be better off around other people, not isolated at home (either his or yours). I'd insist that he give AL a try. Move him in for a trial stay. Do at least a month or he won't adjust. Make sure you get a commitment of support from the staff to help him adjust.
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This site has been such a source of support through the last months with my dad. The last months with dementia...and it was only 4 months...with 24/7 care took its toll on me and my family. Eventually there was an opening in a wonderful veterans care facility where I envisioned a perfect setting for my dad's final years. Sadly, and without real explanations yet, my dad developed pneumonia and blood infections within the 5 days he was there, and he passed away on Dec. 18th. Those last couple days were heartbreaking, even with hospice helping with decisions in the hospital.
My dad and I were truly best friends and I'm grappling with the trust he had in my decisions. It will take a while for me to sort this all out. I had medicaid attendants in our home so I could continue teaching for the 4 years he was here. I retired last year to look after him as his health declined. Now I feel like I'm in PTSD. One of our hospice social workers told me it was time for me to be his daughter and not his caregiver, so we could reset our relationship before he died. I think that was valuable advice. Now, I have made it through Christmas with my children and grandchildren and I am looking around the house at my dad's things and missing him. He did have a glorious funeral that he and I planned so that was helpful. There are just so many aspects of our relationship that I probably took for granted but I know will never be replaced. Yep, I'm rambling....I just think care facilities are tricky. I have several wonderful years with my dad but I should have sought an alternative earlier, I think, as I feel so exhausted emotionally and physically and there are so many roles we all play that the pressure to kick it back in is expected, but I just want to keep crying my eyes out every day like I have since I placed him in the care facility. It's difficult to know when it's time for an elderly parent to move to another setting. I should have made that decision before the nights became so crazy that we both looked at each other in shock at the 6:00 am coffee time. He couldn't remember what had happened overnight and I had difficulty rallying to forget it. Precious times, but too emotionally exhausting to justify keeping him here so long. Maybe my perspective will change next week. I hope it does. I still have to retrieve his things...and all the Christmas decorations...from his storage area. Anyone struggling with decisions for elderly placement needs to set parameters of how far you can go before your brain and heart get too intertwined. Peace.
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It depends, a lot, on the situation. The third alternative, if your family can afford it, is to have around the clock or live-in caregivers. My roommate/co-worker and I give 24/7 care to Edna, a 90yo stroke survivor (along with many other complications). We happen to be really good at this (if I do say so, myself) .. and have been able to keep her happy and (relatively) healthy for five years longer than expectancy. So .. a "good" caregiver situation can be extremely beneficial to the well-being of our elders.

There are several caveats:

It's not cheap, but it's cheaper than most facility-related costs. It can be a royal pain to find the right caregivers (I always suggest going through personal referrals from friends or family, first, if possible, rather than through an agency). As far as I know, no insurance covers home caregivers (don't get me started: how stupid is THAT?), so the family or the elder needs to be able to pay for the services.

Family needs to be able to 100% trust the caregiver for the health and care of the elder. If you don't or can't find someone to trust, don't bother .. it will only add to your stress levels. And, in this case, the acceptance of trust has to be on a rapid track: ie, earning of trust time should be long enough to validate them, and short enough that your worry levels are eased and everyone can go on with their lives.

There is another potential solution. There's a program in many states called P.A.C.E (Program of All-Inclusive Care for the Elderly) where a medicaid approved facility provides ALL medical care to the patient, with an at-home focus. Do a google search at Medicaid dot gov for details for your area.

Best wishes on a suitable outcome for your dad .. and let us know how it goes?

LadeeC
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HI,

Only you can make this decision. It wasn't a tough one for me to make because I wanted my husband home with me. I couldn't bare to think of him being away from me. I do realize this is not your husband but one of your parents.

If you go with Homecare, make sure you go with a qualified/reputable company. I was there when Homecare was there. I had Homecare from 12 - 6 A.M. and I was in the next bedroom, down the hall from my husband and the caregiver. I would check on them both regularly. I couldn't help but do this. I didn't want anyone sleeping while watching my husband. Some people might say this would defeat the purpose of having Homecare. Even though I didn't get six hours of sleep, I was still able to get some sleep with Homecare so this was good. My husband recently passed away and I'm happy that he had Homecare and Hospice in the end. I heard several horror stories about ALF and NH. I knew this wasn't the route I wanted to go with my husband. I felt that he deserved better. Also, he didn't want to to go to ALF or NH. I honored his wishes. I'm still proud of myself to this day. Others tell me how devoted I was to my husband. The most important thing is that I believe he would have done exactly the same for me if the tables were turned. God bless him for loving me like 150+ %. I still weep daily because I miss him soooooooooooooooo much but I know in my heart that I did all that I possibly could for him and now he can rest in peace and I have peace of mind. I can only speak from my heart. I hope that my answer to your question is of some help to you. God bless you!!!

