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If you truly feel this way then why are you caring for your father in your home, it sounds like you'd both be better off with him in an appropriate facility.
That seems a little harsh IMO. And you're an RN? I'll be sure to avoid anywhere that you work. Wow! My father died on his 97th birthday. sorry, but we call it HEAVEN DAY or HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY. Hope you don't scream. ;)
Social media often causes people (who would otherwise be reasonably lucid) to take to romanticized flights of verbal euphoria.
Take super good care of yourself, achieve as much balance as you can between caregiving tasks and relaxation and recreation for yourself, and practice healthy ignoring of the nonsense.
I understand where u r coming from. People who saw things like “just put them in a home if you feel that way,” likely do not understand just how difficult that can be, and I’m strictly talking about the legal side and the rights of the elderly person.
You obviously are beyond burnt out and need some reprieve. Like said below, you perhaps shouldn't be the one caring for your father if you're wishing him dead. He deserves better than that, don't you think? Perhaps it's time to look into placing him in the appropriate facility where he will receive the 24/7 care he requires and you can get back to just being his child and advocate. We all have our breaking points and it sounds like you've reached yours. Please do whatever is necessary to make your fathers life better and yours.
I can't say that I have ever envied anyone the death of their parents, but I WILL admit that when my parents died in their 90s I felt little other than relief. They were the best parents ever. They lived long lives and lucky lives, very in love and free from illnesses for the most part. My Dad long wished he could go for the "long long nap". My mom was struggling n her last months. And what I felt when they each went was great relief, that I never had to stand witness to their suffering. That they never again had to be afraid. That I never again had to be afraid for them.
You are not alone in wishing you didn't have to witness the suffering of those you love. How could it be otherwise? It would only be a cruel person who would take joy in witnessing the losses and struggles.
If you are doing hands on care for your parents I think it may be time to recognize that this cannot be done without great destruction to yourself. Please consider seeing someone for a couple of hours of counseling. Often a Licensed Social Worker in private counseling practice is best for this as they are great at life transitions work. This isn't about discussing the age at which you were potty trained; it's about learning to endure pain in the present day. I so wish you good luck.
I don't want to scream, but I would certainly like to know if birthdays are celebrated in the place where we go next. Like, if you're there for eternity, how much cake do you get to eat? Because if it's heaven, there would have to be cake. Chocolate, hopefully.
My Aunt was a staunch Methodist. She believed we do not know each other in heaven, not as spouses or siblings. I just read the Bible is not really clear on this either.
I am not a big fan of those posts either. When their birthdays come up I wish them a Happy Birthday privately.
You do sound like caring for Dad is getting too much. Maybe time to place him in Memory Care if he has the money or a nice Long-term care on Medicaid. We can only do so much as one person.
I don't know about all the heavenly birthday bit with a parent, but if the quality of your parents life has become not living but rather just not dying, I understand how you may be feeling. My mother has not been my mother for years. Her dementia has made her mean and abusive. I wish often that she had not got the pacemaker to extend her life to the point that her grandchildren have begun to avoid her and her great grandchildren are terrified of her. how much better if we had the good memories of what she was before dementia took over. She was a great Mom and Grandma at one time. Sadly, the current behavior has overshadowed that.
I have never envied anyone having dead parents. Mine were wonderful people, and I miss them every day. Caring for them was stressful, heartbreaking, and yes, a burden, but I'm sure so was raising me. I considered it an honor to care for them, and it was just part of life.
I'm with you, however, on the "heavenly birthday" thing. Wouldn't their heavenly birthday be the anniversary of the date they died -- the day they were "reborn" in heaven (whatever that's supposed to mean) -- not the date of their birth? I've yet to see it commemorated that way.
As for me, I don't commemorate the date anyone died. I remember people in my heart mostly when their real birthdays roll around. My mom's birthday was the day before mine, so I can't help but feel a little sad we no longer celebrate together. My dad's was a few days before Christmas, so he's always part of my memories of the holidays.
No, MJ. The heavenly birthday would not necessarily be the day someone died. It can be whatever day brings the grieving person some comfort in their loss.
lorrsing, you should see the thread below. Many people likely share your feelings. I would be a liar if I said I never felt envious that my friends didn’t have to care for anyone and be burn out like I was.
