Dementia Confabulation: When to challenge and when to "go along?"
Thank God for this forum. Where would I be without your help and reassurances?
Mom confabulates to fill in the blanks of her faulty memory. I understand this. It helps her make sense of her world. Most of the time I can "go along with" her alternate reality. When Mom says she's already acquainted with someone I've introduced her to for the first time, I never challenge it. When she says memory care staff stole her hearing aids (when in fact she's lost them for 100th time), I say "Oh, really? Why don't you help me look for for your hearing aids first before we report it to the director?"
What really troubles me is when Mom makes slanderous statements toward me or some other family member that simply aren't true. For months (possibly years) Mom has been circulating terrible stories about me that non-discerning people have taken for the truth. You could argue that you can't fix stupid; if people can't see that Mom has dementia and believe her confabulations anyway that I shouldn't worry about it. Sorry, folks. It still hurts. A lot. Not all of this character assassination goes on behind my back. Mom will tell me to my face. Am I supposed to smile benignly and agree with Mom I'm a low-down, common ______? (you fill in the blanks). Sorry; I won't. Let me add that I have minimized contact due to a lifetime history of abuse from dear ole Mom. Her more recent negativity and character assassination are just the icing on the cake.
Likewise, Mom attributes criminal actions to my dear sister, whose conduct is kind, loving, unimpeachable. I'm looking for appropriate answers that preserve mine and my sister's dignity without antagonizing Mom. Ideas, anyone?
I got your suggested reading Loving Hard-to-Love Parents: A Handbook for Adult Children of Difficult Older Parents by PaulChavetz. Truly one of the most helpful books on the topic I've EVER picked up! Short, sweet, and to the point! Great insights! Useful suggestions! Strongly recommended to anyone struggling with difficult aging parents! Got it through Amazon. Bravo!
Just as an aside, I remember Mom (before the dementia set in) telling me about her childhood when "senile" people were literally "locked up in the attic." I think her generation (she is 92 now) thinks of dementia as some abhorrent thing to be ashamed of, which I suppose is understandable.
A few months ago, Mom was actually self-aware of her deficits. She's now turned the corner and believes she is "perfectly fine" and only has "a little memory problem," saying I'm "the one with dementia." I don't argue and just say, "Well, you know, Mom, my memory ain't what it used to be," and leave it at that. Then Mom puffs up like an old hen and smiles.
I read the stories on this forum and cry. Comparatively speaking, I have it so much easier than many of you who keep your aging parent(s) home with you, when I have Mom in memory care. I thank God daily for that! Some of you have patiently (and sometimes not so patiently) forged ahead with caretaking roles; not just one but both parents AND a spouse with dementia! Why do so many of us and our LO's succumb to this awful fate? Some say it's because we're living longer. I for one would rather die of a stroke or heart attack or cancer than inflict this on my children!
There are no warm, fuzzy moments with Mom's dementia, layered as it is with mental illness. No reprieve, no hope of things getting better. I feel like Mom's disease process is some sort of test of my humanity. I pray I continue to treat Mom as I would like to be treated with the same condition: kindness and compassion tempered with boundaries. I would not want my children to give up their lives for my sake....
Thank you!
A priest once told me that we are to honor our M and F, but there is no guidance about loving them. That has to be earned.
My mom is the fourth elder I've had to take care of in three years. I even asked her if she ever had to take care of the elderly. It has ruined my health, but I was lucky to find a role model in my Father-in-law H*y. H*y just took care of others. H*y did not look to find someone to take care of things, he just did it. I really cry when I think of the time I missed with him. And I never got to tell him he is truly my hero.
H*y learned to shut off when he was abused, I know that now. Whenever my mother gets really bad, I just think, what would H*y do?
AmberA, your mother's brain is damaged. She cannot help some of it. The problem is that she can remember just enough to push your buttons. Treat her like you would an errant 10 year old. Smart enough to annoy, but not enough to realize what she is doing. I also worry about what my mother says to others, but I try to kill that with kindness to all.
I am walking along a road at winter, a freezing, but normal person. I hear someone screaming for help. I run up and see a woman drowning in a pond. I have two choices, I can try to help and be a hero, at risk to my own life, or I can walk away and be a coward forever. But I can never be a normal person again. I choose hero.
Love you all.
Today I at her Brother-in-Law's memorial service. I met her daughter for the first time, I mentioned how concerned I was about her and would it be possible to get a generator as her house is all electric with no fireplace. Her daughter said her mother exaggerates, lights weren't out for more than 18 hours, grandsons plow her driveway, If things were dire they have snowmobiles to get to her. She has studded tires, in essence didn't happen. Wow!! She has stuck to that story, was telling someone else about it today. This is months later. I guess it is her reality. It made me feel good and bad at the same time. Good she won't go through that again this winter. Bad that her mind is failing so bad that she thinks she went through it last winter.
I'm an only child too. You need to have your mom evaluated by a geriatric neurologist. Alert her doctor (before her appointment) that you'd like her tested for dementia. (Alzheimer's is one type of dementia.) The doctor can refer her to the specialist under the guise of checking out another ailment. Then you'll know if she's got it.
My mom and I didn't get along in my youth. She was narcissistic and I couldn't stand it. Later, when she was entering stage 5 Alzheimer's, she accused me of everything from stealing to throwing her on the floor to incest! At first I cried, then I tried to defend myself, then I got frustrated, then mad. As everyone does, I tried reasoning, explaining, screaming, ignoring then placating her by going along with it. I started limiting the amount of time I spent visiting her. If she repeated something too many times and I asked her to stop, I'd say I had to leave. That would work for awhile. As the dementia gets worse, nothing works. I learned to ignore most of it and redirect the rest. You'll get tired of responding and give up. In the mean time, limit your exposure and try to learn how not to care. It really doesn't mater what anyone thinks. My mother says her daughter (me) hates her and she doesn't like her either. I don't care anymore. She doesn't know who I am and can't retain it if I tell her.
They just have to be pitied for how "out of it" they are. Dear God, may we all escape this fate.
AmberA: "...negativity and character assassination..." and "...learn to respond to the false assertions for MY sake, not hers..." and "..hard-wired narcissistic ways are worsened by the dementia.."
Enderby: [she] only calls to ask for something or to relay something being 'stolen' - AND - when i visit and find the item, she says "oh i'll have to call the police back and tell them they don't have to spend time on it, because the housekeeper returned it." [she is never the one to blame. ever.]
Harpcat: "..if I reason with [her] it gets ugly.." i've become a 'yesman' i have 100% given up on 'redirecting' - NEVER works; DAMN she's sharp!
Quint41: "..amazed by how many narcissistic, abusive parents there are..." including the rest of your shared similar story; regarding enderby's letter: i believe my mom would rip it up and express anger toward me for WEEKS for writing such lies [truths]
just what is going on! some strange cruel joke of aging. rarely [never?] experienced or witnessed by our parents when theirs were aging.
Yes, how do I tell if my Mother is starting with dementia or early Alzheimer's or is she just using and/or playing her usual games with me as she has done for many years now? Nothing I ever do is right with her or good enough. I just want there to be peace for both of us.
My question to everyone is this: how do I tell if this is a dementia or early Alzheimer's
If I can't escape physically, then - I don't know - I'm not above firmly and loudly staring at her assertively in the eyes and saying "STOP IT! NO!" but I'm afraid dementia care experts might not say that's the best thing (I think they would say "make her feel emotionally safe, sympathize with her, lie if necessary, then switch the topic") but I have to say, that does help my sense of dignity. We're not talking to a Mind here. No sense in catering to non-mind. But - the idea of helping her feel emotionally safe is important. After I might firmly tell her NO, then I do try to switch the topic and tenor of my voice to be comforting and enthusiastic and encouraging about some completely different topic - "Oh, look at that bird over there / child running down the street" or even better - "What would you like for dessert? Chocolate? Lemon cake?" getting her thinking about food often calms her down. Hey man, whatever works. !!!!
