How do I deal with a negative mother? I am hurt.

Christmas is a crazy time. Each year my mother talks about how glad she will be when it's all over. I tell her we don't have to do it, but she says that we have to do Christmas (same with Thanksgiving) because we're family. It seems crazy to keep doing things each year that ruins everyone's holidays.

Kellis, I would say for you and the siblings to have a good time. Mom can come if she wants. If she doesn't, it will be her loss.

I am hosting Christmas this year and 4 of my mother's six children will be there - all of her sons. She has told me that she will not be coming as she is staying at home on her own for Christmas (she only lives less than 5 minutes walk from me). She has come out with a couple of excuses from she doesn't like taking her teeth out to eat (she has had false teeth for about 15 years) to Erika doesn't like me (Erika is a 9 year old daughter of my brother's partner). I think that most mother's want jump at the chance of being with their family at Christmas - am I missing something?

So kind to have these responses. My mother has early Emphysema. She is on oxygen, but will go on and off it through the day, to see if she can tolerate not doing it. She should be on it all the time. She has no dementia symptoms, but one never knows. At age 77, her mental illness has diminished as far as any delusional ideation. Her care is very managed, but the personality disorders from coping with mental illness, such as the negativity and rebellion against medical advice are present. She is not a candidate for Medicaid. Her son, my brother, is a parapalegic and she saved some money for him, so when she passes, he has something. She very compassionately cared for him for much of his life. She is holding on to that money for him. She could give it all to him now, but what we have found, is that even with Medicaid, the assisted living facilities cost higher, there is not a Medicaid cost in these facilities. She is not yet in a condition requiring nursing home care, that Medicaid would pay for. It is not intolerable at this point, but I believe cmagnum (thank ou) is referring to the lack of cooperation with the medical advice . It is far from 100% non-cooperation. Maybe, 20%. She will take medication, just is intermittent with the oxygen. Obviously, that IS a major problem. She was a good mother, and I am glad to be here for her. Often, mental illness diminishes in the elderly, when they had a history of it in younger years. Many thanks, N.

nijay - what cmag said re treatment for mental illness and Medicaid. Her health will get worse in time. She may develop dementia and that combined with mental illness is a bigger nightmare. You don't entirely have control over her acting out.

This does not sound tollerable. What sort of lung disease does your mother have that you mention in your profile? What mental illness has she been diagnosed with and is she on her meds? Would she qualify for medicaid?

Omg, I am feeling better just reading this thread. My Mom is not an obviously negative person, you won't find her complaining all day and she never lobs real insults at me. She tries to put a positive spin on a few things a day, but once she feels the joy meter going up, she goes into a negative drama choosing one of the themes of the many (actual) tragic losses of her life. She makes it more relevant though by comparing it to something small my husband or I have done for her that was not quite right or what we did not do for her. The brooding hostility over the small offense is the same intensity of "everything she ever lost in her life." She wants to process her suffering and this is the way she is doing it. She is living with us, so we usually go off to our own activities, after responding by mirroring her difficulty, but not offering her much more. If she seems to want to vent a bit, okay fine, but if the atmosphere of blame and resentment become tangible in the very air we are breathing, we have to walk away. Unfortunately, its easy to feel crappy for a few hours after this. Especially, living in the same home. On top of this, she is not healthy, but is uncooperative with doctor's orders, doing just enough for herself to make us wonder if we are control freaks. Yes, its time for her to go to a home. But she has only a small pile of money, not really adequate for the care she needs. I feel stuck, as I am unemployed at the time. My husband and I are naturally motivated and joyful people, we totally love each other and have a great time even during hard times. My mother has a history of mental illness so I give her a lot of slack. I cannot afford for her to act out.

First of all, I believe you MUST keep reminding yourself that this treatment and behavior you/we all are getting from the person we are caring for is apart of the disease they have, and its not the same person we once knew as mom, dad, mother-in-law or FIL. I think it is EXTREMELY important not to get angry and frustrated at them for there lack of proper behavior. We saw this in my family where everyone was mad at mom, said she was lying all the time, being mean, difficult, etc. My sister pretty much gave up on her, all the while I was telling my siblings (3 of them) that this is no longer Mom, it is the disease, so STOP blaming her and getting all Pi$$ed off at her and saying your tired of her and done with her. It took my wife and I having to pack up and move 1300 miles, both our home and business, which cost of tens of thousands of dollars, and now taking care of my mom is ruining my business. Would I change anything, NO. I only have one mom, and even though the dimentia and Alzeimers she has is REALLY hard on my wife and I, we refuse to let it get to us like it did my siblings.
There are lots of things a person can do as a care giver to help themselves, other than throw there hands up and say I am done with Mom/Dad.

