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My husband became violent and also would wonder the house all night having imagining that people were in the house. He continued to drive which had me and my family terrified he would have a fatal accident. Most recently he is in a wonderful memory care facility, it is small, personal, and he receives constant attention and care. Me heartbreak is he keeps asking when can he come home and I do not know how to answer other than saying "you need care and they care for you here...etc" He has demonstrated anger at me and my daughter yet the caregivers say he is fine after we leave. They have recommended we limit our visits until he adjusts yet I feel horrible not visiting him for days. Please help or advise me how to deal with this heartbreak.

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You did the absolute best by finding a wonderful care facility for him as well as keeping him at home as long as possible.
Many spouses are ridden with the type of guilt you are experiencing. A few sessions with a therapist or social worker might help you. Check to seek if there are groups in your area for spouses/families who are in the same situation. Group members can be of tremendous support to you and your daughter.
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Rosebudann,

Amazingly, dementia patients can be very selective with their conversation and demeanor, depending on who they talk to. You would think that given their compromised cognition, they wouldn't be able to ; but some can and do! I wrestle with a similar issue with every contact I have with my mother, who is also in memory care. She hates it there and demands to go back to her old house (currently on the market to help finance her upkeep) or wants to go to assisted living, which offers more freedom than Mom can manage. All the explanations in the world don't help. She tells me how miserable she is, she has no one to talk to, blah, blah, blah, but the excellent staff at memory care assure me she is always laughing and talking to the other residents (!!!) Go figure. The truth of it is, my Mom will be miserable no matter where she is. You have done the very best you can for your husband. I would suggest you stow your guilt away for good and follow the suggestion of your husband's memory care staff and refrain from visiting for awhile. It may very well help him adjust to his new situation. In my Mom's case, it didn't; but it has worked for others and may work for you. No matter what, please know that you are not alone with this heartache.
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They always take it out on the caregiver. You made a wise decision. He will adjust but probably will ask to go home occasionally. I tell Mom that this is where she lives now.
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Many places recommend that you stay away for the first month.

I did that with my mom. She adjusted.

There is a lot in this chapter of life that requires great strength and resolve. It becomes the new normal and is in the best interest of everyone.
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AmberA is right. My mom also works on me about coming "home" which is my home where we tried twice without success. The staff at AL tells me she is happy and interacts well with other residents. But to me she is miserable and complains bitterly about being there. It will take time, don't let him get to you.
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My Mama is 83 and broke her pelvis in 2 places and now we have the firm Alzheimer's diagnosis. She has been in the hospital and a rest home and to a behavioral elder hospital and back to a new rest home for skilled nursing. She seems to talk and smile and be nice to everyone now. But no matter what....when I come to visit she says she ready to go home. She can't remember that she can't walk yet. I know this is heartbreaking! After a 3 weeks I am only visiting every 3 days. Sometimes even miss 4 days. It really is better if you don't go there so often. They tried to tell me that but I'm the only daughter that lives here and she lived in her own home but I was always on call for her so I'm chief caregiver. I read all this advise on here before but until I really tried it I did not understand that it works to stay away a bit! I still wake up every morning thinking DANG! Mommy's in a rest home. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! She has had dementia for 5 years and cannot drive or remember to take medication ever. Sending all caregivers love.
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Great comments here. As to the question: "When will I go home?" consider for an answer: "When you are well. You still need to heal." He will eventually go home. This home is the home of spirit, the home for all of us when we transition out of Earth to Heaven or a higher realm, depending on your belief system.
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Take the time away from him to recalibrate your own emotions, get some rest and establish some changes in your activities. His needs are being cared for and you need to reconsider what your needs truly are at this point.
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I would just say "When you are well" or "When the doctor clears you." I have my husband in day care. Honestly, when he's here he wants to go there and when he's there he wants to come here. I don't think they even know where home is anymore, unless as someone suggested, home is with their friends and loved ones in that final resting place.
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I think it is normal for even 45 days wait period when adjusting to a new residence regarding assisted living with memory care, i.e. new bed, new room, new people, new eating and sleeping schedule. Visits aren't the priority at first. Assessment serves the staff and the new resident to evaluate what is needed and what is not, on a case by case basis. Plus, it is easier to wait, and then get a really solid summation, that helps the family
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It is now time for you to take care of you !!! Rest, reconnect with friends, join a support group (if you haven't already). Attend the aupport group and reach out. Make an agreement with yourself to call at least one person a day and to go somewhere if only out for a walk! It can be really difficult to restructure our life's. But this is his new home and he is working on the same things for himself that you need to work on for you. As so many have posted, it takes time and each individual is different! You have done. Wonderful job, but you need to be safe and so do others ! Loving someone from a distance for awhile is a gift to everyone , you regain perspective and he adjusts to this phase of his life. (((HUGS)))
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I tell mom that she is there for physio - then give her the squeezy ball into right hand which has arthritis asking how her exercises are - she squeezes about 3 time then forgets - the 'prop' helps as her memory is as long as a gnat eyelash - she also has brace on right foot so I sometimes point to it, saying when your walking is better & she looks at it -

