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My dad never liked being alone and his last marriage was his happiest. But she passed away in 2010 and he has been alone ever since. He had suffered a pretty hard stroke 1year prior to her passing and it has really effected him emotionally, he cries at the drop of a leaf, everything is gloomy in his eyes. We live on the Cape Cod and it's a summer place, so fall and winter are very desolate, many houses are empty because they are summer homes, businesses are closed, he see it as very empty (half empty glass guy). He has no drive to do anything I try to get him to read a book, see a movie, go to the senior center and he won't. He will just curl up on the couch and sleep. I take him to the doctors regularly and we talked about antidepressants but he thinks it will make him a vegitable and that he is doing fine. I don't want him to be a vegetable, I just have a hard time seeing him feel so empty and crying when he doesn't know what to do. I try to get him to play card, chess anything to keep his mind off the emptiness, but that's hard to maintain ! Anyone else deal with this and have some ideas ? He is hard of hearing but refuses to get aids, so I kind of understand not liking the movies. Can not get him to understand that not hearing makes him more disconnected from the world, adds to the depression.

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Go to escci.org which is Elderly Services of Cape Cod and the Islands. Look up some adult activities near you. Socialization with peers is important.
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It seems to me that you are doing nearly everything possible, but I know it's heartbreaking for you to see him like this. Pstegman presented a terrific option.

Another option is your state website. If you type your state's name and the words aging or aging services into your web browser, you should see a list of local options. Look for a version of the National Family Caregivers Support Program. This program is federal and can offer a lot of help. It's a little different in each state, but still you should find support.

Good luck and please keep checking in on this forum. It's a terrific community of caring people with a lot of wisdom.
Carol
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I agree with psteqman. When my mother met her new beau at the age of 78 at an adult center, it lifted her spirits she was in love again and life was wonderful. She passed four years later, but it was about the happiest time of her life.
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You don't say how old and or in what physical condition your father is, but if he is physically able to take care of a pet that might be the answer. Cats are easy to care for. I've seen two instances where adding a cat to the household cheered up the individual immensely. They no longer feel alone and they have something they need to think about other than themselves.
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If people or pets don't work, try anti-depressant medication. It worked wonders for my mom when the first two didn't work.
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My dad is in exactly the same position. He misses the life he had with his late wife and the community interest. He hates living with my sister and finds it too quiet. He refuses to mix with people his own age or go to the senior club and wants us to take him out all the time. we both work. He is selfish and self absorbed ad he had been when he remarried and now make all these demands on us. We have tried everything at first to please him, nothing helps. Not a cat, book, tv, a movie, renting a male companion...nothing. Its placed a heavy burden on us and we are fed-up.
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I will pray for you and your Dad. One thing I know is that God makes all the difference. I'm not talking about going to church and being "religious." I'm talking about knowing God. Do you or your father have this kind of relationship with God? I also know that as Jesus said, "In this world, you will have troubles. But take heart, I have overcome the world." When we are in Jesus, resting on His salvation and ability to give us rest even in the midst of our greatest storms, we CAN endure the storms. In this life, the storms of pain and grief will always be. That's why Jesus when He was here emphasized HIS Kingdom. That is where our hope truly is. In the meantime, here on this fallen earth of grief, where folks, like your precious father, suffer, we still have One who can give us joy despite our suffering. Do you know Jesus, the Jesus of the Bible, not the so-called New Age varieties? Does your Dad know Him? I hope and pray so. If not, feel free to email me, so that I can help you find Him. Love and blessings, my friend.
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It sounds like you are doing everything you humanly can to alleviate your dad's depression. He's luck to have you in his corner cheering him on.

When you take your dad to the Dr. can you ask the Dr. to explain to your dad how antidepressants work? We all know that antidepressants don't turn people into vegetables. From what you wrote, the life he's leading now is what he fears regarding antidepressants. That is, if the Dr. thinks your dad would benefit from them they can only help.

