My mother became comatose from an accidental fall. She suffered a traumatic head injury & fractured hip. She passed away from her head injury. I was with her when she passed. She looked so peaceful. I remember talking to her, about to paint her nails. Then I did not hear her breathing any longer & I knew. How do you deal with the grief?
I don't know how YOU will get over your grief. These are some way I got over my own.
1. For my parents. They both had good long lives they were satisfied with. For my Dad he was so READY to go he LONGED for it, and was able to talk with me about that.
Mom? She would NEVER be ready, not that feisty woman. She still had library books stacked she wanted to read. I particularly remember The Things They Carried, a novel about Nam topping the stack.
How did I get over these beautiful people dying on me? Basically because they always talked with me about the "circle of life" --long before Disney movies about it.
Because they were ready and willing to go.
Because I never had to be afraid for them again, or see them suffer further losses.
Because it would do them no honor to waste life, which they considered to be a precious gift. Because they would expect better of me.
My Mom suffered at the end; it hurt like heck. For my Dad? He sat down in his easy chair and, watching Larry King Live (Monica Lewinsky was on that night), he went without a moment to say ouch. Does it get better? Maybe your Mom's way.
2. My second horrific loss, that of my beloved brother. He was 85. He was not only ready and willing to go but he LONGED to go after a recent diagnosis of probable early Lewy's Dementia. How he feared the loss of control over his life. He made me his POA and Trustee of Trust and it took me a year of steep learning curve to learn how to do it. I was terrified beyond my usual anxiety for sure; AgingCare was a great help to me then.
But he was ready to go before he lost all the control over his mind; and he DID. He got sepsis and was gone within two weeks. I got over it thinking of him grinning at the fates and murmuring
"I beat-cha!"
But I got left behind when this man, who was joined at my hip, my 7 years older brother who was Hansel to my Gretel in every dark wood of life went away?
How to live on without our long talks, our long long letters?
How? By celebrating all we were, all HE was, and by doing a diary talking to him, making collages for him in it, writing him the long letters I always did. By knowing we all lose those we love and it is the price to pay for all the love. By knowing how lucky I was to have these people in my life. So very very lucky. By choosing to pay their love forward. By knowing I did them honor by honoring others, by trying to help others, by living for them, seeing for them.
They aren't gone from me, Harleyrider. Never have been. Won't be while I draw breath. I am not a "believer." I don't hope to see them again. But if I do I will be the happiest person on the face of the earth to have once again been proven WRONG.
My sympathy out to you. But me going while my daughter readies a fun painting of the nails? OMG! WHAT A GIFT. She's given me so many already, as I am certain you did YOUR mom (sure with a tad of angst as well; to be expected).
Please take heart. You loved and you were loved.
That's all we can hope of this our lives on earth imho.
((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))
If it's any consolation your mother went quickly. You were spared the long good bye. But Iosing someone suddenly as you did has it's own challenges.
I think you have to do just that. Deal with the grief. The grieving process is something that you can't just make go away. Just let the feelings wash over you when they come. Grief counselling is beneficial to some people. Just know that you are not alone.
My mom was with dad when he died. She said it was very peaceful, and she said it was traumatic for her before just shutting down about it. Your reaction is pretty normal in that it’s not like you feel privileged, but maybe guilty.
Thanks for sharing that hospice provides grief counseling for families. The hospice staff that we had were absolutely wonderful.
I personally have been with 4 different people when they took there last breath, and to me it was an honor to be there and for them to know that they were loved and cared for right up to the end.
There is a support group called Grief Share, that meets all over the country and is free. You can Google to find one in your city.
I pray that instead of focusing on your mothers death that instead you will focus on her life and her legacy.
May God bless you and keep you in the days, weeks and months ahead.
But it was comforting somewhat for her to go as she did. We all hope for a peaceful passing for those we love.
It may help to know you even had the opportunity to be there for her. My MIL died from a stroke and it was a total shock. We’d had dinner the week before and she was fine. Was 79, lived alone, still worked full time.
My husband found her on the floor in her house. She’d been gone for a few hours. Had a small puddle of blood from her mouth. I hate that he found her that way— that scene is burned into his mind forever. We hate that she died alone.
We would much have preferred she’d gone painlessly and peacefully.
Of course it’s sad no matter what. But instead of her manner of death as traumatic, take comfort in that you were there to the end and she knew you could handle being there when it happened. There’s tons of posts here about parents who died when their grown children stepped out of the room for even 30 seconds. They just want to go alone. My other grandmother did this exact thing.
Personally, I am glad that I didn’t have to witness my parents taking their last breaths. It would have been very difficult for me to see.
It was important for my brother to be there with my mom when she died so I am glad that he was there.
If I would have happened to be there, so be it. I was there shortly before my parents died. I spent more time than any of my siblings with my parents and they knew how much I loved them. They didn’t expect any of us to have to be there at the end.
It’s a personal choice and it affects everyone differently. I hope that I die before my husband because I wouldn’t want to see him die.
So, I understand if you are upset by your last memory with your parent. In time, I think the pain will lessen.
So sorry for your loss. Wishing you peace as you grieve.