My parents divorced when I was 9. I am an only child. My mom remarried and is still with my stepdad today. They have no kids together and he has no kids from previous marriage. I live about 45 minutes from them. My dad remarried two more times and was divorced from his 3rd marriage by the time I was 19 years old. I lived mostly with my dad growing up, until he moved to California when I was 18, then I went home in the summer from college and stayed with my mom and stepdad. Then I dropped out of college but I did return about 5 years later got my degree and much later got an MBA. None of my parents are college educated. I paid for most everything in my life - college after the 1st year (parents could not afford to pay any longer), my car, living on my own at 19, paying for everything. Growing up I feel like my father raised me, and I feel like my mom never really wanted to be a mom, never really seemed interested in the goings on with my life...just did not take of care of me like a mom, she was not nurturing, supportive or motherly. About 2 years ago or so my mom was diagnosed with dementia - and I would say she is now in late stages, and is no longer capable of being at home (with stepdad) and can't take of herself - she needs 24/7 care. I think my stepdad has been blind to how bad she is - she is non communicative (yes, no only, a few other words....she calls me by his name), soils herself, can't properly clean herself, etc...she has fallen once or twice but no one witnessed it - we just see all of the bruises all over her. Now she is in the hospital b/c we thought she broke a hip (she did not), had a UTI, has kidney stones. But the hospital wants to try and release her home. My stepdad and cousin (she is a social worker professionally) are trying to find her a nursing home / assisted living place. My point for bringing all of this up here - is I feel like my cousin and my stepdad are trying to guilt me into feeling bad for not doing more - I do visit her in the hospital, I spent 6 hours there on Sunday and 1.5 hours there the other day and plan to visit her tomorrow again. She is about 40 minutes from me. My point is I can't financially help in any way, plus I can't take responsibility for finding her an assisted living space. I am married and w/two stepkids here half time. I am breadwinner at home right now - I pay the mortgage, etc, and do stuff for my family. I have a 200K+ student loan bill (yep you read that right). My stepdad's only responsibility is my mom - they have been married for ~35 years. My mom retired at 55 (from a low income job) so she could then stay at home in the chair watching soap operas (that is how I recall it). I guess my stepdad supported this. Plus they did not take care of themselves physically - don't exercise or have the best diets. When my stepdad's mom need care/caretaker - his sister took over that - she was of sound mind and pretty capable of taking care of herself until she died in her late 80s. But I will be working until I am 80+ to take care of myself and my husband (I am trying to save for retirement for the both of us...he does not have it; he owns his own construction business). Plus I am going to need to take care of my dad - he has no one else (no other kids, no nieces, no wife to help). I feel resentful that the comments at me are intended to make be feel guilty. I am resentful and angry, at both my stepdad and mom (for different reasons). Do I have a right to be???
This is about a lot of baggage, not just your stepdad being "blind" to Mom's condition, but sure, feel what you feel.
Your responsibility is to yourself, your spouse and your kids. The obligation goes forward, not backwards.
You are kind to visit mom, but if stepdad and cousin ask for more help the answer is "I can't possibly do that. I have to work to pay my bills".
The discharge planner at the hospital should be giving you all a list of NH's that will accept your mother. You might be able to help by visiting some of them on the weekend.
Your mom now requires more care than her husband or you can supply, so let him find the appropriate facility to place her in(while applying for Medicaid if necessary)and get on with your life.
Your husband(and any minor children)and yourself are your only priorities right now, so let the chips fall where they may, and when mom gets settled in her new care facility, you can visit her as much or as little as you'd like.
And as far as you having the right to be angry, well of course you can be angry at the notion that is being implied from family members that your mom is your responsibility. But perhaps you may have to direct some of that anger at yourself for falling for their nonsense as well.
Stay strong and do what's best for you and hubby and let your stepdad do what's best for your mom.
Don't let anyone 'guilt' you into doing anything you don't genuinely WANT to do. Do what comes from your heart and nothing more.
Best of luck
I helped arrange AL/IL/NH care with my brothers, but we all had mortgages and families.
StepDad may have been a bit naive of Mom's dementia level. He may be overwhelmed. In which case, he seeks support & guidence (which he is doing via the cousin social worker).
None of the above has any relevance to your life.
If StepDad has ideas or expectations that you must come save him from his responsibility, I would say that is misguided. If he wants you to swoop in & save your Mom & make everything easy for him, I'd call that wishful thinking. If he thinks you owe this to them, to quote a movie "tell him he's dreaming"
You can feel however you want. I can understand being very angry. Anger is your boundaries speaking up! Telling you that it is not ok. Telling you to stand up for yourself - as you are doing. Keep to a simple message with him & any other family who may try to guilt you. (No need to explain your own obligations, whether Mom raised you or not. That's massively important to you, but others won't listen).
StepDad is Mom's spouse & it's up to him to arrange her care now.