Hey lorrising. There are a lot worse things in this world to get fired up about than someone posting about a dead LO's heavenly birthday. There are a lot of people in the word right now who are missing a LO who has passed. Birthdays and holidays can be really hard on a person who is grieving. So if it helps a person who's in pain and it's a comfort to them to remember someone by wishing them a happy birthday in heaven on social media, who hell are you to tell them otherwise? I still wish my first husband a happy heavenly birthday and he's been gone for years. I call my former MIL on his birthday I do this because I loved him and the family he brought me into. Love doesn't go away when a person dies. People grieve in their own ways in in their own good time. It is not for anyone to tell they they're wrong. Don't be jealous of people whose parents have died. If your father is too much for you to handle, put him into managed care.
For those of you trashing the OP, recall that idiom about actions speaking louder than words. Ditch the smug judginess before someone takes a snapshot from one of your own bad days and assigns you a permanent label.
And if you’ve never witnessed quality of life so poor that their suffering breaks your heart so you hope for them to be released, consider yourself fortunate.
I feel sorry for you that you feel this way. That said as I have read many posts here that not all of us were lucky enough to be raised in a loving home with loving parents. (and some never saw their parents age..) Some parents that I have read about should never have been parents. If you are in this group I truly am sorry. I do hope that you find peace.
Thanks to everyone for taking a moment to let me vent, even those dissing me. It was a VERY stressful day when I wrote that and it wasn't particularly clear but I do think that people who haven't had to deal with watching their parents deteriorate have it relatively easy. They don't really understand the constant "on"ness of being a caregiver and for those of you who noticed. Yes, I am an RN, in fact, I am actually working on my Ph.D. in nursing but what I have found as an RN is an expectation, especially on the part of my sibling and nieces, is that I can just deal with everything and they take no kind of responsibility to help. BTW, it is not just my dad I am caring for, it is both my parents. My father had a traumatic brain injury and developed dementia and my mother has stage 4 cancer. They did NOTHING to save for this time and not only are they living with us, but we are also in the process of selling their house and creating a living trust to fund their care. On top of that, my youngest son has Down syndrome so most days I feel like I am running a home for those with special needs. I think the day I posted this I had just seen so many of the overly sentimental posts and they left me thinking how is it that I have landed in this situation, giving up half of my home and what feels like my life to care for two people who didn't take any responsibility for their future?
When I read the situations other people are in I feel very fortunate, my dad although with dementia is overall very pleasant and easy to get along with. My mom is someone who always wants to be taken care of, but that is my dad's fault as he always took care of everything. She can't really be blamed for attitudes that have been ingrained for a long time, but that doesn't actually make them easier to deal with. I think on some level I was testing just how "accepting" this group is and overall I think people are very understanding and kind.
Most of my career has been spent in ICU/PACU and it is not really the same kind of nursing that people picture. Most people think of nurses as nurturing and almost waitress-like. That is not nursing. Nursing, especially ICU nursing, is being aware of subtle changes in patient condition and doing everything possible to prevent deterioration. A joke for ICU nurses has always been "if you are well enough to ask for coffee you are too well to be in the ICU"!
Even with my mother living in an "appropriate facility", memory care to be precise, I prayed for God to take her every single day. Watching her deterioration with dementia and other health issues was tearing both of us apart and she was ready to die. Why would I want anything else for her??
Those who pass judgment on your words don't understand the devastating impact watching a parent die has on a daughter. I used to sit at dad's bedside and hold my breath waiting for him to take his next breath when he was actively dying. No, hospice didn't kill him, a brain tumor did. Had I been able to SPEED UP that process, I gladly would have.
As far as "stupid heavenly birthday posts" on sm are concerned, they bring people comfort. We won't judge you on wanting to scream over seeing such a sentiment posted by a grieving loved one, and we won't judge you on saying you envy your friends who have dead parents.
So accurately described . I agree , watching someone deteriorate, who wishes death would come, is difficult to witness , especially when it seems prolonged . You can judge me for this , but I wish Euthanasia was legal .
I have never even heard of a ‘heavenly birthday’ before seeing this thread. It’s a new one for me.
I don’t think that I would ever celebrate a day that someone died.
I understand that people are glad that their loved ones are not suffering any longer. I’m glad that my parents are no longer suffering but it does seem strange to mark the day of their death as a special day.
And tragic situations like you have been through, a person would never wish to say that it was a ‘heavenly birthday.’
I remember the birth date of their actual birth, because it holds more significance to me.