Trust me folks, I know its really hard at times when they fight you on everything and say mean things, but we have to use the resources at hand for caregivers of parents and family and try to get dragged into there reality. They live in an ENTIRELY different reality than we do, and unitl we understand that, we will never be able to deal with the problems and the BS that comes with an aging parent who is stricken by these horrible, mind altering diseases.

I am not trying to preach here, but there are solutions to many of these problems we are all facing, other than throwing our hands up and saying "i have tried and I am done". If you want some of these solutions, contact me and I will do my best to help you if I can.
1 thing that does help. If you ask, or tell a person something with a huge smile and polite voice, especially an Alzheimers / dimentia patient, it can make a WORLD of difference as to what kind of response you get back. There is a LOT of truth to the saying, you get back what you put out to people. Trust me, its really hard to smile and have a friendly voice while having to yell at your mother who is nearly deaf and refuses to wear a hearing aid. that is what I go thru everyday.
We gotta remember folks, its the disease now, not our parents /inlaws that we once knew. We have to keep our cool, smile, and hugg them and tell them we love them every day. They know somethings wrong with them, but they dont know what it is , and in the early stages, are just trying to hide it from us all.

I am now gonna pray for us all:
Lord, please grant us all the patience, wisdom, love, and kindness we need to deal with a difficult parent/loved one, and please Lord, help us to make the best decisions for each of our loved ones as we go thru these changes in there life.

May God grant all of us the peace we need to deal with these hard issues, and give us the love we need to just walk up to our parent and hug them, or kneel down in front of there chair and take there hands and say to them, " you have some health problems that we cannot fix right now, but I want you to know that I love you and want to take care of you"

My mother fights me on everything that we want to do for her that is the right thing or a good thing for her, but I still ask the Lord to give me and my wife the strength to seethat its not her anymore, its the disease, and not to get upset at her no matter how much she refuses to go along with whats right. My wife says my mother is the most stubborn person she has ever ever ever ever seen in her life, but she still lovers her and treats her with respect and helps me take care of her every day, and tries to do it with a smile as much as she can possibly do, and for that I love my wife, and only hope that I can some day make it up to her what I have put her thru by bringing my mother into our home for as long as we can, so that we can spend as much time as possible with her while she still knows who we are. The nursing home will come soon enough, regardless of how many years away it is. We gotta remember, its the disease now, its not the person we once knew, at least for us anyway.

God bless all of you for taking on the task of trying to help your family member, and I hope and pray for special blessings for all those who put on that smile when its the hardest thing in the world to do, and try to speak to your loved one and hug them even when they are mad as hell at you and the world. They dont know what is wrong with them, and for that reason, they are being difficult.
God bless you all.

My elderly mother is a very negative person and has been for as long as I can remember. The things I do for her only make her temporarily happy. She remains very grateful, but reverts back to unhappiness and negativity. It is a vivious circle of "thank you so much" to "woe is me" over and over. She wants to live independently, but expects me to be her key to happiness and contentment. She is limited to what she can do, but expects others to take care of those needs free of charge and refuses to hire outside help. I am ready to just give up and limit my visits to every other week and do as little as possible on these visits. I feel so guilty knowing there is of so little substance left in our relationship, just a huge burden.

WOW! I thought I was alone. I am at the end of my rope, and all of you helped me feel better about the care center option. My life feels over, and I am only 53. I mention care center and she goes back 35 years to tell me how horrible her grandfather was in a home. Well, I just want to tell her to suck it up! (mean, I know) but she can't even change the channel on tv. All she does is sit or lay in front of the tv all day. If I think of doing something on my own, or with my kids when they come to town she flips out.
Thank you all for letting me know I am not alone. And none of you are alone either. We have each other! Thank heaven!

I know what you are going through. My Mom is so negative and worries so much she can't calm down and enjoy anything. I really don't like spending time with her anymore. She complains about everything, even before she hears the whole story. But, after a very difficult childhood in Slovakia, then leaving her home and family to come to the Us, after a while she met my Dad and they married. That was many years ago and now Dad has Dementia and lives in a nursing home and Mom is almost blind with severe spinal problems. When my it was time for Dad to go to NH, Mom couldn't live alone and a week after Dad left, Mom went to AL. She had to give up the home she lived in for almost 60 years and so many of her possessions. So I can understand her negativity, but she will never change. I try to turn her issue around to see something positive in it, but she cannot comprehend that. She complains about all the residents and the food and the lack of help at the ALF all the time, and these complaints are pretty legitimate. She says " I don't belong here." I ask where do you belong and she says with her husband. So as unpleasant as it is to be around her, I still love her, visit often, and do whatever she needs done because she is my Mother, no matter how she acts. This is an extremely difficult issue to deal with our families because we are torn between love and annoyance.

We hear the "honor your father and mother" so much, but Paul's words in Ephesians need to be heard, too. "Fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath."