I might add, it's ok to feel sad too. If there is a tiny piece of yourself that wants to grieve for the Mom you didn't get + your current Mom as she declines, do so. But you don't need to attempt to save her or him.
I wish you well.
Do not spend ANY money on your mom's care. Sorry, but that money is for you and YOUR family. If step-dad can't afford X, then so be it. He will have to figure out a different plan.
Sounds like she definitely needs a nursing home. Maybe a hospice evaluation too. Suggest he put her somewhere that accepts Medicaid. She may live a long time and burn through her share if their assets.
If it helps any, know that I DID figure out 20 years ago how this was going to turn out, but it made no difference. Despite my decades of attempts and pleading, my parent continued to shirk responsibility for his health, for his care, for his finances, for his obligations -- for everything basically.
So while it does not make your situation any better, please know that advanced thinking and effort still makes for no guarantee whatsoever.
Your mom, her husband and anyone else doesn't get a say in what you will do. Period. You get to decide what you are willing to do.
On another note, your husband should be earning enough to buy some IRAs or set up a SEP account, a good tax attorney can help him set it up to ensure that only long term, dependable employees would ever qualify.
We has a construction company and it provided bountiful retirement accounts for us. There is no excuse for him not to contribute to your retirement.
What you have or don't have doesn't obligate you to participate in your parents care.
Actually, your mom will have an easier time getting public assistance, the truly working poor (low paying jobs) are what the system is for and how it is structured. So it is good that Medicaid is involved, it will make the transition to LTC much easier for her husband to deal with.
It is likely Medicare that will provide mom with rehab for 20 days at 100% of the cost IF she is cooperative and making progress.
Best to get her into a facility that does rehab but that will accept her as a LTC skilled nursing patient if she doesn't progress, so that you don't need to move her again. Thus was probably the best advice we were given by discharge planning.
Better check that out. Are you sure there isn't a copay for the days not covered 100% (20 days)?
What costs are he concerned about?
My name here is Party of One. I too am an only child, divorced and not as able to work as I need to be because I am dealing with my mother. She fell/broke hip a month ago, did well in a stint to rehab, but is failing miserably once she got home. Like in three days miserably. My vote was assisted living from the get go but relented to give her a chance. I was right and she is back in the hospital as we type being assessed for placement. Here's the catch...everybody always looks at you, judges you and makes comments if you are not ALL IN on the keep mom at home REGARDLESS team. You life is your situation and its not up to everybody else to decided how much of caregiving you can handle. I had requirements before I would even consider having mother back home to rehab....and she's declined to the point that its not sustainable for me. Or her.
You don't have "that type" of relationship with your mother...and that's okay. And honestly, her not being a "mother" is okay too..,difficult for the child who needs more, but not every woman is cut out to be a mother. Mine really would not be considered warm and fuzzy....I can't recall even hugging her after age five. She's just not that gal. It is what it is.
I would simply state and repeat, I'm sorry but she needs much more care than I can help with and I don't have the level of expertise needed to deal with. Of course, they are hoping someone will pitch in....and you just can't be that person.
I would be proactive, "hey SD, I know you are worried about how you and mom are going to pay for things, so here is the number for the local agency that can provide assistance. Call them and get this started, it could take a bit of time, so you really need to call and get the ball rolling for your own peace of mind."
If he isn't asking for money, I would treat his words as venting and not passive aggressive hints.
I have to be really mindful of how I read what is being said, I don't do subtle and unless someone is outright asking, I take it as a vent and someone just sharing information, because I am always wrong in what I think they are trying to say. This has really helped me not get worked up about what I think they are trying to say. It might be helpful for you to try.
But are you sure your cousin intends to make you feel guilty for not doing more? I assume she knows the backstory. My guess would be that she thinks there isn't much time for you to make things okay with your mother and she doesn't want *you* to miss out.
Doesn't make your cousin right, of course, but it's another possibility behind her comments.
As for stepdad, as for funding your mother's care - [rude word deleted]. What's stopping your stepdad making decisions on your mother's behalf? He's her next of kin, not you. And cash-strapped children (by which I mean most standard income people) are NOT responsible for their parents' financial planning.
Er. That also applies to your Dad, though, by the way. This is a man who ripped through three marriages in two decades (and dropped you flat on your face at 18) and now has nobody? I wonder why. Care about him, of course, by all means, and give him what support you feel able to. But do not sacrifice yourself to his mistakes.
I do not mean to apportion blame. Quite apart from the fact that of course I do not know either of your parents and can't form an opinion, even those with better information would do well to hold back. But what you yourself can certainly judge is what resources you feel able to offer without injury to yourself or your husband or your future, whether that's time or work or any other kind of input.
Acceptance of our own limits is probably the most difficult and most important aspect of caregiving, and the one from which most other feelings stem.
