I don't want to take care of my mother anymore but I don't want to put her in a home. What can I do?

yours is a scary place to be. your losing income and income prospects and the future is scary and uncertain and in fact there doesnt seem to be a future that you can see. depression keeps you from having positive thoughts. there IS a future and when your mother is gone youll probably pick your life back up with a renewed intensity. im a stone mason and its 8 degrees outside. one starts feeling like there will never be another job because of the rough economy but reality wafts back and reminds me that the latter part of last summer was a whirlwind of nice projects. feelings of impending doom are the norm with depression.

With helping your mother for five years now, you've done far more than I knew I could ever do for my mom. My mom is in a beautiful residential care home with five other seniors and waited on hand and foot. She just broke her ankle this week which makes her care much more difficult. Please call your local senior social services and find out your options. My husband's mother was also in the same type care home situation with very little money. They will analyze your mother's financial situation and help you with placement. There are many more options these days than in the past for quality senior care. You must take care of yourself at this time. I know I would never want my children to feel like they had no choice but to care for me and be this desperate. Hugs to you.

I'm so sorry that you're so unhappy. Five years is a long time and I'm sure you see no end in sight. Sometimes when we get very depressed it's difficult to make any kind of a decision about anything. Are you able to make a decision regarding what you want for your life? You don't have to act on it right now but just decide what you'd like to do. Making a life change is very, very difficult to do when we're depressed but it's that change that may be a way out of the depression. So deciding what you'd like to do is going to be very difficult but I think once you've come to a few decisions you will begin to feel better about your life. When I cared for my dad in my home I got a volunteer job a couple of times a week and that really helped me. Getting out of the house, seeing other people, talking with other people....it was just what I needed. It was only a couple of hours a week but that was a couple of hours a week that I wasn't with my dad. I never knew what I'd come home to but it was worth the risk.

Your antidepressant may not be effective because your depression is not so much chemical in nature as it is situational. Just a thought. The only way to find your way out of the depression may be to make a change in your life. Since you live with your mom where would you go if she went into a NH?

If your son and DIL have a baby they may not be able to help you out much as they already have someone they're caring for 24/7. When my dad lived with me and my daughter I didn't expect my daughter to do much caregiving. That was my job. My dad, my responsibility. She'd help if I asked her but I didn't ask very often. She had her own life and I didn't want to put the burden of being a caregiver on her. No one really knew how awful I felt everyday, how unhappy I was.

I'm glad you're here and I'm glad you spoke up. Keep writing.

I feel very badly for you but your answer is in your question. You don't 'want' to place her, but it seems you 'need' to for your own health and happiness. You are just as important as your mom and you deserve a life too. That 'need' in no way makes you selfish, it just makes you human. You have reached your limits and no wonder - five years!

My mom lived with us for just a few months and I couldn't take her extreme control. It was awful. I finally gave up the F.O.G. (fear, obligation and guilt) and placed her in a nice AL.

Is she happy? No. Did she adjust? Yes.

My mom is one of those people that will NEVER be happy unless we can time travel back to 1978 when she was young, my dad was alive and she had her own house. Until I invent that time machine, she will never be happy. :)

Please keep in touch, whatever you decide. It's an ongoing, ever changing process and we're here to support you. God bless you and your mom.

I see you haven't filled in your profile yet, so we don't know where you live, or what your mother"s impairments are. If you are in the US, your mom should qualify for Medicaid. Medicaid has a program the provides help while people are still in their homes. For example, Mom might qualify for an adult day health program if there is one in your area. Or she might be able to have in-home care such an aid or care attendant. Various supplies and equipment may be provided. Medicaid also, of course, pays for suitable care centers when it is no longer feasible to keep Mom at home.

I'm sorry that things seem so hopeless, but there is help available. Start by calling your county Social Services and ask for a needs assessment. They can help you with information about financial aid for Mom so she can afford some of the care she needs.

Also, please call the doctor who has prescribed your medications and explain how you are feeling. Sounds like you are overdue for a change in meds or in doses. Feeling better will help you cope better.

