I have written several times before about the regret/guilt with which I am paralyzed due to the last weeks of my Mom's life. She had multiple chronic health conditions and was fragile/frail. I extended her rehab due to her needing 2 people to assist 24/7 per her therapists, etc. I had planned on bringing her home, but only had 1 caregiver lined up and the 2 person bombshell changed the plans at the last minute. Though not thrilled, she agreed to 30 days restorative care/pt/ot to see if she could build strength and get to a 1 person assist. She was not thrilled the first few days, but then when the 30 days were up and I was ready for her to come home, she decided to stay another month to continue the progress she was making in therapy. COVID hit - I could not see her...she still wanted to stay unless they had cases there - they never did. During that time she started having stomach/bowel symptoms (increased from prior levels). Her PCP saw her, did blood work, bedside x-ray, etc. - adjusted meds, etc. Misdiagnosed her with an ileus and constipation. Things declined quickly the end of April/beginning of May. After refusing additional diagnostics and refusing the hospital, she eventually agreed to go when the pain became unbearable. At the hospital she was diagnosed with autoimmune hepatitis and acute decompensated cirrhosis. With her prognosis, pain and other health issues, she ultimately decided on hospice. I was with her at the hospital and during the week in hospice - until she passed away in my arms.
Despite feeling blessed for being with her at the end, my rumination torments me 24/ 7- now affecting all my relationships and my career. I have no peace. Grief counseling, spiritual help, psychiatrist, and medication have still only provided minimal relief form the agony. I constantly ask:
1. Why would I put my sick/fragile mom in rehab rather than just bringing her home as she originally wanted? I could have taken FMLA or a leave of absence and been the "2nd" caregiver...why?why?why did I not. I had taken care of her for 5 years through multiple hospitalizations and rehabs - stroke/heart attack/broken hip/neck.etc. Why would I drop the ball on her care the last 8 weeks of her life????
2. How could I allow her to stay during COVID isolation? Despite the fact that she told me and my family she wanted to stay until she was done her therapy, I should have known she would not do well under those circumstances mentally and physically and MADE her come home. Multiple people talked to her about coming home to me, but she kept saying -not now, maybe in May...I pleaded, begged, explained multiple times why I wanted her home, that I would care for her myself ( with one other set of hands), etc. that we needed to be together, etc, PT was not that important, being home was, etc...but in the end, I still listened to her and did not go get her and MAKE her come home. Why would I do that when I "knew" that was not the right thing...???
3. Before the hospital and hospice, she told me she needed a lot of care - more than I could do at home myself - and that she did not want to argue with me about eating, etc. ( things we fought about when she lived with me) and that if I kept nagging her she would not answer the phone or talk to me...finally, she promised to discuss with me on a "home" date before the end of May ( after more than 20 discussions regarding same).
We never got there - she died 5/26.
The woulda/coulda/shoulda of grief/guilt/regret is more than I can bear -more than I can carry for the rest of my life. I am searching for a way to forgive myself and apologize to my Mom for my bad decisions and lack of appropriate action. If anyone has any ideas on helping me find just a little mental peace, a little self-forgiveness, I would be grateful. I am scared for myself, my mental and physical health ( both are greatly suffering), and the effects on my family. I am a lost soul at this point stuck in negative rumination
It was the kind of church that was dark and moody. Dark wood pews, stained glass windows, a musty odor of incense in the air. I went into a pew and put down a kneeler. I got on my knees then & prayed to God to help me, because I didn't know what else to do. I asked Him to guide me. To help me figure my life out; to clear my head; to get me to a better place inside of my soul. Because I was lost and at the end of my rope.
The next course of action suddenly became clear to me and I was able to turn my life around, thanks to taking that first step and asking God for help. That was 1991 I believe, and I've been sober ever since.
If you have faith in God, do what I did. Ask God to help you forgive yourself because He has already forgiven you, as has your beloved mother, who is at eternal peace now.
You can't play God; you can't save a person you love from dying, in spite of wanting to very badly. We all have a certain allotment of time on earth. Your mom's was up when she left for her next life with God.
I wish you all the peace and self-love that you deserve now, and that you stop torturing yourself over something you had no control over.
Sometimes we need to make the least bad of a bunch of bad choices. I know that with my mom, once dementia, a broken hip and recurring CHF issues entered the room, there were no "good" choices to be made.
COVID sent us ALL into a tail spin and made what might have been fairly straight forward choices more fraught and less predictable. It seems like you think that you feel like you should have been a mind reader to the universe to see what was going to happen.
I have no good answers for you. Just empathy and love. Please forgive yourself for your unintended trespasses.
I recommend you continue with the therapy you told us you were and are still doing. Not all drugs are right for all people; it's anything but an exact science, so you may need to utilize your doctor in trying different formulas of medication for what may now have moved from grieving to clinical depression. Our brains tend to form habitual paths of thinking.
You have explored most options for help in the grieving process and it is entirely possible that only time will heal you.
If you recall we wrote a few times in private messaging. I lost my brother the same month you lost your Mom. When I hear you I can only think of him and how sad it would have made him if I felt as you do. I try to honor him by living the best and happiest life I can; honestly, that is for me a choice. I won't have the like of him in my life ever again while I live. But to spend my remaining years in mourning him rather than celebrating him, to me, does him no honor.
I am curious L., if prior to your Mother's illness and death you had any prior mental health history of clinical depression?
Now you're stuck in a world of what could be everlasting grief. It needn't be that way. It's not unusual to grieve for 5 months. It's not unusual to grieve for a year or two. We all grieve differently. But at sometime you have to realize that your mom died, you didn't. You can get thru this but you have to CHOOSE to do it. Focus on your family not your mom. It's not the passing of time that will heal you, it's what you do with that time. Therapy is a step that you've already taken, kudos. Do you attend a grief support group? Do you maintain your relationships with your griends? Are you reading any books on grief recovery, there are many? "The Essential Guide to Grief and Grieving" by Debra Holland and "How to go on Living When Someone You Love Dies" by Therese Rando are two. My wife died 2 1/2 yrs ago. My grief is gone but I still have sad moments. I hope that at this time next year you too have only sad moments and happy memories. You can do this>
I know how hard it is when you try to sleep and your brain won’t shut down because of the ruminating thoughts.
Please talk to a therapist. I talked to many over the years. They all helped me in one way or another.
please don’t suffer in silence and feel like you are all alone. Please reach out to a therapist and keep reaching out on this site. I am so very sorry.
We all have regrets in life. Somehow we propel ourselves forward.
Your mom is at peace. I know that she would love for you to be at peace as well.
Take care, dear lady. Honor your feelings. You can’t help what you feel. You can’t pretend that you don’t feel this way.
One day your grief will ease up. You will always remember what happened but I hope that you will no longer blame yourself.
Your mother knows that you loved her and still do. She will live in your heart forever.
Sending a bazillion hugs your way. I will say a special prayer for you.
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