Follow
Share

Especially when it comes to her two older offspring. The ones who hardly visit. On the rare occasions that they do visit, she says that they bring her things, like groceries or take out. But, I am the one that goes everyday and do not find any such things. Why does she lie and try to put them in a good light?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

26 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
I LOVE what Isn't Easy said about telling the uncaring family about how much mom loved their gifts and how she went on and on in appreciation! Bazinga to the ones that never come around. I would try to get the things that your mom mentions because they might really make her happy if she names stuff that she isn't getting anymore. Thanks for doing everything that you are doing! Even if your mom doesn't say it you know that she really appreciates what you are doing for her. How many times did we, as children, ever thank our parents for all they did for us. You are her everything now and just like a parent you just have to know inside yourself that she wouldn't be here without you! We're all so proud to know that you are doing a great job at a hard job!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Most probably she is suffering from signs of dementia and needs to be checked out ASAP. Do not take her behaviors personally! She doesn't know what is truth or embellishment.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Let me chime in on the support. I get WAY more helpful info and support from this site than from any negative. Please stay with us. This is a HUGE outlet for me.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
My sister and I are our mother's legal guardians. We tend to just blow it off when our mother says these wild things. It's not worth the irritation. I know in my heart that I've done everything possible to keep mother safe and healthy, so I just don't worry about it. Mother just lights up when one brother (lives 600 miles away) makes his semi annual visit and she barely acknowledges me. Oh well. God in heaven knows that I'm doing the best I can, so that's all I care about.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
PLEASE don't give up something that has evidently given you help. "jinjelle" was herself being extraordinarily insensitive in posting that hurtful message to you. I hope you have called her inappropriate message to the attention of the agingcare.com web manager. They need to know that someone is using their site to send hurtful, mean-spirited messages to their contributors!!

But mostly, just "rise above" this sick incident! Don't let this nasty person cause you to go away from a forum that has helped you in the past. If you quit the group then Miss Tacky wins!!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Great suggestions from the posters. I would try and "correct" my Mom when she would "lie" or not get the facts straight. I kept thinking that somehow I could get her back to how she used to be by constantly telling her when she was mistaken. Well it did not work and just caused her to be nervous and made me angry. Now I just go along with what she says. A lot of it is nonsense but that is not her fault - it is the disease and her brain getting smaller but I still get irritated with her at times. I pray for patience everyday because I do not want my Mothers last years to be filled with me "correcting" her all the time. Just go along with what she says - it makes it easier all the way around.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
P.S. Lori - when you search that name, several posts come up, each with different names...like I said...troll.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Many communities have senior support for caregivers. I was very fortunate to attend an Alz/Dementia training seminar all day long about 5 years ago. It completely changed the way I relate to my dear Mother. We often hear about the early onset, quickly debiliatating form of Alzheimers, but most of our elders get the slow onset. This can start in the early 60s with small quirks, work into the 70s as you perceive you loved one to be deceitful and intot he 80s and 90s where it's easy to see the short term memory loss. In retrospect, everything that upset me about my dear Mother was completely related to these changes, 20+ years. She's sweet and dear and loves us all, but has been mixing things up a long time. Be compassionate and before you correct their story or lie, remember how much they really, really can't help it.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Eyerishlass, right as usual, and so level-headed, thank you. Being aware of the dementia speaking, I acknowledged that trying to prove them wrong is antagonistic, and I also said "occasional". Like many of us, the frustration sometimes makes it hard to suck up the fairy tale lies, and occasionally you can't resist the urge to 'reason' with them while hoping that there is some speck of logic and reasoning still inside their brains. True, it is a futile effort and does not solve anything. If one can resist even the occasional verbal retaliation, I commend that inner strength. In truth, giving in to that temptation shows weakness, rather than the outward show of toughness we try to project. I guess we all need to grow thicker skins!!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
All you guys are A-W-E-S-O-M-E! Couldn't help thinking of a dementia blame and counter-blame, but in the end all comments were designed to support a fellow caregiver; even if the delivery was a little rough. But that happens when you're trying to keep it real instead of coddling a brother/sister in need.

My mom, who's sharp as a tack, has perpetuated the illusion that one of my sisters calls, visits, and sends $ all the time. The fact is that the latter is constantly bouncing from one rehab to another, can't hold an apartment for long or even an Obamaphone that she won't sell within 48 hours after receipt.
This sister, the eldest, many years ago visited and called often. ... To get $. But mom will never admit to it, so I stopped pressing the issue a century ago.