I hear all of you there! I've been caregiver to my Dad for 6 months now living with him but actually doing it for 20 yrs since Mom passed. When he had his own house it was okay as he could do his tv watching & eating poorly if he chose to. Now that I am living with him because I didn't think he could manage alone anymore I am regretting this choice! He watches tv all day, never goes outside, smokes a pack a day and gets out of breath walking 20 feet or less. He won't eat or make a leftover meal unless I ask "are you hungry" then he only wants something small, like a piece of cheese or French bread. I work two days a week & when I get home he has only eaten the bread and nothing else. Then he starts having a drink around 10 or 11 am and takes a nap around 1pm. He is on oxygen 24/7 but takes it off to go outside to smoke. He is so inactive that he doesn't even have energy to shower except when we have doc appointments. He has major foot, nail & fingernail rot that leaves a lot of pieces on the rugs and I have a case of OCD so this really irks me! He talked about changing his sheets for a week until I finally did them! He doesn't even change his underwear or sometimes doesn't wear anything but a robe & tshirt. I made him wear slippers cuz I was getting dry feet walking in my own house without shoes...I now wear shoes. He gets up 3 or 4 times a night to watch tv & turns on all the lights (he has macular degeneration) and the lights shine in my room. He complains about everything I cook though he eats most of it. I want to live alone cuz this has broken me but I am afraid of putting him in a home due to costs and abuse I hear about. I have no friends here (we recently moved to get a house for both of us) and the only outlet I have is work or to the store. My sisters won't help at all and haven't talked to him since around 2005...We are planning on moving to Oregon as I have some friends there but my heart lies in Alaska. I am also worried that even if I get paid to do caregiving, once he passes, I will have no income and I could be too young to get SSI. I have two kids that don't help either and right now I am in the frame of mind that I just want out. Any suggestions that will work for us? Not a lot of money we have so moving to a duplex is out of the question. I just don't think I am cut out to be caregiver to him...if it were mom I'd be readily available as she was my best friend but passed in 1993...I am overwhelmed!

:(

I hope you can find an answer and feel peace

Both of you need to sign up for Medicaid! People have such an awful idea of NHs, but in 98% of them the care is adequate, and sometimes at home we can't provide care that is more than adequate. If your parent is in a home, and you have a job and an income, you will be able to oversee their situation to ensure they are well taken care of. If your parent is isolated in their home, they might blossom with the increased social activity in a facility. It happens often.

Your parent could live another 10 years. Medicaid will take the house, and there you will be, 58 or 67 years old, with no recent jobs on your resume. You will have to live under a bridge until you qualify for SS. This is not what your parent had in mind for you when you were a child.

Get help from the local Area Agency on Aging to find resources to give you at least time to get a job and earn some money. You deserve to have a life, and you need some income so your children aren't writing the same letter to us about you in 10 or 20 years.

God bless you both.

Being made to feel guilty is called emotional blackmail and is a form of verbal and emotional abuse. It is used to make the person both afraid and obligated. Has your mother always been this way?

Although your depression does sound rooted in your depressing situation, the meds should be helping. You also need to see a therapist to help you deal with the situation that you are in and to find some freedom from the emotional blackmail of guilt. You are not your mother's slave although it seems that your mother sees you as the chosen one for that role. Seek to live guilt free. Take control and take care of you.

First of all, the fact that mom stays up later than you do.....I'd ask for a mild sleeping pill for her. If she has a modest income, there are agencies that will send a caregiver for an hour or two either daily or a few days a week. At least you can get out and do something for yourself for those few hours. As for your son living there, he can help out somewhat, even if an hour at a time, especially if he and the child are living there rent free. I agree with the previous posters, you need to seek help to deal with your situation. It appears that not only your parent, but your son are emotionally blackmailing you. Good luck!

You feel as if you're burning the candle at both ends because you ARE burning the candle at both ends - and in the middle too! No wonder you can't see where to start.

I sympathise with how vulnerable you feel financially. There I'm in a similar position, but that's because I can't both work and look after my mother, and I've chosen to do the latter: I don't have additional family responsibilities, and I don't have a mother who expects me to wait on her hand and foot and take no time for myself. In my case everything I do is voluntary: it's not the same as the extreme pressure you're under.

