Can a daughter take her parents out of assisted living or memory care anytime she wants?
My dad is in a memory care unit, mom is in assisted living. Both have Alzheimer's needing different levels of care. Both are/were happy, comfortable where they are although they would like to be together. Six months ago they were living in their own house with limited home care services because dad would not allow additional help. Mom was placed in Assisted living due to a fall, but no major injury. Dad couldn't care for her. Three months later, Dad was placed in a Memory care unit due to wandering and needing hygiene assistance. I have 5 siblings. All were on board for mom's placement. Unfortunately, when dad needed more care, there were no facilities available that could care for both of them. So we found a complex that has them across a driveway from each other and mom can visit dad daily, if she wants. The problem is one sibling(#3) is going rogue and taking them out of their facilities frequently (3 times a week) for hours on end. They have not asked to be taken out and are tired out from the activity. They were never that active before. #3 has been telling them both that once dad's foot clears up (it is infected, but he refuses medication), they can be moved in together in the assisted living facility. This week #3 took dad to tour another facility. Now she wants me to fill out a financial form for that facility. She thinks that dad is healthier now and will pass an evaluation for an assisted living facility rather than a memory care unit. She doesn't understand that the Alzheimer's diagnosis will not go away. I am Heath care Proxy and POA. My brother (#5) is also POA and second on the Health care Proxy. He is getting sucked into her lies. She asked him to get the tenant agreement from their current location but didn't tell him it was to fill out an application. I have been paying their bills for the last 4 years. He has had nothing to do with it and wants nothing to do with the financial piece. #3 has secretly taken dad to the bank twice to withdraw money. It was a small amount, but I do not trust her. I moved the money. Two other sisters #2 and #6 have been doing an outstanding job caring for our parents for the last two years getting them to dr appts and grocery store, doing their laundry, cleaning. They are the closest in physical proximity to the parents. I live 5 hours away, and visit monthly. #3 has cut off almost all communication with the rest of the family and is doing whatever she wants with our parents. Can I do anything to stop #3 from tearing our family apart and upsetting my parents by giving them false hope and using them as pawns? Can I prevent her from taking them to the doctor for an evaluation?
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Difficult.
Perhaps the first thing to do, as a blood pressure reduction exercise for yourself, would be to recognise that #3 believes that she is restoring your parents to one another. And if only all things were equal, that would be a desirable objective.
But they're not equal, as you correctly recognise. And you need to get her to understand complexities that appear to have passed her by.
Do her the courtesy of looking closely at her proposal with an open mind. Perhaps call and speak to the director of the facility she's approached, and see if the truer picture of your parents' prognoses and care plans actually could be a good fit here - as might be if it offers genuine continuing care - or not.
Let's assume not, and let's assume it is confirmed that the current facility is the best available compromise, allowing your parents to see one another regularly and spend as much time together as possible.
You then need to enlighten #3 about the facts of your parents' abilities and stamina and the likely progression of their health difficulties. Unfortunately, it's very difficult to retrieve a situation where trust has broken down. Is there a manager or a health care professional you could ask to talk to her?
BUT it seems like a 'family council' is in order. One that allows everyone to have their say and make their suggestions in an open forum. Family dynamics differ so who knows what is going on. Perhaps #3 is disturbed at the separation, etc. But l agree with CM, get the feelings and concerns out in the open. Long after your parents are gone, you and your sibs will still be family. Frankly, I would have been happy to have ANYONE visit and take my Mom on a field trip. When my out of state sister visited, we took her out for ice cream adventures and she loved it. But the entire adventure was about 90 minutes.
And there's no telling quite how knackered she got at home while he was saying they didn't need any more help. She's due a nice sit down and a bit of pampering, isn't she.
I hope the penny begins to drop with your sister. It'll be easier, and she'll take to it better, if you let her quietly work out for herself that things will not be getting back to normal no matter how hard anyone tries.
This must have been a rough patch for all of you. I really hope things settle down now without too much more, um, "only trying to help" from #3.
Perhaps #3 taking the parents to the bank was a trial run to see what she could get away with. You were absolutely right to move their money. Do they have a substantial amount by the way? I always say "Follow the money" when a question like this comes up. You have financial POA so you can use that to prevent them being moved. Go with what will make Mom happiest.
I am hesitant to take action against either #3 or #5 for fear of making it worse but this has to stop! I am so frustrated. Any suggestions?
Remind brother with finance POA that appropriation of your parents' assets for personal use is theft. And if it is carried out by the person with POA it is also an abuse of a position of trust - I believe, from wider reading here, that in the States it's a breach of fiduciary duty? POA Bro may wish to change the locks on your parents' house and be very selective about who gets new keys. And I'm sure he plans to place the proceeds of the sales in your parents' account in due course, hem-hem.
Mentally unwell... Yes, probably. But all I mean by that is that, in these circumstances of extreme stress exacerbated by conflict I think we can all go a bit loopy, and start demonising one another, and behaving like we're the victims in Enemy of the State or something. Do you think she could have imagined herself trying to tiptoe round security cameras before now? I know I couldn't have imagined having to struggle as hard as I did not to assault my SIL violently (it really was touch and go - for two pins...).
I don't suppose you could bring yourself to go and see her, and just talk? It depends what your relationship was like before; but if it was even halfway decent and normal, do you think a proper, private conversation could reboot it?
Why did she want to muck about with the dental appointment?
I just think #3 is spiteful and struggling with acceptance with the diagnosis of our parents.
I hope to go visit and have a meeting/conversation with her at the end of this month. I am trying to be patient as we know that she struggles intellectually. Thanks for your advice.