Im sorry for coming across so rude. Maybe you can hide the social media topics causing your stress. My dad passed on his birthday and I don't 'celebrate' or say happy Heaven day..
You're taking care of TWO parents?! Wowza. I feel bad complaining about caring for just one! Anyway, I get it. While it's absolutely devastating and shocking for the family, a sudden, massive, fatal heart attack is preferable to having to witness a loved one slowly, steadily lose their mind (for the last nine years in my situation).
OMG I thought I was the only one and I always thought I was a horrible person for this thought. My mom is gone but I am caring for my dad, almost 91, with PD dementia and a host of other issues, with no end in sight. He has outlived everyone, and every week I hear of someone he knew passing away, and have the feelings you describe then I feel guilty.
You have a whole chorus of us screaming with you! I am currently thinking about how to "celebrate" my dad's 102 birthday. He has no idea how old he is but he wants to live to 107. My husband said to tell him he's 107 and maybe he give up and die. We are all in with the black humor.
Yes, I guess it is normal. I have one friend whose mother was 90. My parents are 94. For years we talked a great deal about how we were caring for our parents. Her mother died last fall after several years of decline.
I found myself so envious of her that her ordeal was over. Of course I never verbalized these feelings to her. She was very grief stricken over the loss of her mother, but I was so envious that she was done. I still am because there is no end in sight over here.
I think there’s confusion here about the term “heavenly birthday”. I have several friends on social media who acknowledge them. NONE of them are celebrating the anniversary of their loved one’s DEATH. They’re marking their birthday, postmortem. For example, it will soon be my grandfather’s 124th heavenly birthday, the age he’d turn if he were still alive. He has been dead 30 years.
I wish I was celebrating my mother's heavenly birthday whichever way it goes. Instead, I am taking care of her. She will probably outlive me. And yes, to answer your question, I am super envious of everyone whose parents have died and they aren't having to do what I am doing.
I celebrate that fact that my family hurts no longer. Yes I miss them terribly! My Mama was in so much pain that she couldn't walk, my sister was in so much pain she couldn't swallow. My Daddy didn't know day from night! I celebrate because I knew them, loved them and share memories with them! Yes I cry, I laugh, I scream! But I will never forget them and when their dates of birth and death comes around each year I celebrate it with flowers and dinner! One day I will see them again and I am sooooo looking forward to it. I read its hard for you but maybe if you remember the good things about your family it might not be as hard. Prayers for peace.
I’ve never heard of ‘heavenly birthday’ social media posts, so that’s yet another reason to stay off social media! Pass the sick bag, Alice.
Some of us would like their parent to die, for their parent’s sake, not their own. But yes, many of us look forward to the end of a long and difficult journey, and do envy others who have reached it.
Another post this morning described caring as “a crazy ride for our loved ones but for us as well. The only way we can get off it is when our loved one dies. That's the sad truth of it”. Why feel sympathy for that poster, but then say that this one “shouldn't be the one caring for your father if you're wishing him dead”, when it’s just another take on the same thing?
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I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
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My father died on his 97th birthday. sorry, but we call it HEAVEN DAY or HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY. Hope you don't scream. ;)
Take super good care of yourself, achieve as much balance as you can between caregiving tasks and relaxation and recreation for yourself, and practice healthy ignoring of the nonsense.
And if necessary, sit in the car and scream.
He deserves better than that, don't you think?
Perhaps it's time to look into placing him in the appropriate facility where he will receive the 24/7 care he requires and you can get back to just being his child and advocate.
We all have our breaking points and it sounds like you've reached yours. Please do whatever is necessary to make your fathers life better and yours.
You are not alone in wishing you didn't have to witness the suffering of those you love. How could it be otherwise? It would only be a cruel person who would take joy in witnessing the losses and struggles.
If you are doing hands on care for your parents I think it may be time to recognize that this cannot be done without great destruction to yourself. Please consider seeing someone for a couple of hours of counseling. Often a Licensed Social Worker in private counseling practice is best for this as they are great at life transitions work. This isn't about discussing the age at which you were potty trained; it's about learning to endure pain in the present day. I so wish you good luck.
You do sound like caring for Dad is getting too much. Maybe time to place him in Memory Care if he has the money or a nice Long-term care on Medicaid. We can only do so much as one person.