In your place, here's the order I'd do things in:

1. Contact your local social services and find out what kind of support and financial help your mother might be entitled to, and what might be available to help you as her carer, too.
2. Put your CV together. Scan the internet, local papers, notices in shops, etc etc for job opportunities that would interest you. Leave your CV with suitable employment agencies. Start small if you prefer - even a part-time job, even one that you're hugely overqualified for, would still give you a schedule, get you out of the house, and put a little bit of your own money in your pocket - it would boost your morale beyond measure.
3. Remember that you are the lynchpin of this household. You are the person who holds it all together. Therefore your time needs take priority. Your mother probably won't like it. Well, tough. It's your decision, not hers, and you will still make sure that no harm will come to her.
4. Similarly with the family timetable. Someone needs to co-ordinate it and see how it's going to work best for everyone, and it should be you who calls the shots. I'm not one who thinks it suddenly becomes ok to tell your mother what time to get up, eat her meals and go to bed - she's not a child; but there needs to be compromise and your mother will have to give and take just as you do. My mother's a night owl, too; I could still do with her going to bed an hour earlier than she likes to - but so far I've wheedled her down from one in the morning to around about eleven at night, and I'm working on it.

Of course, I don't know how much help your mother needs with getting ready for bed. Is it actually unsafe for her to do it for herself, or just a matter of things not being done perfectly? If the latter, stand your ground, tell her you're going to bed at x:00 pm and she either gets ready before then or she's on her own. If the former: this is sneaky, but try getting her up earlier, making her a warm drink an hour or so before bed time (no DON'T put a slug of brandy in it - however tempting!), just subtly shifting the timetable towards more humane hours.

This is a FAMILY - everyone has to pull together. As head of the family now, it's for you to make sure they do.

And above all, stop pretending you don't have needs. You do. And they are NEEDS. Which means if they don't get their fair share of attention the whole house of cards will sooner or later collapse. Hope some part of this helps, good luck x

First, I am so sorry you are in this situation. You clearly have a kind heart and are a caring and compassionate person. My late aunt once gave me great advice. She said self-caring is not selfish. You deserve a better life for yourself, and you can't keep going like this. Your antidepressant may need to be checked or changed. However, these medications work on biochemical changes in the brain. Your depression is due to the situation in which you find yourself. Your son is not helping, and it sounds as though you are also helping to care for your grandchild. In order to survive, please call your local social services agency or elder care or contact your local senior center for advice on referrals. Please call your mother's doctor and ask for help. He or she can give her an Rx to help her go to sleep earlier so you are not kept awake at all hours. She also should be evaluated for referrals to assisted living or a NH. I know you do not want to put her in a home, but she is truly emotionally blackmailing you, inflicting guilt on you and making you into her personal servant. You are depressed because anyone in this situation would be depressed. Please sit down and ask yourself the following questions: If your mother died tomorrow, how would you live? What kind of income would you have? Where would you live? Would you be able to sell your mother's house and live on that income? You might want to write down answers about your own future. Then, ask yourself how you can move forward to achieve your own goals. As people age, they can become very selfish and self-absorbed. Or, maybe your mother was always this way. I do not know. What I do know from your post is that you need support to make changes in your life. Depression can be paralyzing. Please try to find a good therapist as you need someone to support you, listen to you and help you to make changes. You are a person of value and self-worth. Please know you have my full support!

My heart goes out to you (both of you who are taking care of your parents). If income is low, you need to contact your local social services to find out what help may be available. It may take several calls following different leads, but trust me, you will find some help! I am certain that some local Home Care organizations accept Medicaid. Regardless, the quality care provided is at very affordable rates so it may be something worth looking in to, even if you receive vouchers, to get the most return in caregiving hours. Is your brother able to help with paying for a caregiver since he is not helping in other ways? If your health deteriorates, you are not going to be any good for your mother, your grandchild, and you will find yourself needing help! If you have exhausted all avenues, you really need to look at placement in an ALF or NH. I wish you the very best!

I checked almost all of the answers here - they are all excellent advice for you. Even rural areas, if that is where you live, have an Area Agency on Aging. They are the best place to start. Is there an adult day center where your mother can go? If mobility is an issue, does she have a wheelchair? Is there a church with helpful people? In my own community, the Episcopal church we now attend is full of helpful people and even programs for seniors or others in need (they have a transportation ministry, for example.)

As others said, you are the head of the household. It can be very hard but you must take care of yourself or else what will happen to everyone? Give and take is important in family. Don't be the only one giving.

