I'm asking this on behalf of my mother who is married to my stepfather, he had 2 massive strokes 8 years ago and was paralyzed on his left side speech impaired, etc. She has been his sole caregiver 24/7 since then and within the last 6 months he has made up his mind that he no longer wants to live and in-turn has turned into a monster (extremely verbally abusive), taking every bit of his anger out on my mom. She has reached her breaking point on multiple occasions and is now seriously considering divorcing him and putting him in a home. He is in his mid 60's with no able-bodied siblings to take him in (2 sisters in their 70's). Does anyone have advice on steps to take with turning him over to the state? Is she required to divorce him prior to doing so? She is almost unable to lift him due to muscle loss for refusing to do physical therapy. He used to be able to help you a bit to transfer him from place to place but now it is like dead weight and she's doing it day in and day out. Any advice is appreciated more than you know.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot. Maybe Mom just needs to put her foot down and become very proactive. That, also is easier said than done. Married women our age were told to put up and shut up and honor and serve our husbands. We know that Dad is beyond being helped at home. No matter what his issues are, he needs constant medical supervision and monitoring which is beyond what Mom can do. He needs a professional team/staff to medicate him for pain, two-person lift him and care for his hygiene, and to be in a place where they have all the equipment to do so quickly and efficiently. If he acts out, they will put him in an Alzheimer’s unit. No matter what opinions we have or how we feel, these are the facts. I hope it all works out for the best for everyone involved. Xxoo
On the other hand, it might well have had an impact on your alertness to and anxieties about how his care plan would develop once you're committed elsewhere. Don't go taking subconscious responsibility for things that are not your responsibility, will you?
Those two sisters in their seventies... There are other things they could be doing to help a long way short of having to "take in" their brother. How does your mother get on with them?
Hugs and hang in there.
First SD who just wants an end to his current situation and sees death as the only way out. Then there is Mom who has devoted the past eight years tolerating an unsatisfactory situation. Unfortunately I There are many people who can not think of a solution but turning him over to the State ddoes not seem a valid solution.
There are many people who divorce so that the needy spouse is left with very little moneyand there for qualifies the sick spouse for financial help, As long as there is no illegal transfer of funds before the divorce SD should be OK, Can Mom live on whatever icome she will be left with and are there family members who are available to help out.
Your stepfather doesn't just need psychological therapies, he needs critical psychiatric help, surely?
And your mother needs respite. I realise that money doesn't grow on trees, but is there any way she can hire care and get away for a week or two?
Of course I don’t wish your father another 20 or more years in his personal Hell. But when an out-of-control semi-truck is bearing down on some innocent person, do you feel sorry for the truck?
I’m worried about more than your mom’s “feelings”, as I know you are. My husband is not verbally abusive, but is bedridden and I am rapidly coming to the end of my physical and mental rope. After 5 years of 24/7 care, doing everything but feeding him, my body is breaking down. Sure I feel bad for him. He does nothing but lie in bed, pee, poop (with help), watch TV and eat. I wish I had you to watch out for me!
I send hugs and prayers that your mom is able to follow the proper channels and get your SF somewhere where he can be cared for without compromising her health and well-being.
If I were in his shoes, I wouldn't want to live like that for the next 20 years. What could I legally do to end it all?
Can mom record the violent verbal attacks? If he threatens her she can call 911 and have police dispatched, that might get a psych eval.
Ask if her state has a safe release plan law, if they do she can say that their home is no longer an option for him. She is unable to care for him, period. She doesn't need to explain herself, just that she can not care for him and will not be safe at home. I personally was pressured and they tried to shame and guilt me into taking my dad. Nice try but no way, I CAN NOT TAKE CARE OF HIM. I had to repeat myself daily, multiple times for over a week. Tell her to stay strong, don't buy into their manipulations and get this guy into a facility that can deal with him.
Good luck getting this all sorted out and getting mom safe.
I know of people who have separated in order to place their spouse.