<p data-uw-rm-sr="">It had been a long time since I was able to see my mom who suffered a serious fall a few years back (due to my own health issues). I finally was able to see my mom this last week. She’s endured so much, but most awful, she got sepsis not long ago. It seemed to me to be very serious, so I told my dad I wanted to hop on a plane asap. He told me not to because doctors said her case wasn’t serious (come to find out, he later slipped that she almost died; he obviously just didn’t want me to come). I already had a trip planned to see her, so with his assurance, I decided to wait. The visit was something I’ve been dreading for awhile as I’ve been scared to see my mom in such an awful condition. She’s been bedridden and suffered mild memory issues ever since her fall.<p data-uw-rm-sr="">
<p data-uw-rm-sr="">Meanwhile, my sister, who lives in the same city as my parents, has suspected my dad of cheating. While I think that’s awful, my mom’s health has been my top priority and I just couldn’t even think about that. I regret that now after visiting. My mom’s rehab home was shockingly dirty and overcrowded. My dad makes good money so I was surprised to see the place he chose for her. I’m aware of how expensive and hard it is to find care, but this place made zero sense. On top of that, he was nowhere to be found. I didn’t see him the first two days I was there. And then I discovered a receipt that showed on one of the days he was unreachable, he purchased a $1,000 sapphire necklace. There’s no way this is for my mom as she’s not worn jewelry since her fall years ago, and she told me he quit buying her presents years ago.<p data-uw-rm-sr="">
<p data-uw-rm-sr="">While he deserves happiness, my
mom deserves proper care and affection. Her dementia got worse with sepsis and she started having sundowning outbursts - upset believing she was in a prison. But she’s also had tons of moments where she’s incredibly lucid, and during those moments, she’s only worried about where my dad is. She even made a “joke” that he got a girlfriend. I never affirm this because I know she needs only positivity in her life right now. I just assure her that he loves her - despite everything I’ve witnessed to the contrary. As I mentioned in a previous post, my dad is controlling of her care. He won’t let me have any say. But based on things he said while I was visiting, he has no desire to invest in her rehabilitation. I see her trying and wanting to get better, and I believe with the proper care she can. She’s not even getting the chance. But she still loves him and I have no rights. I’m sickened. I don’t want my mom to know he has a girlfriend because it would break her. I love her so much and all I want to do is help her heal and cheer her on and be a positive influence. But after a week of being with her, which was amazing, I had to get back to my house and to work, which is states away.
<p data-uw-rm-sr="">My dad is pure negativity, and I don’t see my mom getting better with him in control of her care. I’m lost. As with any story, there is so much more to this, but the main gist is while he may deserve happiness, my mom deserves the attention and care she was promised “in sickness and health.” He says he can’t afford better care, but then he drops $1,000 on a necklace. By the way, he has no clue I know about his girlfriend. If he did, I worry even more about his reaction and how he would punish me and my mom. I’m wondering if my mom would be better off divorced because I’m watching her diminish before my eyes because of a lack of care. But how can that even be a thing without her being of sound mind?
mom and dad are you biological parents.
Life has a way to turn .
ask or tell dad you’d like to meet his financial planner to figure out a way to get mom better help. And perhaps closer to home, his home so he can visit more often with less hassle.
Tell dad you would like to tour other places closer by since this facility seems to be overcrowded..
, @ perhaps it’s better if you invested in a better health facility instead of buying her jewelry. Because dad, we know mom doesn’t need to be won over, she loved you from the day she met you.
but today DAD, she needs you more than ever to show her you care, so let’s find her a nicer place close to home.., I know you love her more than words can say, let’s get her healthy and home sooner…
Or something like that, and see his response.
Just take him to talk to a financial adviser.., I don’t know. All I know is I probably would be too angry at my dad to have a polite conversation.
I would want to advocate for better care for mom.. he should be aware of that. Healthy family first before pricey presents for the other one..
And the fact that he in fact can afford better help for your mom but doesn't provide it is disgusting! And that he's cheating on your mom is even more disgusting.
Any man or woman that cheats on their spouse just because they are sick physically or mentally are assholes in my book. So quit trying to sugar coat it by saying that your dad deserves to be happy and call it like it is. Your dad's an ass!
He should be the one filing for divorce if he doesn't want to be in his marriage anymore, and instead wants a girlfriend.
