My mother is widowed now and 74. For a while after my father died, she was stronger (he suffered with dementia for 2 years) and clearly was analytical and confident in her decisions as she got the house. Now, she is forgetting some things, mixing up names frequently, and is forgetting some conversations. She's very independent usually. But, I'm wondering if it's time to go with her on her next dr visit and make sure she has a power of attorney for health and financial issues. I don't want to put her on the defensive, but don't want her to wait too late to make some arrangements. We don't know if she's paying all her bills on time, if she's taking her medications like she needs. She has had some indicidents (that she told me about) lately where she forgot to take a med, or took double by mistake. What should we look at (my siblings and my mother) as strong indications that she is losing the edge of being able to manager everything on her own?
Her grandson is living with her and looks out for her - he's taken to her to the E/R a couple of times when she got hurt around the house, and has burned herself a couple of times in the kitchen recently. She still drives fine, and is involved in her church, and connects by phone to her sister and me every day.
My problem...sister thought i was stealing money because she saw me and mom in a bank when i visited...in short. sister would not talk so mom and i cancelled the appt with a souther ca attorney which i had made for me, mom and sister. mom had her trust updated here in SF. She made me poa and my sister #1 back up and my brother in law #2 back up. Now, i am just sick. Sis nor husband, have not seen mom in 5 years...they know nothing about her needs medical or otherwise....help, now what. I would never want them to take over my mother's care.
Again,
Thank you
I appreciate seeing other people's experiences with this complex problem.
Find a good way to say that within your own family and maybe encourage more than one person to put these documents in place... As with my family, a few people could go to an attorney and prepare these documents.
You could tell your mother you are creating your own documents and also want to make sure she has all of hers in order too. Do it with siblings or cousins. Anyone who is close enough to discuss who will be appointed to be accountable. it is my opinion that the more open you are with family now, the easier it will be later.
She might appreciate that you are doing this healthy process together as a loving family.
There are are some daily med dispensers that have alarms on them to remind us to take a dose, which might help your mom.
Might I suggest you find out if there is an Aging and Disability Resource Center in her county? The one in my mom's county has been a wonderful resource in getting mom some help. They set her up with Meals on Wheels, had lists for people who do snow shoveling and lawn mowing, home care help, rides for the elderly.....and the list goes on. They are extremely knowledgeable with all things concerning the elderly.
I also agree that an appointment for a thorough check up is a great idea. It is always a good idea to take a trusted friend or loved one along to a doctor appointment. Two can think up more questions for the doctor and remember things that are said better. Vitamin B12 deficiencies along with UTI's can cause forgetfulness or confusion. Good luck to you!
From what you describe, I think you are right to be a least moderately concerned, and that getting an assessment would be a prudent thing to do. I know this is hard, because Soozi is ALSO right ... when you're already worried, it's probably a little too easy not to give any slack for the fact that your Mom is simply human, and will make some mistakes even if nothing is really wrong. I noted this last year that Dad had missed paying some bills. Well, so had I (in my case, I tend to misplace the bill and then forget about it). But when I noticed my Dad doing it, it concerned me more -- partly because this was SO out of character for him, and partly because I didn't know whether it's just one of those mistakes anyone can make, or whether it's a symptom of a larger problem. I didn't want to "take away" his responsibilities or autonomy, but I also didn't want him to lose money to con artists, lose his long-term care insurance because he missed a payment, or incur big penalties for paying tax bills late. For a long time, we made things work by ensuring that every regular monthly bill that could be paid from his account automatically was set up to do so. I then made a list of the important "occasional" bills that don't come every month -- e.g., property tax, car insurance, and so on -- and I created accounts for him online with those entities wherever possible and made a note in my calendar of when bills for each should be due. For those bills, when I see on my calendar that one is coming up, I log into the account I created for Dad at that company and pay the bill myself.
Eventually, second-guessing myself all the way, I decided t that the short-term memory lapses and some other evidence of judgment impairment (many in the form of uncharacteristically large donations to questionable "charities" about which he could tell me nothing) were sufficient to warrant an assessment. It took a while to make that happen because of the shortage of Medicare docs in rural southern Oregon, but we did finally get a referral to a neuropsychologist, and, regrettably, a likely frontotemporal dementia diagnosis.
One more word on the POAs ... I don't know if other people have experienced this, but my Dad wasn't ready to sign these docs 4 years ago. I asked, and he politely (but firmly) demurred. Two years ago, he was ready. I think he was starting to find management of finances and such to be a little overwhelming, and wanted some help. But I don't think he would ever have brought it up to me, though, so just realize you may need to keep revisiting the question if she isn't ready yet.
Also, Suzmarie is very right. My Dad was "driving fine" until he wasn't. This is to say, he wasn't having accidents ... but I don't think he was driving with great reflexes. Four weeks ago, I went to Oregon to take him to the neuropsychologist for extensive cognitive testing. At that time, the doctor asked if he'd had any accidents driving, and we both told her (truthfully) that he hadn't. Last week, we went back to get the results of his tests. The doctor told us that the test results were indicative of frontotemporal dementia, and said he should stop driving immediately. It is worth noting that between the first visit and the second, Dad scraped the entire side of his van ($4800 worth) on the side of a building. I tell this story only to indicate that your Mom still getting where she's going when she drives doesn't necessarily mean she's driving WELL. The grandson who lives with her may have a better sense of her reflexes and driving skills if she chauffeurs him anywhere, of course ... you're lucky to have some "eyes on the ground."
Hope I didn't meander too much here ... bottom line, I think your concerns are reasonable and that an assessment wouldn't be out of line. If you don't have the POAs for finances and health care already in place, I urge you to get them done now. Even if you don't use them for years, you'll be very, very glad to have them when you need them.
Sorry but I would be too worried about her hurting herself or someone else or worse.
It does sound like she's slipping. With her grandson living there, she has someone to look out for her now, but it would be good if she'd let you go to the doctor with her. Since she's admitted to forgetting meds, she maybe won't be too resistant, but I'd frame it as a general checkup. There are many issues, including medication interactions and low grade infections such as a UTI that can cause the symptoms she is having. If she understands that she may cooperate.
Good luck,
Carol