Afterall, I was the one who asked my MIL to read from the book of Ruth at our wedding - and i took an oath that his people would be my people...yada,yada,yada
how was I to know that a mere 2 years later we'd be living with his parents ( was supposed to be short term while his dad recovered from knee surgery- but it was apparent they needed help and since we were in a position to be mobile - it seemed like the right thing to do....)
My husband's mother is in a wheelchair and his dad was her primary caregiver for years. then last year he died and the job fell to me.
And it's a job I'm destined to fail - since no one can replace her husband who was absolutely devoted to her. He catered to her every whim - whereas I run a business from home and have neither the time - or the inclination - to spend my days anticipating what her needs might be...see, that's the rub. She hates to ask for anything - expecting you to anticipate what she'll need and when. Please tell me, what's wrong with just asking??
I've repeatedly asked her to just let me know what she needs - and let me point out that I always try and do what she requests, but it seems I'm only as good as the last thing i did for her - so i'm pretty much at the end of my rope!
My husband is totally supportive - tells me daily how much he appreciates what i do that allows his mother to stay in her own home and to continue her life pretty much uninterrupted - and i'm grateful for the support - but it no longer cuts it - I'm sick to death of dealing with this woman - i heard her tell someone on the phone she's 'lost her zest for life' - and all i could think was 'bullshit' - i hardly notice any change in her since her husband died. sure, she misses him - but honestly, i think it's more because of what he did for her than her love for him.
The real rub is that I just can't ship her off to a nursing home - or at least I'm not there yet - but I've got to find a way through this.
She told me once she knew I didn't love her...and she didn't understand why because all her DIL's loved her....
but then again - none of them ever had to take care of her...
I told her i was sorry I didn't love her - but i respected her and i love her son...that's all i got.
Don't know where this is going - my husband is working like crazy to make the money to hire someone to move in with her - but in the meantime, it's me and another girl who comes in every 3-4 days to help with shower.
Is there anyone who's taken care of your MIL that might have some advice?
I wish to preserve my marriage - so that means i have to be careful about the things I say to him about his mother - none of this he sees - she's really good at showing him her good side...even her bad side is hard to pin down, she's very manipulative - a knack she's seemed to have fined tuned from years in that chair.
My Gram used to tell me 'if you think you got it bad, just take a look around, you can always find someone in worse shape' - reading these posts I see she's right - my situation could be far worse - but still, I complain to cyperspace because i feel my head's going to explode and there's no one to talk to that I wouldn't worry about getting back to her - and despite all, I really want to do right by her - I'm just still trying to find balance.
A couple of questions come to mind, although really none of my business are:
1) Did you and your new husband talk about doing/making this move?
2) Did you talk to your husband about the present situation with his mother?
This caregiving really takes a toll on marriages after many years of being together, but being newly married, I can't even fathom with all the adjustments getting along just between the two of you. I think this is where the rubber meets the road in starting your marriage.... communication.
This is not going to be easy, but I would sit down and talk with your husband first. Do not build up any resentment because of undiscussed caregiving issues. I am an only child and my husband helps me because I have no one else. Now for my husband, when his mother got sick and passed away.... I was there, but I did not get involved in all the errands, hospital runs, etc because he had family to help. I told my husband one too many times during the course of my caregiving, I could not get that intense into it again. I would help as I could, but not all of it.
This is going to be a crucial time.... make sure you know what you are not or are capable of and talk about that with your husband. Maybe as its his mother help a bit more or talk about other options?