Does asking for help mean that you have given up on your loved one?

By all means, ask for help. Reach out. Accept help. There is no shame in needing help. It’s a very tough job being a caregiver.

Your husband needs a wake up call. Please do not take on this responsibility. You have your own responsibilities. Remind your husband that your priority is to your children. Tell him you will not be involved in your mother in law’s care.

Tell your husband that not doing the day to day care is not letting down his dad. Explain that seeking professional trained help for her is in her best interest. That not doing so is shortchanging her.

Best wishes to you and your family.

No. Fullstop. Your husband sounds like a jerk.

OH PUH-LEASE! You’re supposed to be concerned about WHAT YOUR LATE FIL IS GOING TO THINK???????????

Calmly and sweetly request that you DH do a serious reality check. When you’re attempting to balance a human being over a potty while simultaneously attempting to remove a loaded disposable under garment and keep her from sneezing into your ear and falling on the floor and wondering what the crashing, crunching sound was coming from the room where you THOUGHT your three year old was concentrating on Daniel Tiger, THE VERY LAST THING you have time to think about is the opinion of a HALLOWED ANCESTOR!

The WHOLE FAMILY should be addressing overall scheduling needs and where, when, and HOW to implement FAMILY SUPPORT.

MIL needs ABOVE ALL to be kept SAFE, Provided with physical needs, and treated respectfully by all who deal with each other, but her caregivers ALSO DESERVE RESPECT.

Hiring help IS personally caring for your MIL!!

Your husband is manipulating you, plain & simple. His comment is just plain ridiculous, if he wants to care for his mother, then he should, not you.

Seeking professional help is doing the right thing for her, burdening you with her is not.

Your children come first, they will carry their childhood into adulthood, whether you admit it or not, this will effect them, they hear and see everything regardless if you don't think they do. Good Luck!

The reason why Memory Care facilities are popping up everywhere like flowers is simple: ordinary people cannot care for loved ones with Alzheimer's and dementia at home after a certain point in time. Period. Loss of bowel and bladder control, wandering in the middle of the night, severe memory loss.........the list is endless.

Your husband is speaking for a dead man, which is ludicrous, when you think about it. What's shameful and disappointing here is that he expects his mother to be shuffled around the family like a deck of cards instead of living in one place where she can be cared for 24/7 by a trained staff of care givers. Nobody there is angry, guilty or resentful because it's their job to care for elders with Alzheimer's and dementia. Plus, there's a ton of activities and socialization situations to keep them occupied.

In reality, truly caring people SEE this disease for what it truly is and choose to look into all the care options available. Relying solely on unqualified family members to care for someone with Alzheimer's is unrealistic and even dangerous, once the disease progresses. Read up on what to expect:

https://www.alzheimers.net/stages-of-alzheimers-disease/

Wishing you the best of luck moving forward

Her husband is not a Jerk. This is how he feels. Maybe its a cultural thing maybe not.

I think you need someone else to look at the situation. Someone who is not emotionally vested. Maybe a sit down with everyone involved. Explain that Mom is only going to get worse in mind and body. She will need care that no one is trained for. Better now then later. Call your Office of Aging to find out what resources are out there. Call around to agencies to see the cost of an aide.

I think you are being too lenient on your husband. So what if he works hard! He is laying the biggest guilt trip on you, which is more usually associated with the elder themselves. In fact he is trying to shame you into acquiescence and I see that as domestic abuse.
Perhaps no one in the family, even you yourself, realise fully what caring for someone with dementia entails. I think everyone involved with your MIL needs a reality check because this roster will eventually cause more harm than help with your MIL. Although it is a good routine to share caring ... and kudos to you all thus far ... it will eventually become a burden especially when sundowning really sets in.
Perhaps a family conference withe the fa ily doctor is indicated. Get him or her to lay out the awful future your poor MIL will experience, and how testing that will be for everyone.

