My brother in law, who is 60ish, has led a very irresponsible life. He has chased get-rich schemes and women. He is a Canadian, living in America for the past 45 years. He had a Green Card but it has expired. He was passing through Texas and was staying with his brother. He was going to go to Montanna, and stop here in Colorado for two days on his way through. He uses our address as his legal address. We had limited his stay to two days, as it could have turned into a long term problem. He is a nice guy but I couldn't live with him or support him.
He had a stroke in Texas before he left there. He is now in the hospital. He has no healthcare, no Medicaid, nothing. No assets. He has improved since he had the stroke 3 days ago. However, he can not talk or use his hands. He can walk now, with a walker. He would be unable to do his own self care.
I do not know what to do. Could anyone here give me some advice? I am afraid they are going to discharge him from the hospital and he will have no where to go. His other brother who he was staying with is unable to help. However, he did get him to the hospital.
Please give me any ideas you can think of? What should I do?
My husband and I have a good marriage. However, I know, I can't care for his brother or live with him.
I hope this helps.
Lynnel
My husband told the case manager that that would be an "unsafe" discharge as you suggested in a previous post. They said they would release him to a shelter. How can they release someone who can not speak for themselves to a shelter???
Please help! Can someone give me the words to say?
My first thought was "why is this your problem?"
Personally, I would not take on his care because his situation is precarious. Not sure how Medicaid will look at this since he did have a green card at one point. You may be responsible for his care if you take him on. I really don't think with his problems her will be put out on the street. But, family members need to be firm in they cannot care for him. This will force the SW to find a resolution.
Seems BIL has lives his life his way. I'd agree to not get too involved now.
BIL will meet the people who's job it is to find services & homes for people too ill/unable to return to their homes.
If you step forward with your hand up, that could divert or stall his future & cause much trouble & stress for you & your DH.
There is no harm in keeping the same level of contact you had before his stroke. If that is calling BIL from time to time to ask how he is, do that.
These are all very helpful answers and suggestions. The other brother (the one in Texas) wants to send him to Colorado.
My husband and I are on the same page. I have given care for the past eight years, to my Mom, Dad, Aunt, Uncle and cannot take on anyone else's medical problems. I have just barely recovered. All my patients have passed on, as of 2020. Caregiving is a long and difficult journey. An epic journey........
Any other comments and suggestions are welcome!!!
Make sure you talk to DH & that both of you are on the SAME PAGE about how to proceed. Otherwise, the smooth talking social workers at the hospital or in the SNF for rehab may wind up talking your DH into taking his brother home with him!!!
If you wind up faced with the worst case scenario, BIL at your door with nowhere to go, get him set up in a cheap motel like we did with my deadbeat BIL. You mention Colorado; that's where I live too; the Denver metro area. We set my BIL up on Colfax near Aurora in a motel with a kitchenette for around $500 a month which he was able to pay with his SSI/SSDI, whatever he got, I don't remember. He was close enough to walk to King Soopers for food and cigarettes, and able to cook in his kitchenette too. He made friends with the couple who ran the motel and they'd have him over for holidays (he wanted nothing to do with the family). He died last year at 70; just keeled over in the Wal Mart parking lot one day from complications due to COPD and refusing to quit smoking. But he lived life on HIS terms & actually quite liked living in that motel. He had his video games & his cigarettes, so he was content.
I hope this all works out well for you, your DH and your BIL too. Best of luck.
What is crucial here is that no family member now take any responsibility for anything at all; otherwise the Social Services you contact will happily dump it in YOUR hands.
I am so sorry. This has to be hard to witness; but one certain thing is that you cannot sacrifice your own life, your own mind, and all of your money and energy to this. It isn't your responsibility. Many do not HAVE family. Your brother does have family but they can do little to help him other than to call Social Services today and tell them the facts for their discharge plan. If they tell you there is no Social Services then tell them you need to speak to the nurse case manager.
2. Talk to the assigned SW or discharge planner at the hospital as soon as you can. No matter what he is saying, he can NOT go to your home to recuperate and you are not going to be helping him out in any way.
3. Once he has been settled somewhere...forward his mail to him. Ask your local postmaster what you can do to get his name off of your address, as he did it without permission and has never lived with you. And never will.
It is important to be sure your husband and you are in clear agreement about taking actions to ensure he doesn't end up as your responsibility. Otherwise, the hospital staff and your brother in law will find ways to get between the two of you...staff doesn't want to get 'stuck' with him in their hospital, and it sounds like brother in law has been very capable to getting others to help him with his life.
You and your husband are not responsible for him in any way. You don't have to open your home to him. You don't have to do his caregiving. You don't have to take care of him financially. Please don't let any social workers try to railroad you into believing you are because they will certainly try to.
If he no longer has a valid green card he may get sent back to Canada.
Please ask to speak with a social worker at the hospital though. They will have to handle your BIL's situation. You don't have to.
A brother and SIL are not legally obligated to take responsibility for this man's needs and care.
Social workers from the state and probably APS ones as well, will very likely make threats and try intimidation to get the poster and her husband to agree to take the brother in.
They will also blatantly lie about them facing consequences if they refuse. They would be as the saying goes, "blowing smoke out of their a$$es". The only way the poster and her husband will have to take him in and take care of him is if they allow themselves to be strong-armed by the state. Do not back down. Do not sign anything, and do not allow intimidation tactics work. There is nothing they can do to them if they refuse to take him in and be his caregivers. They are not responsible for him and have never been his conservators/guardians.
This is NOT a concern that you OR YOUR HUSBAND should have any thought of taking on. Out of concern, if you wish to follow the course of his care, do that, from a safe distance, while saying often that you ARE NOT ABLE TO DO ANYTHING FOR HIM BUT EXPRESS YOUR CONCERN AND SYMPATHY.
Because of the address thing, I’d contact a lawyer for an opinion on what responsibility you may have because of it. If “other brother” is able to claim he is “unable to help”, make that your stance too.
BE FIRM. Find out where you stand legally.