I have Metastatic cancer, now in remission for now and a host of serious health challenges. I am the youngest of 4. The two oldest siblings have not visited our mother in years and years since they no longer need her to babysit their children. One never, ever calls. One helps on occasion but only when I ask, never offers. I have asked for help and it falls on deaf ears. I love my mom and know that she may have to go to a nursing home. But since I am the only child that shows her love, I don't also want to be the one to reject her. I have been the one that she can always count on. I honestly want to shame my siblings by telling everyone that is important to them how horribly narcissistic and cruel they are. But that is not my style. I do not in any way regret caring for my mother. It is an honor. But the rage at my siblings is actually destructive to my health. I chose to do this and they did not ask me to. But what kind of people are they to not care in the least? My doctors shake their heads at their level of selfishness. Some have suggested that my siblings at least offer money as I am no longer working. I am the poorest of all my siblings. Sigh. Never even an offer of that. And what is the worst is that my siblings have never once thanked my husband who has sacrificed his privacy, his special time with his ill wife to care for our mother.We care for her 24/7 with only one night off once per year in the summer when my husband is on vacation. One one night. I chose to love my mom and have a committed to that. But my relationship with my siblings will never be repaired. I am so heartbroken at their level of selfishness and narcissism. I feel utterly abandoned.
It sounds like continued energy and effort towards your siblings is a waste. I might seek counseling to learn to let the anger and pain go. Allowing this pain to continue can't be good for you and it's not hurting them at all. They are going about their day and they are not likely to change. I'd try to let it go and take measures to ensure it does. Sometimes venting is a relief. I get that.
What has happened in your family is extremely common. I read about it here and I see it in my daily life. One adult child does it all and the other siblings seem to be oblivious to the needs. It seems to be universal.
I will suggest that your siblings may harbor resentment against your mom that you don't understand. Yes, your mom did the best she could years ago, but I can understand harboring resentment towards my mom if she allowed me to be raised in the home of a using alcoholic. That involves a lot of fear, insecurity and instability in the life of a child. It can create long standing issues and maybe they have never really dealt with it. Growing up in an alcoholic home can cause dysfunction. I'm just speculating, but I might try to get into their mindset.
I'm frustrated, because in my state of NC, Assisted Living is available to those seniors who have low income and need daily assistance. Lack of funds does not prevent care. Have you looked into what may be available to your mother? Is she considered disabled due to her eye condition? Perhaps, there are services she may qualify before she needs a nursing home.
I do wish you continued improvement with your health. I think this site offers much support and encouragement. Please let us know how things are going with you and your mom.
Sounds to me like mom is independent enough to go out for a meal and movie either at night or on the weekend.
That's wonderful that your husband is a very spiritual man, but like you say he is human, and as a human who is married to another human in that situation is very humanly draining no matter how spiritual one is for even what appears to be the non non spiritual side or marriage is in itself spiritual.
BTW, even Jesus lost his patience at times and he's the son of God. 20 years of perspective is a lot of perspective. This might be hard to hear and likely not what he would say directly, but he would likely like to have his wife back and feel more like a couple. He's likely got some fear about your cancer and would like to be as close to you as he can. Emotional, spiritual, and intellectual intimacy is not something that can be stored in the freezer and then put in the microwave to restore. It's either built up or torn down over time. The journey back up is about like dating all over again and that is what it takes. I hope one day that you and your husband can date once again.
I would for sure let go of the poison over the relatives that you have been drinking almost to the point of becoming a poisonolic. I think you have far more heavier matters for you heart to deal with like your health, your marriage and your mom.
Stop drinking the poison, love the one your with and get mom the best help she can get without through others under the bus.
From your statement, "took it upon myself at age 4 to watch over her" it sounds like you took on the emotional role of seeing yourself somewhat as your parent's parent because that is what she needed and no one else was watching over her.
Your mom's doctor knows all of this plus your own health problems and thinks it's just fine that you're killing yourself plus your marriage has been impacted negatively and all the while doing 24/7 care of your mom? Where is there any compassion for the family of the patient in such a doctor? Sorry, but I don't see any.
Do your friends have the same level of health issues that you have with a parent as bad off as yours is plus experiencing a negative impact on their family? It may not be a comparison of apples to apples.
One thing that is available for your mom is medicaid and their are nursing homes that will take people and help you with the medicaid application. At 90 with no other health problems than the ones you mentioned, she could live a year or two.
My dad is 90 whose only health problem is Alzheimer's.
I'm sorry to hear that your health problems have contributed to hurting your marriage. That is very unfortunate and unfair. I have heard of some marriages where the two people are basically only roommates and that's it.
One of my concerns for you is I don't hear much concern of you for you. I assume you know this but that word "Metastatic" means the cancer has spread to other organs in your body and being in remission basically means it has stopped spreading which is great. It could revive at any time and the amount of stress that you are under does not help which you already know. If it revives and continues to metastasize, you want last too long and then what will happen to your mom's care?
Your siblings do not sound like they are ever going to change who they have evidently always been. Might as well come to peace with that fact and try to let go of drinking the bitterness and rage.
Ya'll have done an amazing job of taking care of your mom since she was 70 for the last 20 years. If it's always been this intense, I don't see how you made it this long.
Try to take care of you. Do something nice for yourself today.
Keep in touch.
Love, prayers and hugs!
You can still love and advocate for your mom if she's in a nursing home. And you can take time to care for and love YOURSELF and nurture your relationship with your husband. You do not have to save your mom. There is help available. It isn't coming from your siblings, but it is out there in the form of Medicaid. By placing your mom in a nursing home, you are not "rejecting" her. You are loving her and caring for her, while at the same time caring for YOURSELF, so that you will be around for years and years. At the current rate you're going, your rage will end your life before your mom's and where will she be then? You need to be around for the long haul. And that means getting some help.You deserve it.
Don't waste another moment in rage at your brothers. I've been there, done that and finally realized that my brother didn't even know (or care) that I was angry with him for not caring more about our mom. I've been her sole caregiver for 13 years and my dad for 9 of those years too. By brother has been virtually absent during that time. But my anger was hurting me and not bothering him in the least. Once I was able to let that go, I was a much, much happier person. I'm doing the right thing and he can live with himself and his choices. It's not my problem.
So hugs to you and please, please start caring for yourself (and your husband) as much as you care for your mother. Mom comes third in this priority list - behind you and your husband. Hugs to you.
Look - you are doing the right thing - you need to be proud and happy about what you are doing, not always sad and angry about what the others are not.
One comment that jumped right out at me as I read your post was, " but I may take her up on that offer so that my mom can "take care of" her little sister and that we can have a starting point for the next phase."
Your mom who has needed 24/7 care and may need to go to a nursing home which would rule out assisted living does not sound like she's in any condition to take care of her little sister. Now that is unrealistic, not to mention bringing another person needing care into your already overloaded household.
I still agree with others that counseling would help you a lot in unpacking some of your own baggage from the past and the present
Your husband sounds ;like an extremely nurturing man and patient man. Sorry, but a person who never complains once in their entire life sounds to me like an introvert who is swallowing their feelings and pressing on. I hope that is not what is happening with him.
Your casual way of saying that you've lost by bringing your mother into your house for you have not had the time to be a couple, sounds like a lot of buried emotions there also. Have ya'll declined as a couple to where your just room mates that live in the same bedroom? That's tragic and painful!
To put it plainly, you are not your mother's parent and honoring your spouse really comes before honoring your parent if you look back at your wedding vows.
This is so sad for it sounds like each of you have become so focused on her that you've not taken good care of yourselves individually or as a couple.
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