Does anyone have the problem of crying when faced with trying to deal with professionals or explaining what is going on?
I have always been a crier when faced with frustration. Even on the phone when dealing with a billing problem, or trying to get information, I just start to cry. Right now, I am POA for my Dad who is 800 miles away and I just had him admitted to a nursing home against his will. I did fly back and met with siblings and an elder care attorney to get the ball rolling for one of them to file for guardianship. I also am supporting my husband who is in a crisis with severe chronic pain from fibromyalgia and severe depression (he is also bipolar). He looks like he is dying, and I am driving him for consultations, Doctor appt., physical therapy, the emergency room, and psychiatrist. Some of these are over a hundred miles away. When we get there and I try to describe what is happening (suicide statements, his extreme pain, his not being able to walk a few hundred feet), I always start crying. I feel like an idiot and probably look like a dysfunctional spouse. Any ideas on how to think and act like an adult rather than a needy child? I am even crying pretty hard while typing this. I really need to pull myself together to support those I love while they need me.
Please know that I'm not asking this question out of a sense of superiority, just inquiring. Do you work, and if so, what is your profession? I've seen some women who stay at home and have less experience in the business world become frustrated more easily. Working for pay creates self confidence, and that is I think a major component of handling various types of challenges.
For billing questions, do you research the issues, develop plans for potential alternatives, and know what you want to say or what you want to accomplish?
Can you isolate the reason though that crying seems to occur? I.e., do you feel as though you're dealing with people with higher level medical education, you're intimidated, and you won't understand them? Do you feel some situations are life or time critical and you're pressured to make decisions of which you're uncertain?
If you can isolate the reason for crying, you might be able to focus on that and build up your resistance to specific stressors.
E.g., when my parents first developed cardiac and other issues, I relied totally on my sister's advice; she was a practicing RN. After her death, I was confronted with multiple complex issues, most of which required a decision by me. I was overwhelmed. So I looked to business experience and education, and made each issue a "class project."
I spent a lot of time online, getting good first level explanation articles (from sites like Mayo or Cleveland Clinic), studied them until I understood the issues and options, then discussed those with the medical team. The fact that I understood the basics at that point led them to segue into more complex issues, which I then researched as well.
I think that's an option that many other caregivers take.
Up until my father's death, I was still faced with issues about which I knew little, so I followed the same pattern of research and questioning.
I've found that if you use medical terminology, it establishes a certain level of rapport with medical personnel and they'll spend more time explaining issues and options. Otherwise, the basic assumption seems to be to simplify, with little real discussion at all of the issues.
I won't deny though that I still cry when I am overwhelmed, as I was when I knew my father was dying. But that response is a natural human one; I'm not sure I'd ever want to reach the point of not being able to cry to express my sorrow.
I think though that you should not be so hard on yourself, and recognize that your life is VERY challenging right now. The frustration level would be high, your anxiety is probably high as well b/c of the medical complications. And of course you're worried for your family.
Do you do anything for yourself? Anything relaxing? Some of us read; we can do that in hospitals and nursing homes. Walking, just being in nature, petting a soft animal, listening to music, aromatherapy are all means of relaxing as well.
Try to set aside some time, maybe even just 5 - 10 minutes per hour, and read a favorite magazine, look at gardening magazines or catalogues (as I do), listen to music - whatever "takes you away" - maybe Calgon if it's still around! If you have pets, spend some time just petting them; they'll soothe you, just as you become calmer by their presence.
I keep an empty jar of a magnificent creation by a formal herbal supplier. It has exotic substances - myrhh, frankincense, and more. Just inhaling a small "whiff" of it relaxes me. Sometimes I also take a jar of cinammon, cloves or nutmeg, if I'm going into a stressful situation. These spices remind me of apple pies and other apple treats, and the beauty and solemnity of fall.
When I go into the garden, I pick a sprig of lemon balm or mint and rub it until it deteriorates. These aromatherapy pickups really soothe a troubled soul.
You might try to find a CD of soothing sounds, such as harp music or waves breaking on a shoreline. If you have cable with mood music channels, listen to those. They're typically accompanied by beautiful scenes of nature, mountains, seas, and are very relaxing.
In reading and rereading your post, it seems as though you're faced with a lot of medical challenges and issues, but haven't identified a method of providing relief from them. I get the feeling you're "strung" as tightly as a guitar string. That's not a criticism, just an observation.
Next time you feel like crying, try some of the suggestions, and see if any help. I think if you can break up the medical and emotional challenges with respite, you might find that stress lessens and you won't cry as easily.
Write it down. It's the only way. Then sleep on it, revise your notes in the morning, cross out anything that is an adjective or an adverb unless they are there for strictly technical understanding. Rehearse.
If it's then not practical to communicate in writing, and you've no choice but to have spoken conversations, with a bit of luck you'll be so familiar with the material you're discussing that it will have lost some of its sharpness for you.
There's nothing with having an emotional response, you know. It doesn't make you wrong about the facts, or about anything else. The only trouble is when it gets in the way of communication - maybe keep reminding yourself that what you have to say is IMPORTANT, and see if that helps you to focus.
I'm a single woman and held professional corporate jobs my whole career. But I cry at the drop of a hat. I agree with just saying, "Look, this is an emotional issue for me but I'm fully in control of my mental faculties, just not my tear ducts." And keep going. If I told someone they had the option of waiting until I stopped, that would totally trigger me to keep crying, LOL. It's really embarrassing and frustrating sometimes. I cry at parades when military bands go by. I cry when a fire truck goes by and every driver pulls over to the side (it makes me cry that we all work together). I cry at commercials. Hardly a day goes by that I don't cry.