Both seem to re-inforce what I'm telling her - I try not to be unkind by reminding her that she is there forever - a few white lies/slants on what you say helps both of you
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As usual, everyone here gives wonderful advice. Every person who has a relative with dementia has a different experience with it. It's very difficult for anyone to make the decision to institutionalize a loved one. I've never read anyone who said "I can't WAIT! to put my ---in a nursing home!" It's an adjustment period for everyone. I spent lots of time at the home my mom was in with the Director of Nursing , my mom's caregivers and even a few residents who were coherent. If your husband becomes upset when you visit, then you are getting good advice. It can be difficult on him when you leave and he realizes he isn't. My mother had her combative periods where she would attack us with her fingernails, try to trip us and punch or hit her roommates. For everyone's safety, it was better we stayed away. The whole process of accepting that someone you love in not the same as before is difficult. Your life has changed, too, but sometimes it seems like everyone else's attention is on your relative. Take care of yourself during this period of adjustment. Don't hurry to make major changes, such as traveling, joining clubs, volunteering, etc. take time to accept that your life is different now, but not necessarily unendingly miserable. As he adjusts, the staff will let you know that they feel you could extend your visits. Good luck to you and God bless
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I suggest you plan your visits and stay for a set time, such as 20 or 30 minutes...Take something different each time: for example:
+ bring some old photos from over the years...show him and ask him who this person or that one is, because "you don't remember."
+Take a magazine that centers on a hobby of his from the past: Hunting, fishing, gun collecting, whatever...Select in advance an article that you think he might be interested in...Have a some questions and comments prepared to discuss with him.
+ When he talks (or yells) about going home, do not argue...Have set routine of comments to say.

The gist of what is behind my comments is simply that the nursing staff says he is doing well. You are doing well too if you accept that nothing is going to change his behavior in your presence..Therefore, plan your visits and time them and be grateful that YOU have the capability to realize that although you can't and never will change him, you can, with difficulty, stay calm and learn to accept the way he is.

"We can act our way into right thinking before we can think our way into right acting.."

Grace + Peace,
Bob
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Been in your shoes. Things that helped: When the doctor says you are ready I'll bring you home. Today lets play cards or look at a photo album, or take a walk around the grounds or whatever would change the subject in a positive way.

