Although I have thought about a future after my parents have passed away, it has been a daily thing over the last eighteen months. With my mother's decline into the sad hell of dementia and move to a nursing home I can feel that future hanging over my head. When that future arrives I have two siblings (out of four) that will find themselves in a very lonely world. A world where nobody is putting them before their own interest as my parents have done all their lives. My brother has left several times but has always returned to his safe harbor. My sister has destroyed the house (hoarder in training) that my parents allow her to live in. The rent they charge her doesn't even cover her bills.
If our parents pass within a year of each other my siblings will look to me and all they will see is the cloud of dust as I roadrunner my way out of here.
I understand your pain and your worry. I have a brother who literally never left home. He has helped my parents, but also manipulated them, spent a lot of their money and exposed them to unnecessary risk by executing financial transactions in their names. Among other things. The situation is not black and white. But I digress. Many of us have these long histories with our siblings, memories of dark or chaotic times and tender flanks that we need to protect. Parents may have done their best but enabled lots of unhealthy dependency, out of shame or a desire to avoid conflict with a volatile personality. All of that can limit our own vision of how people may or may not have evolved, and what is critical for the current situation. I have yet to master the calm acceptance of my own situation, but I remind myself regularly not to project too far into the future. Doing that assumes I'm fully in charge of all these other adults, and that I know what the future will bring. But I'm not and I don't. I AM capable of behaving with kindness and making good, decisions now, based on what is happening now. I am capable of setting my own boundaries and accepting the consequences of those boundaries.
Don't take on the burden of worrying for your siblings. That was your parents' job when they raised you all. You're all responsible for yourselves now. You get to decide how much or how little of them you want in your life going forward.
Good luck!
Make people responsible for themselves and some will rise to the occasion.
My oldest brother, who is younger than me, has only had a car twice in his life. He has always had to rely on public transportation or beg people to give him a ride - because he refuses to get a full-time job - only part time - in a very seasonal profession. He is a floral designer. And has never worked for high end florists because they want someone to work full time. So he has always been short on cash. Although, he doesn’t manage his money well even when he does have it.
Fast forward to him and his partner moving to the same city as my mother and I. She had been living with me for 9 months because she was not taking her meds, was not eating, and began having falls. It almost wrecked my marriage.
My brother moved into my mother’s house with the express order that he didn’t have to pay rent in exchange for taking care of mom. I took care of all of mom’s affairs, including maintenance on her house and one acre property all by myself while working 40-50 hours a week for 7 years. I was exhausted, but received no offer for help from my two brothers. It was way overdue that someone else took on some of that responsibility.
My youngest brother passed away last year and as soon as older brother found out about the life insurance, before youngest had even been moved to hospice, how him, me, and my mom should split the money equally. Mom was the only beneficiary and he tried to talk her into giving him “his share”. That went nowhere since I am her POA.
Mom has had some major health issues the past couple of months that left me feeling she was at the end of life.
I warned my brother he should start thinking how he is going to support himself and pay for the house expenses and food when mom is gone. He insists he wants to stay in the house. I pay mom’s bills out of her account. Currently, mom is paying for groceries and brother and his partner pay $200 /mo for utilities. Here it is the 19th of April, and I still haven’t received the $200 for this month - due on the 1st.
He is like dealing with a child and I know he will look to me to replace mom when she is gone. I have already told him I’m not supporting him. My husband and I have already done more than our share in helping them with the house that needed some repairs. He calls almost daily asking how to do something. If something goes on with mom, he calls me 10 times a day to discuss the same thing over and over - so half the time I don’t take his calls. Most of the time, he doesn’t leave a message. So I don’t bother calling back.
This has been going on for almost a year now. I have had it!
He will say he understands I can’t support him and won’t, but when the time comes - I’m sure he will think I’m being mean. I don’t care.
