I've been caring for an 80 year old for over 2 and half years and over the last few months has refused food and now drink which is causing major problems; constipation and now keeps having illusions of the weirdest kind..spoke to the doctor a few times and did a blood test plus urine test both normal? He just keeps saying he wants out of this life and whatever is out there is better then his present life..I'm at a loss as to my next step that can help him...how do you care for someone who doesn't want to be here? Any advice would be very much appreciated. ...Michael
You all need to just be there...don't try to talk us into wanting to live. Just listen to us...and let us go.
Michael, I believe the man you care for needs more than a blood and urine test. If he hasn't seen his doctor for a physical lately, he needs to go. He made need meds for depression and perhaps have dementia. Refusing to eat is not that uncommon. If he's inactive and depressed, food may not seem appealing. My mom ate nothing but dessert and was always asking me for junk food. She lost weight but didn't starve.
This man is probably not very happy with himself, either. I am my husband's caregiver. He was a business owner. Now he is bedridden, immobile and incontinent. Neither one of us is very happy right now and we scream at each other at least once a day. I am headed for therapy. No joke.
Get him to a doctor for a complete physical. You can't tell if there's anything going on just by looking at him. The doctor may suggest an evaluation by home healthcare to give you suggestions on easier ways to cope.
Good luck. Keep us updated. Hugs!
Fear of swallowing and choking could be Dysphagia and you can google it. The only way to tell is with a swallowing test (we had to have one done last year) and then HomeHealth can send a speech therapist to work with your friend re: swallowing exercises.
Other than that, the best thing is to ask him why he doesn't want to live. Sadly, we cannot eat and breath for others, we can only offer assistance and support. If he's in pain, ask where. My DH was having terrible pains and when he showed me where, I knew it was most likely gas and started giving him Gas-X and the pains went away. I had to switch to chewable pills wherever possible due to his swallowing issues. Always make sure you inform his physician as even Gas-X can hide other problems.
All his other medications are taken with ice cream and just this past week, he started finishing the ice cream. I read here at AgingCare.com that a bowl of ice cream is still better than a nutritional drink only because it is still eating. If he wants something, give it to him. It's an uphill battle trying to get anyone to eat what you think is best - like the old horse to water thing - I was told to give my DH whatever he wants and he is back to eating again after refusing almost everything for 2 months. The Dysphagia calls for thickening all liquids but it's doable.
Good luck to you Michael. I hope you find a solution.
It must be a horrible feeling to be 80 years old, sick, and not want to keep living. I've seen it many times in my years in healthcare.
I've learned to not try to cheer the person up. That's the way they feel and it's annoying for most people in that situation to have a cheerleader bopping around them talking about how great life is and how fortunate they are to be alive.
Respect his feelings. That doesn't mean that you have to get down in the dumps with him and bemoan this awful life but you can be compassionate to how he feels. If he says things like, "I just wish I could die already" don't reply with something like, "Oh now you don't mean that!" Instead, tell him what you'd miss about him if he were to die or what you look forward to when you're coming to see him.
As far as food and water are concerned, there's nothing worse than being forced to eat when you don't want to. Try serving him food that he enjoys (regardless of whether it's good for him). If he'd like to have a chocolate shake from McDonald's by all means get him one.
The fluid situation is a little more critical. As he learned he can't stop fluids. Maybe he'd enjoy flavored water or iced tea. You can buy water flavoring drops in all kinds of flavors. Just squirt it into his water and it's delicious. But if he refuses and you've tried to coax him into eating and drinking just a little and he still refuses let it go for the time being. Try not to get yourself in a situation where you're arguing with him. Always keep a fresh beverage within his reach. A little trick I've learned over the years in dealing with this situation is if I have placed a fresh beverage within someone's reach, maybe a lemonade or juice, I'll ask them after a while, "Can I get you something to drink? Some ice water or maybe some tea?" It's a way to nag them to drinking more without actually nagging them. Hopefully my offer prompts them to take a drink of whatever I've put beside them.
Your question was: "How do you care for someone who doesn't want to be here?" It's easy. You just.....care. He wants to die, he's done with this life, so you care for him more. Be kind to him. Respect his feelings. Try not to get into a discussion about how bad life sucks but see if he'll share with you why he feels the way he does. Is it because of poor health? Is it because all of his loved ones are gone? Is it because he's lonely and depressed? Chances are you won't be able to change the way he feels and you shouldn't try but if you had a greater understanding of why he feels the way he does it might go a long way in how you care for him going further.
And always let him have his feelings. He's entitled to them.
Good luck.
If there are heart issues, you may try this patient on at least 1000 units of fish oil. Get the big gelcaps with 1000 units in each capsule. My friend took this for four years and was able to unplug his own arteries over a period of four years. His doctor at the time recommended it and by time he went to get stents, those arteries were clear and the person doing the procedure couldn't hardly believe it and asked him what he was doing. I can't particularly promise his lungs don't have smoke damage since he smokes, but his arteries were as clear as a babies arteries
Glad to hear there is another appointment soon.
It must be hard to hear your friend say that he doesn't want to go on. "Friend, I'm with you -- I sure hope that whatever is out there that comes next will be better than being sick in this life. We all will die. Until your time comes I would like to try to help you be as comfortable and content as it is possible to be in your circumstances. Will you work with me on that? Help me see what I can do for you? You know that gives my life meaning, too."
Mike
Usually when someone doesn't want to eat or drink, there is usually a physical issue, such as it hurts his stomach, or he has acid reflux,. Did the doctor check for either problem? I have acid reflux and I found Tums works great. Do a test drive with the Tums, with the doctor's permission, and see if that helps. Oh, do you remember if he would get a coughing spell when eating? If so, then food was going down the wind pipe. There is physical therapy for that, depending if caught early.
The illusions usually happens with dementia, or a side effect from prescription meds. What did the doctor say when illusions was brought up? Glad the doctor did a urine test to rule out urinary tract infection as that can mimic dementia.