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My Mom has CoPD and has declined in the last few days; low heart rate and low oxygen sats. She says she knows she's dying and has given me funeral requests. Does she in fact, really know if she is dying?
On one night my Mom called 2x me pleading for me to come over to hospice to be with her her cause she said that she didn't think that she would live very long and that she is dying soon. Very wrongly, I thought it was the alzheimers again, as many other people told me. I listened to the wrong people instead of listening to what my heart was telling me. But I was wrong. And it has been the bane of my life since then. She passed 4 days later. I spent the nights at hospice next to her bed after the call and was there holding her when she passed. So yes, I do believe that they have some kind of clue or whatever you want to call it that they know that they are going to pass soon. So please if you can, listen to what your parents tell you about these things. And try your best to be there when they tell you that. It may not be for several days or even right away, but I do believe that they know. My Mom did.
I am sorry to hear this, Sandelu. Your mother most likely does know that she is dying. She doesn't know exactly when it will be, but she knows it will be sometime in the near future. It is good that she is helping to make her final arrangements. It will make things easier for you. I hope you are able to just listen to her and enjoy your time with her while she is here.
My mother kept asking to go HOME. I couldn't figure out I thought that it meant a home that she had in the past. then she started asking for her mom and dad, but she had many medical problems so I figured it was the alzheimers.But home was going to the other side to be with the Lord and family. Watch her legs and her body for blotches that is a sign of near death alos dehydration. If she doesn't want to eat or drink is another sign. It's different with everyone but maybe this will helo a little. Mom had hospice and I learned a lot working with them. They are fantastic. Yes, I believe they know when the end is near, their eyes change.
Sandelu, I have worked with a large number of elderly who have indeed been correct when they have said they were dying. I also worked with one woman who called me every Friday afternoon for two years to say goodbye because she "wouldn't be there on Monday" It's impossible to know what will actually happen in your mother's case. She is elderly and has a complicated health history and she, as will all of us, die at some point. It is likely comforting for her to tie up these last details and it may bring her a sense of peace. My suggestion is to make not of her wishes so you can refer to them when the time comes. In the meantime try not to panic and enjoy some extra time with her.
janethend, of course you don't want to let him go. And, yes, that is selfish, but it sure is also natural! You do need to talk with someone. Come here as often as you like! Do you have a close friend or a cousin to talk with? That could help. Even if the person lives hundreds of miles away, email and phone calls can be very comforting.
It is the natural order of things for all of us to lose our parents. (It is especially sad when the reverse happens, and a parent loses a child.) At 83 and with a serious medical condition your father is very wise to be thinking ahead with the 5 Wishes (healthcare directive) and to be considering hospice. It is kind of a shocking wake-up call to you, but many people on this site would really appreciate it if their parent took that step. He must love you to give you that information and reduce the decisions you'll have to make. And, as you say, he is intelligent.
It is good you can talk to him every day. Give him plenty of time to get his words out, and perhaps be prepared to do most of the talking.
I too believe they feel/know that their time here with us is coming to an end. I have seen it with my MIL and then with my husband. Something in their overall appearance and demeanor changes, besides eating and drinking less and less. Since my husband could not speak anymore, it was the searching look, the moving of the hands. I just held his hands and kept talking to him when he became restless. I also told him if he was ready to go, not to worry about me, I would be fine, which made him visibly relax. He closed his eyes, and held on to my hand. It's one of the hardest thing to do, but I felt he needed to know - that it was alright and not to struggle. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Yes, many of them do. It sounds as if your Mom has this knowledge as well. It could also be the result of her physical decline at this particular time, which would naturally cause her to feel very ill. As a nurse, I have experienced many times with a very ill or not so very ill patient informing me of angels in the room, deceased loved ones visiting or in the room, and or Jesus there (if they are believers). In every case when this happened, I can say without fail, that the person passed within 24 hours to at the most a week. Your Mom may be facing what she knows will come to pass and want to take care of some things, so that you are spared having to do this. My heart is with you, as my own Mother passed in January. She had similar experiences over the final month and week of her earthly life. Good advice from the person below---let her know you are with her and will help her with this.
