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Eight years ago, I bought a house with my mother. It is a two family home, we are completely separate. We both put the money from the sale of our each of our homes into buying this house. The house is in my name and my son's. I pay the mortgage. Six years ago I remarried and my husband moved in. My son bought his own home 2 years ago. My mother has what I believe to be boarderline personality disorder. She has always been very angry and had mood swings. She doesn't like many people and has never had friends. She and my father had a terrible marriage full of verbal and physical fighting. I am an only child. Now, she is constantly criticizing, complaining, and questioning every thing I do or say. She is controling and argumentative.

She recently turned a discussion into an argument resulting in her pushing and slapping my husband across the face. She had locks installed on all her doors that only she can open, and she is keeping my mail as she is home days when my husband and I are at work.

Legally, I can make her move. I would never do this to an 84 year old woman. However, she is ruining my life with her irrational behavior. She does not have dementia or many health problems. She still drives.

How do I deal this and live a semi-normal life? Right now we are not speaking to eachother. She has abused my husband which is totally unacceptable to me. The damage has been done and cannot be reversed.

I love her because she is my mother, but I do not like her. I regret the decision to buy this home together, but cannot sell it now. I feel stuck and helpless.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

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She may be having the beginnings of dementia. I live with my parents, caring for both of them (bedridden.) Father has always been easy to get mad, criticize, verbally/physically abusive and is always right. He would argue his case to the death even if you threw in the towel. He can go on and on. Because we argue all the time, I'm too close to the situation. When oldest sis agreed to come Mon-Friday to watch the parents while I work, I would complain about him this and that. I couldn't understand why she gave that weird smile or laugh. Months later, after one of our famous yelling matches, I vented to sis. I exclaimed: "I think he's getting senile!!" She looked at me with this look (like Duh?!) and laughed hard. That stopped me in my track. Click! A lightbulb popped in my brain. Sigh....all these months with her smirks and laughs, she could have TOLD me that he was becoming senile!

What I'm trying to get at is ... because I was too close to the situation (physically and emotionally), I did not see that he was becoming senile. Hello!?! This was like Months later when sis started helping! So, maybe, your mom is having the beginnings of senility? ..... My dad refused to go to the clinic. Can't force him. Are you able to get your mom to go to one? Preferably to a geriatric doctor (specializes in the elderly care)? .... Take care!
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Absolutely get a P.O. Box! That's an easy one and do it today. Yes, sounds like she a form of mental illness and could benefit from meds but getting an elderly person to admit they have a problem even is very hard. change YOUR locks and ignor her completely, (I know that is hard but at least try), until she agrees to sit down and talk about how her behavior will not be tolerated. Offer to give her your deposit back and put a second on the house.

xo
-SS
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The belligerent, rude, mean behavior is unacceptable and like your mom, my mom was never the thoughtful, considerate and nice person, she always thought she was. As the dementia worsened, she was down right viscious. We coerced her into going to a Neurologist. He of diagnosed her with dementia, set her up on aricept & namenda. He also recommended a Psychatrist. He put her on zoloft. She was still threatenng to sue my sister and I and telling everyone that we were taking everything away from since my dad died. The doctor actually sent a policeman to the house to take away her drivers license. She had more respect for his authority. We were dredingly (is this a word) considering going to court to have the judge deem her incompetent. After a year of the wickedness, the doctor put her on abilify. What a difference! She actually smiles and says thank you. She still doesn't believe any thing is wrong with her, but she is so much more pleasant. I asked the doctor about the tv commercials regarding abilify and dementia and he said the low dose and the benefit out weigh the risk. If you can, ask her doctor. Unless you can get her to move to an ALF, having her or yourself move to another location will only make it more expensive and possible more difficult for you in the long run. Sometimes you need to get a stranger or someone she "irrationally" has more respect for to intervene. If you can, try to watch her interaction with people in her daily routine. Find that person.
Wishing you the best.
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I to am an only child and I have a very bad relationship with my mother. The doctor she was going to would not do anything since she could answer those 30 dementia question. Like, Who is the President today. What is the day of the week, when is your birthday, what is two and two. etc. The doctor did not want to take responsibly because she has been sued. My mother finally broke her elbow and we got a doctor who did not mind telling her that she had first stages of dementia and that she could not drive any more. He would personell see that her license was recalled. Today she loves being in an assisted living facility. Some things that may help is to go or call the many places that deal with senior health. The dept. of social services was a great help with advise and paperwork especial since she has slap you husband. You local senior center can tell you if they have a lawyer on staff( usually this is a free service). He can tell you what your legal rights are. I always thought I had to take care of her. I do not!!! When I found that out I cried and jumped for joy at the same time. When I walked off and left her sitting in her living room after I told her that there was no legal reason for me to be there she sooned change her ways. My mother is afraid of being left alone maybe yours is too. Hope this helps.
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What is different now as opposed to 8 years ago? Is it the change of husband that's bugging her, or is it a physical change in her brain like dementia? You can have your mail diverted to a post office box I guess, but I still would want to know what has changed.
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Is she on any medication? Sometimes medication can have dramatic side effects. You may consider doing a Google search, if she is on any meds to see the side effects. In addition, could she have low b-12 levels?
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Thank you every one for the suggestions and moral support! I greatly appreciate all of your responses and thoughtful advise.
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I read these posts and I see that others have similar problems like myself to some degree. I am also the only child. My mother's meaness has gotten so bad that she is like a different person for the past 10 years or so. Getting meaner by the month.
I would lock my bedroom door when I would visit her. I started feeling very uncomfortable and not safe.
To give an example of being around her. I put a little too much water in 5 minute rice and asked where she kept her colander. She said "why do you want a colander?" I replied I need to strain off some water and she literally started sceaming and stopping up and down yelling that I never listen to her. If I had listened, I would have known to read the box....How many middle aged women use a measuring cup for rice???? I drove 12 hours several times a year to listen and put up with that.
That is just one little thing.
She insults me constantly, and the past couple of years has started insulting my husband and two sons and I keep that to myself.
She also accuses me of keeping her grandsons away from her. They are grown men who live on opposite sides of the country and she is in Ky.
I am at the point where I stopped caring about her a couple of years ago. She is TOXIC.
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That your mother physically attacked her son-in-law is appalling. It sounds consistent, though, with her behavior during her married life.

When you first moved in, did you have a period of relative pleasant relationship? If so, when did that change? Do you know what triggered it? If she has boarderline personality disorder I think it might be hard to tell whether that condition is escalating, or if she has acquired an additional mental illness, such as dementia. It would be good if she could be evaluated, but that certainly doesn't sound like something you could talk her into. So ...

Get new locks on your doors, too. Have your mail sent to a PO box. Avoid contact. If you accidentally meet her on the sidewalk, nod and smile and move on quickly.

This is a very sad state of affairs. You are certainly right that abusing anyone in your household is totally unacceptable. But being right does not make the estrangement pleasant. My heart goes out to you. Hugs.
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I hear you so loud and clearly.

My mother is going to be 88 next month and her behavior is very similar to what you've described, minus the violence factor.

I feel so badly for you.

Agree about getting the PO box and keeping your distance as much as possible.

You're a good, caring daughter, and it sounds like you really had the best intentions with setting up the living situation.

I'm glad you found this forum. Keep sharing, it really helps.
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