Secondly I went on a cruise vacation - too far away to visit every day so I spent the time regaining my own strength and health without feeling guilty. And come back better able to cope.
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My advice to you is to see your mother as often as YOU feel you need to visit her. It's very convenient for the nursing home to tell you to stay home. Many nursing homes do not tell family about everything that happens on a daily basis. Do not put 100% trust in any nursing home....I don't mean to worry you. But, that's my best advice. My Mom is gone now. So, my days of caregiving are over. I was always happy that I was there to advocate for her. And I always had gréât peace of mind when I knew that everything was okay. I also saw how many résidents did not get consistent care when their families rarely visited. Think this over. And trust your intuition. You know your mother better than anyone else. (I know that I referred to "mother" but I would give the same advice to anyone who has any member of their family in nursing home care:  mom, dad, husband, wife, etc.)
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.... not ok with the "leave them here and don't visit for a while" technique ... Yes all facilities, and even several councelors will tell you to stay away that it's the adjustment period.. well, to do so is not for the balanced mental stability of the elder, because they are not a child who will grow and mature into the higher understanding of parent child independence during summer camp, and they are not a pet  ... They are a human adult, once independent, proud and free to act of self choice and decision who are now being completely uprooted to different surroundings and being surrounded by strangers, ultimately being stripped of all choice. Straight fact; Leaving them there and not returning for a length of time, no matter what anyone tells you causes abandonment emotion/reaction. Depending on dementia/ Alzheimer's level, they will go thru the abandonment period in their mind (because if you stay away they literally have been abandoned by the trusted source) in which their survival Instinct kicks in, so they now reach out to the nearest person/s seeking help (which is what the facility wants) .... or they enter a deep depression and retreat to their mind inwardly. The facility wants the resident to think they are now "family, the "trusted source" not for the betterment of the person, rather for the ease of work Level and compliance of the resident, and daily mistakes and resident neglect go unnoticed . ... So if you are not going to visit him regularly then stay away, but if you are going to visit him often and regularly and you are going to remain involved in his care and we'll being, then I highly suggest you do not stay away. And do tell him " I know you feel this way, and yes you can go home when the doctors feel you're ready, but for now we have to try to feel good here to make your life safer while you get stronger sweetheart.. "

I am a full time care giver and POA for my mother and she has been in and out of facilities over the last 3 years, of-which I have removed her from 2 for her safety.  Each time Creating a very difficult situation for myself by placing myself in serious financial harm in doing so, yet having to make the decisions to keep her safe when times call for such. 

So yes,  I "get"  the take care of myself first attitude, but I am not closing my eyes to the truths simply to live my life free of the burden, and that decision in itself is a burden, but an honest one. 
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You need piece of mind. You need to know that he's OK.

This is NOT cheap, but I would strongly consider hiring a private Elder Care Coordinator. I've used one. This is either a geriatric social worker or (in my case) a very experienced nurse. You'll meet with the care coordinator (they're usually, but not always women) and discuss your husband's care. The care coordinator's job is to make sure that the memory care home takes good care of your husband. If after the first meeting, you decide to continue using the care coordinator, she will go to visit your husband. You'll want whoever holds his POA to sign a release of medical information, so that she can look at the facilities notes. One of the things she will do is make sure that he is getting the *right* level of care, that you're not being charged for 'extras' that he doesn't need yet, or suggest services that might be beneficial. A good care coordinator will be a strong advocate for your husband and have his best interests in mind--no divided loyalties. A good care coordinator can help you deal with the question when, and for how long, should you visit your husband as well as help both of you deal with this major transition. This is not cheap, but when it comes to your piece of mind and knowing that your husband is safe and OK, it's money well spent.
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He will adjust. My husband has Alzheimer's and when I put him in a memory care facility I was told to stay away for six weeks. That was hard to do but now he is a very well-adjusted person. Don't despair let God be your guide.
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If you've ever left a child at day care while they scream inconsolable and then a few minutes later listened at the door while they happily joined in with their peers you know that it's entirely possible that only the site of your loving face reminds them that they aren't at home.
However until such time as you can have complete confidence in the facility you will doubt yourself. My limited knowledge of these facilities is to spend time there BEFORE you place your loved one. But that's not where you are now. He's already there. I guess I would still say go to the facility and sit in the day room where you can see others come in for tv. Go to a craft event or walk on the grounds. Eat in the dining room. Be there and see what he will see. Hear what he will hear. I think the only way you can feel at peace is to be at peace. Know that you have made the only choice you could make given the circumstances and his nature. You describe a willful person who knew you and your daughter would obey him. His best judgment isn't appropriate for this stage of his life. Yours is. So trust yourself that you have made the right choice and allow him to adjust. Otherwise it sounds like you will have him upset. Change is hard but necessary.
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For four years I listened to my mother tell me that "she should have never come here" after selling her house and moving into mine. She was not happy.

When she was no longer safe alone, and I have a full time job outside my home, I found a wonderful full care facility where she can age in place and stay. She has a full apartment, activities, caring attentive staff, friends. . . heck I would like to live there, and I tell her that whenever she gets snotty and says "well, how would YOU like to be here?", I tell her I picked it because someday I hope to be able to afford to live there.