You've given your dad some great suggestions on how to get out of the house and become more active. Laying around the house depressed and crying only perpetuates the depression. It's very depressing to lay around the house crying. Unless he takes a leap of faith and makes a decision to start feeling better there is little that you can do to change his situation. We can't make someone do something they don't want to do.

It must be heartbreaking to see your dad like this. If it were my dad I wouldn't be above a little begging to get him out of the house. When I cared for my dad and he wouldn't do something that I knew would be good for him I played the "Do it for me" and "I'm trying so hard to help you, can you meet me halfway?" cards. A little guilt never hurt anyone.
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I would urge that you check further into antidepressants. It took 3 suicide attempts for my husband to accept the fact that he needs to STAY ON HIS MEDS. The downside is that finding the right meds is often a trial-and-error process, and patients all too often cease taking the meds once they find they are feeling better. With my husband, I've found that compliance is the key and the last 16 years on the right antidepressants he's been a far better adjusted person than he was previously. And, by the way, the drugs DO NOT turn people into vegetables! Mental health professionals have a much better understanding of the problem than they used to, and with proper evaluation, diagnosis, and monitoring, should be able to give your father -- and you -- some much-needed relief.
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Last summer I felt unproductive and started writing a short story (I am 80) I never believed in antidepressants until about 12 years ago. I worked part time as a data entry clerk until I fell at age 79. Even though I cry a lot..my two favorite lines are; "don't let the tears fool ya." and " I yam who I yam.
The short story may never be finished and that is not a big issue for me. I needed stimulation and here I am....Namaste..oliveoyl
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"renting a male companion"

Can I get that phone number?
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Is that a picture of him in your avatar profile? In any event, I ask because it looks like their is a love of animals. How many shelters would love a senior to come in and care for the dogs/cats. A walk benefits the stray and dad. Barring high blood pressure, Wellbutrin worked wonders for my friend, but she lost weight, a thyroid check? Something to get his gear shift unstuck.
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I have a Mother the same who is the same way. She suffers from depression even before my Dad passed. She sleeps and says she is at peace. She would not eat till night time. Antidepressants have never helped her through her whole life. I tried to take care of her for years and cheer her up. After Dad passed it was impossible. I put her into Assisted Living as I could not watch my Mom any longer it was effecting my health. She has been there over 4 months and has taken some baby steps to move more. They try to keep her moving but do not succeed all the time. She is finally used to the staff and has gone to some of the activities. The meals are downstairs and she must go if she wants food. They monitor that, She has net some friends, Still has bouts of depression. M opinion is that antidepressants are not very workable with grieving issues, maybe chemical imbalances. I am not sure if this helps but I felt so guilty putting her in there but know now in my heart she is better off....and yes there is some improvement:)
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I agree with SWOMBO. Before you 2 visit the doctor regarding depression and the possibility of antidepressants, read (more) about this subject, make notes of your observations of your father. Be prepared to offer even more encouragement and positive suggestions from which you, the doc, and YOUR FATHER (as the foreman/capt. of his ship) can design a care plan which he will want to follow, incorporating very appealing goals, objectives, and positive & attainable outcomes---through lotsa lotsa small steps. I have witnessed many patients, friends, and relatives experience remarkable results with proper treatment. I know this is very difficult at times Seacoast69. My prayers are with you.
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Antidepressants are not sleeping pills. My father had a stroke in his 80's and was very depressed. He was put on an anti-depressant . The first one didnt work but the doctor tried another type and that one did work. He was somewhat better in his attitude but the sad part was/is that when someone who was a vital, outgoing person has a stroke and can't take care of his/herself, it IS depressing.
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The latest research shows a connection between hard of hearing, depression and dementia. They are all related to one another and the sooner he gets hearing aids and an antidepressant the happier he will be. Get him a book on the brain and how the chemicals being out of balance are really causing the depression and loneliness, crying, etc. Older generations think all they have to do is "pick themselves up" and they can get out of the depression. Sleeping a lot is a major red flag. So is lack of sunshine and he needs Vitamin D. Hearing all of this from you might not do any good, so let a professional do it. :)
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Your father sounds like a person who needs to have people with him. He lost his wife in 2010 so it is just about 4 yrs. I would have the doctor do some medical blood work and talk to him about depression. This winter is enough to depress anyone. I would push for a hearing aide on a trial basis, if he starts hearing more, it will help the depression and isolation.

