This was one of the saddest conversations I have ever had. My dad is a very well educated man and has been very successful in his professional life. He now finds himself in this terrifying new world of "dementia". He is just sick enough to know that he is sick, which is a horrible place to be. I'm not sure how to get him across the bridge. As sad as it makes me, I realize that once he is further down the path, he won't be so terrified and tormented. I just have no idea how to help comfort him. He knows that he's not going to get better. The only thing that I've been able to think of to tell him when his mind goes to dark places was that if he was thinking something that made him feel scared and afraid, it wasn't real. He's currently in a skilled nursing facility after being in the hospital after a terrible fall. I wrote a letter for him to keep by his bed telling him that he was safe, that the bad things weren't real and that I loved him. I don't know what else to do.
One of the best books I have read on dementia is: "This Ugly Disease" by Donald Zoller. His wife had dementia and has since passed but it is very helpful for anyone who is a 'care partner' of a dementia person. The author is a graduate from Sioux Falls University South Dakota.
Knowing that even as a professional there is little I am able to do it is important to NEVER lie to the dementia person, be loving even when that person is unloving, have a quiet time every day with that person, and most of all prayer for that person to gracefully pass on when HIS timing is completed. I have many times spent time in prayer and crying to God for HIS wisdom and strength. She is happy in the Assisted Living portion of the Retirement Community we chose to move to years ago. If you think it is easy to live alone and do everything in the house and still be the spouse - well, it is VERY difficult believe me.
My dad lived that way for ten years because of dementia caused by surgery. I tried to go with where he was that day. If he could understand what was real, I'd tell him. If not, I'd go with validation and re-direction. His dementia was different than vascular dementia because he didn't really have memory issue (which almost made it worse). However, all we can do in many cases is reassure, comfort and then try to distract and redirect.
Try to take care of yourself,
Carol
A broken brain is a terrible thing; it plays tricks on you. This summer, my mom became convinced that she had leprosy. She claims that a dermatologist once told her that, and that I know all about it. No amount of calling her old doctors and getting reassurances, a trip to a new dermatologist or anything else helped. Upping her anxiety meds did, although she remains convinced that she's given whatever she has to my niece's newborn. (sigh)
You might also explore if the facility your dad is staying will have the staff and activities to challenge him and keep him as active as possible, for as long as possible. Just sitting in bed, might make him feel worse. Unless he continues to have some serious medical problem, he might do well in AL or Memory Care, where others are able to understand and support him better.
Also, if his skills are still available, he might communicate with other people who have cognitive decline or dementia online. They are able to offer support and comfort. PM me, if you interested in finding a link for them.