Janny61 Asked January 2018
Daughter, husband and 2 kids, 4 and 15 mo, (and she's preggers) want to move in with dad to help their financial situation. What are the pitfalls?
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Dad is 88 with dementia and an alcoholic (controlled amount by caregiver). He has a BIG house. 3bed/3bath. Huge livingroom, kitchen, lots of space. House on an acre in the country where the kids could play. But daughter and hubby are having problems; marital and financial. Looking to take the pressure off. Dad says they can live there for free. He's lonely and wants company. Probably afraid to be alone at night too. I think it's a bad idea all around. The memory issues, the no bathing, the addiction to alcohol (he doesn't drive anymore) but is always asking someone to get it for him. What are the pitfalls you can think of?
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My concern is all the people in the house.... Dad, his daughter, her husband, their 2 children, another child on the way, and the caregiver. Would the caregiver continue on, or would she be let go? Children will make noise, no two ways about it, plus soon a baby crying. Dad having dementia it would concern me that it would be too much commotion.
I can see later down the road, Dad paying groceries for 6 people. Plus much higher utilities bills, water bill unless the house is on a well, and then that would concern me if the house had septic, is the septic built for 6 people? One can have 3 bathrooms but the septic is only good for 4 people.
I too worry about all the commotion. One good thing we lived there for 8 years so daughter has friends that she could go visit to get away and give everyone a break.
My niece lived with dad years ago and her son was a VERY picky eater and dad and her used to get into arguments about his eating dinner. My daughter's 4yr old is a picky eater too and I can see the same thing happening. AND I get frustrated with dad reading the same newspaper article 10 times after breakfast and answering the same questions so I know it would frustrate her too especially since her sons will be wanting her attention too. I'm also concerned about dad memory. Would he ever "get used" to them being there? Remember that they are living there now? This disease progressing downward I don't want anyone getting hurt. If I had to guess I'd say dad's in stage 4/5. Dad has a neurological review coming up so that will tell me more.
The bad thing about dementia is the patient can be sweet and friendly but suddenly get belligerent. That would scare the children and should scare the adults.
Finally your dad’s obsession with alcohol.
That’s the worst idea I’ve heard lately, you and your young family move in with an unpredictable elderly man.
First of all the couple have financial and marital problems as well as 2 children and one on the way. Mix that in with the demented alcoholic and you have a very explosive situation. The additional burden of an extra child will further stress the couple's financial and marital woes.
Grandad's dementia will get worse and he will require more care and likely be more sensitive to the commotion of a family around him. He will get more confused and less predictable. This is a bad environment for children. as well as for the troubled, overburdened couple.
The two situations should be separated. Look into more care/activities for dad if he is lonely, and help the couple get financial and marital counseling and possibly other assistance (e.g. some respite from child care) for the young couple/mother.
I think it is a terrible idea and bound for failure and more stress for everyone concerned. Have the couple read about dementia and what lies ahead for grandpa. Be sure everyone is informed about medicaid before they make a decision.
Whenever a young couple has financial issues, it is not unusual for Grandparents to start writing checks or handing over money to their Grandchild to help them. That would really throw up a lot of red flags if your Dad needs to apply for Medicaid. Getting older is quite costly, I know it was an eye opener for me.
When my Mom went into long-term-care, it was $12k per month, yes per month, or $144,000 per year. Prices can vary from area to area.
So your Dad lives currently alone but with a caregiver (who's that?) who goes in, what, every day?
And you live some distance away, with your own 19 year old son?
And so the daughter is, what, your daughter? And she and her husband, with two young children and a third on the way, are looking for a refuge; and have come up with the idea that they move in with your father, who has two bedrooms to spare, take care of him and sort themselves out?
But they are already having difficulties. And two bedrooms for a family of soon to be five is not so very much space. And then they would have your father's dementia to deal with; plus there's the question of whether daughter and husband can be relied on to stick to the alcohol ground rules you've been trying to maintain - can they, realistically? Do they understand the issues, even?
A house in the country on an acre of land sounds lovely. But what about transport, health care, schools, access to jobs and social services? Sometimes you need more than birdsong and fresh air to sustain a good quality of life.
I should think all this must be almost impossible for you to get a grip on at a distance, and without formal legal authority. How far has Daughter got with this plan? Is she talking just to you about it, or just to your dad, or both?