I'm with you, however, on the "heavenly birthday" thing. Wouldn't their heavenly birthday be the anniversary of the date they died -- the day they were "reborn" in heaven (whatever that's supposed to mean) -- not the date of their birth? I've yet to see it commemorated that way.
As for me, I don't commemorate the date anyone died. I remember people in my heart mostly when their real birthdays roll around. My mom's birthday was the day before mine, so I can't help but feel a little sad we no longer celebrate together. My dad's was a few days before Christmas, so he's always part of my memories of the holidays.
But to post that stuff on social media? Noooo.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/wrong-to-hope-someone-dies-150121.htm?orderby=recent
There are a lot of people in the word right now who are missing a LO who has passed. Birthdays and holidays can be really hard on a person who is grieving.
So if it helps a person who's in pain and it's a comfort to them to remember someone by wishing them a happy birthday in heaven on social media, who hell are you to tell them otherwise?
I still wish my first husband a happy heavenly birthday and he's been gone for years. I call my former MIL on his birthday I do this because I loved him and the family he brought me into.
Love doesn't go away when a person dies. People grieve in their own ways in in their own good time. It is not for anyone to tell they they're wrong.
Don't be jealous of people whose parents have died. If your father is too much for you to handle, put him into managed care.
And if you’ve never witnessed quality of life so poor that their suffering breaks your heart so you hope for them to be released, consider yourself fortunate.
That said as I have read many posts here that not all of us were lucky enough to be raised in a loving home with loving parents. (and some never saw their parents age..)
Some parents that I have read about should never have been parents. If you are in this group I truly am sorry.
I do hope that you find peace.
I personally feel that when caregiving becomes too heavy of a burden, you should consider placement for your loved one.
They deserve to be looked after by someone who isn’t resentful and most certainly you deserve a break from doing the ‘hands on’ caregiving.
Wishing you peace as you decide how to continue on in your caregiving journey.
When I read the situations other people are in I feel very fortunate, my dad although with dementia is overall very pleasant and easy to get along with. My mom is someone who always wants to be taken care of, but that is my dad's fault as he always took care of everything. She can't really be blamed for attitudes that have been ingrained for a long time, but that doesn't actually make them easier to deal with. I think on some level I was testing just how "accepting" this group is and overall I think people are very understanding and kind.
Most of my career has been spent in ICU/PACU and it is not really the same kind of nursing that people picture. Most people think of nurses as nurturing and almost waitress-like. That is not nursing. Nursing, especially ICU nursing, is being aware of subtle changes in patient condition and doing everything possible to prevent deterioration. A joke for ICU nurses has always been "if you are well enough to ask for coffee you are too well to be in the ICU"!
Anyway, thanks for all the responses. OP
Those who pass judgment on your words don't understand the devastating impact watching a parent die has on a daughter. I used to sit at dad's bedside and hold my breath waiting for him to take his next breath when he was actively dying. No, hospice didn't kill him, a brain tumor did. Had I been able to SPEED UP that process, I gladly would have.
As far as "stupid heavenly birthday posts" on sm are concerned, they bring people comfort. We won't judge you on wanting to scream over seeing such a sentiment posted by a grieving loved one, and we won't judge you on saying you envy your friends who have dead parents.
I envy those that have had their fathers through most of their lives.
😟😟😢😢
Heavenly birthdays?! SMH!😖😖 🎻🎻
I don’t think that I would ever celebrate a day that someone died.
I understand that people are glad that their loved ones are not suffering any longer. I’m glad that my parents are no longer suffering but it does seem strange to mark the day of their death as a special day.
And tragic situations like you have been through, a person would never wish to say that it was a ‘heavenly birthday.’
I remember the birth date of their actual birth, because it holds more significance to me.
I’m so sorry that you lost your dad in this way.
I found myself so envious of her that her ordeal was over. Of course I never verbalized these feelings to her. She was very grief stricken over the loss of her mother, but I was so envious that she was done. I still am because there is no end in sight over here.
I'm just so stressed and depressed about it all.
Some of us would like their parent to die, for their parent’s sake, not their own. But yes, many of us look forward to the end of a long and difficult journey, and do envy others who have reached it.
Another post this morning described caring as “a crazy ride for our loved ones but for us as well. The only way we can get off it is when our loved one dies. That's the sad truth of it”. Why feel sympathy for that poster, but then say that this one “shouldn't be the one caring for your father if you're wishing him dead”, when it’s just another take on the same thing?