And what kind of woman would even consider dating a married man who is doing the bare minimum for his wife, yet lavishing her with gifts? I mean any man or woman that would do that to their spouse will eventually do that to their girlfriend/boyfriend if and when they should ever get really sick as well don't ya think?
You may have to file for guardianship for your mom, so you can have the say about how and where she's being treated. I know that can cost thousands of dollars, but it may be worth it in the end.
And yes I would talk to an Elder Attorney to see what your moms options may be regarding getting a divorce. She does deserve SO much better than what your dad is giving her.
This is a huge emotional issue for you AND for mom. I understand your upset.
But to make this better, you're going to have to think clearly and strategically. That means getting good advice. Probably from an elder law attorney.
Is Dad still working? You mention that he "makes good money".
Is mom on Medicaid? Has Dad gone through and elder law attorney and done a division of assets? (This is typically what is done when one half of the couple remains in the community).
Not all Medicaid NH are dirty. My mother's was cleaner than my apartment and provided good care.
Consider talking to dad about what steps can be taken to improve mom's care. The more you find out about their financial situation, the more you may be able to help.
Also, consider that Dad might be caught up in some sort of scam. Happens to A LOT of elders these days
Also, consider that NH Care, paid for privately, costs $12k PER MONTH. The fact that dad has $1k does not mean that your parents have the means to private pay for a non-Medicaid home.
They key, it seems to me, is getting mom into better care.
Well, first of all, instead of taking this for discussion on a Forum I would FIRST take this for discussion with you FATHER. Even BEFORE that, with your sister.
Step #1: You and Sister get together and decide how you will approach Dad.
Step #2: You and Sister APPROACH Dad and tell him just what you told us. You do not want to deny him happiness when his own wife has more or less disappeared into dementia, and are not there to judge him for infidelity. HOWEVER, your mother deserves good care and from what you and Sister can observe is not getting it. That you are approaching him not as his judge but as her advocate.
Step #3: Give Dad a week to think on this, then approach again to see if you two and he can come up with a good care plan for Mom's comfort.
If so, this is one and done.
If not, this escalates.
You and Sister would then decide whether or not to approach an elder law attorney. I would NEVER tell Mom, so if his interference demands that, that's an end to this and you hope for the best from this husband and father for his wife. But if you can accomplish guardianship next question is DO YOU WANT IT. It would be a massive job to get mom placed and care for, a division of assets and it would be a court battle you would be unlikely to win. So watch what you want because you would no longer have the option of being as uninvolved as you are now.
Realistically, I would guess, there is not a lot you can do other than make a plea to your father for decent care of his wife until she dies. Their marriage may have been over for a long time, and seems certain to be when his wife is no longer the woman he married.
I wish you luck. This is a tragedy. Not everything can be fixed. I hope you'll update us as you come together with your sister to decide how to move forward.
We experienced something similar in my husband’s family.
My mother in law discovered a lump and went for a biopsy. It was non Hodgkin’s lymphoma.
She was devastated but did everything possible to go into remission.
Things weren’t looking so good and her oncologist sent her to M. D. Anderson in Texas for treatment.
She went into remission for five years. Unfortunately the cancer returned with a vengeance. She died at age 68.
My father in law did not cope well with my mother in law’s illness at all.
He couldn’t even convey what was going on to us. My mother in law thought that it was best to give her medical team permission to inform us directly of her condition.
Anyway, my father in law ran into an old classmate of his from Tulane University.
She was a widow and a volunteer at the hospital here in New Orleans. She and my FIL got together while my MIL was in the hospital for cancer treatments.
I would call the house and ask him to make out a grocery list for me to shop for and bring to their home.
He would say, “Oh, if you don’t mind. I would prefer that you come sit with Mom and I will do the shopping.”
I thought he may have needed a change of scenery so I stayed with my MIL while he was supposedly shopping.
He was gone for hours and would bring home just a couple of items in the shopping bag.
My in laws appeared to have a good relationship when my MIL was well. He went off the deep end when she became ill.
It was awkward and uncomfortable after my MIL died. I was extremely close with my MIL.
My FIL tried to force this woman down our throats immediately after my MIL’s death.
The woman bragged about how she comforted my FIL the night that my MIL died. She said that she held him close as my MIL was dying in the hospital.
That was way too much information for me to handle while I was grieving. I ended up in therapy to discuss my emotions.
My FIL’s behavior was so bizarre during and after my MIL’s death. My husband’s family was never the same afterwards.
Oh, the woman would not marry my father in law. They did live together for over 20 years until her death.
