Do I continue to take treats to my mother?
I put my mother into assisted living in August. She will be 88 this year and is in good health with the exception of some arthritis and minor dimentia.
I will be honest in saying that i love my mother but she has been a sarcastic and manipulative person all of her life. She can also be very dramatic. She has lived with me for the last 20 plus years and really never made an effort to associate or have a life outside of controlling me. She was never mean but knew how to push my buttons.
I could give many more details but I won't unless asked.
Anyhow, this assisted living facility is fantastic. It is beautiful, clean, and they serve 3 meals a day. Compared to others I looked at this is like the Hilton Hotel!
My mother will NOT get up and walk across the hall to eat meals. She refuses to get up and go to breakfast, 9 times out of 10 will not go to lunch and now I find out she has them bring dinner to her room. She may eat 1/4 of it and throw the rest away. She will not make any effort to participate in activities.
There is nothing wrong with her stomach or appetite. She is able to walk.
My mother has me bring her Quaker Oats cereal bars with yogurt 2-3 boxes a week and ice cream. She has no problem eating these.
Sorry to ramble but this past weekend when I was there (she is 1/2 mile away so this is often) she had not gone to any meals that day and told me that when they brought her dinner they mentioned to her that her daughter was going to be upset with her not coming for meals and she looked at me with a very smug look and said "I told them I don't care".
I was quite hacked and replied that if she didn't care then neither did I and I left.
I think my mother knows exactly what she is doing.
This angers me because we went through a LOT of trouble to get her into this place. She makes no effort at all to be the least bit happy.
I did not expect her personality to change but her big complaint before going was that she was left home alone too much (I have a life).
My question is that I am torn. At 88 do I just take her the snack crap food to eat when she tells me she wants it and just be happy she's alive or stop taking this stuff and hope that she'll go for meals??
Someone suggested taking a cereal bar away for each meal she doesn't go eat.
I love my mother but I am not liking her much anymore.
The fact that she is skipping all sends a different message. I would certainly NOT bring ice cream or non nutritious items. That alone may force her to go to the dining room where desserts are available! You can leave smaller quanities of the other items as a supplement (2-3 cereal bars and yoghurt). I would never leave her with boxes of items. Again, pushing her to the dining room. If you can co-ordinate a visit at meal time, join her for the meal in the dining room. "Come Mom, I missed breakfast and I'll join you for lunch." There are actually cases of seniors 'bullying' others! Watch the dynamics and observe those at her table. (You may have to let the dining room know you will be there for the meal.)
Finally, it may be time to have her asseded medically for a 'mood elevator'. Many seniors are suffering from depression because no one wants to discuss it! Good luck.
These things are what makes me angry and then I feel guilty. When it comes to trying to do anything to make herself happy she won't even try. But when it comes to manipulating me she seems as sharp as a tack.
The counselors told me that you have to think and treat her as a toddler.
So here is the question for you.... would you allow a child to eat only junk food or would they be required to eat meals?
Don't get me wrong, I understand how you feel. You are at the point of "whatever makes you happy". But as I am learning the hard way, a lot of it is for attention.
She's being the pouty little girl who won't come out and play. Let them handle her mood swings, she's not the first client to throw tantrums. She will come around when she sees no one will give in to her. Stand your ground!!!
Treats are not too much to ask for, having said that, so what if you are enabling sub optimal nutrition, she likes treats over low sodium food. NO GUILT! She is in the right place, you deserve a life. Shake off any negativity. Being old sucks, but that is not your fault and the alternative to aging is not all that attractive either. She is lucky to have you visiting and caring and to be in a nice place.
I think what I have realized is that when she angers me with her manipulative tactics I feel anger flaring inside me for MANY things she has done in the past that I personally need to deal with.
I am going to contact my health insurance through my work and get some counseling for this. Thank you for the little push I obviously needed to take this step.
My mother is in a NH and going to the dining room is not optional. They don't allow eating in the room. (I suppose it depends on your condition, but my mother has to go to the dining room.) Eating a balanced meal has helped my Mother's attitude and health 100%. Good luck and don't let her manipulate her.