My parents divorced when I was 9. I am an only child. My mom remarried and is still with my stepdad today. They have no kids together and he has no kids from previous marriage. I live about 45 minutes from them. My dad remarried two more times and was divorced from his 3rd marriage by the time I was 19 years old. I lived mostly with my dad growing up, until he moved to California when I was 18, then I went home in the summer from college and stayed with my mom and stepdad. Then I dropped out of college but I did return about 5 years later got my degree and much later got an MBA. None of my parents are college educated. I paid for most everything in my life - college after the 1st year (parents could not afford to pay any longer), my car, living on my own at 19, paying for everything. Growing up I feel like my father raised me, and I feel like my mom never really wanted to be a mom, never really seemed interested in the goings on with my life...just did not take of care of me like a mom, she was not nurturing, supportive or motherly. About 2 years ago or so my mom was diagnosed with dementia - and I would say she is now in late stages, and is no longer capable of being at home (with stepdad) and can't take of herself - she needs 24/7 care. I think my stepdad has been blind to how bad she is - she is non communicative (yes, no only, a few other words....she calls me by his name), soils herself, can't properly clean herself, etc...she has fallen once or twice but no one witnessed it - we just see all of the bruises all over her. Now she is in the hospital b/c we thought she broke a hip (she did not), had a UTI, has kidney stones. But the hospital wants to try and release her home. My stepdad and cousin (she is a social worker professionally) are trying to find her a nursing home / assisted living place. My point for bringing all of this up here - is I feel like my cousin and my stepdad are trying to guilt me into feeling bad for not doing more - I do visit her in the hospital, I spent 6 hours there on Sunday and 1.5 hours there the other day and plan to visit her tomorrow again. She is about 40 minutes from me. My point is I can't financially help in any way, plus I can't take responsibility for finding her an assisted living space. I am married and w/two stepkids here half time. I am breadwinner at home right now - I pay the mortgage, etc, and do stuff for my family. I have a 200K+ student loan bill (yep you read that right). My stepdad's only responsibility is my mom - they have been married for ~35 years. My mom retired at 55 (from a low income job) so she could then stay at home in the chair watching soap operas (that is how I recall it). I guess my stepdad supported this. Plus they did not take care of themselves physically - don't exercise or have the best diets. When my stepdad's mom need care/caretaker - his sister took over that - she was of sound mind and pretty capable of taking care of herself until she died in her late 80s. But I will be working until I am 80+ to take care of myself and my husband (I am trying to save for retirement for the both of us...he does not have it; he owns his own construction business). Plus I am going to need to take care of my dad - he has no one else (no other kids, no nieces, no wife to help). I feel resentful that the comments at me are intended to make be feel guilty. I am resentful and angry, at both my stepdad and mom (for different reasons). Do I have a right to be???
* You are interpreting comments made as you FEEL guilty. No one can make you feel any specific way. If 10 people are in a room with the same common denominator, there likely will be 10 different responses - why? Because we are are triggered or wired based on our individual background, upbringing, wounding, psychological, emotional - combinations.
* The question you might want to pose is "why do I feel guilty" and realize that only you can change how you feel.
* Some part of these interactions / relationships are triggering you. If you are able to understand 'the why,' you may come closer to releasing the hold others' comments / opinions / intentions / perceptions have - you let it go saying (to yourself: this is how they feel, it has nothing to do with me or how I feel).
- From my point of view, this doesn't necessarily absolve a person from taking responsibility for their part in a situation. Still, in order to do this - you need to come to the table as a whole person so you can more humbly and objectively 'see' the big picture. And not allow others to dump on you.
As I say "you teach others how to treat you" - while this may not be specific to the discussion / point here, how you respond to them may - likely play into how they approach / communicate with you. In other words, if you 'put your foot down,' they may back down.
I am resentful and angry, at both my stepdad and mom (for different reasons).
Do I have a right to be?
The red flag here is that you are asking us if you have a right be feel - as you feel.
* You feel as you feel, right, wrong, good, bad, indifferent. There is no 'right' or 'wrong' feelings are feelings. Period. And feelings are triggered or emerge as they do based on how you feel about yourself, your unfinished emotional and other business (onging inner work).
* You equally have 'a right' to do as you please even if it is difficult (due to your conflicting feelings muddled with guilt). Not only do you have 'the right,' you have the OBLIGATION to yourself to feel self-respect and self-love --- not to mention, ackowledging yourself for all you did all your life - on your own, being successful, having a husband / family - and taking on all that financial responsibility.
* I hope that you give yourself a huge break (and a huge self-hug). Learn to love yourself as you would have appreciated / wanted to be loved as a child. Many of us need to learn to love ourselves unconditionally. I recall about 30+ years ago when I realized that a part of me had to (wanted to/became aware of) be the loving mother to myself that I never had . . . because she didn't have this inside her to extend to me. She was broken and didn't work on herself. Woman didn't do that in the 50s esp if not educated and as my mom, cross-eyed and poor at age 16.
Take care of you for your rainy day and when you want / need to take care of your own dad.
I would strongly suggest therapy to deal with your inner pulls / conflicts.
I learned in counseling training (psychosynthesis) to see myself - the situation on a tv screen ... and then seeing myself change the channel. It is time you change the channel.
Gena / Touch Matters
I really do have a problem with that because I have that same problem in my family with my siblings, but I don't ask them to do anything for mother because in the end, God will judge them, not me. Yes, I struggle, yes, I cry but I know God got me. Mom and I were not always the closest but she is the best mom that I can have.. I thank God for blessing me with her and I will continue to take care of her forever.
Just pray and ask GOD for deliverance and be ready for the truth!!!!!!
Just because it's working out for YOU to take care of Mom doesn't mean you can guilt people coming in here for help, "young" lady. Oh, and prayers.
OP's spending a lot of time at the hospital as it is, and after that the mom is to go into a NH/AL. No, it's not on her to pay money toward her mother's care, that is what her own money, presumably controlled by stepdad, is for. If there's no money, then that is what Medicaid is for and there's a social worker in the family to help navigate this.
There is really little for OP to do here regarding her mom's situation anyway. Why are you guilting her?
They are how a person feels.
The question is: Are you able to reframe how you understand your situation to feel compassion and set boundaries? I believe often a person 'feels angry due to being unable to assert themselves and set boundaries' - to then not deal with feeling guilty or other feelings.
Key is to be aware of how you feel. Take care of yourself. The only way you can take care of another is when you take care of yourself first.
You may have deep rooted triggers / wounding to feel as you do. I would encourage you to get into counseling / therapy to understand how you feel and what you need to do or will choose to do for all concerned.
Gena / Touch Matters