They both died in their late 90’s. I’m so glad that he saved enough money to live in a very nice assisted living facility after she died.
She did not want to marry and mix up finances. Louisiana is a community property state.
He was cheap with my mother in law but spent a fortune on his “companion.” He even called his new woman, “Sugar.” That was his pet name for his wife!
So, I can certainly empathize with the emotions that you are experiencing right now. Again, I am sorry.
I agree with the advice that Alva gave to you. That’s what I would do if I were you.
If your mother is now sundowning and has dementia, she is not going to get any better. She is going to get worse even if you believe with different care and rehab she will improve. She will not.
This does not mean that she should not be receiving decent or even adequate care.
Being kept clean, safe, fed decently, and receive proper medical care is not too much to ask of a care facility.
As for your father "cheating". That's none of your business or your sister's. The $1,000 sapphire necklace is one day in a higher-quality care facility and maybe not even with what these places cost.
If your father does not make your mother aware of his side relationship, no one else should. He has a right to have some happiness in his life too. Do you and your family expect him to just sit by your mother in the nursing home and wait to die?
Honestly, your father having a girlfriend has nothing to do with the care your mother gets or isn't getting.
Is it possible for you and your sister to sit down with him and offer to take over your mother's care? Tell him that you have no problem with him having a girlfriend. I think this will bring him around and make him receptive to letting you and your sister be more proactive in your mother's care.
You have to also try to see where your father is coming from too. He cannot take care of a bedridden invalid. He's likely afraid of letting you and your sister make decisions because he thinks you'll bail at some point and he'll be stuck trying to care for a bedridden invalid. He could be afraid to move her to a different facility.
If being reasonable doesn't work, you and your sister can always petition the court for emergency conservatorship/guardianship of your mother because your father is neglecting her basic needs.
I warn you this action could set off a lot of bad things in your family with your father and your mother's care. It is an option though.
So, if this is temporary, you can try to find her a better SNF to rehab in, or think about how many days she has left to go? And, is she being considered for long term care placement in this facility? If so, nuh uh. All she needs to do is get stronger to go home, that's all. But, will dad care for her once she gets there?
This situation requires you and your sister have a sit down talk with dad. Leave OUT the girlfriend and the sapphire necklace, otherwise you'll lose him right off the bat. Men think with their small head, and you need the putz to think with his large head right now. What's the LONG TERM PLAN for mom, dad? Only THEN can you possibly interject with your own ideas for her care. Dementia, mental illness, and things of that nature do not improve with time no matter HOW much physical therapy a person has. Her Sundowning may improve once she's back home, but that's not a guarantee either.
There just are no cut and dried answers for brain issues, unfortunately. Or cures, either. I have had a central nervous system/brain disorder since Feb that no doctors or neurologists could advise me on. When or even IF the intense dizziness, vertigo and loud ringing in my ears/hearing loss would subside. Not every medical issue has a pill or a fix that we humans are used to getting.
What you want for mom is proper care once she gets home, or for her to be placed in a managed care residence that's clean and well run. They are very expensive and Medicare does not pay for them. Medicaid is an option if she qualifies, which is part of the discussion with dad about what comes next for mom.
As disgusted as you are by his philandering behavior, which I agree with you on, just ignore it for now bc it's not germain to moms CARE moving forward. That's all you need to be concerned about, and how you and sister can help dad with this load. If you approach him that way, he may see a bigger opportunity for HIMSELF in your offering of help. Get my gist? Appeal to the selfish pig in him.
Best of luck to you
If I were in your situation, I would offer him an out - if you can. Your mother doesn't need a man that is so concerned with attention from other women that he is not focused on her care. I would not look the other way, and as long as your mother needs care and you aren't comfortable that he is focused on her, his activities are your business.
I wish you well.
Thank you for letting us know that your sister suffers mental illness and for all intent and purpose cannot interact with Mom and Dad regarding Mom's care.
A crucial question here that has been asked several times is HOW LONG HAS MOM HAD DEMENTIA? She is only 68. Has she got early onset Alzheimer's by diagnosis? You observe that her sepsis has exacerbated her underlying dementia. Do you think she will be placed in care? Do you KNOW what your father's plan is? Will he allow you to be involved in discharge planning?
You say "It has been a long time" since you saw or participated in Mom's care.
Apparently you live far away?
I agree with those who say that without a family leave and BEING there, this is something you cannot address. If you have no POA you cannot even really know what is going on other than what you get from your father.