More advanced the disease, the greater burden of care will be required. For the last 5 years of my mom's life she required around-the-clock care; the last two years was extremely stressful and I did it by myself at enormous sacrifice like my own life. Mom also had a lot of chronic illnesses such as insulin-dependent diabetes...her bowels were the worst stress. If she did not have a bowel movement in three days she would become IMPACTED, which meant having to dig it out, so I had to put her on a bowel schedule and lactulose helped with that issues a lot. I only used lactulose due to her Stage 3 kidney disease which she had over 10 years. Her feeding tube required a LOT of care. UNLESS you are very well knowledgeable medical wise, I would NOT recommend being a carer.

When mom died at age 90, I do not regret caring for her. What an irony Alzheimer's never killed her. She developed a very aggressive cancer and at no time was she ever uncomfortable or in any kind of pain--the hospice nurse came over daily to make sure she was comfortable and she was. She died in a week after symptoms appeared. She never used that comfort pack. In other words mom could have been a self-caring walking, talking person the same thing would have happened to her.

Mom was my world and I lost her. I'm trying to sort out my life without her. i have a quiet acceptance of her death--because we all die, and she knew she was surrounded with loving care. I feel a lot less fearful about living, because what possibly could hurt me any worse than losing my mom. I really miss mom despite how brain-dead she was from her disease...but equally I simply accept her death. It's what we all are supposed to do--we all die.

After a person dies their ordeal of living is over. Pain and suffering is only reserved for the living.

Alzheimer's is a very tough situation. I'm sure your husband has to work. It could be a cultural thing--in the old days for example people took care of their own folks. Marriage vows also represent "for better or worse".

Thank you all for your advice and care. I do agree that my husband's family is very in the dark about the disease process. I am constantly researching and reading articles and forums especially from this website on caring and stages of Alzheimers disease. However, my knowledge is not their own. I try to bring it up, i try to look for classes, which we have all been to 1 recently. But i can't do everything for them and I've realized that.

My mother dealt with her own father suffering from Alzheimers while i was a child and i know the pain grief and the hard work that goes into caring for someone. My mother offers her advice as well and i offer for them to talk to her about it, but sometimes it is blown off or met with anger over the idea that they can't just "throw her somewhere". This term is often used and im not sure where it came from. But this is the attitude of the family.

I would love for them all to have a sit down with a medical professional or something, but it is very difficult to have them together all at once without their being highly charged emotion. I have since talked more to my husband about these stages and where his mother is and where it is going, but he is starting to try and understand. But it doesnt mean the other 3 siblings will. And i can talk to them, but i know there will be a lot of questions, a lot of pushback and unless i come with some hard facts or actual numbers for places to call or brochures for help, nothing is going to change.

I know that is not my duty to do this but i feel like that is where this is going and i have no clue or idea about resources or anything or who to call and talk to. Im barely finding out about memory care facilities on this post. So some aditional advice on that would be appreciated.

First. I am going to comment on what is going on with MIL.
Moving from one "home" to another can be very confusing. She knows one place then to have to adjust to another can take a while. Then being taken to a third home she has to adjust again. It would be far better if MIL could stay in one place. Some solutions might be one of the three have an "In law" suite built and whoever is caring for MIL can stay with her at the time. This would give her a familiar place that she knows is "home"this might lessen the frustration, impatience and stress.

Now to caregivers.
Hiring help is not a sign of giving up. It is a sign that you care enough to get the help that is needed to provide better care than you alone can provide.
As a person declines they will need more help not less and it can be very stressful. Does your husband take his mom to the bathroom? Does he clean her? Shower her? or does this become your responsibility? While you do these tasks he can be a son and you are the caregiver.
What would happen if you or he were to get injured while caring for her? Who then would care for you while you recover?

Not to mention that you get MIL on the weekend...I am going to assume that your husband works and weekends are a more free time. Does he not want to spend some quality time with his children? Hiring a caregiver to come in for a day would enable you to go out and have some family time.
If he truly does not want to hire caregivers to help out then I suggest that one Saturday you plan an outing with the kids. Leave around 8 am and do not return until about 5 pm. Oh...and "forget" your phone on the bedside table or in the bathroom. I think a nice breakfast with the kids, then a park or the zoo, lunch then maybe a movie.

Don't miss caring and enjoying your children because of your husband. If you can't get through to him, then the decision about your family's future is yours.

