My name is Jordan. My dad has a history of strokes that has led to the diagnosis of dementia. I am my dad’s only child. We reside in MD.
Important information prior to reading:
-Due to my dad’s quick decline in health, he made a living will during a time when I wasn’t present in him life. (More info below). My dad’s sister (who he never had a good relationship with) is the POA.
- My dad is considered ‘sound minded,’ but with that said:
- he has cognitive-communication deficits. He communicates best with promoting and visuals. He says enough to get his point across, but his dysarthria makes it very slow and often slurred.
- he has limited mobility so he can’t get anywhere independently. Especially steps. This is a problem because in both homes (his home and where his sister lives, he stays in the basement). Most of his hospital stays are due to falls.
- He no longer has a cell phone and the home phone is upstairs. Even if he could access the phone, he doesn’t have a phone with his contacts.
- I KNOW my dad has expressed to them that he wants to see me, but they are ignoring his wishes.
My dad’s cousin from VA talks to my dad every Sunday. She had warned be that ever since his Covid diagnosis in 2021x my dad’s expressive speech was significant impaired. On Sunday, March 12th, when she called my dad, his mother (age 97) answered. My dad’s mother told her that he fell and was in a nursing home. Once I found out the nursing home, I went to see him. We haven’t seen each other since 2017 because his psychotic ex wife wished death upon my unborn child in 2017 This was after years of tolerating her harassment just because I love my dad .
Our reunification was beautiful. He said he hoped I could forget the past. He met his grandchildren a few days later. It was everything I had hoped for. I spent so much time with him in those 12 days.
My dad made it very clear that he wanted to continue our relationship. He also made this very clear to his sister (where he stays a lot of his time) and his mom (who lives with my dad at his house) that he wanted to see me once he was home.
Sadly, my dad’s mom and sister have never liked me. They always looked at me as my ‘mom’s child.” Sadly, not ONE person in my family likes or trusts his sister as his POA. My cousin, her son, even refers to her as ‘the devil’ :(. My dad even expressed to me that he knows his sister is just out for herself and just wants his estate. I did not prompt this whatsoever. Apparently before he told me this, his sister came to the nursing home saying that he could either choose her and his mom, or me. My dad would NEVER choose ANYONE over his mother.
I called them before my dad’s discharge to thank them for all they’ve done to help with my dad and that I’d like to figure out a time or schedule when I could continue seeing my dad after he was discharged. They never returned my calls. Sadly, I can’t call him directly because of him not having a phone. My dad also has had his license taken away due to his health.
Well, he was discharged March 24th to his sister’s home. My dad thought he was going ti be discharged to his home. They blocked my number. It’s the point, where his sister won’t even let ANY family members who call her home talk to her mother OR my dad. I went to my dad’s sister’s house nine days after he was discharged and after NOBODY being able to talk to him. She would not let me in and said ‘they were busy.’ I had a well check done, and he was ok. I knew he was physically ok, but it’s the psychological aspect that I worry about.
Lawyers have made it seem like filing for guardianship is my only option. My dad is not at that point yet. Even if my dad wanted to change his POA to me, I can’t PHYSICALLY see him to do that. Sadly, our family thinks that’s why his sister is isolating him. Any suggestions?
And though I got a bit lost in the weeds of all of this I think you did say that your father remains competent? So he did choose his POA, your aunt, and has not withdrawn her as same.
It is always so difficult when family chooses to fight over the living body of a weakened elder. You said your father was thrilled with reconciliation with you, and I believe you. But your Aunt is his POA and seems firmly in control. And a 10,000 fight might be beyond you.
I myself would first make an honest try at healing the breach with Aunt and Sis. I would tell them you love your Dad and wish only to make his last days quality. That you would happily visit him ONLY with their supervision. That you would love him to see his grands in his last time. Offer support, shopping, appointment transportation, and respite if they would like it.
If this doesn't work ask if they would consider mediation.
If that doesn't work I would ask to see APS, ask for a wellness check, and ask them to ask your father if he wishes to see you. They may be able to arrange accompanied visits for you.
Again, it is always so sad to see these family situations. That you aren't alone will be little comfort to you. I surely do wish you the best and hope that you will update us. I am quite sad for you.
Right now, fighting for guardianship isn’t an option because my dad is competent. He is not ready for a guardian. The lawyers just didn’t seem optimistic. Both of these lawyers gave this advice during their free consultations. I have a paid consultation in two weeks with a different lawyer to see my options. My dad would most likely assign me as his POA at this point, but has NO way to contact me or see me to do it.
I wondered in APS could be used as a bridge between my dad and me. I’ve never gone through APS before, so wasn’t sure their check would be more detailed than the police well check . I know for a fact that if APS asked my dad if he wanted to see me, he would say yes. If not, then that would be what I needed to know to not pursue this. But after the conversations my dad had I have had, he has never had so much joy than when he’s been with me.
If ur Dad is competent, then his sister has no control. Even with and Immediate POA, the principle IMO still has a say. And is living in a basement safe for him? It better have a 2nd way out in case of fire.
Dad can also revoke sister's POA and assign u if he is competent.
You need to determine how far you want to go with this. I would call APS and ask to evaluate his living conditions at his sister's home. APS also needs to talk to him alone to find out what he wants. You need to tell them sister has given him an ultimatum. If APS finds the living conditions are OK, ask if there was a 2nd way out. If not, call the code office and see if the apt is legal.
I really don't think, though, u want to cause trouble, you just want to see ur father. If I am right, ask the lawyer can't your Aunt be written a letter saying her POA does not give her the right to ban a child from seeing a father or the principle seeing daughter.
I feel they keep everything from my dad to make him believe he is less competent than he truly is. It’s been sad to watch. He only has his sister and his mom. Having me, my husband, 5- year-old, and 2-year-old would bring him so much happiness. Actually, the smile he has on his face when he held my my dad had on his face when he held my son on
hid lap is what keeps me wanting to fight for my right to spend time with my him. I love him so much. I took time off from work (which I never do) so i could spend as much time as possible with him, get him clothes, electric razor, body wash, Deodorant, and others things because he went to the nursing home with just pajama pants.
I wondered in APS could be used as a bridge between my dad and me. I’ve never needed them, so wasn’t sure their check would be more detailed than the police well check . I know for a fact that if APS asked my dad if he wanted to see me, he would say yes. If not (which after those 12 days, I truly don’t think he would say no), then that would be what I needed to know to not pursue this.
Try sister first. Tell her that you feel quite desperate at this time that you cannot see your Dad, and you are worried for and about him. Let her know that you want to ask her first if you can see him, even if supervised, but that if she will not allow that you will have to take further action, something you hope not to have to do.
If she says no you can tell APS you asked nicely, even for supervised visit if that would help them allow your visits, and were told no, and at this point you are truly concerned as to why he is being kept from you. You can ask for a welfare check on him. Ask if they will intercede to let you visit your Dad. Again, sure do wish you luck.
I gave them six days before I tried calling for the first time. When I called My aunt’s (dad’s sister) house, a recording came on that my number had been blocked. I tried calling my grandmom’s cell phone and it went right to voicemail, so I left a caring voicemail. I continued to do this four days.
On Sunday, I physically went to my aunt’s house. She came out ti the porch and told me they were busy and I couldn’t see my dad. I was calm, even though I was dying inside. I called for a well check and the police said my dad was healthy. The police officers didn’t seem to worry about the isolation fact, since that’s not really their scope of concern.
If you can prevail upon your aunt to have him tested by a CREDENTIALED (ASHA-CCC Speech/language) therapist with GERIATRIC EXPERIENCE/TRAINING, you may be able to place yourself on firmer ground with your desire to see him face to face.
If a thorough aphasia/dysarthria eval reveals that his cognitive skills are relatively intact FOR HIS AGE AND CONDITION, you MAY be able to convince your aunt and/or an attorney, that you are entitled to know how he himself feels at present about the care he is receiving.
My mother had a brutally severe left hemisphere stroke at 85, and REHABBED HERSELF, to return home for 5 more years.
Go for the language eval and see what happens. Nothing to lose so give it a shot.
Best of luck to you and your father.
