My mother is 83 and in good health. Mild cognitive decline but still pretty sharp. She and her husband are constantly talking about how I should move in or have them move in with me whenever they get to the age that they’re not able to care for themselves in their home. I have told them I have no intention of doing either. Then they say “well please promise to never put us in a nursing home”. That’s not a promise I can make. I cannot predict the future and their health. I hope they can live their lives independently right up until the end but things happen and circumstances change. How can I make this clear to them without sounding harsh or uncaring?My husband and I plan to retire in 4 years (we’ll be 62) and hope to travel and enjoy our retirement not become full time caregivers. My mom and her husband have already enjoyed their retirement and traveling when they were my age. I think it’s unfair of them to expect this from me.
I've seen resentment and caregiver burnout wreck happy homes because needy elders were moved in. I've seen the lives of kids ruined because of it and many once happy marriages come to a bitter end in the divorce court because of caregiving.
You tell them that parents who love and respect their families never ask them to make this promise. That it is the very height of selfishness to expect you to spend your retirement enslave to their old-age care needs. Let them know that you will take care of them in other important ways that do not include living together or you being their caregiver/companion. Like advocating for them if they do have to be in residential care. Making sure they are in a good place and receiving good care if they need it. Arranging and managing homecare if that is the option that's chosen at some point. There are a lot of ways to be a caregiver that do not involve living together and the adult child literally doing all the work.
After IL they can graduate to Assisted Living (AL). The bonus is they know the location at that stage and the staff and people.
My parents both refuse to do this. They are in their 90's. My mom is still sharp but my dad should be in memory care. They are in a place with no services and no meals. They think the kids should be taking care of them, yet like your parents, they traveled when they were younger and did not participate in their parents care.
We are waiting for a call telling us there is a medical emergency and we will have no plan on where to house them. We speak from experience as we went through this last year after my mom fell. We got them into AL. My mom decided she hated it before she got out of rehab. After my mom recovered enough, they left AL and returned to their prior location.
I encourage you to do research now into IL and AL in your parents area so you are familiar with locations. If they will not accompany you, go on the offered tours on your own. I did this a couple of years ago and we had a few places picked out and I even got them added to a waiting list in the location we liked best.
Stay strong and good luck!
Things may be fine now but what happens when their care becomes more than you can manage at home.
Placing someone in any facility that can SAFELY manage their care is part of being a good caregiver.
I always said that if it ever became unsafe for my husband for me to care for him I would have to place him. And if it ever became unsafe for me to care for him I would have to place him.
Safety should be the number 1 priority. And safety is not just physical but it is mental, emotional, psychological.
I hope you enjoy your retirement! My mom pretty much demanded I not place her in a care home after she and close family members placed not only my dad, but also both grandmothers in care homes. She still holds it against me, but after two years it's more plain than ever that it was the exact right choice. She is safe and cared for. She has 24/7 care, weekly activities including manicures & arts/crafts, three square meals a day with snacks, Elvis nights, llama therapy, visits from family, and she can binge watch Youtube all she wants.
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Someone else posted:
"I think the best response is for you to ask 'promise me you will die before you become unable to care for yourselves in your own home.' It’s a conversation stopper, but it’s also a very fair counter-request."
This, in fact, need not be phrased as a somewhat snide "show-stopper." For someone in dire health, or in the early stage of dementia, there is a possible (not guaranteed, of course) alternative. It is called self-deliverance. While I am not going into details here, I will point to a book of one couple's experience: "In Love: A Memoir of Love and Loss." Medical aid in dying (aka MAID) is also available for people with a prognosis of 6 months or less. There are options for those of us who prefer to avoid institutionalized "care" (generally neglect), and prefer the alternative when the time is right.
Boundaries are so necessary when dealing with any relationship, and for parents/children, there's a ton of both intentional and unintentional manipulation that goes on and usually the "people pleasers" and the codependent/enmeshed individuals are the ones that suffer the most from their own bad choices. Please stay strong for yourself as well as your husband. Advise them, help find them resources, but that's where it ends.
Also, my own 93 year old mom is in an assisted living facility for about a year with mild/moderate dementia. This facility provides med management, restaurant style dining, entertainment, day trips, fitness and games, etc. It's like being on vacation.
You in your twenties taking care of granny, wouldn't it have been nice if granny had done this? So you wouldn't have to be changing her diapers now? You in your sixties taking care of 90-year-old mom who only has her social security benefit and can't afford memory care - wouldn't it be nice if she'd saved twenty thousand dollars or so for her old age? So she could pay for a couple of years for herself in a nice memory care facility?
People think the government should step up and give them money for caregiving when it's the person being caregiven who should have saved to take care of themselves. Some people did, like my MIL who died at age 99. She was a food worker, on her own as a widow from age 45. She didn't have fancy clothes or a nice car. She had kids to raise. But she always saved, learned fundamentals of investing, and even after paying for her own caregivers for her Alzheimers, left a nice little sum to divide between her children.
We should be having a national discussion: HOW TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF IN YOUR OLD AGE SO YOUR CHILDREN WON'T HAVE TO.
nor have her siblings visited in nearly ten years. They call on her birthday and holidays and she refuses to speak to them. I rue the day I ever said that I wouldn’t put her in a nursing home. We survive on her pension and social security-which is over 80k a year-so we qualify for nothing as far as social programs go. Don’t make the same promises I made. It’s not your responsibility.
To be fair, their home situation wasn't the greatest. Nonagenarians, Mom had taken to her bed after a couple of bad falls, Dad was doing all the caregiving because I was too sick to. It wasn't great, but they were managing. We helped when we could.
