When I'm with my mom, she is literally "dying". Won't get out of bed, no interest in activities, etc. When the caregiver is here, she is up and at 'em! Interested in everything, up in the family room, walks to the bathroom, etc.. Does anyone else experience this?? It's almost like she's playing a game with me.
Blessings!
Just then a neighbour pulled up. We watched, stunned, as she tossed the mop and scampered over to the car. What a miraculous recovery!
Her games compounded with her snide, bullying and scapegoating ruined my childhood. In fact, I cannot hard as I may try, recall a single happy memory from my childhood that involved my mother.
She ruined my teenage years. I didn't have a mother. I had a narcissistic, selfish, snide child that I had to be the parent to. She was a thorn in the side of my young adulthood. I spent that pretty much putting out the fires of her bad life choices. I did this not out of any great love for her but out of F.O.G. (Fear-Obligation-Guilt) and a lifetime of conditioning.
I learned through therapy and by interaction with care clients and their family members (I did in-home caregiving mostly to elderly for 25 years) all about the "games" and the manipulation and what gaslighting is.
Then my eyes were truly opened.
I'm going to tell you exactly how to shut down your mother's BS and how to avoid becoming a player in her games.
When she starts up with the dying and the performance, tell her that you're sorry she isn't feeling well. Then walk away and completely ignore her for as long as is safe to do so.
Do a bit of Grey Rocking too. Then when it's time for a meal, go to her room and tell her breakfast/lunch/dinner is on the table. Do not bring it to her. If she's "up and at 'em" like you say when the caregiver is there, then she's able-bodied and can come to the table. If she doesn't come to the table, let her go hungry.
Can she be left alone or does she have dementia? When it's time to go out or do some activity, make the offer. If she says no, leave her there and go yourself.
Don't play her games. Many times elders want to be babied or expect their families to become slaves to them. Scr*w that.
If you care and I think you do, you'll NEVER tolerate learned helplessness for one moment. You will NEVER help anyone become a learned invalid either.
Forcing an elderly person to do for themselves whenever possible, making them wait for something (within reason), accepting 'no' for an answer, and making them mind their manners helps them to maintain independence.
Helping someone to be independent on any level is one of the greatest gifts one person can give another. Usually it's a gift that is not appreciated. Often the person giving this gift becomes villified and even hated.
Attention can be a reward for good behavior. Lack of it as a consequence for bad behavior. Make your mother do for herself if she's able.
Do not play her games. Do not become a player in her dramas and performances. In fact, you may even want to call her out in front of her caregiver. When she's up and at 'em, tell the caregiver that they performed a miracle because five minutes before they arrived, your mother was on her death-bed. Call her out.
My mother is fit as a fiddle for her doctors. I tell them exactly what she's like at home. A bit of embarrassment can work wonders too. Good luck.
You're both exhibiting conditioned behavior, so if you change yours, she'll likely change hers as long as dementia is not involved. If it is, then that's a whole other thing.
Be nice. Be kind. Be compassionate. Don't treat an adult like a baby or a child.
They are not babies or children so the behaviors of babies and children shoud not be tolerated.
Anyway, she's still the same person and does the same thing.
She still loves being the center of attention and if she detects that she is not, she will angrily say "no one is paying me any attention".
Some things never change.
Now that she is in assisted living, she is more demanding and rude to me. Treats me like a servant. My sister notices this: I get the complaining phone calls demanding something at all times. She can get the same story but in a different tone. Much more matter of fact and less exaggerated. I thought at first it was better because I can be her daughter again and not her caregiver. But sadly, no. It seems I am her “whipping girl” and she is constantly seeking attention. Maybe this is the way she treated my dad? And I have stepped into that role since he died? It seems like this dynamic exists in every family. As I have said before, each member has been assigned “role” and it is difficult to get out of it.
I wish I had a solution for you, but obviously I am in the same boat. I guess recognize that she is manipulating you and try not to let her. I know it is difficult because it’s like crying wolf. Just when you don’t believe her anymore, she really will have serious issues. It is her last grasp at control in an ever increasing loss of control. It’s sad but very hard to take.
At least we can see we are not alone in this!
She can put a load of wash in, or fold it. She can peel potatoes or cut green beans, stir the sauce for pasta.
Some people are drama queens, she may be one....my mother is!
You say she is at home.
When you go visit where is she?
If she is in bed "dying" tell her that you will wait in the kitchen until she gets up and gets going. If she needs help getting up get her up and dressed then go sit in the kitchen, make some tea or coffee and she can join you there.
If she is capable of getting up and refuses to do so tell her you will come back when she is feeling better.
If you think this is a game then just don't play the game.
Since your mother is 101 (according to your profile), perhaps she is having good days & bad days? Or that she wants you to think she's having more bad days than good days and that she requires your undivided attention and service to her needs 24/7 when she's having a 'bad day' which is always when you're there with her. Manipulation 101.
Sounds to me like your mother needs to have her caregiver there a lot more frequently than YOU! If she is so much more functional with the CG there, why not HAVE here there and let you off the hook? There is always one person the elder acts out with the most. For my mother, that person was ME!