He has a tantrum when I try to assert how I want things. He rips items out of my hands saying he wants to do the task, asserting that he wants to earn his keep and stay useful. He has taken over taking care of my dogs, does all the grocery shopping (with my credit card), holds onto my set of keys for my apartment (it's not possible to make more copies of the keys; it's part of my rental agreement) and so I have to buzz to get into my own home. He moves all the cleaning supplies, rearranges my cabinets and linen closet, insists on doing ALL the laundry, the dishes, etc. I effectively stay in my room all day, cajoled into submission -- he makes it clear that he NEEDS to stay active in order to live longer. My life is not my own. I feel just like I did when I was a little kid. My parents would just leave me in my room all day when I wasn't at school. Please help. The only way I can stand up for myself leads to him throwing a tantrum and calling me ungrateful and showing me how hurt his feelings are that I don't just love sitting on my bum all day. What's happening here and what can I do to effectively take my home back without rejecting my dad?
Step 1 - reclaim those keys. If your rental agreement says you can't make copies, I'm pretty sure your landlord won't like the keys not being in your personal safekeeping, either (or at least that's what you tell your Dad!).
What more can you tell us about his circumstances, his career and interests, and so on? I assume you're an only child, are you? How long has your father been on his own?
Ok. What you've got is a temporary situation - bearable - morphing into a permanent situation - unbearable and unsustainable. Time for a major rethink.
What you have got going for you is a lot of love. Hold tight to that, it will really help.
I'm not going to comment on your siblings' behaviour, my mother told me not to use that sort of language. "Cruel" comes into it, too, though - I think I can safely say that.
The time has come to look ahead. How would it suit you and your husband to make your father a permanent part of your family? If that's a no-no (and for heaven's sake think it through THOROUGHLY between just the two of you, before you say a word to your father), then the next option is finding your father a suitable independent home, choosing it with exceptional care - big subject, would need a lot of detailed discussion.
If it is a possibility, then the big discussion would be what sort of home do the three of you need? No children, is that right? Do you and your husband move home regularly/frequently? Given your father's background, he'd be more adaptable and capable than many men of his age; but do make allowances for advancing age and increasing dependence - look five, ten years ahead.
But the main point is that once you've raised and settled the "is this forever" question, your father will know where he stands. How can he possibly have any sense of security until then? If you attribute a big chunk of his frenetic activity to uncertainty, anxiety, self-doubt, frustration, grief and loss, even fear - all of which would be reasonable in his circumstances - you can see which of his issues are the ones that need addressing most urgently.
And you have to do all this without getting mad at your brother for his brutal rejection, or even calling it what it is. Very tricky. Try to scrub your brothers as options and concentrate on your own and your father's future happiness - plan a whole new route. Best wishes.
What country are you in? I'm not making any silly assumptions about resources or facilities even if the "natives" don't speak English! - goodness me is there civilisation beyond..? ;), but it could make a difference to practicalities. Crumbs! You're not in Japan by any chance, are you? Or am I stereotyping again… Anyway, no, not if there no services. Russia… No, I must stop this. No more guesses, promises. Gosh now I'm wondering how embarrassingly wrong I've been.
I suppose one bright spot is that your brother can yell all he likes but you're definitely a safe distance from him. And your father too. He can't hurt either of you any more.
He also can't hurt an accountant. Time for an audit, perhaps, of your father's assets, who has title, what has been spent and where everything is. Your father has capacity, ergo he is the client, ergo an accountant needs only his permission to audit his affairs in full. And I can't see an accountant, no matter how outwardly mousey his or her personality, taking "it's all in my head" for an answer. If you don't know where to source one, see if your husband can ask a colleague to suggest a US contact; otherwise it's down to homework on the internet and searching for a good fit for your requirements.
Meanwhile, ensure that your father has not been strong-armed into setting up any kind of Power of Attorney. If you discover, yikes!, that he has, get it revoked NOW. The aim is to get all control of your father's assets out of your brother's reach, permanently. POA could go to you, but if your father is sufficiently well off it might be more appropriate to appoint a professional: he must get good advice, and choose carefully.
I assume your father has some kind of pension income, no? Strictly speaking, you shouldn't be paying all of his living expenses, and apart from proprieties it can't be doing his ego any good.
So, maybe step one, then, is to help your father get his money sorted out; then he'll feel more comfortable as an active, paying participant in further planning. Depending on where you are, it might be a good idea to schedule a fixed-term visit back to the States and treat this as a project to tie up as many straggly legal and financial ends as you can - don't necessarily expect to have everything sorted out, but break the back of it at least.
I love engineers. They make things work, and don't mess about with irrelevant nonsense. So if the end is "happy secure future for Dad" the rest is a matter of concentrating on the means to it, and any sibling involvement that doesn't contribute wants sweeping aside. Does he like the country you're in? Could he set his mind to learning the language?! - that could keep him out of your hair for a couple of hours a day!
Don't be afraid to be strong. No matter how you felt about her, you're not likely to have escaped your mother's genes entirely; so if you have got the odd personality trait of hers why not turn it round and use it to good effect? Let the occasional glimmer through and your father might even find it reassuring (but don't get carried away!).
Tip for your father: I spent a month on a farm in Burgundy when I was 10. Came home still speaking English only with a beautiful French accent - not quite what my mother had in mind when she sent me, but it seemed to make it easier to be understood!
Do you have EU citizenship yourself? Would that kind of move potentially help with your father's healthcare? Don't envy you all that bureaucracy, though, ouch.
I can understand that your father wouldn't enjoy confronting your brother, but to cancel the limited Power of Attorney he won't have to confront him, just notify him. There's a happy thought.
You watch those ladies at the market, mind they keep off him. Grrrrr.
So dad says he thinks he needs to get home by the end of Feb and I'm pretty sure after I have a chance to talk with my hubby, we can figure out a way to subsidize him on that first leg of him gaining his independence. In the meantime, I'll help him find a financial counselor from the phone directory in the senior community he wants to move to, get him on Skype to have a couple preliminary conversations and hopefully point him in the right direction (freedom from my stupid brother!). That's a start. More suggestions are welcome! And thanks everyone!
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