At any rate, I only go once a week, for about an hour, maybe two, and when the inevitable question of "when can I come home" pops up, I simply tell her that she can come home when I retire in 10 years (and it's going to be ten years every day), that she is not safe alone in my house. And then I change the subject.

The staff tells me she is doing well during the week, making friends, getting involved in some activities, even though she complains to me how "beneath her" it is to play Bingo or watch old movies. Because she doesn't want ME to know that she is actually doing well there. And I'm okay with that. I'm okay with being the cause of her misery. Because I know she is well cared for, better than I was doing here at my house. She has been there going on six months. Yesterday I took her to see a play and she had a wonderful time, and didn't complain much at all.
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Why don't you you say 'soon', or even next week? It is not lying to your husband, he won't remember you said that to him. If he does say, 'you said... say you need to check it out with the staff and make sure sure they are Ok about it. Remember little white fairy stories are what keep residents in a dementia unit happy, I work in one.
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Rose, take extra good care of yourself during this adjustment period. It takes time.

If mom or dad ask anything, I always say, "Great question, let's ask the doctor!"
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'Home' can mean anywhere, not necessarily the house he had last lived in. It could be a childhood home or a grandmother's home. And even if you DID bring him 'home', he would look around at some point utterly lost, not knowing where he was! So give it time. As others said, he needs time to adjust, feel comfortable where he is, and join in on whatever activities are going on. (My mother was pretty much out of it when she went into a nursing home, but the two years she was there, she adjusted very well . I think we were both pretty lucky in that. I say that because there were people much, much worse off than she was. The kind hollering at the top of their lungs 'I wanna go home!! Help help help! I wanna go home!! Help help help!' over and over - their brains were just about mush at that point. Even if they did go home, they would have yelled there, too.)
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The caregiver always gets treated like the proverbial "chopped liver." Of course it is best for him to remain where he is. Perhaps eventually you can start to visit.
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.... rose bud Ann ... I am requesting you respond to these comments that have been written in response to your post so we know you're not just a hired blogger for this site, or for a facility, or for an elder care industry research co, etc.   I request you respond because your profile appears generic and blank and because of your comment; "He is in a wonderful memory care facility where he receives constant attention and care.." ... both your profile and that statement, raises flags. 
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I would suggest you continue your visits, but instead of letting the pleas for coming home make you feel guilty, use them to get him talking about the past. Divert his attention if you can & affirm his desire to be home. We all know how any of us would rather be in our home, so just affirm that you understand & are sorry, but are making decision based on your love for him. You are there for him every step of the way. Talk about old times & homes & memories that he can remember & see if he will engage in conversation at all. I'm placing my Mom in assisted living the end of this month & I will facing some of the same issues. If you can get hold of the videos of Teepa Snow on YouTube, she is great to give you encouragement & helps. Blessings on you!
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I hope that she found some support from all the responses above. Perhaps, she got busy and was not able to come back and respond in the last 4 days. It's perplexing to me when this happens, though.
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I don't know if you ever get over the heartbreak. I placed my mom in a facility last August, I still feel guilty. I cannot imagine how much harder with a spouse. What I would recommend. Don't visit for awhile; it will help him adjust. If he doesn't have any concept of time; he will not know how long you have been absent and it will bother you more than it bothers him. My mom had no concept of time.

I waited 1 month before I visited her and I am pretty sure I did the right thing. She had no memory of living with me for 2 years; it became her new normal and in her mind it was her apartment. Not sure how it will work for your husband, but hopefully he will adjust to his new environment.

Take this time to do something for yourself. Go on a vacation, visit friends or family - or so something you have been wanting to do for a long time. I think once one is a care giver; it is hard to turn it off and have a "new normal" life. Think of this as a much needed respite for you and go enjoy yourself. I am sure you deserve it.

During this time you can still call staff and see how he is progressing; that will help you. My mom's facility has a Facebook page and a site for family members to log into where activities and photos are posted. That also helps me, it assures me she is okay. Check to see if they have anything like that.

As for the heart break; it never goes away. Sorry. Every time I pull into the facility where my mom is, I feel sad - its the nature of disease.
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