My dad has dementia but my mom is the problem. What can I do?
My 94-year-old dad has been diangosed with dementia. I think his doctor doesn't want to use the A word around my parents, but he is treating dad with Aricept and Namenda. Dad's dementia has been coming on for several years--at least 3 to 5 years, maybe longer. He was finally diagnosed when my sister and I took him to his doctor four months ago and asked for some answers.
My 90-year-old mom is the primary caregiver, although my sister and I have been there constantly (taking turns) for the past 4 months, as my mom was in the hospital much of that time. Now that my mom is back home, she is caught up on dad's diagnosis and treatment. However, she cannot or will not treat him like a person with dementia. She scolds him for forgetting things, she belittles him for repeating things, and she constantly replays all the things he has done wrong, such as backing the car over a bush or driving into the garage door.
When I've talked with her and tried to explain that it's his dementia that causes this behavior and he can't help it, she says oh he's never paid attention or listened to her. That's not true. He tries very hard to please her, but it's hopeless. She gives him very complicated and confusing directions, asks him complicated questions, and then gets angry when he struggles to figure out what she wants him to do.
My sister and I both live many states away from them. As I return home today, I am worried that without my sister or me being there to temper her anger and remind her how to communicate with him, she will only make things worse for him rather than give him the support, patience, and understanding he needs.
He is very sweet, cooperative,and good-natured, and wants to be helpful and useful. She recognizes some of that but constantly points out the things he can no longer do. She is really playing the martyr here. What can I do?
I'm thinking about talking with a long-time family friend (former high school classmate of mine) whose mother died of Alzheimer's disease. My mom would trust her and might listen to her, perhaps more than she would a family member.
My real hope is that they will move to assisted living where he could get some professional care and the burden would be lessened on my mom. A nearby facility we have visited recently has all levels of care, including a memory care unit. Now the challenge is to guide them into wanting that for themselves rather than feeling pressured by their kids.
Considering your Mom's age she may be experiencing her own level of dementia or age related issues. I think you may find that you or sister are going to have to take over the care for your Dad full time. This may involve Adult protective Services. I am not there yet with my Dad but he is a pretty healthy 80- Mom 75. 90 is pretty old to be dealing with a loved one with Alzheimer's , sorry to say. Even if a young 90. My GIL is 97 and just this last year she has been really losing her mental abilities so I know it is possible to be with it at 90 but she only had to take care of herself at that age and went into an AL place at 94 though still doing pretty well on her own.
Please take care of your Dad. He needs you. He needs someone to step in and take over. Good luck and God bless.
Has Mother always been so critical of Dad? If this is simply the nature of their relationship, I don't see a lot of hope for sudden drastic improvement.
But if you think she truly doesn't understand that he cannot help his behavior, perhaps you could find someone to educate her -- someone she might take more seriously than she takes her own kids. A minister? A sister or brother or cousin of her own generation? A nurse? His doctor? If you can think of anyone to explain the facts of dementia to her, I hope you can contact them and get help with talking to her.
What she is doing is VERY hurtful to poor Dad, as you realize. Do you think that he might be better of in a dementia care unit?
This is hard stuff. Between the elderly person not wanting to lose independence, not being able to judge the situation appropriately, and the child (me) not wanting to believe things would only get worse, it is hard to see things for what they are, and even then, I am not sure when and what I would have or could have done differently when so much possible help was refused. My mom also did not want people coming in to the house; she kept saying she could not "take care of them" meaning she couldn't imagine visitors coming over and her not fixing meals for them :-). She might have been able to go back home if she had been willing to consider it, but when the home health people visit to talk about it and are politely or impolitely declined by the person served three or four times, you can't necessarily make it happen.