Keep talking with your husband. Try to find a way to express that his father is no longer alive and doesn't have a say in the way things are handled (I know this sounds harsh, please word differently). While it may seem noble in his mind, what his father wanted may not be the best choice for everyone involved.

The whole situation needs to be viewed from the perspective of the best care possible for the MIL, yet still providing proper support and care for the existing family.

Maybe ask him WHY he thinks your family would be better at caring for her than a professional?

Yes, his father would want her cared for but wouldn’t he want the best for her? What about his grandchildren? Wouldn’t he want to know that they are being well cared for? How can they when you’re trying to balance their needs with an elder who needs more care than they do? And who will in fact need more while they grow more independent? No, your children should be prioritized over MIL. Does that mean “throw her somewhere”? No, that means getting her the best care by people who have been trained in how to care for the elderly. There are different ways to care for someone. It doesn’t necessarily mean providing hands on care. It could mean having someone come into the home to care for her. It could mean a facility. Trained professionals who work in shifts and are able to go home and rest are much better suited for this. In turn, your husband and his siblings would be able to oversee her care and advocate for their mom. I’m guessing that most of her care is on you when she is at your home. That needs to change. Let your husband take care of her. He isn’t necessarily being a jerk here, but he is not thinking straight.

You have many helpful responses here. I think you and your husband would find helpful the book by Charlie Mackesy, "The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse." The boy asks the horse, "What is the bravest thing you've ever said?" The horse replies, "Help." The boy then asks the horse, "When have you been at your strongest?" The horse replies, "When I have dared to show my weakness. Asking for help isn't giving up. It's refusing to give up."

This book can be read to and by children, but it is also a profoundly adult book, which helps all of us not to bring the problems of the past into the present and the future. Whatever issues, guilt and unfulfilled hopes we might bring from our childhood into our lives as adults, we can work through and resolve those issues.

The boy asks the horse, "What do we do when our hearts hurt?" The horse replies, "We wrap them up with friendship, shared tears and time, til they [i. e. our hearts] wake hopeful and happy again."

Don't give up just because everyone in the family is not yet able to agree on a course of action. But do protect yourself and the next generation, that they will not suffer because of the confusion or hesitations of others.

With hope and prayers for a successful resolution of a challenging situation.

Part of taking care of your MIL is hiring help as needed for the times or the tasks that you cannot do it yourselves.

Your husband has get rational and get some common sense. My wife for the last several years took care of her Mother with increasing dementia. This week she finally gave in and put her in a home. Her blind insistence demolished our Marriage (I could no longer tolerate her Mothers constant demeaning, evil behavior) push came to shove and my wife chose her Mother. This choice turned my wife into a zombie. I'm sure it will take her Months, maybe years to recover from her Mothers conduct. Her choice also severaly damaged the relationship with our children. So now her Mom is Finally in a home. BUT my wifes marriage is still demolished, her relationships with her children still damaged. BUT her Mother got everything she wanted which was the undivided attention of her daughter. Putting the needs of an elderly parent ahead of the needs of yourself and your immediate family IE spouse and children will have devastating effects, emotionally, financially and it WILL have lasting effects. Consult with ANY shrink, therapist, clergy they will tell you the same thing. FEEL free to have your husband contact me.

Sometimes caring for your loved one needs to involve a care facility for them. This lets the family be at there best when they go to see her. They can be actively involved with her care by going to see her and spending time with her. This is the loving care that is the hardest to do.

Seeking out professional help of caring caregivers is not only logical, its the humane thing to do when a layman is unsure of the diagnosis or situation. Asking for help is not "giving up". Its the illuminating choice that allows stress to be taken off the family, as well as the patient. Your husbands pride is getting in the way of what's best for his Mother. Maybe your husband needs some counseling and intervention from a Health Care professional so he can better understand the situation. Good luck to you.

Your husband does sound uninformed on what you are facing. He needs to get information on what he is asking you do to. Will he accept it? Would this involve him providing the hands on care or just you? If he continues to resist reality, I'd ask him to get a schedule of when he and all the other family members are going to show up for their share of caregiving. It seems quite outrageous to me, but, perhaps, I am over reacting.