I actually sent this to our family member in regards to all of this:
“So, I’ve been thinking of this at a different angle. As an educator, I have to comply with IDEA (Individuals with Disabilities Act). When children are diagnosed with one or more disabilities, students are drafted with an IEP or 504. This follows them wherever they go to school. Educators or adults who interact with that child need to be made aware of their disability and learning goals. In return, they receive special accommodations and modifications to help them be most successful. In many cases, students have disabilities that effect their cognitive impairment (like me dad) gross motor (like my dad- which is why he has physical therapy), fine motor (which is why he needs occupational therapy), and most importantly speech (this can be in both expressive and receptive language, which is why my dad received speech therapy). So, regardless if I call Adult Services to go in and discuss what he wants or if he is happy, or how is is...how are they able to get his true answer when they don’t even know what is wrong with him in order how to communicate with him? In the paperwork, it says he needs visuals and prompting to express his wants and needs. Visuals and prompts are both aids are what he needs to communicate to his full capacity”
I had questions about a very specific situation several years ago - but it was absolutely NOT a visit worthy situation at all. I needed to know what, if any, legal ramifications there were if we hired 24/7 caregivers for my competent but stubborn FIL while all of his regular in home and back up caregivers were out of town for a wedding that he wasn't able to attend and he pulled a fast one on us. We were incredibly concerned that he would wait until we got to our destination, an 8 hour drive away, and then fire them. And call us and tell us he was home alone with no help. We had already paid for a rental home, wedding clothes, all of the expenses that go with a week long vacation. And it was the wedding of my nephew, the son of SIL/BIL who are his primary caregivers. So NO ONE was going to come back 8 hours to take care of him.
The people that I talked to spent a lot of time reassuring me that because he was competent, he had the right to make those choices - no matter how stupid - and that we were not in any way legally responsible for him if he did. That there were consequences for his actions.
My point in that little sidetrack story is this - you can call and talk to them about your situation without even giving them your name and ask for advice if it makes you more comfortable - to begin with. Once you have done that and understand what will happen next it might make you feel better about the process.
This situation is very sad. It sounds like things have been repaired and that you aunt and grandmother are continuing to try to make things very difficult - because they are used to controlling things. It certainly cannot hurt to have APS make a welfare check and ask your father what his wishes are.
As you said, if he says he wants your help - you can get him the help he needs. If he says he doesn't, then you have your answer. But there are a lot of things that could potentially help your father if he wasn't isolated in that house the way he is. And being around his grandchildren - according to my mother LOL - is rejuvenating for the soul!
i LOVE my dad. I know he loves me too. We could not stop holding hands. When I cried in fear that this isolation from me would happen, he tried to sit his aching body up to hug and pull me in. I just can’t stop replaying that fatherly instinct in my mind. Even though a few years have passed, he still felt that need to nurture and love me. I know I’ll need therapy after our reunification. Especially after them keeping him from all of us. There are just so many touching moments that have happened between us during his time in the nursing home that I will never forget.
It may be one where you do what you can, but that may be limited to many factors.
If Dad has dementia diagnosed he may.not be deemed capable of assigning a new POA. Guardianship would be needed. Then.it comes.down to who can advocate & care for him better from the Guardian applicants. Adult child may trump a sibling, but the fact he asigned his sister POA would weight I imagine.
Your may have rights to see your Dad. But as he is in your Aunt home, she has rights of who she lets into her home
Dad can decide who can / who cannot visit him but the challenge may be for him to communicate this.
I image you will need legal counsel to assist.
I've heard these types of situations going both ways. Being granted visitation rights (sometimes supervised by a social worker). But also not granted - due to the visits being shown to upset the elder.
What will be in Dad's best interest will probably should be used as the priority.
I hope you can find a resolution that works for ALL of you.
I'd talk to a lawyer and see what they advise on that front, not the guardianship angle. The lawyer could write a strongly-worded letter regarding the legality of keeping a person "captive" and isolated from his nearest relative. Perhaps Adult Protective Services can weigh in as well.
How did your reaching out to APS go?
And APS. Good advice. Gena/Touch Matters
Since it’s your Aunt’s house she doesn’t have to let you in to see him. I couldn’t see my mom for 3 years until she went into a nursing home & then only with the help of Alliance for long term caregiving. They’re like an ombudsman for the elderly & their families.
I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this & wish you all the best.