When my mom passed away, I was working and I only told two people at work because I knew if anyone mentioned it to me (even weeks later) I would dissolve into a puddle of tears. I wasn't distraught, just weepy, weepy, weepy. I think we'll live longer because we get those emotions out. I'd rather do that than bottle it up. I just think we're wired a little differently. And you have a HUGE amount of stressful things going on in your life right now. My advice? Keep calm and cry on. {{{Hugs}}}
I am like you blannie-listening to people singing the Star Spangled Banner even makes me cry. But right now I do feel like a tightly strung guitar string.
I like the idea that it is a good thing to cry-maybe that will help me to not try to stop, which will keep me from crying more. (Does any of that make any sense at all?)
Thank all of you for quick responses. You all helped me remember the things I need to do. Usually it is really hard exercise and then a relaxing time in the hot tub. I have not done that for a long time. So that is what I am going to do this evening.
I don't know why but I was able to pull off a successful career and tons of family stress that way. At 65, I do seem to paying a little price with identity problems (that's an attempt at humor, it really isn't funny though to begin differentiating my real self at 65). It isn't possible for me to get through the kind of immense stress, tragedies and life witnessing that you are dealing with, without reverting to my childhood coping mechanism -- acting. I am slowly learning to become aware when I am acting, and to make a choice.
If time allows, consider writing down your descriptions of your husband's problems. You can cry buckets during the writing but probably be dry eyed when you hand it to the doctor. While the doctor reads, try to retreat in your mind for a few seconds to some amusing/happy memory. I'm so grateful for the young children in my life that have provided many of these memories. Pets have been good sources too.
My work often requires problem analysis and what I think of as puzzle solving (we want to X these are our resources, how to we make that happen). Because of that I have developed an analytical thinking mode where my concentration is very focused on the facts. I find many difficult discussions much easier when I can engage that analytical mode. Researching the topic before hand and "interviewing" the doctor/nurse/therapist for additional information helps me stay in the zone. Using a "checklist" of topics I want to discuss also helps me stay in analytic mode.
I agree with other posters that being stressed out (and you have plenty on your plate to easily achieve that state) makes containing the crying much harder. Please try to find a couple of ways you can relieve your stress daily - even if only for a couple of minutes here and there.
God Bless you.
I am a woman, a doctor, a Mom, and even after over forty years working outside of the home, I cry pretty easily. When my life is overflowing with the responsibility to care for my loved ones, as is sounds as if you are experiencing right now, I cry in the shower. When it gets really bad I make an appointment with a friend, my physician, or another confidant to get some of the pressure off of my chest. Sometimes if you can just tell someone else it helps. Over the years, I have realized that crying is really a gift. Crying is very cathartic for me. I am thankful when I can cry. I hope you can find a way to give yourself permission to cry, you deserve it. Hang in there.
....... seven between us from prior marriages, all absolutely refuse to share their home to keep my wife in a multi-generational residence.... at that point I make an effort at a "joke" with friends and tell them that the "Find a place for Mom" advertising we all see on TV or our computers, should note that today's younger generation has changed that pitch to:
"Find a place for Mom BUT AS FAR AWAY FROM ME AS POSSIBLE!" YOU out there are all Heros!!!!! (spelling?) In many other countries they live and practice the GOLDEN RULE! NOT so in the USA
Crying is therapeutic and you are fortunate you are able to cry. Crying sometimes also lets the "professionals" know just how serious things are.
So please, don't worry that you cry - I am thankful you are able to.
Put in CAPS the key words so it is easy to find.
Put all the details about each topic together.
The last time I went, I gave the paper to the nurse. She
sat down with me and went over the entire paper with me,
asking questions and clarifying . It was a very productive and
complete consultation. I did not feel intimidated, emotionally
involved, nor compromised in any way. I was able to treat it
all matter-of-factly.
I think the key is to have worked through the information and cry it
out during the preparation. The brain has time to process and organize
the information ahead of time so you are not being slammed by
(1) presenting all the information in an organized complete fashion
(2) the emotional distress of the condition of your loved one
(3) the pressure of the professional's presence
all at the same time and overloading yourself. You already are on max.
Cut yourself some slack. Divide and conquer. You are doing a great job.
God gave us tears as an emotional release so they are just fine. We just
want to use them at the appropriate times. I pray this will help you.
I wish I could actually have a good cry, don't get me wrong, I do on occasion cry a river, it's the leaking cries that I long for on days. As a child weaknesses were used to torment me, crying being at the top of the list, so you learn to shut it off, wish I could find that switch and turn it back on. You are blessed to be able to reduce your stress with tears. (I know, when it happens you feel more stress but you are changing your chemicals with tears and that is the real stress reducer)
TNtechie's reliance on deep breathing learning during singing is another tactic I've used. I tried out and was accepted to a university choir in my early 20's and learned the REAL power of singing. Our first performance was Carmina Burana, during the Christmas season. As an encore we sang the Hallelujah Chorus from Handel's Messiah.
That is one of the most magnificent chorale pieces ever composed, and singing it provides a "high" that's literally incomparable to anything, even better than fine chocolate. Schiller's Ode to Joy in Beethoven's Ninth Symphony is another powerful masterpiece.
Even if you don't sing, listen to music that's powerful for you, whether it's polka, soothing Tahitian music, ethnic music, lullabies, children's songs or whatever. If the event happens when you can't sing or listen to music, take deep breaths and envision yourself singing.
IsntEasy, very good suggestion to manage the tears and use them as the strength they are.
PaulBern, your post is so sad; the heartbreak of 7 children who won't participate would literally "drive someone to tears." You have my sympathy. There will be a time when the children wish they had been closer to their parents, but then it will be too late to act on the feelings.
So you are not alone.
Once when getting help riding the chair lift I told the instructor that I would cry. I said just go with it. I will be fine. chris