Talk to your husband about getting professional help people with dementia/Alzheimer's get worse over time and it's not safe for them the are professional staff in nursing homes most families don't want to hear about that but the bottom line is she needs more care then any of you can give and not to mention the toll it takes on your mental and emotional health so you have to have that conversation with your husband tell him you can no longer help care for her you have the children to think about and that guilt trip the like to put on us don't fall for it been there done that this site is a great site to vent and get advice from I've been in this situation with my mother in law the only difference is she have her sound mind walks with a walker but other than that she's fine 86 and going strong just went to the doctor and she said she is in good shape blood work and everything is fine her only thing is she likes to muniplate my husband and put a guilt trip on him so I had to tell him is our marriage us or her and his brother pick one bc his brother do the same thing guilt trip him too so he choose to come home every night after work we was living in her home for the last three years i told him his brother have to step up and help out we are not here on weekend's either bc before we were doing m_s no breaks 3 years i had enough and thank GOD for this site with great advice i was able to build up the courage to talkto my husband and guess what he understand he said it's talking a toll on him also so I'm glad I had that talk with him so take the great advice from people here who been through it the all should sit down talk to each other about the best care and safety good luck xoxo come back let's us know how it's going

Llisten to lacyisland and I believe me when I say it takes a toll on your marriage eventually my husband and I used to fight a lot when it comes to care of his mother because she had home health aides but complain all the time about them so my husband got rid of aides that's how we got stuck with her care and believe me when I say we had no life i go to work for 5am so i had to get up at 4 when i got to her house take careof her give meds at 5 for some reason she had her meds different time 2 in the morning 1 at 2 and then 5 I told my husband that's nonsense I ask him if the doctor said to do that he said no and talk about attention she wanted all his it's all about her let me tell u oh my goodness when we are talking laughing she don't like it she would call him what happen she goes oh I can't change the channel or I can't reach the blanket stupid things or all of a sudden she have to go to bathroom when she goes Notting it's all a game and drama with her my mother-in-law is evil wicked if we too quiet she calls unsual we are trying to get some time for us intimate and I think she had known that so u see it was a lot my husband realize what she was doing I told him also she is so manipulativ oh my I never though some mother's are like that so you have to do what's best for you and your family

Just tell your husband, to get some help to help you out. It's about helping you and him to assist your mother. The fact that she is with you means hubby is trying his best to be the caretaker. Being with her, around her is far more important than who it is who handles the butt wiping or other details. His father would be proud that he has stepped up to the plate and probably wouldn't bat an eye if someone else also helped.

Not at all. Even the most
STELLAR caregiver is going to need a reprieve from time to time.

Thank you to all who have taken the time to reply to this post and have given me advice and reassurance. I know we are not the only ones who have and are going thru this difficult time. We made our meeting with our Priest and he prayed for us and prayed over us and he basically explained to us that we made a commitment to each other "for better or worse" and that this is just another stoney path we are traveling across Together not alone, and that our Lord has not abandoned us, that He would not allow us to cross this path without the proper equipment or some tough boots. He explained to my husband that yes it is necessary for our health and relationship to ask for help. No matter what help that may be or for how long. The Father offered to try and speak to some members of our church and seek out anyone who may have more insight into this situation or someone who could even accompany my MIL at the church so that we could step out for a meal together. (This was very touching to me, that he would go out of his way to even think of doing that for us).

The Father explained that it will take a community effort and to continue to seek out aid in the mean time, to continue to pray over this matter, and for my husband to speak with his family and for them to come together and figure out what plan they have or what will work in everyones eyes as the best care for their mother. He explained to us that we will be blessed for everything that we are doing and that we truly are good people trying to do everything we can to help out, but that the most important thing is for us is to not lose Our family over this situation.

My husband explained he did agree that help was needed and that he needed to learn to cope and accept what he can control and cant. And we agreed to keep our communication open and to let each other know what we were feeling instead of holding on until it reached a boiling point. The Father asked us to give each other a hug and that was the most emotional and comforting thing we have done for each other in a long time. (I realized where we once use to work together we had now worked against each other, and even something as simple as a hug was difficult for us to do because we were in our own worlds at this point) and the Father explained that when we are sooo stressed when we are sooo tired, for us to just stop and hold on to each other, and cry if we need to but to not let each other go.