Then my mom had a stroke last August at age 93. Mild, but she was in rehab for a couple of months. We did everything possible to get her home, but the doctor said there was no way (she couldn't stand on her own, and my dad couldn't lift her). We had to make the agonizing decision (for them -- easy for us) to put them in assisted living. Dad was so exhausted by then he knew it was the only thing they could do, and Mom frankly didn't have much say. We also showed them how expensive in-home care would be compared with the (still expensive) AL facility. They moved in in October.
I wish I could say they love it and everything is great. They're not happy they have to be there, sometimes talk about going home before we sell the house (no way is that happening). It's not what they wanted. But they lived through the decision and the move, and they know it's where they need to be.
All that to say -- you don't have to promise. Tell them you can't. (I was clear I wouldn't "promise" to never move them out of their home.) Tell them you'll do everything you can to keep them at home, but if their health becomes compromised, and your situation is such that you can't (or don't want to) take them in, you will help them do the footwork to find a place they can live in and with. If they don't like it, tough. This is the reality of aging.
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(a) A nursing home -- Yes No
(b) A community-based residential facility –- Yes No
If I have checked or initialed beside “No” or have not checked or initialed either “Yes” or “No,” my Agent may only admit me for short-term recuperative care or respite care.
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This seems to make the "promise" an official contract. How have folks dealt with that?
Without doubt, CCRCs are a great alternative for those who can afford the substantial entrance fee, monthly maintenance fees and increasing costs when additional services are needed. (Then there's this: if the facility is bought out by private equity, which is a thing nationwide, care will be stripped down to the absolute minimum. If that's not enough to turn a handsome profit for investors, the fund can always declare bankruptcy. Often, the residents then become "collateral damage".)
It is NOT harsh or uncaring to make it clear to them that you do not plan to spend your retirement years as a full time caregiver. It is selfish and uncaring for them to expect that.
I think it's a generational thinking which is changing. In their minds, they probably envision themselves being slower, weaker, and living with family feels safe.
But, I'll bet they don't think they could have dementia and all the crazy behaviors which come with that, or be in diapers, which you'll need to change, or unable to get out of bed, and weigh too much for you to help safely. That's the reality now for many elders.
My mother, who died over 20 years ago, used to say she would come live with me when she was older. Her grandmother lived with her family for many years, doing all the cooking and baking, and lived a fairly independent, quiet life alongside family. She did not require any hands-on care. That was in the mid 1900's. My mom envisioned a similar arrangement as a normal expectation.
Unfortunately, my mother developed cancer and died at age 62, staying in my home for the last two weeks of her life.
My father is still healthy and active at the age of 85. I have told him he will have to be in a nursing home if he needs someone else to care for him. His wife is 20 years younger, and she is not likely to provide hands-on cares, they are both very selfish people, not equipped to take care of another.
I've been taking care of my husband for 10 years. It is killing me. My self-absorbed dad sees me as kind, nurturing, patient, self-sacrificing, a "saint".
That's how he would like to imagine me. I'm sure he thinks I would drop everything to be at his side, and changing his diaper if he needed. I will not.
I am not a nurturing, self-sacrificing saint. I take care of my husband because that's what works best for us right now. I recognize the time will come when I can no longer do this, and my husband will have to be placed in a nursing home.
It is not heartless to provide our loved ones with proper care by professionals in a professional setting. New nursing homes are not the drab, hospital-like places they were 50 years ago. They can be bright, warm, welcoming, and homey-feeling, with cheery trained nurses, administrators, activity directors, and cna's, all attentive to the resident's needs.
I would ask them if they had to sacrifice their retirement years to take care of their own aging parents? For how long?
Of course they will say they didn't have to. Neither do you. I would be totally annoyed at them bring the same thing up repeatedly, too. I agree they are being unfair (and very selfish) to even expect that, after they already enjoyed their retirement years.
So it's just healthcare in America these days, regardless of generation.
And then change the subject.
Know your limits. Be honest. Tell your folks the truth now and save everybody a ton of headaches and tears later on.
Best of luck to you.
require more care than you are capable of.
I know this sounds cold and insensitive, but I wanted to point out how absurd some of these demands and requests are. Who knows what will happen in the future. I would guess that if an adult child of elderly parents were hit by a bus, the parent's may have to seek care for the child.
You feel you cannot do it all by yourself with them totally dependent on you. That’s a boundary you need and you must respect. Promising something you cannot do is not a viable option, I agree.
Don’t promise them what they want. Listen to them, find out what they are truly fearing. Is it inadequate care, lack of independence, missing you, fear of strangers, stories from past experiences of their friends and loved ones?
if you are the one who will be responsible for the decision making for each of them in the long run, get all the appropriate legal paperwork in place now for each of them. A minimum would include a will and a power of attorney for both health and personal property. The three of you together should consult an attorney who specializes in family estate law in the state where your parents reside. They may decide that one or two trusts need to be established now with appropriate terms to comply with each of their wishes. In addition, if one or both of them uses a computer to access anything, you need an up-to-the-minute document stating you can manage their online accounts (social, email, financial and more) perhaps including access to a very secure password manager application for the 3 of you to share if they want you to handle these things. You may need to go with them to each of their financial institutions in person to arrange appropriate legal access to their funds so you can pay their bills should one or both of them lose that capacity. Someone always needs to pay the bills and they should be paying their bills out of their own funds - not yours!!!
I also suggest that you try very hard to consolidate accounts into one or two financial/ brokerage houses and banks to simplify access, record keeping, decision making etc. You may need advice from both an estate attorney and a certified public accountant to make good decisions. As long as they are able, they should be calling the shots with you listening carefully to each of them for both the said and the silenced nuances.
Good Luck