My mother is 83 and in good health. Mild cognitive decline but still pretty sharp. She and her husband are constantly talking about how I should move in or have them move in with me whenever they get to the age that they’re not able to care for themselves in their home. I have told them I have no intention of doing either. Then they say “well please promise to never put us in a nursing home”. That’s not a promise I can make. I cannot predict the future and their health. I hope they can live their lives independently right up until the end but things happen and circumstances change. How can I make this clear to them without sounding harsh or uncaring?My husband and I plan to retire in 4 years (we’ll be 62) and hope to travel and enjoy our retirement not become full time caregivers. My mom and her husband have already enjoyed their retirement and traveling when they were my age. I think it’s unfair of them to expect this from me.
Know your limits. Be honest. Tell your folks the truth now and save everybody a ton of headaches and tears later on.
Best of luck to you.
You in your twenties taking care of granny, wouldn't it have been nice if granny had done this? So you wouldn't have to be changing her diapers now? You in your sixties taking care of 90-year-old mom who only has her social security benefit and can't afford memory care - wouldn't it be nice if she'd saved twenty thousand dollars or so for her old age? So she could pay for a couple of years for herself in a nice memory care facility?
People think the government should step up and give them money for caregiving when it's the person being caregiven who should have saved to take care of themselves. Some people did, like my MIL who died at age 99. She was a food worker, on her own as a widow from age 45. She didn't have fancy clothes or a nice car. She had kids to raise. But she always saved, learned fundamentals of investing, and even after paying for her own caregivers for her Alzheimers, left a nice little sum to divide between her children.
We should be having a national discussion: HOW TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF IN YOUR OLD AGE SO YOUR CHILDREN WON'T HAVE TO.
It's just best to be upfront and honest with your parents letting them know that while you love them both very much that you will not be their caregiving plan in the future, but that you will be happy to come visit them if they should end up in a care facility.
I find it so incredibly selfish of any parent that expects their children to give up their lives to care for them as they age. If they truly loved their children they would never want that for them. I'm just saying.
Not promises. Follow with, “But if it is necessary, which nursing homes do you like the best?”
Thankfully, my mom only made me “promise” in regard to one specific nursing home. Of course, she was still furious at me when I moved her into the lovely assisted living *she had chosen*.
Without doubt, CCRCs are a great alternative for those who can afford the substantial entrance fee, monthly maintenance fees and increasing costs when additional services are needed. (Then there's this: if the facility is bought out by private equity, which is a thing nationwide, care will be stripped down to the absolute minimum. If that's not enough to turn a handsome profit for investors, the fund can always declare bankruptcy. Often, the residents then become "collateral damage".)
And to answer your question , my mother tried to get me to leave my family , move in with her and promise never to put her in a nursing home. Mom went to Assisted Living beyond angry . It was the right decision . I could never have lived with my mother.
BTW my parents didn’t take care of their parents either , so I really don’t get why they get this idea in their heads .
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