My dad passed in October 2011. 5 days before he passed, he took the opportunity to say his goodbyes to my sis, bro and myself. Each was specific and individual and he was the clearest he had been in weeks, even had his old sparkle in his clear blue eyes. After he was done he said he wanted to rest. About a half an hour later he was trying to get out of bed. When I asked him where he was going, he said the burial ground. The hospice nurse asked him where he thought he was and he said the funeral home. He had been talking to friends and family that had passed for 3-4 weeks before he passed. And he too kept insisting he needed to go home - not the home he lived in but his home on the other side. It was very strange to watch, to live through and yet I'm so glad I was there with him because he always felt safe with me so I know he wasn't afraid. My suggestion would be to write down anything they may say during that time - I so wish I had written word for word what dad said to me in his goodbye. I now realize I wasn't facing the reality of the situation. He'd had many close calls but always came out of it. What I didn't pay attention to was that this was the first time he ever said goodbye. God bless all of you ~ Kuli
Sandelu, I wonder the same thing myself sometimes. We are planning family trips or just trips for my mom and she will say I just don't know. Then she says, I just don't know if I will be around.
Sometimes, I think my mom knows more than I do in that respect. I do my best to make sure she has what she is suppose to have to be healthy. But as my mom put it one day, she can still be healthy and pass on.
I am not happy about the thought, but my mom has outlived the age of her parents, 3 siblings and she has other siblings in far worse health. So I struggle with is mom saying it because of her age or because she knows she is dying.
I would allow your mom to have a say in her funeral, some parents plan them so the children do not have to worry about them.
I wish I had a concrete answer for you, but my mom says similar comments but my mom doesn't say anything about funeral arrangements just about not being here.
Good luck to you, I say a prayer everyday for all caregivers everywhere, they deserve gold stars in my book.
My mom called me in the day before she died. She was very anxious and worried. She had me call her financial advisor and told me where to find plans for her funeral, etc. I finally calmed her enough to help her get dressed and took her out to the garden where she ate a couple spoonfuls of ice cream. The next day my sister's family from London came to visit her. They went out for lunch and when they got back my mother was gone. God bless her. It's been 6 years and I miss her so much!!!!
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
It's impossible to know what will actually happen in your mother's case. She is elderly and has a complicated health history and she, as will all of us, die at some point. It is likely comforting for her to tie up these last details and it may bring her a sense of peace. My suggestion is to make not of her wishes so you can refer to them when the time comes. In the meantime try not to panic and enjoy some extra time with her.
It is the natural order of things for all of us to lose our parents. (It is especially sad when the reverse happens, and a parent loses a child.) At 83 and with a serious medical condition your father is very wise to be thinking ahead with the 5 Wishes (healthcare directive) and to be considering hospice. It is kind of a shocking wake-up call to you, but many people on this site would really appreciate it if their parent took that step. He must love you to give you that information and reduce the decisions you'll have to make. And, as you say, he is intelligent.
It is good you can talk to him every day. Give him plenty of time to get his words out, and perhaps be prepared to do most of the talking.
Hugs to you.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Sometimes, I think my mom knows more than I do in that respect. I do my best to make sure she has what she is suppose to have to be healthy. But as my mom put it one day, she can still be healthy and pass on.
I am not happy about the thought, but my mom has outlived the age of her parents, 3 siblings and she has other siblings in far worse health. So I struggle with is mom saying it because of her age or because she knows she is dying.
I would allow your mom to have a say in her funeral, some parents plan them so the children do not have to worry about them.
I wish I had a concrete answer for you, but my mom says similar comments but my mom doesn't say anything about funeral arrangements just about not being here.
Good luck to you, I say a prayer everyday for all caregivers everywhere, they deserve gold stars in my book.
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