We felt very relieved after our meeting, we cried, we held each others hands and we talked some more in the car ride home. We discovered all of the miscommunication that was going on from our lack of communication, we agreed to leave things in the Lord's hands and take on only what we have control over, he agreed to no longer take on his extended families stresses/complaints/guilt and focus on rebuilding our family. I agreed that i would no longer try to go out of my way to do more than what is expected of me, especially since it was never really asked, i just took on those roles myself and couldnt admit it was burning me out. We agreed to try and make more time for each other, whether its sitting next to each other on the couch holding hands or going for a small meal or a walk at the park because we really were missing in our relationship and even though we were in the same household we hardly "saw" each other anymore.

We will continue to fight for our family, we will continue to pray and i hope this post helps someone find comfort or resolve some type of issue. I know everyones isnt the same, and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and for every cargiver or loved one caring for someone may the Lord continue to bless you for what you do or have done.

I can't help but notice that SIL is doing most of the work. You and your H do the second most (Fri - Sun afternoon). Why is BIL only tasked with Sunday afternoon?

It's the typical "daughter must do it" attitude. And because you as a woman are expected to help, you and your H get the second highest caregiving time.

Does someone stay with her overnight?

Adding to my reply to your update:

Shame and disappointment applies to those who don't interact with their parents and/or help siblings through these hard times. The only exceptions are those who were abused or severely neglected as children.

It's nice they share the care and it's nice they are trying to provide care when they can still do so. Too often we read about absent or interfering siblings/other family.

You don't say, but it sounds like she is the one moving between homes. If so, this requires her moving several times every week! This will NOT help her stabilize. Routine is very important, more important than any promises made back in the day long before we ever heard of dementia.

Although one can feel not doing the hands-on care is shirking one's duty or promise, one can lovingly provide for a LO by ensuring they have hired staff in the home or are in the best facility one can find/she can afford, and you visit often and advocate for her.

Since you are researching about dementia and what to expect, you see where this might end up. She's likely in the early stages and fairly easy to deal with, but it doesn't get any better! Wandering, sun-downing, mood swings, incontinence are only a few of the hurdles that may arise.

I'm sure you know your MIL's condition will not improve. It regressed after the hospital stay. Every move/change in "routine" could precipitate more regression. This is something your husband and siblings need to learn. If you can provide them with information about dementia and the progression, that might help. If she has assets, use it for hiring in-home care or pay a facility. If she has no assets, there might be financing available, depending on her income.

The mentality "...they can't just "throw her somewhere"." needs to be addressed. Moving someone to a facility isn't throwing someone out - it is ensuring the person is in a safe place with appropriate care. As it progresses, it will become more difficult to care for her. The burden should not fall on you when you are raising children - this takes away from your ability to provide a stable happy home for them.

Many elders refuse to consider any senior housing, because of the bad rep NHs back in the day had. They often beg and plead with us to not "put them in a home." There are good and bad, better and worse places. You'll have to check them out, but they're not all bad and we're NOT horrible children for moving our parent(s) to a facility. One part of your "research" could be to find all the local places, check them out and see for yourself what they are like. When you find some nice places that are affordable, bring brochures and encourage the others to check the places out with you. Often you can get sample meal with a tour, and see first hand the care provided. Go other times as well, to see for yourself how the residents and facility are cared for.

Hoping you provide information and what to expect to your husband and the others and get them to understand this is going to become more difficult over time AND it isn't shirking duty to use a facility. Try to keep it simple enough to make the points, but not so much that they don't read it. Research/check out local MC places and find those that you think they might like and agree to.

Meanwhile, let them do all the mom care - you assist hubby by providing meals, laundry, etc, and be supportive when she is under your roof, but remain focused on your own "duties" as mom and wife. If the mom care falls on you and you take it on, he won't get the full picture. It's easy to let the care be taken over by you and fool oneself to think one is providing for one's own parent(s). This is why some have suggested you plan all day outings with the kids on the weekend - if he has to toilet, bathe, feed and watch over mom, he may start to feel overwhelmed and may be more receptive to hiring help or considering one of the nice places you show to him.