Caring for a loved one with dementia is such a trying experience. It has all but consumed my life for over two years. I'd do anything for my mom, and I've done alot. Sometimes it just gets so exausting, and I crave a life of my own to raise my little boy, and have more time with my family. It's so rough, but I know I'm the only one my mom has to look out for her so I try to remember that this disease is what causes alot of her actions, and behavior. Just let nagging comments go when ever I can, I see other people on this site are also going through this. My heart goes out to you....Hopefully it will all work out to a balanced way of life so we also get the time we need, and deserve. Family is family however so just moving or leaving them just isn't a option. Our moms gave us life, and we have to remember we would not even be in this world without them. So give, and take, and live, and love. XOXOXO
The thing is that no one but you can know when to call the shots and even then you won't. Guilt is a big one for me. Don't all good DILs take care of their in laws. Uh, no.
So, while I did spend the first 4 years doing it all, SIL pushed me to get outside help and I am GLAD she did. Yes, it took time for mom and dad to get used to strangers and yes is was more work for a while but it has been worth it. Sending them to the nursing home for respite has been a Godsend. Another Godsend is the COPES program in our state. This way I can get paid for what care I do give.
Mom and dad won't be getting better. That is just the facts. So I know that the time is coming that one then the other will go to the local home for long term care.
it's all good. Please please don't let guilt coerce you into self torture. I have had to pull back my care from them as I had overdone my services. Their expectations are high due to my loving care those first years - now they say no one ever comes. Well, we do and so do the aides and nurses at the home but just not as fast I did when I didn't know better. I have created monsters by waiting on them. I stole their independence, too. now in backing off they say no one cares. But in time they will adjust.
Meanwhile, I have more time for my still at home children and love for my hubby. Learn to be present - live in the moment. Even Jesus said Take no thought (don't worry about) tomorrow. So, I am learning not to worry about tomorrow. Take each day - each moment - and breathe.
And yes, the whining and griping rings in the background. But my ears are tuned to what the needs are and then letting all the rest go.
final word: Learn to say no. In the most loving way possible be prepared to just walk away. And no, it isn't easy but just do it.
On a lighter note, once the Nurses and my Mom were really startled by my Dad's "unresponsiveness" he wouldn't squeeze a hand, wink, open eyes, or anything on command. Then the Nurse tickled the bottom of his feet and he darn near kicked her hand off! He said as best and loud as he could...WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM LEAVE ME ALONE! MARY (my Mom) TALKS TOO MUCH!!
I've seen him play sleep on Mom before, when she begins complaining and yacking off. ( I don't blame him!) lol
I visited my Parents today, took Dad one of his favs...cranberry sauce and a bottle of Fruit Punch flavored Crystal Light to go along with his lunch. It wasn't much but he LOVED it.
Also, when Dad was in Hospice Care, I was told I could bring him Ice cream and Milk shakes with Protein Powder just something he eat ( at the time he was refusing food and losing weight)
You sound like you are having a better day, I hope that you are but when it gets rough and scarry, you are not alone and God will help you thru. Stay on this website and so will we.
Blessings!
Talking to her Doctor or Nurse should give you more direction for eatting ideas. And about the sleeping...that's all my 97 yr old Dad does anymore, barely eat and drink though he does drink liquids more than he will eat and he SLEEPS, SLEEPS, SLEEPS! I do worry sometimes but I try to pay close attention and learn some valueable lessons to pass for others.
I feel bad for talking harsh to my Parents sometimes but they can really push my "I'm on the edge" button. I would love to visit more than once a week but frankly, after I leave work I'm pretty tired then to go by and hear their complaining about the same ole things, I just can't do it and be of good company so I save what strength and good feelings that I have for me and those who can appreciate them.
I hope you make a practice of going out more often with your Daughter, please don't deprive her of you. Mom will be fine, sleep or on her way to sleep. Now is the time to make good memories with your Daughter for her future, you can't get yesterday back.
Best wishes to you.
Thank you for the info. yes, I give my mom anything and everything she wants. It breaks my heart that she is not chewing, although everything is pureed, she keeps all the food in her mouth and cannot swallow anymore. Her wish is to never go to the hosp. And I have to abide by that, however, to see her not get nurishment is awful for her and I. I know if I take her into a hosp she will be placed with a feeding tube but she does not want that....that will kill her. She has the will to live and I believe that everything and everyone should be given the chance to continue. If there is a God, then my prayer for her would be to go in her sleep without pain nor suffering. My mother never has a bad bone in her body and cared for even her enemies. I never understood that. Her faith in God is unmeasurable. If there is such a place as heaven, then I know she will go there. She cannot tallk and moans alot because of that, not because she is in pain, but when she moans it's such a terrible feeling in my stomach I ask her to please stop. I can't imagine talking all your life, hearing your voice, saying I love you and then one day never to hear you voice again. I wish I could give her my voice. I keeping praying that I remain calm and patient with my mom as she was with me all my life. I know I will never be the same when she leaves me....never. But thank you for responding to my posts, I guess this happens to all of us one day or another. I still have a husband and a daughter with special needs whom I know will need my help more later than now. I guess that's my purpose in life.
I thank you again for encouraging me to ge out guilt free. I am going to give it a try again but ot too soon.
M
I do want to ask you or anyone else that might ave a similar situation, do the elderly like in th 90s sleep alt the time and does their food and drink intake slow down as well. I am getting scared as I see my mom eat and drink less. I would like to know if anyone also purees food food for their love one and how they do it
Thanks again
The past many years I have been taking care of my mom. I didn't mind ever doing what I can for her because it was done with unconditional love. However, there did come a time where I was asked by my friend that she would help out. It was great to get away. I always felt nobody can do this better than me. When I broke my arm, my friend was there for both of us. Yes, if you come across anybody who can help you out, take it with grace and don't feel guilty about. It was hard at first, and it became easier. My friend was me when I wasn't there for my mom. It takes a special person to want to be with the elderly. P at yourselves on the back. I am grateful for what I can do. Take care of yourselves first! Stay strong.
equinox
Anyway, I guess you can tell just by what I've written that my life is consumed with caring for the two people that brought me into this world, and I'm committed to being here to make their leaving life as comfortable and within their control as possible.
We as a family are in the mist of trying to plan how all this is going to happen, but I'm in this for the long haul and am not going anywhere.
Yes it is an all consuming commitment to make especially if you have a career and children of your own to raise. Getting outside help if you are in that position is an absolute must. You will not be able to do this on your own. Find out if Lutheran Social Services, or other elder care organization is available in your area. There may be elder day care services available, and respite care as well. I'm in the process of getting my mom re-evaluated and trying to push for more medications to assist her memory and behavior problems.
Sorry I know this post is long, and I guess I just vented for the day here. This site is invaluable to me. Now I REALLY know that I'm not alone in this, and that I can ask a question and get wonderful answers and suggestions to help me through this struggle.
Bless you for making the commitment to take care of your Mom. Somewhere in her mind she knows and does appreciate everything you are and will be doing for her.
Be well, Sue