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I am trying to avoid getting involved in another's couple's situation but my husband only hears the husband's side of things and won't listen to any explanations I offer that might provide different info than he hears from the husband.

The husband says his wife doesn't want him back home (he had a fall and has not been able to walk since then, so he is in a wheelchair, can't do steps) and is placing him somewhere after the rehab center he has been in releases him next week. In addition to the fall, brain injury, and back injury, he was also diagnosed with MCI. (Just on the basis of that, I tend to hear his side of things through that filter.) They live in a very old farm house, very cluttered, and I don't know if there is a first floor bathroom.

I'm trying to tell my husband (who has Moderate Cognitive Impairment) that I don't think Medicaid is going to pay for a placement as long as his home is suitable (safe) for him to return to and it has nothing to do with his wife "hating" him. My dh (if you don't know anything from previous posts, very domineering) is ordering me to call the wife and demand an explanation for why she is throwing her husband out of his home. Of course, I am refusing. I don't think it is my place to get involved in their problems. And I'm not going to my husband's pawn.

Any way, am I correct in thinking that the wife just can't say "I don't want him home," and Medicaid is going to then pay for placement somewhere?

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Would love to know the age of this man.

Yes, the wife can say she cannot care for her husband and ask for him to be placed. It can be because there is no bathroom on the first floor, it could be she can't afford outside help, it can be because she just cannot care for him physically. No one has to care for someone they don't want to care for. And from your description of this man's health needs, he may be better cared for in Long-term care.

You cannot argue with your husband. I agree, this is between the man and his wife. Tell your DH that its not for you or him to get involved in another couples marriage.
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Update -- dh encountered a "dementia moment" with his friend that caused him to question everything he'd been told. He called the wife (which I had refused to do days ago) and got a whole different picture of what is going on. He needed to talk directly to the wife instead of me talking to her and then telling him what she said because he would have never heard her "heart." When he heard her voice and the things she said and the love, care and concern she expressed, he realized that his friend was entertaining delusions. This is a good thing!
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Your problem is with your husband. He’s a busy body. Perhaps he thinks you will put him in a home too.

My suggestions are:

-Walk away when he starts demanding you to call. Or

-Tell him he can call the wife himself if he wants to. Or

-Tell him you called and the wife didn’t answer, so you left a message. Or

-Tell him you called and the wife threatened to call police on you and him for harassment.

Goodluck.
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polarbear Jul 2023
One more suggestion:

-Tell your husband that the wife agrees to keep her husband home if she has help. Since she can’t afford to pay, she wants to know how many days a week can your husband come over and help take care of her husband.
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A person needs to meet medical requirements for placement, and in this case the gentleman sounds as though he does. He also needs to meet financial requirements for Medicaid to pay. Medicaid does not play any role in finding placement -- that is up to the person, the family, and the discharge planner if the person is already in a hospital or facility. If a person cannot live independently but has a lot of money, they can hire 24/7 in-home caregivers. It sounds as though the house is not suitable for this, and that this family does not have a lot of money if we're talking about Medicaid. The wife seems to have indicated that she can no longer safely take care of her husband at home and the husband is blaming her for throwing him out. Perhaps it might be better accepted if this decision was framed as being ordered by the doctor.
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If the home is not a safe environment for the man or his wife, than yes, he should be in a home, for both of their health and safety. Medicaid will pay if he is unable to do ADL's by himself or care for himself.
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Why doesn't your husband call the wife, GG?

I would stay away from having any involvement in this conversation between guys with dementia.

I suspect your husband may be seeing the handwriting on the wall, no?

If discharge from rehab to home is deemed unsafe, then wife and discharge planners will work together to find a suitable placement.

In my state at least, only his assets and income count towards Medicaid. She is not required to spend her funds to place him in a facility. In fact, some of his income can be diverted to her if she needs it to maintain living in the community.

If you have any conversation with her, I'd make sure she's seen a qualified Elder Law attorney. And if she has, get the name.
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graygrammie Jul 2023
Yes, he did ask me to never put him away. I told him that I think his heart failure will take him long before the dementia becomes a bigger problem. I also used the standard line of, "We will do what is best for you."
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You can try to explain to him that the wife cannot take care of a wheelchair person because first, she is also old, second, he is not safe at home, and three he is going into care because the doctors agree and signed the paperwork, it is troubling when your dh is only hearing one side.
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graygrammie Jul 2023
I agree, he only hears one side. But he orders me to call the wife and get her side, and I won't.
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GG, I'm so glad this worked out!

Thank you so much for the update.
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