Mom used to blame herself for my sister's choices. I stopped counting how many times she'd say "I should've been a better mother." But even if children popped out of the uterus with a manual raising a child is an on-the-job, long-term trek designed to help the adult grow alongside the child. Pretty much the same for caregiving.

Whether they're stuck in a time warp or demented, I've found it best to love them and leave them alone with their real or imaginary beliefs. ... Even if it hurts.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
I think like pstiegman, that these dementia patients who lie so much may very well have been lying all along, ..to cover their mistakes, to cover their fogefulness, too manipulate other people, etc. But I don't think they've gotten better at it. On the contrary, I think they seem to be lying so much now, because they've gotten so much worse at it. They no longer can think clearly enough to see the flaws in their lies that expose them as false.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
I find that, with my mother, she spends quite a lot of time either alone or sleeping, and she invents her own reality. She says she feels like everyone of her friends have abandoned her since she has had to be in Assisted Living. She says that is what has been the hardest for her. Some days she tells me these friends have called and she has had lunch with them or gone shopping etc. I think she creates her own reality because the life she now lives is not "suitable" to her. It is sad but I go along with her and ask questions like - how did you get there? (they all live in Minnesota and she is now in Colorado), or how did they get ahold of you? (she no longer has a phone because she can not remember how to use one). I am sure this change in her life has been difficult and creating her own "reality" is what gets her through her long lonely days. Even my visits are not much help. Please don't take the lies personally - I am sure they are only meant for her benefit! Keeping herself happy.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
It could be her desire to see the children who don't care for her in a light she wishes they would be in. I don't think it would make a difference to challenge her on the lies. You know the truth. Do like the other commenter suggested and just agree with her or say, "Isn't that a nice thing for them to do"?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Chances are she has been lying to many people for many years. She's just getting better at it. We found that when mom couldn't remember the correct facts, she would just make them up as she went. She thinks Ike is still President.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Guess nobody thought of a side effect of a medication she's on? Not causing lying specifically, but mood changes which could include lying?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
My mom told untruths years before she got dementia.Its really sometimes part of their personality.Dementia only amplifies it 10 fold in my moms case.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Listen to Eyerishlass. It's the dementia. You're in a no win situation. Try to just blow it off. It's not worth the stress on either one of you. You know what you do for your mom and that's all that matters. I know how hard it is, and sometimes I'm not good at following my own advise, but I'm much better than I used to be. It's a real challenge. Good luck to you.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
I have to deal with this everyday im the one who cares gets depressed and stressed out. All I can say is that its them telling themselves that the others do care and trying to justify thier kids behaviour im sure that a small lucid part of them would not like to think that they dont really care? I could be wrong but this is how I feel.
Mum gives me a hard time but deep down knows Im the carer in the family and thats why I just ignore it. "you always hurt the one you love" rings to mind when reading these stories. Ive learnt to ignore it although its so frustrating as long as im doing whats right by mum why care or worry what she says about others try and rise above it. As someone recently said to me its you she loves most!!
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
My mother does the same thing with my older siblings. It may very well be a defense mechanism to protect her from accepting the truth that two of her children seemingly abandoned her. I can not imagine the pain of knowing that my children have no concern or care for me. So in her mind, she paints a much prettier picture than reality just so that she can mentally survive. At least this is what I have told myself to cope with her constant lies. I have at times lost my patience and called her on her lies and it never ended well.

Know you are doing all you can for her and you have a clear conscious. Deep down, she knows you doing everything for her.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
My mother did the same for my sister, who visited her maybe once a year in the last 3 years of my mother's life. Every time I complained that I could use some help from my sister or got angry that my sister was never around, my mother was right there defending her by saying she couldn't come because she lived so far away (2 hours), had to work (she was off weekends), never called ("she must be busy") you name it...she had an excuse for her. I think she just didn't want to admit that her own daughter was ignoring her. My sister finally saw my mom 2 days before she passed away, and is now feeling the guilt that I do not feel - I was there for my mom through all the bad times...she wasn't. You can't change a person's heart and make them visit/help/call, but you can change how you perceive that person's inaction to protect your feelings about them, which is probably what your mom is doing, and what my mom did as well. Creating "scenarios" is part of that process.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
I have to respectfully disagree with OrangeBlossom. I don't think there is any point in hammering home the truth to someone with dementia. It's not going to work, the person with the dementia is not all of a sudden going to be able to apply logic to any situation, and it will only serve to make you more impatient and resentful.