Good luck.
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I agree with the suggestions to get him socializing or involved with activities, and pets do work wonders for some people.

But I would also really encourage him to try the antidepressants. I'm not usually a huge fan of them as I think they are over-prescribed for mild depressive symptoms that would be better managed by changing environment and activities. But your father's symptoms sound really substantial, and sometimes the antidepressant helps people get to the point that they can engage in some new activities.

Maybe you can persuade him to try an antidepressant for at least a few months? In older adults Zoloft and Celexa usually have best side-effect profile and fewest interactions with other drugs.
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I like what eyerishlass had to say too. My dad was very lonely and basically depressed (a problem off an on for years and a glass half full attitude) when he decided he wanted to move from his home. We moved him to an Independent Living home and he still drove a little. But once he moved in he really got depressed and anxiety to the point where he was so negative and emailing and calling my sister and I all the time with how awful things were, that we decided that was it! We made an appt with his PCP and drove up there and the three of us went to the doctor together. We had called and given a heads up to the nurse first of why we were there. We got dad to admit he felt depressed and he agreed to try medication. Basically it was an intervention as he was spirally out of control. What a huge difference it made! The emails of negativity stopped and he began to be less anxious and more accepting of things. We also called the Agency on Aging and he got hooked up with a social worker who would come out and just talk to dad about his life. He never knew we paid for and arranged that because like many senior men, he is resistant to therapy. The doctor told him the meds were only 1/3, but exercise and socializing were the other 2/3. It sure appears your dad is depressed but meds do not turn people in to vegetables. He may be thinking of the old antipsychotics. You may have to make an appt., take him, and both have a frank discussion with his doctor. Ask him to do it for you when the Dr. suggests medication. Another service that is helpful is to have a church with a Stephen Minister program, connect him with his own Stephen minister, who is a listening friend for those in need and it's free! I'm a SM, so I know what a great help it is for the lonely. I sure hope you can take control as it's sounds like that is what is needed.
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Ferris, I just read your post and you are right on the mark!! Speaking of vitamin D, lack of it too is related to dementia and I had my dad tested and bingo he was low. Be sure his doctor does the labs related to his symptoms. My dad resisted hearing aids too, but get his doctor to support you on getting him referred to an audiologist who works with an ENT. My dad is so glad he for them now and so are we!!
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Yes that is my dad in the avatar with Tootsie. He didn't take care of the dog and gave it up. Funny part is my mom (his Ex) took it. We have had some good conversation about hearing aids and what he is missing. I'm going to keep on him about it. He has blood work every doctor visit, I will talk with his doctor again about his depression at the next visit. Getting him into some sort of charity or donate time is not like him. He's far from a generous kind of person.
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Be sure when you bring up the depression at his appt. that you are both in the room with the doctor so it can be heard by all three present. I know what you mean about charity, my dad won't do that either. It's hard..hang in there.
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I want to thank everyone for their suggestion. I'm going to take up a lot of them particularly the more detailed blood work (vitamin D) he takes a multi everyday, having the doctor suggest the hearing aids, maybe a hearing test. My dad is taking a antidepressant and it has been changed a few times to try to help. The GP doc didn't want to send him to psychiatrist he felt that he may get over medicated and become something of a vegetable. I personally believe that his stroke is what effects him emotionally. When we visited with a neurologist I read a poster he had on stroke and it showed what part of the brain effect what and how the stroke effects you. Basically the side my dads stroke was controls emotion, among other things. He wasn't always so emotionally weak as I remember as a kid. Now he cries at the thought of anyone's death, visiting places he has been with friends that have past on, or even looking at old pictures ( which he has a lot of). If I could take them away I would but he wouldn't like it, so I don't. Thanks again everybody, if there is a break through I will let you know.
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P.S. My dad is 84 in April, none of his parent live to see 65, that is something to be said for how far we have come.
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Feeling like a zombie or a vegetable is a rare, though not nonexistent side effect, and if the antidepressant or other med causes that, then it's not the right med and can be stopped. Weepiness, which I hesitate to label "weakness" because when you're depressed, just getting off the couch at all is an act or superhuman strength, is a classic symptom of depression. Part of depression itself is the belief that nothing can help, it is not worth the energy to go out and get the help, that YOU are not worth the effort of getting well. And really - what are you if you are laying on the couch and experiencing no pleasure in life? Maybe not a vegetable, but mainly because turnips and carrots are perfectly happy to be turnips and carrots... depression actively hurts. Suffering like that for fear of side effects that most likely will not even happen makes NO sense, except to the depressed person whose is seeing the world and their life through poop-colored glasses and whose glass looks WAY less than half full. Depression after a stroke is as common as rain...maybe commoner, as in up to 50-60%...and it's thought to be at least as much biological as situational. If GP doesn't want to use the local psychiatrist because he knows full well they tend to overmedicate or go to antipsychotics too quickly, fine, but he needs to get on the stick and treat this himself. Sometimes you hear people - docs andloved one both say "well I'd be depressed too if I'd lost my sweetie and a piece of my brain, and was living in Cape Cod in the worst winter ever, " but no, you would feel a little blue and experience normal grief, which is significantly different than living in the pit of depression. Get that old movie "Ordinary People" and watch it; the protagonist describes (spot on!) what it is really like to be depressed and suicidal, but finally recovers. Completely and triumphantly, and even though some of the sad things in his life do not go away.

BTW most multivits have only about 400-800 units of vitamin D, and the average modern cave dweller who gets no sunlight and next to nothing in the diet will benefit from 2,000 units a day or more depending on just how depleted they are. We even do the 50,000 units a week by Rx when we get back vitamin D levels in the teens or less, which is the definite deficiency range and distressingly common too. Add a little gamma tocopherol to the alpha tocopherol (two different vitamin E forms - most cheap OTC multivits have only alpha which may be pro-coagulant, a few have mixed which is probably better- read the fine print on the label) in that multivitamin as well while you're at it.
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About the hearing aids - I am a hearing aid user myself, and count them a blessing - when they work OK. I have lovely bright red open-fit behind-the-ear ones but it turns out I should have gotten receiver-in-canal. Just a suggestion; most people your dad's age feel very negative about hearing aids, and you may want to treat the depression first and see if he gets to where he truly wants to hear better. Then he can really participate with the audiologist and think about the situations where they will help him the most and pick the right technology.
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It sounds like you are getting him checked for physical problems which could have caused the depression. It is common for stroke patients to "cry" or become more emotional than they were in their life prior to the stroke. I would investigate anti depression drugs which would not adversely effect the other meds he is on.
However, up to 84 the elderly are normally more independent, and often have their spouses and friends around. 85 and up many are widows or widowers, and lots of their siblings and close friends have passed on or went to a nursing home so they feel more and more isolated. Couple this with declining health and a nasty snowy winter, it is little surprise he is feeling down.

However, if he has a hobby or the ability to enjoy movies, read etc this can help. Outliving his parents probably makes him feel he is living on borrowed time. My father lived to 93 and up to 90 he was very independent, the last 3 yrs were difficult for him because he needed help after that point but he found ways
to enjoy life, reading was one skill he retained and he loved reading a good history book or biography.

Good luck, you are doing the best you can given the situation.
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