I am sole caregiver for mom who has dementia for more than 8 years, I feel horrible for telling my mom you are sh*t. and this is the second time I do that in my life. I just lost my temper. I called mom with this after I spend an hour trying to change her diaper and cloths. all feces on her cloths and diaper. I tried first nicely even I think I was stressed and exhausted. I spent nights sleeping only two to three hours only just to prevent the dirt go outside the bathroom or when I hear something I jump from my bed check on my mom make sure she is okay and did not fall this is going on for months and months. I am so tired and I am fogy. I know this is not an excuse to call mom a name. I do love mom and I feel so horrible. I feel I am really bad ugly daughter. Some time I wish I die for being some time rude to mom. I know God will punish me one day when I get old. Someone much younger than me will treat me hatefully. HATE MYSELF. I pray to God to forgive me. But God will not forgive me each time if I repeat it.
How can I control my temper when I am so tired and fatigue. Mom deserve the best
When I interviewed the agencies (note this bit because they like to try to interview you!) I explained that I had some non negotiable issues that I was prepared to cover the costs of.
They would either wash their hands after every task OR they would wear gloves and change them after every task.
I would provide the gloves latex or non latex.
I would also provide hand creams that are dermatologically safe and
I would provide sanitisers for the areas that needed sanitising but
I would NOT accept the use of hand-gels in the house as we have running water and there is no need for them
I expected everything that was soiled to be disposed of and double bagged as is the health requirement or using the designated sanitised bins that I would provide (bearing in mind I had them anyway for when the carers weren't there.
I expected the commode to be cleaned after every usage in a specific way
I expected them to help Mum help herself as much as she could and not to do everything for her
Now this is the most basic of care skills. This isn't over the top at all. It forms the every foundation of basic performance not excellence in care. No takers from two agencies.
one said that because I had such high demands (pffft) it would take more time and therefore cost more.
I reported two agencies and didn't use the third hence me doing my own caring because if nothing else I know it is done bloody properly in terms of hygiene.
The social workers and I had a very heated discussion. She said I seemed belligerent. I told her she hadn't seen belligerent yet but if she wanted me to I was quite happy to escalate the conversation to belligerence. hen I took a deep breath and said this.
I don't KNOW what level of care YOU think is suitable; I don't even know that you understand the basics of basic infection control principles BUT I DO and I WILL NOT accept people who purport to be carers and no zip about hygiene coming in to MY home and making it unsafe for my mother. Do we understand each other now? GOOD - NOW YOU CAN LEAVE.
Im never good when rattled - they haven't been back! They sent others to make sure I was following my own practices and I am very happy to say the woman who came was gobsmacked that my records were so complete. I bet the social workers were too!
One care worker thought she wore gloves to protect herself and yes they do do that too. So when I caught her walking through from the bathroom to the kitchen WEARING THE SAME GLOVES she had had on when she wiped a residents backside I asked her what on earth she thought she was doing. So I took a substance that they use in training that lights up under UV light and asked her to repeat what she had just done - I gave her clean gloves and sprayed the substance on. She went from the bathroom to the kitchen and when we turned the uv light on she was horrified. it was on the floor, the door handles the doors, the handrail, the carpet to say nothing of what was on her clothes and even on her face and hair. She changes her gloves every time and I am absolutely confident that she will continue to do so.
Acid test by the way for hand washing. If you wash your hands properly and thoroughly and then dry them thoroughly you will be able to slip your hands into even tight fitting latex gloves easily. There are heaps of diagrams that show you how to hand wash properly - I would put one up in the bathroom and tell her to observe it or consider another occupation - her behaviour is too risky as it stands
Let me be very clear here.
It takes 25 seconds before the soap activates and cleans effectively.
The alcohol gels are only suitable for use in an emergency they are not to be used instead of hand washing.
After 4 uses the bacteria WILL grow on the gel.
Bacteria need four things to thrive food moisture warmth and time.
If you don't wash your hands thoroughly and if you don't dry your hands thoroughly afterwards then you will be contributing to bacterial growth and subsequent contamination.
Show her that. I wrote an educational book for care workers on infection and contamination and I can absolutely tell you that this information is correct. The senior infection control adviser of one of the world's leading heart specialist hospitals told me this when we met, and trust me she would know.
but I do not feel caregiver give me a lot of help. they do not clean the way I want ( she does not clean her hands after bathroom as suppose to be. she saying washing hands will dry her hands). my brother telling me you should expect that and accept it. I am scared mom or I catch disease. am I going too far! not sure may be. any way I will try her and see if she will give me some break. also I need someone to take care of mom while I am getting my treatment in hospital for being severely anemic.
