I have a husband of 47 years with FTD and recently went through Palliative Care to help find me the best LTC I can afford. Long story short, we found a phenomenal place 5 minutes from home which is top notch in every way. I moved him there this week and it was traumatic for all our family. I cried nonstop driving home and wondered if I should go back and bring him home.
Everyone I know from Canada, West Coast (I live on East Coast) texted or called to ask how it went and HOW AM I? I was a mess. I miss him so much.
I noticed my friend of 42 years across the street never contacted me nor texted. She loved my husband and we all were friends as couples. I called her (finally, like a jerk) and asked why I hadn’t heard from her and I’m all alone now etc. She said “oh was I supposed to call?” Huh??? So I told her about the ordeal and she listened and proceeded to tell me that if I had put him in a substandard facility she would have nothing to do with me again! I told her that that was not nice - not everyone can afford $15,000/month! Then she starts in on a neighbor who’s dying of leukemia and his wife is keeping him home with Hospice care. That’s hardly the same thing! OMG! I think - and have thought - she may be getting dementia herself. Her sister just passed away at 71 of LBD and both her parents had Alzheimer’s. She’s 79. I find her getting meaner and more judgmental of everything except her grandchildren. I am getting bad vibes and want to stay away for a while. She told me a month ago that I should do what I have to do because the situation here was getting impossible for just me alone. The doctors he has all agree he needs to be placed - SOON. I’m burned out and he’s deteriorating. I know now I made the correct decision. How do I handle this neighbor/friend? She seems unfazed by my emotional distress and I’m very hurt. I could always get good advice from her as she’s also a retired RN.
Something strange going on and I really don’t have time to give a 💩.
Sad thing is: I pulled into the facility where my husband is now and my thought was “oh I can’t wait to tell him this crap.” Yeah, that ship sailed- he’s in lala land. It was just a natural thing after 48 years together. My best friend. 😢. Last night I fell asleep watching TV and I was startled that he was laying in the couch. But he wasn’t……. Then I really cried. This is so awful.
Get on with putting your life back together.
You have made a difficult decision. Placing someone in Memory Care or Skilled Nursing is NOT an easy decision that is made overnight. People that have not had to do this don't get it.
Ignore her comments.
If you do resume a "cordial" relationship if she starts in simply say "I do not wish to discuss this with you" If she continues say "I did not realize the time, I have to go" or "you have to go, I have some calls to make"
If she still continues after theses not so subtle hints I think this friendship is done.
If she wishes to visit your husband if you hear ANYTHING from the staff or your husband that she is disruptive or upsets him prohibit visitation.
She put both her own parents in Skilled Care (Alzheimer’s) and she picked the place for her sister with LBD and asked me if I’d be interested in that place. She made a call and there were no beds - it’s really small and impossible to get in.
She knows what to say. I know her reasoning with myself as she tells everyone we know that I’m the strongest person she knows and blah blah blah. That’s probably why she’s not calling - she probably thinks I got this all under control plus she’s got some dementia going on. IMHO.
Did you seecan Elder Lawyer to have your assets split? Medicaid allows it. Dhs split going towards his care. When almost gone, you apply for Medicaid. Once on Medicaid, you become the Community spouse remaining in the home, having a car and all or part of your monthly income to live on. An Elder Lawyer can go into more detail.
We do not accept any judgement, some constructive criticism is OK.
I could be dealing with similar situation.
My husband with Parkinson’s deteriorating at terrifying speed lately and will perhaps be not mobile soon.
With all complexities of this disease either,
A. We go to AL to stay together, not good for me as I am too independent and healthy and not ready for 20 years. But, financially necessary to live in very good place.
B. If he deteriorates at this pace he will need as per his neurologist LTC. It is beyond my understanding to deal with such complex disease with so many symptoms and most caregivers don’t know it as well.
At this point regardless of what happens I am going to join some women’s groups around here, for hikes, walks, visiting galleries, coffees, lunches, travel, yoga and more.
I need to reinvent myself, re-invigorate my life away from illness.
And I know some friends will be gone.
So sorry for both of you regarding your husband’s rapidly changing condition .
I am sorry to say that your friendship with your neighbor across the street is over and you'd do well to accept it and stay away from her for two reasons.
1) She really isn't a true and good friend to you and probably never was. Just because you know a person for a long time and have socialized with them over the years, does not mean they're a good friend.
If your neighbor was a good friend, she would not be mean, judgmental and totally lacking empathy for a friend (you) having made one of the hardest decisions someone can ever make in their life, placing a loved one into LTC.
2) She has dementia and the behaviors that come with it. Villifying a person close to them is very common with dementia. So is nasty and judgmental behavior. What is likely to end up happening is if she's left alone at home by her family, is she will continue to villify you in her mind and probably also to anyone in the neighborhood who will listen to her. At the same time she will also become dependent on you because you're across the street and available and expect you to do for her. Her family will probaby encourage it because you're "friends" and live right there. DO NOT let this happen. I have seen this happen so many times.
Make yourself unavailable by ending your friendship with her. Wave hello when you get in your car if you see her and let that be the extent of your friendship with her. Don't call her and don't visit her.
She told me 2 months ago she was changing doctors because she hates the group and she couldn’t stand her doctor. I’ve been to him by error of the office when I was sick one time and agreed - he’s a jerk. Last week she said she went to him for regular check up and just “loves him”. HUH???? I said “you were asking me about names of other doctors just a month ago - I thought you hated doctor xyz?” Her answer? “I never said that - he is so caring”. Ok now I think I’M going nuts! Crazyville!
So, I just wanted you to get the whole picture in a short space. Bottom line is: I think she’s got dementia and her family will rally ‘round the wagons. That’s how they are. If she needs better help, they are very well off so no issues there. Their family will be there from beginning to end.
So, to agree with the others here: yes, the friendship is over. I’m not going to say “IT’S OVER!” to her. Over what? Because you never called me? Or, am I more disturbed she’d make a comment about never speaking to me if I had placed my husband in a substandard facility? It’s a little of both - mostly the last. How dare you judge someone on where they can afford to place their LO? It’s none of your damned business or YOU pay for it! I’m glad I could place my hubby in luxury. If not, then, I would get advice and go from there. He’s adjusting- they are fabulous - the chef thinks he’s great and made him steak and eggs for breakfast instead of Cheerios! My husband is so stuck in his ways - it’s Cheerios every.single.day! Ugh! So, that made him and me smile.
I would like to hear more what you know about “villifying”
with dementia. I have no experience with that.
‘Thanks again for your post.
The reason why I considered this is that when I was taking care of my father (he died in 2020), he had friends who kept undermining me at every turn (like giving him horrible medical advice) and believing his sob stories about how me and my sister were "killing him" and "putting him in prison" (he was a post-stroke diabetic). At the time, I was so angry, but then it turned out that one of the worst "meddlers" developed dementia that advanced so rapidly that he declined faster than my mother when she was diagnosed two years after he was. Other meddlers also took a turn for a worse physically and mentally. (They were all in their eighties.) I don't know if the others developed dementia but one of them ended up in a nursing home. Point being that yes, lack of empathy/understanding could be a sign of dementia.
Another thing, too, is that maybe, given her family medical history, she's projecting her feelings about putting someone into a facility onto you. In other words, she has been worrying about what would happen if she developed dementia, decided that the worst thing anyone could do is put her in a facility and is now judging you for it.
As for what to do with her, don't waste your time. You don't have the time to deal with people who are making your difficult life even more so. When my parents started getting worse, I blocked phone numbers from certain people who just didn't "get" it. There comes a time when you will have to do that.
I lost my best friend when I was in my 30s and married a much older man. She just couldn't understand this and told me I would not grow old with him. I pointed out I wasn't growing old with the first husband (who left us) who was more age appropriate. Want to guess who was a widow at 49? (Hint not me).
Then there was my husband who rekindled a friendship with a guy he went too HS with. The friend's wife ended up choosing assisted suicide when her health issues got to be too much. My husband could just not wrap his head around doing such a thing. I told him his opinion in this did not matter and all that mattered was that he was there for his friend...which he was.
Some people cannot fathom that the choice they would make for themselves is not the choice that is right for others. Sadly this friendship has come to a conclusion.
I do believe this is dementia. There’s too many red flags that are popping up from the last several years. No excuses on my part - just stating facts and what I remember.
Dementia slides in gradually, so gradually that it takes a long time for family who are not local to know there's a problem until she does something that's undeniable (like reckless driving, saying very inappropriate things, profound memory loss, getting lost in public, leaving pots on stoves that catch fire, etc).
My good friend's very physically youthful Mom (85) started losing her grasp on her technology (the smart phone contacts issue usuallly gets messed up early on -- I've seen this in several people at the start of their dementia) and then she got speeding tickets. They put a special tracker in her car that could record her location, speed and activity. They were dumbfounded to discover she was barreling down highways, making sudden unlawful u-turns in the middle of the roads and getting lost. But my friend only was able to get this proof because her Mom's neighbor gave them a heads up. She's in a facility now.
Just a thought... you have enough on your plate but it would be one last act of friendship since (if she does actually have dementia) she cannot help how her personality is changing.
You had good sound reasons why you made the decisions you did and your friend had no right to babe judgemental and cruel.
She us not supportive and cruel. She is no longer a friend.
Just a month ago, she tells you to "do what you have to do?" Wow.
My siblings were horrible when my husband was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer.
They were no moral support, and didn't attend his military funeral. He never did anything to deserve it. Neither did I.
When I hear the BS about "family is everything" I am justifiably disgusted. I cut them off 22 years ago, and don't miss their crap either. Hold you head high high and do what you know in your heart is right.
I suggest you get your advice elsewhere, since it's clear hers is worthless.
Cut her off. Pretend she doesn't exist. You have enough to deal with.
I do get advice from people other than her all of the time. I worked with a great group of women and after getting laid off in Covid we’re still in contact and meet for lunch, talk on the phone, etc. This woman just happens to live right across the street and our kids all grew up together so we were great friends for decades. But, there are big changes I see (none have to do with me) in personality and I wonder if the family genes are kicking in like I mentioned above. Toxic to stay with someone like that so I guess it’s “ta ta…….”
Maybe she literally did?
No need to formally declare the end of the friendship, just drift away.
You could be correct and something is off with her. You don’t need to deal with her unpredictable lousy comments . Your neighbor’s possible issues are not your concern either . You have enough to deal with already .
Don’t call her anymore . If you hear from her , tell her everything is fine and cut the conversion short with an , “ I have to go now “. Don’t tell her your business anymore .
It's very easy for your former friend and neighbor to be the Armchair Critic here, knowing absolutely nothing about your day to day life dealing with FTD. Yet feels entitled to give you free advice, unsolicited, about what you "should" be doing and blah blah blah. Do yourself a big favor and choose to have nothing further to do with HER now, regardless of what decision she reaches on the matter. It would be comical if it weren't so ridiculous. She'll have nothing further to do with you if you placed dh in a substandard facility! 🙄
Eliminate toxic people and energy vampires from your life now as you focus on staying healthy yourself. Surround yourself with people who support and uplift you, who empathize with what a difficult situation YOU are going thru. Treat yourself with kindness and accept nothing less from others.
May God help you realize you made the best decision possible, and keep you healthy, body and mind.
Actually, all of you above are correct. 100%! So, I guess part of my new normal is to cut the relationship off.
‘Thanks for all the advice and so quickly!