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Your sister sounds like a tightly wound spool who spouts off about grace and then shows none. Hmmmm.
You're not getting crazy one, kiddo!
So, mom had a stroke. What's the plan? Is she in the hospital? Is she going to rehab ( big hint, the answer is yes.)
If you were the subject of abuse growing up, you should NOT be thinking about hands on care. Mom should get professional care in a care center. You visit. On your schedule.
Just because you are your parent's daughter does NOT obligate you to be their caregiver.
Your parents sound like difficult, possibly disturbed people. Unlikely to cooperate with what might be best for them.
In this kind of situation, it's usually best if a professional person (think doctor, social worker hospital discharge planner) delivers the news that rehab, facility care or in home help is required.
This is NOT something YOU are imposing on them. The law requires that they have a certain level of care and you are not qualified to provide it.
Sunshine19, I don't mean this to sound challenging but what *is* going on?
I've looked back through some of your posts: what I can glean is that your very elderly parents live independently but expect you to pick up all the slack. You have 3 siblings who live further away and are happy to be out of the firing line. You have a nice husband and quite rightly feel that he should be your priority. But you've also said you have no regrets and no guilt; yet here you are feeling flayed because of a difficult conversation with your sister.
When did your mother's stroke happen? And where in the UK are you? In most areas there actually is plenty of social care if you know where to look for it, but yes you - or more to the point, your parents - do have to pay for it if their income and assets are over a certain level. Of course. Who else should be paying for it?
And actually, again, most people when questioned say they want to die at home; very few do get that choice in the end.
I sympathise completely with the painful emotions that get stirred up when you find yourself trying to support - how can I put this? - non-ideal parents. And I certainly sympathise with sibling conflict: I'm no longer in touch with my three at all, and it was caring for my mother through to end-of-life that finally wrecked those relationships. But I'm puzzled as to what you're looking for, what sort of help and support would make you feel better and less anxious. What would you say is the trouble, exactly?
Oops. I posted it. It it didn't come up. !! Ok I met my sister today she lives 5 hours drive away from my parents. Been down here for two days because mum has had a stroke . It goes something like this Me. How's mum today. "She's fine. Very bright " Me. Is she still not eating. She's fine eating quite well Me. Is she nodding of in the day "no very alert " Is she slurring her words. " no she seems fine So we discuss how hard it is and going to be now and she loses patience and says "shame you can't enjoy the last years with your parents with some grace". At this point I am thinking it would be easy to storm of but no. I have some grace and say I feel you are shaming me for finding it difficult. We had a violent does tic abuse situation as children. I am open about my mental health and difficulties. She says I've not come all this way for this rubbish she storms off and decides to drive home . She mocked my worries and concerns for myself in the future having no children. I'm a worthless being. Childless . shamed And yet the most caring kind one in the family. Love to hear from you Keep it clean 😅😅 it's just a fraction of what's been going on . I have a husband they don't give a rats bottom if his life's affected too . Rant over. And Breath......
I'm sorry to hear about your mom's stroke. And the difficult conversations with your sister regarding her care. Sibling relationships are very tough when it comes to caring for elderly parents. We all try and do the best we can and in my case, still wish I could have done more. In these heated moments, its best to try and look for supports elsewhere. There are resources in the community and through church. You are not alone. I know we all want validation and acknowledgment from our siblings. We even want a simple "how are you?" but its not be.
Regarding your feelings of shame, I have found this information:
Here are 8 strategies for overcoming shame and restoring self-esteem:
1.Revisit your childhood. ... 2.Recognize your triggers. ... 3.Practice self-compassion. ... 4.Challenge your thoughts. ... 5.Don't double-layer shame. ... 6.Avoid shame reinforcers. ... 7.Accept love and kindness. ... 8.Practice forgiveness.
Hi. Bless you. You made me laugh in your first answer In the UK there is very little social care. It's disgraceful but they hand you a leaflet of your support. You can pay for it. I have three siblings. No matter how I try to tell them I have witnessed this three times with friends and their mothers. They die at home . I am also involved with ageing without children charity . I'm worried about myself and my husband. I'm shamed for that too. Heads so deep in the sand . Like my parents .
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Hum. I see what you mean.
