Why does my 76 yr old chronically ill mother lie so much?

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Why does my 76 yr old chronically ill mother lie so much?

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Especially when it comes to her two older offspring. The ones who hardly visit. On the rare occasions that they do visit, she says that they bring her things, like groceries or take out. But, I am the one that goes everyday and do not find any such things. Why does she lie and try to put them in a good light?

Alzheimer's & Dementia

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I have to respectfully disagree with OrangeBlossom. I don't think there is any point in hammering home the truth to someone with dementia. It's not going to work, the person with the dementia is not all of a sudden going to be able to apply logic to any situation, and it will only serve to make you more impatient and resentful.

So why does your mom do this? Because she has dementia. Your mom has been robbed of her ability to reason and her personality. She is unable to grasp how the people around her have to adapt to these changes and it's not easy to accept changes in our loved ones due to dementia. It's scary and frustrating. But we do whatever we have to do to reduce the amount of agitation our loved one experiences and we do that by going along with our loved one. It serves no purpose to tell our loved one, "Mom!! That wasn't yesterday, that was 10 years ago! Don't you remember!?" We're not the ones who have the diseased brain, our loved ones are, and trying to get them to think rationally, to behave appropriately, to respond accordingly is cruel and a waste of time.

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Maybe your Mother just wishes that the other two (who hardly ever pay attention to her) would do the nice things that she tells you about. It may make her feel better to pretend that they are nicer and more generous to her, when in fact they are not! You know they are deadbeats, and she does too, but it would probably be kinder to just say, "Oh that's nice. That must've been delicious!" or whatever, than to point out that she's just wishing it was so, and making it up. BUT, you should say to the two older siblings, "Hey, Mom thinks you're bringing her nice things to eat and making your visits with her special. Why don't you actually start doing that!! Then she wouldn't have to make believe!!" Hmmm...that might get them to step up to the plate. Probably not, but at least it might make them feel ashamed or embarrassed that their poor Mom has to make up nice stories about them. : /

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My mother did the same for my sister, who visited her maybe once a year in the last 3 years of my mother's life. Every time I complained that I could use some help from my sister or got angry that my sister was never around, my mother was right there defending her by saying she couldn't come because she lived so far away (2 hours), had to work (she was off weekends), never called ("she must be busy") you name it...she had an excuse for her. I think she just didn't want to admit that her own daughter was ignoring her. My sister finally saw my mom 2 days before she passed away, and is now feeling the guilt that I do not feel - I was there for my mom through all the bad times...she wasn't. You can't change a person's heart and make them visit/help/call, but you can change how you perceive that person's inaction to protect your feelings about them, which is probably what your mom is doing, and what my mom did as well. Creating "scenarios" is part of that process.

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Did it ever occur to you that your mom may have come to some conclusions, that 1. Despite their saying so, others DO NOT WANT to know the truths of her life, and that 2. She may be so ashamed at the disregards of those she loves and expected to love her enough not to dismiss her, that she has learned (to alleviate further hurt) cover it all up. She is not lying to be mean, she is trying to find some livable moment where she is not bathed in her hurt and shame or the judgments of someone else. IT is heartbreakingly painful to be a disregarded (by family, friend, community) elder. No one wants to really know the shamefully shabby and barren day to day facts of their lives (witness all the insensitive and dismissively cruel complaints here by those upset at their complaints of pain.) No one wants to know that they are short of food money, afraid, lonely, ashamed at being dismissed and forgotten, etc. They want to be as vital and included as they were when THEY were the one's taking care of things, but we live in a society that merely warehouses the elderly and routinely dismisses their very survival needs -- food, cash, company, etc. Social programs are meager and penurious to the point of sheer deprivation in a society they paid into for years only to now be callously brushed aside as if they are an unwanted burden of no use to anyone. We need to rethink our "welfare" hate-ons of the Reagan years and our habitual disregards of and complaints about the elderly. THEY built this society that now eschews them.

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She lies because the made-up reality feels better.

As for her siblings, I agree with 'Braida' except I'd be a little more manipulative ... when you talk to your uncle/aunt, say "Thank you so much for the ------* you brought to Mom when you visited. She was so thrilled that you thought of her she must have mentioned it a dozen times when I saw her the next day." Move quickly on to the next subject without giving them time to reply. Then, the ball is in their court.

* p.s. – be sure to name something Mom really likes and that they can get easily since you're basically placing an order for her : )

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My mother does the same thing with my older siblings. It may very well be a defense mechanism to protect her from accepting the truth that two of her children seemingly abandoned her. I can not imagine the pain of knowing that my children have no concern or care for me. So in her mind, she paints a much prettier picture than reality just so that she can mentally survive. At least this is what I have told myself to cope with her constant lies. I have at times lost my patience and called her on her lies and it never ended well.

Know you are doing all you can for her and you have a clear conscious. Deep down, she knows you doing everything for her.

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Listen to Eyerishlass. It's the dementia. You're in a no win situation. Try to just blow it off. It's not worth the stress on either one of you. You know what you do for your mom and that's all that matters. I know how hard it is, and sometimes I'm not good at following my own advise, but I'm much better than I used to be. It's a real challenge. Good luck to you.

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All you guys are A-W-E-S-O-M-E! Couldn't help thinking of a dementia blame and counter-blame, but in the end all comments were designed to support a fellow caregiver; even if the delivery was a little rough. But that happens when you're trying to keep it real instead of coddling a brother/sister in need.

My mom, who's sharp as a tack, has perpetuated the illusion that one of my sisters calls, visits, and sends $ all the time. The fact is that the latter is constantly bouncing from one rehab to another, can't hold an apartment for long or even an Obamaphone that she won't sell within 48 hours after receipt.
This sister, the eldest, many years ago visited and called often. ... To get $. But mom will never admit to it, so I stopped pressing the issue a century ago.

Mom used to blame herself for my sister's choices. I stopped counting how many times she'd say "I should've been a better mother." But even if children popped out of the uterus with a manual raising a child is an on-the-job, long-term trek designed to help the adult grow alongside the child. Pretty much the same for caregiving.

Whether they're stuck in a time warp or demented, I've found it best to love them and leave them alone with their real or imaginary beliefs. ... Even if it hurts.

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I have to deal with this everyday im the one who cares gets depressed and stressed out. All I can say is that its them telling themselves that the others do care and trying to justify thier kids behaviour im sure that a small lucid part of them would not like to think that they dont really care? I could be wrong but this is how I feel.
Mum gives me a hard time but deep down knows Im the carer in the family and thats why I just ignore it. "you always hurt the one you love" rings to mind when reading these stories. Ive learnt to ignore it although its so frustrating as long as im doing whats right by mum why care or worry what she says about others try and rise above it. As someone recently said to me its you she loves most!!

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I find that, with my mother, she spends quite a lot of time either alone or sleeping, and she invents her own reality. She says she feels like everyone of her friends have abandoned her since she has had to be in Assisted Living. She says that is what has been the hardest for her. Some days she tells me these friends have called and she has had lunch with them or gone shopping etc. I think she creates her own reality because the life she now lives is not "suitable" to her. It is sad but I go along with her and ask questions like - how did you get there? (they all live in Minnesota and she is now in Colorado), or how did they get ahold of you? (she no longer has a phone because she can not remember how to use one). I am sure this change in her life has been difficult and creating her own "reality" is what gets her through her long lonely days. Even my visits are not much help. Please don't take the lies personally - I am sure they are only meant for her benefit! Keeping herself happy.

Why does my 76 yr old chronically ill mother lie so much?

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