You don't have to force feelings and emotions that aren't there to please other people. Clearly you and your mother did not have a close relationship. That is not your fault. It's her fault. She wasn't always an invalid. From what you say here she didn't make all that much effort in the days when she wasn't an elderly invalid and that would have been the time when she should have made some effort for a good relationship with you her child.
Please tell your cousin and father that no person can ever expect to get from others what they were never willing to give themselves.
You don't get what you don't give. They need to understand this and you need to let their totally ridiculous and unfounded guilt-trips get to you.
In the end and before her end, make peace w the situation and what has happened in your life. Do not let it consume you. She’s not able to acknowledge or apologize at this point. She is/was who she is. Maybe find a counselor or pastor who can help you sort out these feelings so it doesn’t hamper your future. You need support and peace.
Sounds to me that you are doing what you need to for your family.
Eventually your dad may need help but you are not obligated to anyone else.
Maybe cut the hospital visits a bit shorter.
Take care of yourself.
Decide what your boundaries are and don’t waste your energy expecting others to understand. There’s a wonderful book entitled Boundary Boss by Teri Cole. Her free videos could empower you to set limits and not get caught in codependent behaviors that will make you exhausted.
Also, a therapist could help you understand how you became the adult far too early and how that burden can haunt adult relationships. We are not responsible for other’s choices nor should we martyr ourselves to our family.
Do what is within your emotional, financial & physical limits so that you can be a peace. Other’s peace is theirs to find. You can have empathy without causing self harm. You can decide which parts you can do and decline the rest.
As they say, don your own oxygen mask before you put yours on someone else.” This process with your mother’s health decline could be an opportunity to heal old stories and learn to love yourself more.
Learning self care is not selfish. It is necessary and healthy. Ultimately, this journey is about you loving you. You are worth it. Even if nobody told you as a child that you mattered, you do. I wish you strength and I send you loving kindness as you navigate this difficult passage.
Yes, I couldn't see a client in memory care today due to pandemic. Not a good time anywhere. We or I need to find the peace within as I can. Meditation helps. I just need to do it more often. Gena
to point out that her life is her life and I have no right to ‘interfere’. I too have felt resentment and fury that now she is in her 80’s and has no friends left willing to put up with her difficult behaviour, that I am her sole carer. My brother and I are estranged - my mother has pit us against each other in order to get attention for decades and told blatant untruths about the other, I’m only just realising. I would say get clear what you are willing to take on. I no longer pick up the bill, although I took over her finances some years ago and was astonished to discover she was not living in penury, but has an adequate income, if managed right. She is now solvent and can afford the things she needs to live comfortably. I have given myself permission to provide the care I want to, given my values, but also to get external care support. One thing I realised is that no one knows how abusive my mother has been to me throughout my life, apart from my husband. Also, that continually trying to please a narcissistic parent means this is an impossible and hopeless goal which has blighted my otherwise lovely life and been detrimental to my own mental health. Consider taking a step back, what support do you feel able/want to offer, without resentment or anger? Offering anything else may leave you unfit to offer anything at all, not only to your Mum, but anyone else either, especially yourself. Trying to get the approval/good opinion of people who are not important to you is a waste of your energy and life and will ultimately leave you feeling unfulfilled and empty or frustrated. Even if you gain their approval, what will it give you if you don’t value them? We can’t be liked by everyone, and many people will put their agenda way above your well being. Make your own choice carefully, based on your values, and you probably won’t feel so angry and resentful. Anger is a useful emotion - it signals your boundaries are being crossed, so perhaps don’t ignore it. Sending good wishes and encouragement - set yourself free from the weight of opinion of people you don’t love or respect.
I have realized though after much thought that I CAN choose to be the caretaker of my mom and appease everyone else or I could choose to love my mom, when the time comes, from afar. The choice one makes is different for each one of us. I choose rather to spend the time, effort, and self care to empower myself, live as healthy as possible ( mentally, physically, and emotionally) so that I do not follow in her footsteps and become bitter and a obligation or burden on my own children. I have chosen to let this weight stop with me.
I understand that bad things happen to people in their lifetime. Few of us get through without anything bad. It is how one responds to what happens to us. We cannot fully control our future, however we can have a good mindset and self-love to be our best so when the time comes that we are no longer able to take care of ourselves, we have already been a gift to our family..
I want my children to WANT to take care of me when I am old and can no longer care for myself. I also want my children to feel free to choose whether they do or not. Ultimately, my welfare is my responsibility.
I love it that I see my dad with his grandchildren desiring to spend time with him in his last days. It is to me the ultimate compliment of having been a good fair and respected person. I really admire him and I feel honored to be his caretaker.
Your responsibility as as an adult child is to make sure your parents are cared for. In the USA, you do not have to pay for it or to do the caregiving yourself. Just make sure she is placed somewhere that her needs can be met.
We should be willing to help, if needed, but, there is no obligation, legally or otherwise. Not when they have a living spouse.