Thank you, Wayfarer. I know that she has all of her needs met, she is remarkably healthy for 91, can walk on her own, eats everything (and alot) and takes fewer meds than I do. I knew for my health and sanity I had to pull back--her toxicity would eventually kill me as she has no regard for anyone at all, and my health was suffering from the stress. She knew she hurt me for the very last time this past springtime, but I guess what amazes me was that I was called upon by her for anything and everything until she moved into the AL facility and then I got my proof I made the right decision. She was easily able to dump me when she didn't need me any longer. I'm happy she is comfortable . Fully disgusted with the lifetime of pain at the hands of my own mother and who would guess you would still be having the same issues in your 60s you had a kid.

Teachergear1, I understand your situation very well despite having no siblings

Thank you Wayfarer and you

It sounds like a really hard situation -- good luck to you.

Thank you Wayfarer1. Part of issue here is my house has enough drama. I lost my job caring for her, adding to our increased stress and added stress with mom.

Good Luck Alex. Remember that these personality and psych problems are THEIRS. Our problem is not letting them ruin everything for us, because we
are compassionate & dutiful, and because we want to be good kids. Nothing wrong with us, other than not letting their misery poison us. Keep your head up and take care of yourself. She's with caretakers; you just need to make sure she's getting good care and you have done enough. You have your own household to keep healthy and non-toxic and that is something you CAN DO. You can't fix her psych issues, but you can prevent it from staining everything else.

Hello, I am Alex and new to the forums. You could all be describing my 68 year old stage 4 lung cancer mother. I have her in a "rehab" facility, but it is a nursing home. I have no room in my already cramped house with 4 hold under 18. I came here because of this exact question. Mom is vain, narcissitic, but on a level that could probably make even your heads spin. I came here seeking answers to the same question. You just do your best, mine is in denial about her situation, at least to everyone, but her brother and sister, who both live out of town and even MY MOM doesn't technically live in my town. She came up to see me to get out away from a nearly week long power outtages in her town following storms. When she arrived, she could barely get through the door. 2 days later she was hospitalized and has been here since. I have tried everything to be a good daughter, but have been resigned to doing the best I can and have to leave it there. I don't know how long she has...

"Honor thy mother and thy father" comes from too much religion training and hangover from our voyage from Europe. If you have time, read Alice Miller's life work, especially "Thou Shall Not Be Aware" and "For Your Own Good".

I never got paid for taking care of mom and still don't. I just think I "owe" it to her because she took care of me as a child....even tho she was torturous to sis and me..we survived. SIs has never had anything to do with caring for mom ...she's too self-centered and cares only for herself. I feel like it is my "duty" even tho mom abused me all through childhood and teen years. We didn't know back then that she had a mental issue. In reality, she probably never should have had kids..but as I said, sis and I survived and I still go to the NH three times a week and make sure mom has everything she needs and that they are NOT neglecting her as the other 5-6 NH did. I take care of her feet, hair, skin, clothes, take her to funerals, birthdays, out to visit, out for ice-cream, etc....with never a "thank you". I just feel it's my duty since the others sibs have never cared.

I think if you take a course-which VNS give for no cost Medicare will pay for home care but I think the person has to be in a hospital for at least 3 days first-VNS would be able to tell you the details. Also since they have more money then they would be able to have for medicaide would they be willing to spend some on home care-that is what elders who have assests are expected to do these days-medicaide is not limitless and the money available for people to use has to go to those who do not have money of their own to pay for care. Another thing if need be he could be placed on medicaide pending and would have to spend down to the limit nessesary and then go on medicaide-that is just the way it is in this day and age-my mil did not want to spend her own money for care but we could not take care of her I worked and my husband's health was not good even though she told others I should have her live with us-she was very nasty to me all the years we were married up to that point and she did not deserve my help.

My mother and father make too much money to get medicaid and medicare with not paid me to take care of them. What can I do?

I have the same people pleasing issues mostly cause my mother too was never happy when we were growing up. My siblings are miserable people who give little support to my efforts. They wanted all the control or none of it.

I remind my mother that I have opened up my home to her and that she NO she can't walk around half naked in front of my husband and she can't wear short nighties and then sit on the couch with her legs spread apart. She wears bloomers now. If she really gets going I tell her to stop with the pity party. Most of it I have to ignore though...except the naked stuff....that I couldn't ignore :)

all of you, start documenting everything. Get the agencies involved. You will need all the proof possible. Trust me, I lived it for over 23+ years. Then because I did not have it documented with others, another person was able to take over her car, money and personal possessions while living with me! I can now only wish I had listened to others and took it seriously.
Upsidedown

I can relate to you. I am also in this situation. Nothing pleases my mother. She has been with me almost two years and has not said a kind word about anyone or anything. Even though I can't please hher, she does nothing for herself. It is a constant stream of being negative. I have tried not to let this change me, but I am with her 24/7 almost 365 days a year. Noone visits her. I have 2 sisters and a brother. Once in awhile one of my sisters will bring her something to eat. That is the extent of my support system. When I have shown signs of frustration or voiced it there was a confrontation. So now I say nothing. I am definitely not the same person-very seldom smile, stay to myself and very little contact with friends anymore. It seems like I have the energy for nothing at all. I am going to a therapist. I have had one session. Hopefully, this will help. I, also, have my grown son with me, who, at this point is unable to contribute financially. He has been with me for over two years. Sometimes, all I want to do is go and never return. I find myself doing only the necessary for her. Otherwise, I stay away. I tried and I'm tired of trying. This is a heavy load. I pray for us all to survive it. Thanks for letting me vent.

I can relate to most of the comments mentioned in the posts about moms being so negative. it happens to me quite often. I always feel bad and emotionally it gets to me . I wish that my mom would say something nice all the time. I had a friend who was helping me withy my caregiving, and she would say to me That she has never heard negative comments from her mother when she was growing up.
Eventually I came to tolerate her meanness. "Honor thy mother and thy father"
So I came up with this idea with my friend. When my mom was not feeling well she was quiet, sleepy, while recuperating . Therefore, that would be the only time I would not hear negative comments. Then when she felt better, negative comments would start pouring out of her mouth. We figured she was back to normal. I have accepted that mom is not going to change. I haves to change. When the comments begin hurting I give my self a few days away from NH. Somebody else offers goes to visit her on those days that I don't go. It's a very bad habit, a learned habit, and copied habit. it's how my dad treated her and now she has been treating others, especially me. It hurts and I don't condo e her excuses. The other day she says to me when I came to visit , referring to me being there, That's why I have high blood pressure and this headache. I brought Hera snack, (she was refusing it at the time and refused earlier her breakfast)I said the sooner you eat your snack the sooner you headache will go away( referring to me). She has told me to go home when I get there. Well I will be going out of town for two weeks. You always miss what you have when it's not around. She does better when I am out of town. I have to accept her neg comments and try not to overwhelmed me with hurt. "It's normal"
take care of yourselves. You are all doing a great job. if your mom can't tell you often, sombody else will notice.
Equinox

So, it sounds like we all have negative, ungrateful mothers who drive us crazy. I've been there, done that, and finally came up with a way of dealing with it. I'm 65 now and I think I spent the previous 60 years trying to make my mother happy. She isn't a bad person, but she has always been one to not give compliments (she didn't want to make us big headed) and rarely showed gratitude for anything. Like most children, I wanted to please my parents and went out of my way to do special things and make/buy her gifts that I thought she'd like. Finally, about four years ago, I came to the realization that I would never make her happy and should stop trying. Sounds simple, doesn't it! When you get down to it, we can't make anyone happy but ourselves and we should stop trying. Do what is right and ethical, give what you can, and simply don't expect anything (including gratitude) in return. How do you do that? I've found the best way is to simply ignore the negative stuff and respond to neutral or positive stuff. It keeps me sane and she actually drops the bad stuff when she doesn't get the response she wants. Sometimes I think she is just bored and trys to liven things up by starting a fight. When that happens, I just don't respond with anger or become defensive, and she eventually gives up. This approach takes a little practice and a lot of will power, but I think you'll find it very effective. And above all, it lets you take the power back.

It sounds like many of us are in the same boat. I just got off the phone with NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illnesses). Once I explained my mothers mental illnesses, they were able to provide me with various associations and the numbers to call them. Many, if not all of you may want to contact your state NAMI number. Now I just have to get up the gumption to act upon it! At least I know now there are agencies that can and will assist me with the situation. I am not alone and reading these excerpts from all you let me know that as well.

Amen. I was just taking my mom the the doctor Wend and she got combative with me and I was so upset by the the time I got there I wanted to scream. What I did say was I wont be treated this way so we are through talking. I helped her out of the car and took her in but did not talk to unless needed. After 10 mins she became sweet and trying to make up. I kept is light and polite but dropped her off at her home, a duplex where my daughter is on the other side, and left. She called me later to apologize. When I talked to my husband about it his input was to do that when it starts and not wait till I was pissed off, good input. My daily reading yesterday was on to "Take Offence" the statement means that I take it and I also have the choice not to. It helped to keep me focused. Mom is uphappy and will always be that way, my job is to put a roof over her head and food in her month. I gave up trying to make her happy years ago, it almost killed me. With alot of support and meetings I dont take offence as often. My Dad told me long ago that my biggest problem would be wanting more for someone else than they want for themselves, and it still is. We do this one day at a time, know that you are not alone.