So why does your mom do this? Because she has dementia. Your mom has been robbed of her ability to reason and her personality. She is unable to grasp how the people around her have to adapt to these changes and it's not easy to accept changes in our loved ones due to dementia. It's scary and frustrating. But we do whatever we have to do to reduce the amount of agitation our loved one experiences and we do that by going along with our loved one. It serves no purpose to tell our loved one, "Mom!! That wasn't yesterday, that was 10 years ago! Don't you remember!?" We're not the ones who have the diseased brain, our loved ones are, and trying to get them to think rationally, to behave appropriately, to respond accordingly is cruel and a waste of time.
Helpful Answer (13)
Report
I just don't think all of this kind of crap should be excused all the time as "dementia." My mother did this kind of thing as well. Whenever she would misplace something she would fly into a rage and accuse people of stealing stuff from her; then when she would find the item she would hide it. She had these allegedly "stolen" items hidden all over the place. I'm sorry, but if they are "with it" enough to cover up like that, they are "with it" enough to be called on it. Caregiving for someone like this is maddening and exhausting enough; I just do not believe we have to take a bunch of their s**t on top of everything else.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
She lies because the made-up reality feels better.

As for her siblings, I agree with 'Braida' except I'd be a little more manipulative ... when you talk to your uncle/aunt, say "Thank you so much for the ------* you brought to Mom when you visited. She was so thrilled that you thought of her she must have mentioned it a dozen times when I saw her the next day." Move quickly on to the next subject without giving them time to reply. Then, the ball is in their court.

* p.s. – be sure to name something Mom really likes and that they can get easily since you're basically placing an order for her : )
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
Did it ever occur to you that your mom may have come to some conclusions, that 1. Despite their saying so, others DO NOT WANT to know the truths of her life, and that 2. She may be so ashamed at the disregards of those she loves and expected to love her enough not to dismiss her, that she has learned (to alleviate further hurt) cover it all up. She is not lying to be mean, she is trying to find some livable moment where she is not bathed in her hurt and shame or the judgments of someone else. IT is heartbreakingly painful to be a disregarded (by family, friend, community) elder. No one wants to really know the shamefully shabby and barren day to day facts of their lives (witness all the insensitive and dismissively cruel complaints here by those upset at their complaints of pain.) No one wants to know that they are short of food money, afraid, lonely, ashamed at being dismissed and forgotten, etc. They want to be as vital and included as they were when THEY were the one's taking care of things, but we live in a society that merely warehouses the elderly and routinely dismisses their very survival needs -- food, cash, company, etc. Social programs are meager and penurious to the point of sheer deprivation in a society they paid into for years only to now be callously brushed aside as if they are an unwanted burden of no use to anyone. We need to rethink our "welfare" hate-ons of the Reagan years and our habitual disregards of and complaints about the elderly. THEY built this society that now eschews them.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
Maybe your Mother just wishes that the other two (who hardly ever pay attention to her) would do the nice things that she tells you about. It may make her feel better to pretend that they are nicer and more generous to her, when in fact they are not! You know they are deadbeats, and she does too, but it would probably be kinder to just say, "Oh that's nice. That must've been delicious!" or whatever, than to point out that she's just wishing it was so, and making it up. BUT, you should say to the two older siblings, "Hey, Mom thinks you're bringing her nice things to eat and making your visits with her special. Why don't you actually start doing that!! Then she wouldn't have to make believe!!" Hmmm...that might get them to step up to the plate. Probably not, but at least it might make them feel ashamed or embarrassed that their poor Mom has to make up nice stories about them. : /
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
It could be dementia that leads her to talk that way. I think most mothers' natural instinct is to see the best in each of their children, deserved or not. However, you could appeal to her perceived sense of mental stability and just call her on it. You could show her the supermarket receipt and point out that everything in the fridge is what you bought. You could ask her to show you the things they supposedely brought for her, and where are the empty takeout containers? Don't be surprised if she fabricates additional lies to cover up the original ones!

It is a bit antagonistic to go that route with her, but when you are the only one really doing all the work, it stings when they give others credit for nothing. I do this occasionally with my uncle when he is being unappreciative and he tells me he can get somebody else to do what I do for him, and then prove him wrong when I check it out and he says they charge too high a fee for services (he thinks he can get everything for free or tries to play on people's sympathies to 'volunteer' their services). His attitude just galls me sometimes.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter