My friend may have "Early Onset Dementia" or could alcohol excess produce the same memory problems?

This is a tough one to deal with long distance! It is admirable that you want to deal with it for the sake of both your friend and her mother.

In the early stages of his dementia my husband's symptoms were similar to being drunk. I had the advantage of being with him 24/7 and knowing exactly what and how much he drank. He seemed drunk but I knew for certain that he wasn't.

Is her mother cognitively fine? If she does not have dementia herself could you call her and chat with her a while and then also ask about her daughter? She hasn't seemed herself to you when you've talked to her on the phone. Has Mom noticed anything going on?

Also, do you have any mutual friends where your friend lives? Could you talk to them about possibly having coffee or lunch with her and reporting back to you how she seems to be?

Even if your friend "only" has depression, that is serious and should be treated. Do you think you could talk her into seeing a doctor on that basis?

Sorry that I can't come up with a telephone test to determine dementia vs drunk. :( But I hope you can learn a little more through others and be there for your friend, whatever is behind her behavior.

We should all have caring friends like you!

Six weeks is a very long time to stay in a hospital! Do you know what that diagnosis was? This seems to be a highly secretive family!

She certainly needs to see the doctor again. If her husband cannot insist that she go, I don't see what hope you have. If the doctor told her not to drink, then clearly drinking is not good for her. Whether that is the cause of all her befuddlement is hard to say, when you say she seems the same whether she is drinking or not. On the other hand do you really know when she is not drinking? How could you tell from such a distance. She may have told you she hadn't been drinking between the hospital stay and her birthday, but ... ??

I don't know how you can help if she won't let you into her life, except be there for her and step in if she is ready for you.

Man...it is a tough road for you and your familly. Has her doctor been informed about the alcohol use? Any help from the doc. suggesting treatment? Has the doc. told her NO alcohol? If you can't control the drinking, maybe do the old English trick of "watered wine", half water, half wine. Maybe that way you could ease her off without her noticing very much? Does she get around your house and fix her own meals, glasses of wine or beer? It is also hard to tell about this confusion and TIAs and memory when they all merge together, don't you think?
As far as answering her questions about her house and all that, I'd propbably just say what you think she wants to hear as she will forget she asked anyway. Arguing with a person just doesn't help, does it? From your description, she may have that "sundowners" which means she gets more confused toward evening time. Is that the case with your mom?
There is an old movie, something like Trip to Bountiful or such. It was about a MIL that just wanted to go to her childhood home in Bountiful. It was pretty good as the movie showed the desire to return to the youth and yet the acceptance that the past is the past. If your mother likes movies, maybe she could watch it? And maybe other old movies she may remember. That is if she watches movies!

I'm no expert here, which is why I've been asking questions! But it does seem to me that you aren't really going to get through to her with facts, so just say, Oh Mom, you'll be going home later, we just want you to visit for awhile...something like that. Another friend who happens to be a doctor has a daughter with alcohol issues, so I turned to her to see what to say or do with my friend L. She said not to confront her and just let it go if I had no control over it. Did you ever see the movie "50 first dates"?

If her mind is just not working right, maybe it is time to see the doctor for evaluation again? Does she get angry and fussy? If the doctors have diagnosed her with mild dementia, then have you noticed if the dementia is worse lately or about the same over the 14 months?
Sure hope you can find some relief from all the stress of all the repeated questions. Reminds me of a child who just won't give it up!
The old phrase is probably true, If you continue to respond in the same manner, then why would you expect any change. So, change what and how you reply and see what she does. Is that reasonable? Let me know what you think.
Bonnie

Hi Bonnie, I just read up on your posts. I have to say I am glad your friend went back to the hospital -it sure sounds like she has something more than just alcoholism. I wonder if she has had a stroke or strokes. This can leave one with dementia. Her drinking may have put her at a risk for strokes ,too, if I am not mistaken.
Be careful about the note to her husband. Notes are forever and can bite you in the future. Not that I don't think you should communicate with your friend's husband but just be careful. Is there any way you could make an in person visit? Maybe make some time to meet privately with the husband to discuss your friend's situation? That sounds kinda sneaky but if your friend in unable and unwilling to take care of herself you may have to resort to some sneaky tactics for her benefit, IMO. Good luck to you -and conzzie-you, too!

Hi Bonnie, I have been following your posts. To me it sounds like you friends has developed some dementia, probably caused by alcoholism. However, regardless of the cause, it looks like there is little you can do to help her, considering her and her husband's attitudes.
This is a quote "Heavy use (of alcohol)increases the risk of developing VaD (vascular dementia) and alcohol related dementia (ARD), but not AD.(Alz) from a paper called "The Association Between Alcohol
Use and Dementia in the Elderly" by Karl Farcnik, BSc, MD, FRCPC and Michelle Persyko, PsyD, CPsych.
My father was a heavy drinker and developed what is now called vascular dementia, but really did not get treatment till he was institutionalized, by which point it had progressed significantly. If your friend's health comes to a point that she can no longer live at home but needs to go into an institution, she may be able to get the help she needs. No doubt, after that last hospital stay her husband has pretty good knowledge of what is going on. However, it seems neither he nor she wants your help, so I think your hands are tied. Addictions are evry difficult to deal with.

What I see is that you are going through stages of grieving over your friend's condition, and the loss of relationship that us happening and the likely continued loss. Honestly, I would concentrate on yourself and dealing with your feelings, By all means make a trip and visit your friend, and/or her mother, but I doubt that it is realistic to expect that you can make much difference to her health. You might try checking out Alanon literature, as it could help you deal with the situation.

I feel for your loss - it is horrible to watch a loved one choose to self destruct. (((((((hugs)))))) and blessings Joan

Thoughts to Ponder.

Your friend abuses alcohol, is probably an "alcoholic" and may be suffering from
alcohol dementia that is often caused by b-1, thiamine, vitamin deficiency. The body does not absorb nutrients that may lead to temporary or permanant brain damage. Husband is "secretive" or is he an " enabler"?. Six weeks in the hospital or may possibilty be six weeks in a alcohol detox program?

Alcohol encephalopothy is brain damage caused by excessive alcohol use. Unfortunately, excessive alcohol consumption may lead to early dementia.
There is a disease called Wernicke/Kosinoff-( google Drexell University College of Medicine) that describes the symptoms in detail. The earliest stage of the disease is Wernicke and symptoms may be reversed over time but requires abstinance. Kosinoff is not reversable. Symptons may include: inability to form new short term memories, loss of memory, making up stories-Confabulation or seeing or hearing things that are not there-Hallucinations. Sounds familiar from your comments. The list goes on.

Friend and brother in law were both admitted to the hospital with life threatening medical emergencies. Both were malnourished, had b-1 vitamin deficiency, alcoholics and given medication to detox so did not have sezuires or DTs. In-house alcohol programs were recommended (six weeks, six months) Both live in upper class burbs, 70 year old female Chardonnay drinker and 54 year old Vodka drinker. Well dressed, affluent, well mannered, and not the profile?. Guess what they are the profile. Both spouses were and are secretive. ENABLERS

You see where I am going with this. You are a caring friend but it is evident that your friend does not want to address the issue, maybe in denial and she has told you that this is not your concern. Sounds like her husband is unable or unwilling to deal with this issue directly. Not much you can do for her at this point.

Unfortunately, I suspect that the situation will continue to deteriorate. You mentioned that your friend has stomach issues and vomits. So did my brother -in-law, had an acute pancreatitis attack (common with alcohol abuse), horrific symptoms and excrutiating pain. In and out of the hospital for close to a year and almost died. Not a pretty picture.

You are kind and caring. I am also a kind and caring person and in both cases tried to intervene. Not appreciated. In both cases, the personalities have changed. More Selfish, combative and frankly no longer nice friends or human beings. What do they have in common. Alcohol brain damage. Sad but very true.

Spouses are enablers, both in different ways and for different reasons. Little has changed . The enablers lives have been adversely impacted and both are in pain and unhappy. They continue to enable their spouses by covering up for their spouses behavior and deficiencies. Major medical issues are also present including treatment for lung and met- brain cancer. So sad, depressing and the beet goes on...

Again, not much you can do and believe me Mishkam suggestion regarding Notes
is right on. "Notes are forever and can bite you in the future". Whatever you decide we will be thinking of you - please keep us posted. Best- Sand 56

My mom has lived with me for 14 months. Since being here she had a TIA after about the first two months. She is suffering from mild dementia and she drinks alot. St least one 6 pk a day or one bottle of wine.(Which i HAVE CUT WAY BACK she was drinking more when I first brough her here.) Now she has begun to be very confused. She wants to know when she is leaving, how she got here, where her car is ( hasnot driven in over 10 yers no car) Her house was sold when we brought her here to live with me. She ask me these same questions at least 25 times a day. It's driving me crazy any suggestions???? I talk to her in a low tone and try to explain how things are now, but you can tell the light bulb just isn't on

I love the quote from your Mom about putting stuff in writing!- "open court"-- very wise! What you said you would include in the note sounds good to me. It sounds compassionate without judgment and kind without condescension.
It is scary to think your friend is left alone. Her husband needs to realize that there is a problem. I know how hard it can be to convince a husband that his wife is "off". My Dad is very stubborn about admitting how much help my Mom needs and how bad off ( for lack of a better phrase) she is. I think he feels if he admits it that it is real but if he ignores it it is not. But in the mean time my Mom is suffering ( not abuse, mind you, just not enough care IMO). I wonder if your friend's husband feels the same way. It can be hard to admit that there is a life changing problem. But he has to face this. You are a good friend to take this on.

Hi Bonnie,
Thanks for your answer to my question about my mom. You are very helpful. I hae today just agreed with her when she ask me her questions and it did seem to help with the constant questioning.. I am making a appointment with her doctor to discuss some new meds he has put her on to see if they do made have had a effect on her. Her drinking is still about the same and I have mixed the wine and cut her beer to one six pack a day. My poor mother it is so sad to see her like this. I think I need to find someone who could give me a break maybe once a week for a few hours to help keep my sanity. Wish me luck and I will keep you informed.

Bonnie,
Thanks for the helpful information. I am checking the phone book and internet now for some organizations that I might get my mother involved in. Mom and I walk each day. A couple of times around the block. She enjoys watching Christian programing on TV and we work puzzles together or play cards once in a while as well. Mom was being taken care of by her grandaughter . After a couple of visists my sister and I realized it was not working out. My neice was really taken advantage of mom. Mother was paying all the bills and Carrie was living there for nothing. To make a long story short her and her friends destroyed moms home. Mom began drinking to put up with all the partying going on. The family didn't realize what was going on until it was to late. We lived about 8 hoursaway and when we would plan a visit she would always know and things would look ok. It took a couple of surprise visits to get the real picture. Needless to say i brought mom here to live with me. I live in Richmond, va which is a large city and I am sure I can find something for mom to do. Thanks for all the suggestions and I hope things turn out well for your friend. Thanks for being there and just listening to me. It helps to vent somethime.