Follow
Share

My mother is 83 and in good health. Mild cognitive decline but still pretty sharp. She and her husband are constantly talking about how I should move in or have them move in with me whenever they get to the age that they’re not able to care for themselves in their home. I have told them I have no intention of doing either. Then they say “well please promise to never put us in a nursing home”. That’s not a promise I can make. I cannot predict the future and their health. I hope they can live their lives independently right up until the end but things happen and circumstances change. How can I make this clear to them without sounding harsh or uncaring?My husband and I plan to retire in 4 years (we’ll be 62) and hope to travel and enjoy our retirement not become full time caregivers. My mom and her husband have already enjoyed their retirement and traveling when they were my age. I think it’s unfair of them to expect this from me.

Find Care & Housing
I think the best response is for you to ask “promise me you will die before you become unable to care for yourselves in your own home”. It’s a conversation stopper, but it’s also a very fair counter-request.
Helpful Answer (33)
Reply to MargaretMcKen
Report
Slartibartfast Mar 10, 2026
Love this
(7)
Report
See 2 more replies
Right from the get-go I told my parents I'd be doing no hands on caregiving or cohabitating with them in their old age. As soon as my mother said the words, "we can live with YOU when we get old" I shut down that notion immediately and told them it would be Independent Senior Living, then Assisted Living or Skilled Nursing care as required. What I did promise was to always help them and be their advocates for life, which I did for over 10 yrs while they lived in IL, then AL and then Memory Care for mom.

Know your limits. Be honest. Tell your folks the truth now and save everybody a ton of headaches and tears later on.

Best of luck to you.
Helpful Answer (18)
Reply to lealonnie1
Report

I made that promise to my mother some 20-30 years ago. When she had a stroke at 87 last year, I had no choice. It absolutely broke my heart. My advice is: Don't set yourself up for heartbreak. Don't make promises you can't keep.
Helpful Answer (17)
Reply to mgrylls
Report
France1956 Mar 13, 2026
My sister promised her biological father that she would never let my alcoholic, drug-addicted brother leave the home that became my mother's upon his death. HShe is stuck now, because all the rest of us siblings are going to want our share of the house, which would put my brother on the streets. She also should NEVER have made that promise, that now is going to get her sued by all of us in court.
(1)
Report
It is unfair, and demanding promises about things you can't control is juvenile and manipulative. When they start up you can say "I promise to always do my best for you" and refuse to elaborate. If they keep pushing ask do they want your best or not? And when you do your best, be sure to consider everyone involved, which means you and your husband too.
Helpful Answer (15)
Reply to Slartibartfast
Report

For all of you out there age 25 and up: What are you doing to plan for your elder care? It's not too early in your twenties. At that age you have about 50 years to save your money in a safe interest-bearing account that you never touch until you need it. No one ever talks about this, do they?

You in your twenties taking care of granny, wouldn't it have been nice if granny had done this? So you wouldn't have to be changing her diapers now? You in your sixties taking care of 90-year-old mom who only has her social security benefit and can't afford memory care - wouldn't it be nice if she'd saved twenty thousand dollars or so for her old age? So she could pay for a couple of years for herself in a nice memory care facility?

People think the government should step up and give them money for caregiving when it's the person being caregiven who should have saved to take care of themselves. Some people did, like my MIL who died at age 99. She was a food worker, on her own as a widow from age 45. She didn't have fancy clothes or a nice car. She had kids to raise. But she always saved, learned fundamentals of investing, and even after paying for her own caregivers for her Alzheimers, left a nice little sum to divide between her children.

