Last year, my 81 YO mother completely burned me out. I am her only child and my father died seven years ago so she is alone. She lives three hours away, round-trip that is, and a visit to her home is an entire day. I don’t mind doing it, but every visit is about some type of problem she has created. She’s got COPD, heart disease, kidney failure, depression, recurring diverticulitis, and more. She won’t follow doctor’s orders, she refuses to eat healthy, she smokes a pack a day, and she lives across the street from a bar where she goes several times a week and drinks. I may sound angry. So forgive me please. She gets no exercise other than going to the bar. Last year was a nightmare. Repeated hospitalizations related to failure to comply with doctor’s orders, and this week, she got drunk at the bar, fell down, hit her head, vomited and pooped her pants and had to be taken out on a gurney to the hospital. I told her I wasn’t coming down for this.
I have access to her medical charts, so I can see the reports coming in in real time. Thankfully, she was not hurt worse.
When I’m not a mere three hours from her, I spend six months at the beach, which is 1000 miles away. Her issues seem to escalate a few weeks before I leave for the beach. I told her this year, I am not going to delay my departure. I know why I feel guilty. But I live a healthy life and I don’t understand why she won’t quit drinking and smoking and eating off the no-no list. I’m not even going to get into how much this is costing me financially. Remember, she’s a widow, and I’m an only child. I’ve done everything, and nothing has worked. I guess I’m just venting. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help them self. So I’m going to the beach, and she can sit at the bar, smoke cigarettes, and carry-on. What’s most saddening is that she does not want to join me in a healthy lifestyle. Thanks for listening.
Whether young adults, middle aged or elderley, we can choose our lifestyle. I suppose our choices stem from our backgrounds, past experiences (maybe past trauma) our personality & need for company or seclusion, our temperament, all sorts of factors.
I would choose to continue to the beach too.
You do you (as they say).
It's OK you differ.
I could jump in any day I wanted.
then perhaps you can find healthier activities for her.. and reintroduce her to a better lifestyle
A similar strategy might help. Read the ‘Boundaries’ book, and work out your own boundaries here. What you are and are not willing to do. Write it down, and give a copy to M. Keep copies to refresh your own resolve, and to give to social workers, hospital staff, etc etc. You have already told us of a couple for the list:
1) Won’t get involved in escalating emergencies that interfere with your own plans (and may be fake anyway).
2) Won’t turn up for emergencies or hospitalisations caused by her bad habits.
3) And perhaps “won’t pay her bills”. You say “I’m not even gonna get into how much this is costing me financially”. It shouldn’t be ‘costing you’. If you are propping this up financially, it would be a very very good idea to draw a firm new boundary line for money.
Good luck!
Sadly, as you stated, “you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themself”. You have done the best you can to help your mother, but it’s clear that your mother prefers to continue with this lifestyle. Since your mother does not seem to appreciate your concerns about her health, there’s nothing more left for you to do.
You need to stay focused on living your healthy lifestyle, and continue enjoying your beach vacations. I also love the beach and every opportunity I have is spent down by the beach.
The smoking , not eating healthy , not exercising ….let those worries go . She can choose to live how she lives . And quite frankly the list of diagnosis tells me the damage is done already . Elders tend to figure they might as well do what they want with the time they have left.
You are correct , you can’t help those who won’t help themselves. I am glad you are going to continue to take care of yourself and go to the beach . It is sad like you said, but it’s your mother’s journey to choose, even if it’s a bad one .
I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. I know how much it hurts to see members of our family destroying themselves.
It’s natural to want to help them and put an end to our misery as well. Yet, we are completely helpless in these situations regarding their care.
It has to be your mother’s decision to make before a change can occur in her life. Some people are successful in achieving recovery and others aren’t. Your mom has been in a dark place for a long time.
You will hear in Al-Anon and I can testify to the accuracy, that it generally takes several attempts before people are able to fully achieve living in recovery.
Addiction is a disease. The struggle can continue to be a challenge for most people.
I grew up with an addict. My oldest brother died in 2013 due to his addiction.
My other siblings and I never became addicts. Perhaps, because we saw firsthand the damage that was done.
My parents never even drank socially. Daddy smoked cigarettes during WW11 like many soldiers did but quit smoking long before I was born.
Some people follow in the footsteps of what they see. I consider myself fortunate that I wasn’t ever tempted to follow my brother’s example.
My heart goes out to people who struggle with substance abuse. There are so many wonderful people who have suffered and caused suffering for others due to becoming addicted.
You would be surprised at how many nurses, doctors and even police officers who have suffered with addiction. My brother owned a successful business but lost everything in the end due to his addiction.
No one wakes up in the morning and says, ‘I want to be an addict.’
All we can possibly do to help is encourage them if they desire help and not judge them harshly. Enabling won’t help. Destroying your own life for their sake won’t help.
I looked into rehab programs and gave my brother the info. I couldn’t force him to go or continue working the steps.
When I didn’t understand how addiction works, I tried to help my brother and he would go back and forth between being clean and using.
I was told about Al-Anon and Narcotics Anon from a caring nurse in the hospital after my brother crashed his motorcycle. He nearly died from his injuries.
I attended meetings and then decided to step away completely for my own mental health.
Helping yourself is the best thing you can do for you. I found the meetings to be very useful to help me move forward in my life.
You are wise to step back, take a break and enjoy the beach.
I see that you are in Ambridge, PA. I checked the location map and there are several locations and schedules for your area.
It is very comforting and healing to be able to speak with others who have walked in your shoes. They understand in a way that others simply can’t.
You are absolutely welcome to vent here. Many of us have been in similar situations with parents, siblings or spouses.
You certainly won’t receive any judgment from anyone in Al-Anon. They will support you.
I doubt that anyone would judge you on this forum. There are caring, supportive people here who will support you as you navigate your way through this difficult time in your life.
No one will view you as abandoning your mom. They will understand that you are looking after your own well being.
Sorry this message was so long. It’s a complex topic. I wish you and your mother all the best.
allow smoking.
move her into a facility that’s not walking distance to a bar.
The OP already knows this.
Already knows it will take another fall or bout of illness to change the situation. It will be a case of 'Await the Crises'.
DoingMyVeryBest, welcome to the club.
All you can do is have a rough plan made out to speak up & be Mom's advocate if/when it happens.
How are you enabling her financially?
So what.
Many people have NO children whatsoever.
Your mother has made her own choices for her own life.
You cannot change others.
You can only change yourself.
You should provide your mother with the phone numbers to call for help. You should stop enabling her with your frequent trips to her.
Frankly I cannot imagine. We used to have another little cabin we built that was three hours away. It took the day, what with lunch and so on, to get there. I surely can't imagine DOING anything there and getting home again in same day we got there. What could you accomplish for your mother with a one day trip. That should stop.
Be honest with your mother if she starts trying to guilt you.
Or if you start again to guilt yourself.
Let her know you didn't MAKE her lifestyle changes, you can change her lifestyle, and you won't try to make her lifestyle OK, because it can't be made that. Not everything can be fixed and with COPD looming it is way too late to think about the whole healthy changes thing. That is simply beating your head against a brick wall.
I have, as an RN, seen people with a trach because they can't breathe, still smoking. Yeah, it can be done.
Time to live your life. You are likely at your best 1,000 miles away. Let Mom know you will come for a few days once a month when you are home. Stop bothering her about her lifestyle. That's not going to change and it is just adding to your burdens to think so.
I wish you the best of luck. Mom will likely have to go into care soon enough. And yes, they have smokers. I still remember them out at the back patio in my bro's ALF, the poor things.
The worst was when I saw a guy whose left quadrant of his face from cheekbone down was - GONE. Just gone. No jaw. Somehow it had been patched over with skin. He still had a nose. That hollow haunts me in my nightmares. His niece said he'd had cancer from smoking. I remember the handsome TV ad Marlboro Man. This guy should have been the Marlboro Man. He portrayed what smoking really can do to a person. (I didn't see him smoking, so maybe he wasn't anymore. I couldn't bear to ask.)
You are not going to reverse these problems at the age of 81. The damage has been done. Trying to dry her out at this stage may be a shock to her system. Your Mom is slowly killing herself. Kidney disease means Dialysis. Just read where conventional dialysis cannot be given to someone with severe COPD. The option is peritoneal dialysis, which involves fluid being pumped into the stomach cavitity, left for 2 hrs and drained off. This has to be done every few hours. Both people I knew who were on it, chose to discontinue it and die. Its a last ditch effort. They were in their early 60s, ur Mom has 20yrs on them.
You can't force people to do what they don't want to. I am surprised that Mom has lived till 81. I will be surprised if she makes it to 85. Go on with ur life. Let her do her thing doubt if ur going to change her at this point.
Because of her underlying lung disease she was supposed to see the doctor at the first sign of even the mildest infection. The doctor said she didn’t even need an appointment, just come in. But she would put off going for days and weeks until she had full blown pneumonia each time. Then, after being hospitalized, she refused to go to a rehab for IV antibiotics that she really needed, because she was afraid she was going to get “trapped” there. Now she is constantly saying, why is this happening to me? And it’s pointless to to remind her of all the bad decisions she made.
From what I read here I know a lot of us are caring for people who made poor decisions. You can only live your life and try to plan ahead for when your mom does become incapacitated (and the plan doesn’t have to include you as a caregiver). I wish you the best.
He leeched off of others his whole life, living with siblings, drinking and smoking to his hearts content, never working, for 30 years, playing video games all day long.
Finally, when everyone got sick and tired of housing him and he was sniffing around at OUR door, I told dh nuh-uh. Get him on disability, get him cataract surgery, and then we'll find him a motel to live in that his SSDI will cover the monthly cost of.
That's precisely what happened. BIL loved the motel life. He could do exactly what he wanted w/o anyone lecturing him on the ills of an unhealthy lifestyle. It was, after all, HIS LIFE to live as he saw fit. As long as he wasn't wrecking anyone else's life in the process. And who were WE to tell HIM how to live, anyway?
The motel was in a busy section of Denver with bus access to Wal-Mart, and walkable to the liquor store. One day he rode the bus to Wal-Mart to buy groceries. I happened to be shopping at another Wal-Mart across town when my cell phone rang. It was a detective informing me my BIL had keeled over and died in the Wal-Mart parking lot an hour earlier. He was 70 years old. Smoking, drinking and COPD had caught up with him.
We all felt sad he'd died so young, but felt glad he'd lived life on HIS terms. Which is what we said when we paid tribute to him while spreading his ashes in the mountains later that year.
It's ok to feel sad about the life choices your mother has made. It's not ok to enable her in any way, or to change YOUR lifestyle to suit HER needs. She forfeited that privilege by making poor life decisions over and over again. She's chosen her life AND her death. Now it's time for YOU to choose YOUR life.
It's miraculous she's lived to 81. It's also miraculous (and disgusting) that the corner bar is still willing to serve her as a customer. They should lose their license for that, imo.
I know the guilt and feelings of responsibility that come along with being an only child. But in many cases, we onlies have to detach with love when our mothers are killing US with their toxic behavior.