There must be some reason for your aunt has for keeping family separated. Your father has dementia. The funny thing about dementia is the patient will communicate one thing, and then act another. Also, a very common thing is to express unhappiness…with living sitch, with caretakers etc. However, that unhappiness is not exactly true. For example, they will beg to “go home”…yet if they were taken home they’d be still unhappy…it’s not like they remember. Nothing is, because they have dementia and their mind is playing tricks on them.
The first thing you say is about your Dad making a living will. And that he’s never had a good relationship with your Aunt, yet she’s now POA. Further you say your Dad is “sound minded”…well, he’s not if he has a diagnosis of dementia. Sounds like you haven’t been able to see your Dad since 2017. A lot can happen in 6 yrs. Since dementia is progressive, your Dad may not be able to communicate well, if at all.
Perhaps your father becomes agitated easily and your aunt is trying to keep things routine for him.
I understand you want to see your Dad. However after 2 lawyers and looking for a third, and having your calls blocked, having a well check come out ok, you may want to regroup and back off a bit.
You mentioned filing for guardianship is your only choice, yet you don’t think your Dad is ready for that. But if he’s had dementia for 6 yrs, he maybe pretty out of it. If you want to “take over” as your Dads guardian, then file. It’s a huge responsibility. Does your Aunt have a caretaker at the home to help her with your Dad? One person cannot do all the caretaking.
All I’m saying is that there are 2 sides to every story. For your family’s stake, try and see both sides and try to work with your Aunt for your Dads sake. As a show of good faith, maybe pay for a caretaker to help you Dad and Aunt.
I wish you luck. It’s bad enough to deal with dementia and then have all this drama on top. Is your Dads estate at the root of all this? 6 yrs is along time to spend trying to see your Dad. I’m glad you and he had a nice visit when you did see him. Sadly, you must be prepared - he is may not the same anymore.
I know that things may have progressed since your last writing.
My thought: "IF" (or as) your dad is deemed competent by an MD, as you initially indicated, he could change his POA.
Read the POA.
It doesn't have any language, legally, stating that anyone cannot visit or see your dad. This is why you need an attorney, in my opinion.
Gena / Touch Matters
https://aging.maryland.gov/Pages/default.aspx
https://www.maryland.gov/pages/residents.aspx?view=Senior%20Citizens
Can he use an iPad with a phone in it? Go to the Apple Store to see what features they have for elderly clients.
Otherwise, if me, I'd call an attorney and ask for a way to do visitations with him. Don't visit with others while you're there - directly downstairs, do your visit and go.
A POA is supposed to help with financial or legal decisions for you - not seclude you from your parent.
Hiring an attorney and letting the court assign a Guardian (whether you or a public Guardian) or take whatever action is necessary to enhance your father's life, is the best advice - in my opinion.
A POA is a document that gives someone else the right to make specific kinds of decisions IF you cannot or IF you direct them to do so. A guardian is someone who takes control and makes decisions for someone, presumable in that person's best interest.
Beyond legal intervention, it doesn't seem that you or your father desires will be met. It sounds like his sister is just mean and cruel.
An elderly grandmother was prevented from communicating or visiting with us by a parent's second spouse because this second spouse, which I will call the witch, did not like us. This went against the grandmother's wishes as my husband was an only grandchild and very much loved by his grandmother. The deceased parent had turned all legal matters of his mother over to the witch. We were able to slip into the assisted living facility where she lived through a back door and go undetected for a few hours. We got a NC lawyer involved and the ALF called the witch when our lawyer showed up. The witch chased the lawyer away when she was trying to talk to the grandmother. We thought the lawyer to be rather spineless. The lawyer told us there was nothing we could do to contest the situation in NC. The assisted living facility seemed to be legally bound to do whatever the witch said because of the legal papers that were there (we don't know what was in those legal papers, but the ALF was doing the witch's bidding and not allowing us to communicate with the grandmother and reporting visitors to her.) We doubt the grandmother had any idea of what was in the legal papers. We were never even informed of this grandmother's passing six months later.
The point is, some states don't have the laws to help you. If your father wants to see you, he should be able. It sounds as if he is being held prisoner in your sister's house. She has no moral right to do this, but as we found out, she might be legally allowed to do this. And since it is her house, uninvited guests are trespassers. You need to check with the laws to see if anyone has any rights besides your sister.