Do parents realize the damage a family experiences by naming one child DPOA over the others?
I have been on this website for a short while and have met many wonderful people, but I constantly see the anger at the siblings that were chosen (by the parent) to be the DPOA and POA. It seems to me this is a driving wedge and summons up all old hostilities and adds new ones. Accusations flying, anger, wanting to report them for abuse of caregiving responsibilities because they were not chosen to have this enormous responsibility heaped upon them. I can honestly say they should be grateful they weren't picked because it is becoming painfully clear the non involved siblings have no clue the reality of how difficult it is taking over your parents whole life! The loss of money from giving up careers, personal freedom, always waiting for the next shoe to drop, being in dementia land or other awful diseases, the toll on you physically, mentally, stress, your marriage and kids if you have them. I could go on and on. I feel like a slave. Yet, because Mom picked me and I never imagined what I was getting into, just agreed to her wishes, now I have been accused of all kinds of stuff! I would happily hand it over to them and see how long they could last before they wanted to shove her into a facility because they couldn't deal with it. The one thing that is also clear is most of these accusations all have to do with money. Money, money money! Not their money but money they feel entitled to for being totally absent in the caregiving. God I am sick to death of the money being the center of all of it. Seems the parents happiness and care and their wishes are not nearly as important as the money they are worried they are being cheated out of! What has happened to this world when the money is always the big point of contention because they see the caregiver getting a little something for the huge sacrifice that has been requested of them? Do they realize how much money we are actually saving the parent instead of shoving them all in facilities? For instance, if Mom died tomorrow, siblings would actually get something than if I had put her in a facility, she would be nearly broke by now. Now I am sure there are some irresponsible kids out there, that take advantage but for Pete's sake, if the other kids actually got involved in helping out, maybe they would get a little better of an idea of the parents daily expenses (where the money is going) & more appreciation for the "chosen one." It isn't so glorious to be the sole caregiver with DPOA and or POA, and maybe a little less reason to be upset they weren't picked to do "the honors" of being the sole child picked to handle everything. I am watching my life pass me by while my siblings get to travel, take vacations, live a normal life and I am struggling with the bare minimum (to save her money) for doing everything for Mom and I have been made the villain. Sad to say but if someone came up to me telling me their parent wanted them to be DPOA and or POA, I would advise against it unless they were an only child! Sorry, just had to get this off my chest.
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I know it's not true of my husband's family. His mom constantly paid lip service to "family sticks together" but then gossiped about each child to the others, breeding mistrust and greed.
So for those who are the unlucky ones to be chosen as a caregiver, PDOA, POA......my heart goes out to you and for ...........THOSE NOT CHOSEN.............. TAKE IT AS YOU JUST WON THE LOTTERY...BECAUSE YOU HAVE.......YOU WERE NOT PICKED....
I totally understand and agree with you.
Cathy
The willingness and ability to solve problems is also a major factor, and some families just aren't able to. That's not a criticism of anyone, just reality.
I had a nurse train me how to care for her severe lymphatic leg from a prior surgery. I went into caregiving so I knew how to handle her dementia as it progressed and became worse. I have bent over backwards to do the right thing. I have never done ANYTHING wrong to anyone in my family. Actually, quite the opposite. The biggest accusor to me is the brother who molested me as a child and physically beat me as well. He was "in fact" extorting money from Mom for years until I finally caught on to what he was doing and put a stop to it. That is when the battle began. The other brother is basically non existant but he threw mud at me too until I threw it back. I never start fights, I have never done anything except what was asked of me. I had a nice quiet life with my husband prior to all this. I did not need this!
What's important now is that we, the next generation along, Have Been Warned. I'm trying to avoid the pitfalls and happen to have (along with virtually no money, which helps) the luck to know a young accountant, no relation but whom I've known since he was born, who has kindly agreed to act for me. That's the finances wrapped up. Health is proving trickier. Dr Daughter thinks she's the obvious choice and I doubt if her siblings would disagree, but I'm hesitating because she is a bit of a "rescuer" and I don't want her burdened. Actually, if I'm really honest, I don't want her meddling.
But the good news is that at least we know what to watch out for. So we can make our own mistakes, instead of repeating those of our parents.
In the UK we do also receive good guidance from the government on the Dos and Don'ts of creating workable, uncontroversial POAs - they give you a checklist of points to consider, and advice on how to make your wishes clear but not so prescriptive it prevents the people you appoint from reacting to unanticipated events; and you can't pretend you don't know about it because the notes come with the forms you need to fill in, a bit like a passport application (though of course that doesn't necessarily mean everyone will read it). They tread a fine line between emphasising that you must only appoint someone you believe to be absolutely trustworthy and not quite saying "don't pick your children unless they never tried to throttle each other in the sandpit."
Anyhow, brother with the "will" and such made it a point to tell us many years ago exactly how much we'd "inherit"--b/c mother has been holding the "will" over our heads our whole lives. $10K. That amount will not cause a ripple in any of our finances, and it certainly won't make the brother who's been housing and caring for mother for 18+ years "whole".
So--the only little squabbles we ever get into is when mom takes a downward spiral and we kind of talk about placing her in an ALF. She'll never go into one, and brother will be caring for her for 10 more years, I imagine. My "inheritance"--going to be given to brother.
Money just mucks up the works. I think we'll leave all of ours to a charity. All 5 of our kids are far better off than we are, or ever will be. And that's the way we want it, right??
No one ever questioned her about money.
I would always tell my sister what ever is left should go completely to her.
This is the way it should be...If you do not want to be involved then do not be there for
the hand outs...
Stay strong and do not worry about what anyone says.
I am a true believer in Karma..
What goes around comes around.
Stay strong.
Your Mother knew who to choose.
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