I am completely uninterested in your father's outside extracurricular romance activities unless you feel he is ALSO demented and in the throes of scam phishing schemes.
I think without any help you are basically helpless here. You don't live where Mom and Dad do and Dad is in charge of Mom and her health care, and sister is at best a very unreliable reporter and can do nothing to help in this.
Without a serious mental leave and a talk with your father there is little you can even KNOW about all this.
I agree with others that it is under NO CIRCUMSTANCES to be reported to your mother now about your suspicions regarding your father's activities, which honestly you don't really know a thing about.
Sounds like this is a mess and my heart goes out to you, but you are very very unlikely to wrest control of your mother's health care from her husband. Best way in to help manage Mom is through the lion at the gate, your father. Leave any ideas re his romantic life out of this; it is in comparison to everything else of almost zero import.
I will assume you do not hold POA for Mom. What you may want to do is consult with an Elder Lawyer to see if marital assets can be split. This way Mom will have funds for her future care.
As Burnt said Mom will not get better. Her Dementia will progress. Having a nice place to live and activities to keep her involved may help in slowing the progression, but it will progress. Every time she is hospitalized and goes to Rehab, you will see a further decline. If Dad no longer wants to care for her at home, if in Rehab, this is the time to have her placed. Dad is responsible for the cost of her care. There is no Medicaid until assets are split or Dad spends all their assets. To keep his half of the money, he needs to have assets split, see an Elder lawyer to do it. When Moms split is gone, then Medicaid is applied for.
Speak to an elder law attorney to get some advice on this.
Wishing you good luck.
This is financial abuse of an elder.
See an attorney to protect your mother's assets.
Clearly the father does not want to be around his wife anymore. This is not unusual or rare. So what if he bought his side chick a thousand dollar necklace. Like I said in the comments, that's one day in a rehab facility.
The OP and her sister should sit down with him and talk. They should bring it out into the light that they know about his girlfriend and will be minding their own business as far as that's concerned. Their mother's care and health is the priority to them. He'll probably come around and let them be more active in the mother's care if he feels reassured that they don't think he's the "bad guy" because he's got a mistress.
Your answers to us gives us SOOOO much more information:
1. Your Mom's illness has been ongoing.
2. Your sister is mentally ill and cannot participate in much of this.
3. You live state and states away, have been ill yourself, and have two kids; you are unable to "be there" where Mom and Dad are.
4. Dad has been abusive by history at least to you (whether to Mom or not I am not certain).
5. Your mom has dementia
6. Your Dad is in charge of Mom's care
7. You Dad already saw an attorney and got division of assets to the extent your Mom is already on Medicaid.
Given all those things, there is almost nothing you can do.
You cannot be there for your Mom as you don't live there.
Your Mom cannot leave as she has dementia and your father is either POA or guardian of her; and no child is likely to wrest that from him.
Your Mom's care will be via facilities accepting medicaid and may be minimally good.
I can only ask that you take heart that your mom, when she was well, never left your Dad. Whatever her reasons, she stayed with him.
And now she is unable to leave.
I wish I had better news, but short of a guardianship fight over your mom that you would be unlikely to win you are helpless in this. That would cost you in the 10s of 1,000s of dollars and you would not recover that money unless you won (which is unlikely).
This is/was a marriage. You won't be able to change anything. The best you can do now is to attempt to support your Mom and that's my honest opinion. For what time she has left attempt short visits to her when and how you can. Write her. Be supportive as you can to Dad because as I earlier told you, he is the lion at the gate, meaning your access to HER is dependent on him.
I am terribly sorry for what you are witnessing. In all of this sadness the affair is, to be frank the very most meaningless part of all this.
Being so far away there is no reason for you to stand witness to this affair.
Be certain your Mom is shielded from ANY knowledge to the best of your ability.
My heart goes out to you. This is sad. Looking at what must have been the history of your mom with this man, it may have been sad for many many years.
You suffer at witnessing this, I know. Get help for yourself. This is a tragedy. Not everything can be fixed.
I feel sorry for our OP who is standing witness to this with not much hope other than to be allowed to see her mom and comfort her in all this. I understand that it's likely that Mom has created the bed she is upon, but still, this has to be heartbreaking for the daughter. To me the affair is nothing. Mom doesn't even know about it. But the fact he did the asset manipulation is awful.
Does dad think that he can fritter away money for mistress girlfriends while expecting the op and other siblings to be there for him later?