We should be having a national discussion: HOW TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF IN YOUR OLD AGE SO YOUR CHILDREN WON'T HAVE TO.
Helpful Answer (15)
Reply to Fawnby
Report
Klwolf Mar 13, 2026
You mention saving $20K to pay for a few “years” of care. Care facilities in our area cost $7-$15K per month so a person who might only need a few years of care needs to have a minimum of $250K! My husband has Parkinson’s and will probably need to be in a nursing home within 2 years. His family tends to live until they’re in their 90’s so I could be responsible for paying for his care for up to 10 years so could need to spend over $1-million. I’m 10 years younger so also need to have money for my own care. We worked, saved and invested for over 40 years and while we look wealthy on paper, anticipating future care expenses that could be in the millions has us living as frugally as when we were in our 20’s. If we hadn’t saved anything then we’d qualify for Medicaid but we scrimped and saved so we would be financially secure in retirement. We are both hoping that we’ll die quickly after a brief illness so there will be money left to pass on to our kids. Fortunately we live in a right-to-die state so that might also be an option we choose.
(4)
Report
See 1 more reply
You're right...it is very unfair of your parents to expect you to give up your life and retirement to care for them in their old age, when they have gotten to enjoy their retirement and travel. And I'm guessing they didn't care for their parents either.
It's just best to be upfront and honest with your parents letting them know that while you love them both very much that you will not be their caregiving plan in the future, but that you will be happy to come visit them if they should end up in a care facility.
I find it so incredibly selfish of any parent that expects their children to give up their lives to care for them as they age. If they truly loved their children they would never want that for them. I'm just saying.
Helpful Answer (14)
Reply to funkygrandma59
Report
Duderino54 Mar 11, 2026
I love this response. My mother had a carefree retirement, traveled, and did as she pleased. Her parents had been gone about 10 years by the time she retired. Even when they were aging and sick, she did very little for them. However, as she aged, my brother and I have done everything for her. I helped more day to day when I lived nearby (and still worked). As time passed, I saw the writing on the wall and I was not about to hang around for endless caregiving. Brother handles it now (paid caregivers and all that drama) since he lives close to her. I will not sacrifice my retirement to care for her. She cannot do any ADLs. I’m closing in on 72, and I have many other things that I wish do with my retirement time. If it were up to me I would’ve long ago sold her house and moved her somewhere so she could be cared for by professionals. I mentioned this to my brother several times, but he always says well… I promised her I’d never put her in a facility. OK - his choice. These “promises” are unrealistic.
(8)
Report
“I will try.” or “I will do my best.”

Not promises. Follow with, “But if it is necessary, which nursing homes do you like the best?”

Thankfully, my mom only made me “promise” in regard to one specific nursing home. Of course, she was still furious at me when I moved her into the lovely assisted living *she had chosen*.
Helpful Answer (14)
Reply to Goddatter
Report

AS an 85-year old in reasonable health and no cognitive issues, I am going to make a recommendation. Convince your parents that they need to move to a CCRC (continuing care retirement community). You will start out in an independent living apartment. In my development there are several basic sizes from studio to 2 bedroom apartments with kitchens. One meal a day is provided. There are doctors that practice within the community, including dentists, optometrists, and podiatrists. If your health goes downhill, you can hire aides to help you out. I have a neighbor who requires 24 hour aides. And if that isn't enough help, there are assisted living apartments, and finally nursing care apartments.
Helpful Answer (14)
Reply to StarJoan
Report
ElizabethAR37 Mar 13, 2026
This is an excellent recommendation--IF the elder has almost unlimited funds. Although many middle-class retirees, like me, did try to plan for their old age, rising prices for necessities (and living too long!) may have impacted their plans in ways they could not have foreseen. For example, we bought long-term care insurance 30 years ago, but the premiums have now reached a jaw-dropping amount and increase every year.

Without doubt, CCRCs are a great alternative for those who can afford the substantial entrance fee, monthly maintenance fees and increasing costs when additional services are needed. (Then there's this: if the facility is bought out by private equity, which is a thing nationwide, care will be stripped down to the absolute minimum. If that's not enough to turn a handsome profit for investors, the fund can always declare bankruptcy. Often, the residents then become "collateral damage".)
(2)
Report
You’re wise not to make a foolish promise. None of us knows what may come, to extract this promise is manipulative and misguided. My mom went from living independently to being a two person assist for every move in a blink. She could literally do nothing for herself and there was no way her level of care could realistically be accomplished in a home setting. Can’t imagine if she’d made her family promise such a thing. Promise your mother she will always be care for, but don’t promise it will be by you. Reassure her that you care and will advocate for her, that’s all anyone could ever expect
Helpful Answer (13)
Reply to Daughterof1930
Report

You tell them you are not going to be able to make a promise like that as no one can predict how much care someone would need in the future .

And to answer your question , my mother tried to get me to leave my family , move in with her and promise never to put her in a nursing home. Mom went to Assisted Living beyond angry . It was the right decision . I could never have lived with my mother.

BTW my parents didn’t take care of their parents either , so I really don’t get why they get this idea in their heads .
Helpful Answer (13)
Reply to waytomisery
Report

See All Answers
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter