(I may be using the wrong terminology with "mentally incompetent.") Do I go to a lawyer in the state where I live, in the state where my mother lives or do I go to someone else? If a lawyer, what type? Do all lawyers practicing in the seniors area know about this? I would have POA, I think (my mother refuses to say who has it).
When I expressed concerns a few years ago, she went to a doctor who in five minutes told her she was fine. Her emails (the only communication I can do with her now because she does nothing but rant and scream in phone calls) show extreme inability to comprehend reality. She's had undiagnosed mental issues, in my many shrinks opinions, for decades, but at 93 she's not making sense anymore. Thanks for any tips.
What is the purpose of having her declared incompetent? IOW, tell us what you are trying to accomplish.
I can't imagine you want to be her guardian. Are you looking for a professional guardian to be appointed?
If she is endangering herself, call Adult Protective Services and report her as a vulnerable adult.
And the question about the goals of intervention helps focus what actions to take.
APS is the place to start.
Indeed, you need to take care of you right now. Move on. Whatever your mom's conditions, illnesses, difficulties, they are no longer on your plate.
I get disenfranchised grief. Many years ago, in the midst of a pretty awful divorce, I found a therapy group, facilitated by a SW. A couple of weeks in, she broke her leg skiing and we continued on, on our own.
One of the rituals we developed was buying cheap dinner plates, coloring them with permanent markers with words and images of our grief, pain, abuse. And then SMASHING them against a wall. It was highly cathartic.
((((((hugs)))))))
this is to protect the person. --because often people will try to take advantage of the vulnerable elderly person. non-family and family sometimes steal.
so, as much as possible, someone will be held still "mentally competent" and able to make their own decisions, in order to protect themselves.
What will happen is she will not be able "showtime" APS or the cops when they're in her house the way she could for five minutes in the doctor's office.
I've done elder homecare for a long time. When they stop making sense and are defensive and argumentative to their closest family, it's because of dementia. I don't know your mother but in situations where the elder is living alone without help coming in, they're usually living in filth and squalor as well. Their personal hygiene will also be neglected because they cannot manage their ADL's independently anymore. APS and the police will pick up on this even if she tries to showtime them. Be honest that she's secretive about who her POA is and you don't know. Stay in close contact with the police and APS though. I don't trust APS entirely because they often pull underhanded actions like nursing home placement without meeting with family first. Or doing petitioning for conservatorship/guardianship over an elder without informing family or discussing if they are willing to take it on. So keep an eye on them especially.
They will get the ball rolling for you though. Very likely your mother will be placed in a care facility against her will, unless whoever has her POA can work out homecare services.
She first said she had no idea, then when I said that indicated there was a problem, she admitted she'd changed everything to my sister several months ago.
So I guess I'm off the hook and my mother's fate is out of my hands. I cannot watch what they will do to her, nor take any more of her abuse, so I will do my best to pick up the pieces of my shattered life - gee, I sound like a melodramatic idiot, but I'm at the end of my wits.
I'll never hear when she dies, they'll take everything she has so I'll never get all the things she promised me (she also stole the tiny coin collection my father left me when he died when I was in my early 20s). I'll never get anything for a lifetime of giving and giving and doing for her and being damaged by her.
I don't even know what I'm saying here anymore. I appreciate everyone's help and answers.
I give up on trying to help her and I now must work on accepting that I've lost the dream of having a mother who loved or cared about me, the chance to get a tiny inheritance I could surely use (I'm used to being poor and I'm not materialistic), and that she alienated me from the only family I did have.
At 64 and with no home, no hometown, no friends or family I have to figure out a way to keep alive. But that's surely another website and forum. If nothing else, I hope my many mistakes can help another.
Thank you all so much. I'm crying too much to go on and it's too much to write here anyway. Thank you again for being lifesavers.
It's not "I have to go on Medicare". It's "Yay, I have Medicare!"
If your Mom is now mentally incompetent for whatever reason nothing can be done until she is diagnosed either competent or incompetent.
If she is diagnosed incompetent then she cannot confer nor withdraw a POA on anyone. That is something that is conferred upon you by a competent individual, not something you "get". You would requiring being conservator or guardian. That is a legal action that would STILL require diagnosis.
Without being there, getting your Mom to medical help, I don't see how you could do that. Who is now in the State your Mom is? Who has contact with your Mom? What do they tell you?
I think my advice is that you now need to travel to where your Mom is. Given she has a history, digging out whether she suffers a mental personality disorder or dementia will be no easy fete. Your Mom will need to agree to admission for diagnosis, or be transported by ambulance. Are you able to negotiate all of this? If not, I can't imagine an answer here, other than Burnt's answer that you contact APS in your area and have a case opened, a welfare check on a senior at risk.
Wishing you the best.
Update: since my sister has POA, she and her husband used my mother's money to buy the condo near them with the pool, gym and tennis court she could never use. My mother will pay the HOA on that (looks like it's $900 or more) and the monthly mortgage, then when she dies, my sister and her husband will own a DC condo paid for by my mother. Not fair to the rest of the estate, but nothing to do as my mother is too out of it to see what they are doing.
That money should be going to my mother being in a place for seniors that has amenities (a nurse, meals, laundry and cleaning services, senior activities), not to buying my sister a condo for her husband to have a pool, tennis court & gym and then their spoiled 30 year old unemployed son to get a condo when my mother dies. Again, my mother's choice (by default since she made them POA and she's out of it as to what they're doing), so yes, nothing I can do.