It is a horrible spot to be in. I love my brother, so it isn't the end of the world, but my retirement plans are gone with the wind and I know I harbor resentment over that. My plan was to travel and spend winters in a warmer climate. I worked very hard all my life to be able to enjoy retirement the way I wanted too. I can not do this with the responsiblity I have. I do try to get away for a week each year, but that is getting difficult due to his medical conditions along with the dementia. i.e. he has lost 60lbs of fluids. His dentures literally fall out of his mouth. I have told them on 2 quarterly's that he needs either a new set of relines. He eats in his room every meal and they do not see how he tries to chew. As soon as the surgeon says he can walk a little on his amputation foot I am taking him to an outside dentist for new dentures... I have been searching for a nursing home that has superior monitoring systems, but they are few and far between. If he had straight out dementia I wouldn't worry like I do and won't leave him because he requires more care than they can give. So, we are on the waiting lists...some are 2 years out, but I put him on anyway.
Bottom line is, if you want to help your siblings - do it, but do it because YOU want to. If you don't, don't do it. I would discuss it now and set up perimaters and guidlines should you decide to try helping them and guidelines if you don't. Also, put whatever you discuss on paper with both their signatures and yours. I am guessing money and living arrangements would be involved with caring for them. (I am on my own with that one...our stepmother also took us out of the will.) I think being prepared will help make your decision easier. Do not feel guilty if you decide not to. You are not responsible for them. Your parents are just that - parents - parents do whatever "they" feel is necessary for their kids forever. Stay in control and try not too worry. You have lots of support here.
Amen, Amen and Amen!!! I had the same with oldest brother who was a drug addict. It was hell as a child, hell as an adult. It’s heartbreaking for everyone. He is dead now. I loved him as a brother. I hated the addict. We cannot support our siblings. Expensive enough to support our own family!
https://www.elderlawanswers.com/medicaids-power-to-recoup-benefits-paid-estate-recovery-and-liens-12018
I worry about where she'll be when her folks pass ... the one we share is in their 80s and I'm not sure about the other one -- in SNF after a severe bout of alcohol poisoning and has had medical problems that put them in the ER. I have a husband with chronic medical problems and a mother in law who is in AL at the age of 91. I don't have a lot of mental or physical resources (never mind the financial ones) to take on another set of problems. I guess that sounds selfish. I'm sorry.
Makes sense.
You have then given it to them straight. So when they come begging, just smile. 😁 Really, I don't think you'd allow them to starve. You can just point them in the right directions. Here's the Food Closets in town. Here is Social Service.
Executor, is assigned in the Will
If no Executor assigned or no will a family Member or a lawyer can be assigned by Probate to become am Administrator. Who I think has the same responsibilities as an Executor.
Affidavit, is if estate is under 20k (in NJ), no probate involved.
Please explain the difference of an administrator and executor. Any advantage to either of them? Thanks.
Unfortunately, some never respond to a wake up call. My brother had many ‘wake up’ calls in his life.
You would think 7 years of prison would have been a giant wake up call! You would think overdosing would have done it!
You would think a horrible accident where he just about died would have made a difference! You would think loosing your wife and kids would have been enough, right?
You would think having your son attempt suicide would do it, huh? My nephew later did hang himself. And on and on and on.
His drug problem was bigger than any wake up call. Much larger than he was. So devastating to me. Sometimes I am overcome with sadness. I have to distract myself or I would remain in the dark place that was my fate as a child but as an adult I have choices!
It's very unusual not to appoint an executor as part of a formal will. Are you sure about that?
I'm just wondering what came up that made you ask this particular question right now.
People handle these things in different ways. It’s a personal choice.
It isn't that I think you owe them anything, not a bit of it. But if you can do them some good without its costing you money or trouble, why wouldn't you?
What is the significance of your parents' potentially passing within a year of one another, just by the way? Is this to do with mirror wills, or something? What happens if one lives longer than that?
But would siblings listen? That’s the real question. Some of us have spoken until we are blue in the face to siblings and are never heard. Then it’s time to give up, for our own sanity.
EXACTLY! Thanks for saying what so many of us go through.