Sincerely,
RUBYINRED
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There are many valid points expressed here. As an RN and Elder Care Coordinator, and a daughter of parents who had my Grandmother living with them for 15 years, I have seen and experienced just about every scenario out there and in the process have come to the conclusion there is no "perfect" answer; each situation is very individualized. I watched my Mom change from a very energetic 63 year old to a very tired, stressed out 78 year old we no longer recognized. And, quite honestly, I think my Dad is a saint to have given up all those years with my Mother to accommodate the needs of my Grandmother; he basically lost his wife for 15 years. Unfortunately my Grandmother had no assets, and therefore could not afford AL or anything else. She has since passed and they are just now able to enjoy (I say this loosely) what is left of their lives together.
In re to ALF, our Clients who are in ALF, for the most part, are very happy. It has enabled them to maintain some of their independence, while having someone oversee their ADL's and maintain their safety as well. Granted, nothing is perfect. Your parent could just as easily fall and be injured in an ALF as they could in their own home (or yours). Staff are trained for just about any situation imaginable, and provide all types of care, most of which is not very appealing to family "caregivers".
The feedback I've received from our Clients, for the most part, is they do not want their children caring for them, especially when it comes to bathing and toileting; it is much more acceptable for them to have this type of care come from a trusted stranger, such as the Caregivers at ALF's, than family.
When we get older, dignity and respect are everything, and to be able to help your elder maintain that is huge.
Another thing you must remember is that once an elder reaches the point of cognitive impairment, such as Dementia, they are no longer able to make sound financial decisions, manage their medications, or even choose wisely what they will eat. So to expect them to make sensible decisions regarding where they live is not reasonable either. You may want to take a moment to consider what your parent, in a right state of mind, would instruct you to do. It may give you some clarity and peace of mind in your decision making.
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My family consists of me. My brothers, who believe it should be my job, believe that their responsibility is limited to accessing how well im doing it. They think if Im doing my job, dad will be at home and well taken care of. They sure wish they could help financially, if they could, but times are too tough for them to help with that part.

I have found an organization called Aging Care Advocates. For a fee ($500)? they will gather all information and talk to dad, all the doctors and all involved (including me) and make the decision for me. I am finding out more about it -- meeting a rep on Monday after my conference to get the Aid and Attendance going. I have gathered most of the options, but to determine the validity of those options would take a good amount of time and level headedness, and if these people turn out to be legit, it would be the best $500 I ever spend. They sort of act, as I can tell, like my management company does for my rental property, finding the renter, qualifying them, collecting the rent, keeping the needs clear. That costs me 5% of the rental income and very well worth it, even if the rental house is still upside down in the mortgage amount. we probably would have sold it by now except for the management co. Anyone ever heard of the Aging Care Advocates?
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sorry but it sounds like a scam to me or everyone would use them. please check them with better business bureau
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I don't think they're a scam. If you look them up on Facebook, they have a page with a lot of info about senior care and aging. They're geriatric care managers, so are trained in senior care, either through nursing or social work. Meet with them and see what you think. They should be skilled at looking at all of the important factors in helping you decide what's right for your dad. They should also be able to give you some references to call or look on their Facebook page and call some of the people who talk about them on the site.

My mom lives in independent living very near me, but I do everything for her. She can still take her meds and fix the food (heat it up) that I bring in for her. I do all of her business stuff and fix her meds and bring her food (she can no longer get down to the dining room). I do her laundry and take her anywhere she needs to go. It's a lot of work for me, but she has her independence and I have my own life in my own place. This works for us. Good luck with whatever you decide. Just understand there is no perfect solution. Every option has pros and cons.
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Hmmmm… except your rental property doesn't argue with your property managers, does it.

I can certainly see the attraction of delegating the whole process, not least that it creates a cordon sanitaire around the decisions that get made so that you don't land all the blame for them; and I'd also like the sound of an objective evaluation of the options; but don't part with your money until you've asked lots of questions from the nastiest and most suspicious parts of your mind.

I couldn't agree more with Blannie's point - there isn't going to be a perfect answer, and there's no way of predicting how you and your dad will feel on any given day, about all the different possibilities. But maybe you and your husband could work on some red lines that mustn't be crossed, and factor those in? Good luck, I hope there'll be some attractive options soon x
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So don't turn over the check yet, huh? you always have a way with words countrymouse.
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Why do you say "force" him into a ALF. Did you do any research? The only way you can take care of yourself and your family or relationships, is to let your father move into a facility. There are great places, there are bad places. Would he be self pay? or Medicaid? My dad is self pay, and at level 3 because he has a Cather that requires skilled nurse to change. But they are wonderful to him, and he still has his freedom, but has all of his meals cooked for him, most do the housecleaning, and they have activities, and he would be able to have some social enactment with people his own age. You could still shop for him, take him to his doctor's, etc. It would give you a break. He might not like it, but you do not like everything either. He will let you do for him, and may never thank you, to be honest, he really does not see what you do for him and never will, as long as, you keep doing everything. My father finally "GOT IT" after he had lived in an ALF for about 9 months. You have babies that need there mother to be there for them, if you take your father into your home, you will not be mentally or physically able to give them what they need. Please, visit some ALF, and help your father, but take care of yourself. He can still come over for the holidays and visit his granddaughters.
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he feels its force. now it maybe up to 9 months. he feels its force, so I do. I guess I am empathizing, not sympathisizing. not a good deal..
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Linda, it's not you who's forcing anything: it's circumstances. Reality is sometimes poo and all you can do is adapt to it as best you can for all involved. It's no easier on you than it is on your Dad. I think what I'm saying is, it's you I sympathise with more - because you're the one who's trying to accept reality and work with it. Eyes on the prize, girl, eyes on the prize. x
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