I, too, have a narcissistic mother. She’s 96, lives in an independent-living senior apartment (no assistance there), can’t afford assisted living and we are currently having conversations about skilled nursing facilities (I hate the term “nursing HOME” ... they are not HOME, they are noisy institutions where we send our elderly after taking everything they have accumulated in life away from them ... but that is a whole different thread! 😳 ) My mother does not watch TV, listen to music, read books or magazines, she just sits there in her recliner by the window in silence all day and watches her neighbors out the window, making up lives and stories that are just completely whacked! A wonderful woman in her 50’s moved in next door, was so kind to give my mother her phone number and say, “If anything ever happens and you can’t reach the phone but you can read the wall that separates us, bang on the wall and I’ll come and help you!” My mother talks incessantly about how this woman wears shorts that are way too short and dresses that are way to tight, has men visit her (who could be brothers, cousins, friends, she has no idea), so she must be a prostitute! She has now convinced herself of this and tells me all about her comings & goings. This is not isolated. She has said horrible things about all of the lovely women there who check on her well-being, have offered help, etc. One is addicted to opioids, another must be gay because she looks it, etc. Sometimes I just want to scream, “these poor people only made the mistake of being kind to you, and you repay their kindness by slandering them!” I can only imagine what she says behind my back, as to my face she has told me that I am a know-it-all and the reason for my divorce 24 years ago was that he couldn’t stand me anymore (in reality, he was an alcoholic and I divorced him), that my wonderful husband Bob will not put up with me for long and he’ll kick me to the curb, and that the whole problem with me is that she was not hard enough on me when I was little! It has taken me a long time, and a fair amount of counseling, to learn to calmly respond that I’m not going to stay and be abused so I am going home and will call the next day to which she’ll respond with something like, “If I don’t die before then.” I have driven almost an hour down there stayed for 30 minutes to make sure her dishes are washed, bed is made, garbage is tossed, sh*t is cleaned off her toilet seat, and she has food, turned around and driven home. Anyway, it’s hard to hear the confabulation, but there is nothing you can do to change it. She cannot reason. Anyone who has known her for any length of time will have figured out that she’s got dementia and know the stories are not true.
I do like Enderby’s idea of writing a letter explaining why you will not stay when she becomes abusive, because my mother cannot remember anything correctly that she hears, but if she has something on paper she will read it over and over and over. Of course, I would word it very carefully, be as kind and loving as possible while relaying that you will not allow her to be abusive. That is great advice, Enderby!
My mother has narcissistic personality disorder, now overlain by dementia. She has always demonized me and cut me out of the family while glorifying my drug addicted, alcoholic brother and sister. I've been all alone, without a single ally, and envy that you have your sister.
My dad too does what you are saying. His reality has gotten much worse since his recent surgery. He’s now accusing my dear sister who has been such a help to him of using the money from his estate sale to go visit Cuba!! The estate sale was 4 yrs. ago but he thinks it was recent.
I have to decide how I will deal with this. I know he doesn’t even know what he’s truly saying as he’s created this alternative reality. And yet if I reason with him it gets ugly. Truly you have to detach even when hurtful things are said. Sometimes he will tell me I’ve changed and that I used to be nice. Especially if I try to say the nurses and staff in rehab can’t come immediately when he calls because they have other patients. He feels I’m taking their side. And silly me, I’m trying to use logic. Logic doesn’t help!! I’m a slow learner sometimes.
So think of it as though you are watching a movie unfold and he’s talking about people you don’t know. And say things like...really?...you don’t say?...and then try to redirect and talk of something you know cheers her up.
But get this book!
My mother and yours sound very similar. Except I am an only child and my mother attacks my very helpful and wonderful wife as well. I realize it is her real, spoiled personality coming out without the social skills to cover it up.
She started being really abusive about two years ago, making up horrible things about me and what a horrible person I am. These stories went from when I was 25 back to 9 years old. Of course the abuse was forgotten once she needed something. Which was most days.
When she fell and had to be in the hospital and rehab for two weeks, I visited daily. My wife helped with her bills, and for convenience we paid many of her expenses ourselves, just as we had with my in-laws and father. She accused my wife of stealing from her when she couldn't remember the reason for some checks.
She was just as needy and demanding when we were taking care of my two in-laws (both became nicer as they aged), a daughter struggling with serious mental issues, and a son with physical problems. A demanding, total narcissist.
One thing that helped me. I gathered up a bunch of receipts and wrote that we paid them for her on each. I included a long letter about how we helped her in spite of her abuse, and gave numerous examples of her outlandish behavior. I also wrote that she was affecting my health (true), and in the future I will just leave if I feel uncomfortable with her behavior. I also said I do not expect her to change, but that I can control how I react to her. I did not talk to her or see her for a week.
The letter seemed to help a lot. I think it was because she could read it over and not fill in the blanks like she does with a remembered conversation.
I have stuck to the walking away strategy, and refuse to engage her when she starts with the negativity about anything or anyone. I do not accept apologies from her for any reason, I tell her she will just do it again and everyone will feel worse the next time.
Her behavior is much better now, we even had her over for a meal, something we have not done in more than a year.
I still will never trust her again, and I still try to minimize the contact, but the relationship is tolerable for now. I still get the occasional call from the senior community staff when she throws a tantrum, but at least I am not the object of her hatred and have been able to minimize my own stress.
It is stressful to worry about other's opinions. The only opinion that matters is yours.