God WILL exalt you on high for the loving care you have given your mom!! You are going beyond the mark, IMHO. I hope you can get some help. and soon. You deserve and need a break.
I would research what she can afford, if she qualifies for Medicaid, etc. and any other resources. If you don't get support, you may not be able to care for her very long due to your own health failing.
the last 11 years to helping her. The more I try, the worse it is for me... I can't even remember who I am anymore... Or remember the beautiful person I used to be... Life is so unfair at times... While it is so short... I guess there's a lot of beautiful good-hearted daughters, sons... that get under-appreciated and it sure plays havoc on us. I guess the question is how do we come out of it?...
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/not-everyone-cut-out-to-be-a-caregiver-162192.htm
Taking care of yourself is extremely important. If you reach burnout, then you will not be able to care for your loved one.
Here are my suggestions:
1. find a source of regular respite care. Pay someone or ask for help @ your church or your friends.
2. Do simple exercises during the day. Exercise will lift your spirits.
3, Cut back on the amount of caffiene, sugar and processed foods. These affect your energy and your mood. Drink more water.
4. Find a few minutes almost everyday to do something you love, whether it is knitting for 10 minutes or reading a book or emailing someone important.
5. Identify three ways to simplify your life. Wear the same clothes every other day. Serve the same meal every other day, with memory loss, it does not matter. Spending 15 minutes every day reducing the amount of clutter in the room(s) where you spend the most time. Just throw out stuff you don't use.
6. Find out if you can pay your bills on line. Then you won't worry if the payments are received on time.
7. Go through your checkbook to see if you can eliminate unnecessary expenses. If you can, then paying for respite care might be easier.
8. Get enough sleep, but not too much.
I hope these simplifying your life steps will help you. I suggested them because they free up your time and attention and brain power. They will give you a little more control over your life.
Do your best. Somedays that is all we can do.
Of course God will forgive you. That isn't part of the equation. I too truly believe that "what goes around, comes around" and I think I will be in for some rough days in my senior years but I am hoping I also get good compassionate care just as I also have given on the "not so bad" days. When I wasn't too tired, I was able to ask members of my Church for extra prayer on my behalf because I was too tired to pray. Those that understood, stepped up as a Church family should, and carried me through the rough stuff. Sometimes God just wants us to stop trying to do it all alone. It's hard to ask for help in any manner because that guilt voice tries to convince you that you are failing if you have to ask. But, that is when God is able to do His best. Bed days and bad circumstances don't mean you have become a bad person. It just means you are tired. Time to acknowledge that. Just let go and let God bring strength and assistance, comfort and confidence.
My mom can sometimes get to me in such a way where I just want to run away for good. She can get into calling multiple times within a short period of time which over top of everything else can make me super stressed and upset. My temper and patience gets short and sometimes I do say something and then apologize. It happens when I've talked to her 5-10 times in a hour. A few times I've gone into the bathroom, turned on the fan and screamed as loud and long as my poor lungs could handle it!
We're not perfect and can't make a perfect life for our parents. We carry so much and can only do as much as we can. We have to relieve the constant stress and and pressure because our mind, body and spirit cannot live in this fashion. We have to recognize when we need help and get it. I did finally get in home care and thank God I did. It has saved my sanity. And it has helped my parents get care from an untired, unstressed and patient friend to enrich their lives. I fear if you don't, you'll just burn right out or worse.
Cost containment would have a strong, but temporary effect on the stock market. Seriously, though, I don't know how the US can continue on the path it is on when it comes to healthcare costs. Who could afford it? Not even the government.
cmagnum, yes you are right. I and my brother should have realistic plan. I really need to have a plan to save myself, I feel I am going down to hell. if I can not recharge myself I can not help mom and myself.
You two need to have a heart to heart talk about a new plan and what is realistically possible given the care needs of your mother. You may be looking at a situation where medicaid is needed and for her to get 24/7 care from people who work 8 hour shifts. Then, you'll need to inform your mother that you are very concerned about her safety and care which you are no longer able to do 24/7 like you have for the last 8 years for her dementia and other health problems are more than realistically one human being can do alone.