Your sister sounds like a tightly wound spool who spouts off about grace and then shows none. Hmmmm.
You're not getting crazy one, kiddo!
So, mom had a stroke. What's the plan? Is she in the hospital? Is she going to rehab ( big hint, the answer is yes.)
If you were the subject of abuse growing up, you should NOT be thinking about hands on care. Mom should get professional care in a care center. You visit. On your schedule.
Just because you are your parent's daughter does NOT obligate you to be their caregiver.
Your parents sound like difficult, possibly disturbed people. Unlikely to cooperate with what might be best for them.
In this kind of situation, it's usually best if a professional person (think doctor, social worker hospital discharge planner) delivers the news that rehab, facility care or in home help is required.
This is NOT something YOU are imposing on them. The law requires that they have a certain level of care and you are not qualified to provide it.
End of story.
I've looked back through some of your posts: what I can glean is that your very elderly parents live independently but expect you to pick up all the slack. You have 3 siblings who live further away and are happy to be out of the firing line. You have a nice husband and quite rightly feel that he should be your priority. But you've also said you have no regrets and no guilt; yet here you are feeling flayed because of a difficult conversation with your sister.
When did your mother's stroke happen? And where in the UK are you? In most areas there actually is plenty of social care if you know where to look for it, but yes you - or more to the point, your parents - do have to pay for it if their income and assets are over a certain level. Of course. Who else should be paying for it?
And actually, again, most people when questioned say they want to die at home; very few do get that choice in the end.
I sympathise completely with the painful emotions that get stirred up when you find yourself trying to support - how can I put this? - non-ideal parents. And I certainly sympathise with sibling conflict: I'm no longer in touch with my three at all, and it was caring for my mother through to end-of-life that finally wrecked those relationships. But I'm puzzled as to what you're looking for, what sort of help and support would make you feel better and less anxious. What would you say is the trouble, exactly?
I met my sister today she lives 5 hours drive away from my parents. Been down here for two days because mum has had a stroke . It goes something like this
Me. How's mum today. "She's fine. Very bright " Me. Is she still not eating. She's fine eating quite well Me. Is she nodding of in the day "no very alert "
Is she slurring her words. " no she seems fine
So we discuss how hard it is and going to be now and she loses patience and says "shame you can't enjoy the last years with your parents with some grace". At this point I am thinking it would be easy to storm of but no. I have some grace and say I feel you are shaming me for finding it difficult. We had a violent does tic abuse situation as children. I am open about my mental health and difficulties.
She says I've not come all this way for this rubbish she storms off and decides to drive home .
She mocked my worries and concerns for myself in the future having no children. I'm a worthless being. Childless . shamed
And yet the most caring kind one in the family.
Love to hear from you Keep it clean 😅😅 it's just a fraction of what's been going on . I have a husband they don't give a rats bottom if his life's affected too .
Rant over. And Breath......
Me.
I'm sorry to hear about your mom's stroke. And the difficult conversations with your sister regarding her care. Sibling relationships are very tough when it comes to caring for elderly parents. We all try and do the best we can and in my case, still wish I could have done more. In these heated moments, its best to try and look for supports elsewhere. There are resources in the community and through church. You are not alone. I know we all want validation and acknowledgment from our siblings. We even want a simple "how are you?" but its not be.
Regarding your feelings of shame, I have found this information:
Here are 8 strategies for overcoming shame and restoring self-esteem:
1.Revisit your childhood. ...
2.Recognize your triggers. ...
3.Practice self-compassion. ...
4.Challenge your thoughts. ...
5.Don't double-layer shame. ...
6.Avoid shame reinforcers. ...
7.Accept love and kindness. ...
8.Practice forgiveness.
Overcoming Shame - Live Bold and Bloom
liveboldandbloom.com/06/self-confidence/8-strategies-for-overcoming-shame
In the UK there is very little social care. It's disgraceful but they hand you a leaflet of your support. You can pay for it.
I have three siblings. No matter how I try to tell them I have witnessed this three times with friends and their mothers. They die at home . I am also involved with ageing without children charity . I'm worried about myself and my husband.
I'm shamed for that too. Heads so deep in the sand . Like my parents .