In the beginning of your question, I thought I had written your story. I noticed a responder had said medicaid will take the house. In Pa, if you have lived in the house while caring for the parent, the house can be legally turned over to you, as per our elder care lawyer. Before you make any decisions on what to do about this you really should get all the information you can.

I know that in California, if the doctor says that your loved one needs to be watched full time ....cannot be alone....than you qualify for help. Check with the county social services or city social services and ask for help. They have resources for you. I for one found an Adult Day Care that works on a sliding scale. It is run by the CYO. Take a look online for these types of places in your area. We pay a nominal fee based on moms social security income. If you cannot afford it, they pay it. Mom goes twice a week. They will arrange for transit if I need it. But, now I just take her one day and my niece takes her another. She is there for breakfast and lunch two days a week. My sis in law takes her to lunch and exercise at the senior center two other days. Look for a Senior Center in your area,. There is transit to assist in most cases provided by the city or county. Lastly, my husband and I spend one or two nights a week in a hotel. We consider it a necessary expense and we reimburse ourselves. There are respite facilities ie: assisted living centers that will take your mom for a weekend here and there. Look for these. The break helps. I am not happy with my situation but, it is a bit less harsh/difficult because of these solutions. Good luck:)

My heart goes out to you. Please take that drive/ coffee break time, pray and BE STILL! Hear GOD's direction. It might not be the one you would choose but it will be the right one. On the other hand it might be more than you could think, hope or ask. Remember you are a child of the most HIGH GOD!
Lastly, know that praise is your weapon! When praises go up blessings come down. That is not my words that is GOD's WORD. GOD Bless you!

Hmmm. Where do I start. Taking care of a parent is such a loving, caring thing to do, but most of us don't know what we are getting into when we choose this path. Sometimes it's not as if we really choose it either, we sort of stumble into it because our parent expects us to, or our family expects us to, or we think we have an obligation because our parents raised us and we owe them. This is where we start our path to purgatory. As time goes on this gets worse because you then feel like your parent depends on you and would die without you, and that it would be cruel to do anything else. It is a lot like a self licking ice cream cone, the hole just keeps getting deeper. None of this is our fault, and it's not really our parents fault either. Our parents have become like children in the sense that nothing really matters to them anymore other than themselves. For the most part I think they are completely clueless about the toll this takes on their child. So, here is what I'm going to tell you, you are not responsible for your Mom, nor are you obligated to take care of her. You have made it easy for your other family members by doing all of it, and it is not fair. But that's ok in a way, since they haven't participated then they don't really have a right to say in how things go from here. Some people can't help, they are not emotionally able to do so, or they are so buried in their own problems that they can't handle they can't possibly deal with more. So be it. We are all different. My brother is a great guy, but he works all the time, and he would like to help more, but it's not really feasible. Even if that weren't the case, he would gladly build a house for my Mom, but her day to day care is not something he could handle. I get that. You cannot choose the path for other people, you can only choose your own path. It is your life, you won it, and you do not owe your life to anyone else. Period. Seek help from the county, your Mom surely qualifies for Medicaid. They can get someone to start coming into her home if that is what she wants, but you do not have to continue caring for her every need. Do some looking around and figure out what it is that you want, YOU, not what anyone else wants you to do. Ask God to give you the strength to do for yourself what you know you need to do. He will hear you. It is not a sin to want your own life. And truth be told, your Mom would probably get better care either from the social services available for her or from moving into a care facility that can give her the level of care she needs. She might even start to like it since she would be around people her own age with similiar interest and ailments. I do not mean that you have not provided proper care for your Mother, no one could provide more love than you have, but you have limits, care facilities are equipped to deal with whatever the need is. Here is the prayer I say often, "Lord help me to help my stupid self." Try it, if nothing else, it will make you smile. Oh, yeah, one more thing, find something that makes you laugh, an old movie or cartoon or watching dogs in the dog park, whatever, and then have yourself a really good belly laugh, one that makes it hard to breath. Then you will know you are alive and that your life is worth living. God Bless you soul sister!

Taking antidepressants while letting someone beat you up emotionally by dumping blame and guilt all over you for doing the best you can, and more, is a little like a smoker with asthma taking asthma meds and continuing to smoke. Look, Mom does not have the right to be totally demanding of 100% of your time and energy, but you are giving it to her. Christianity does not mean being a doormat. Quite possibly some of the things you are spending your time and energy are not necessary and not making your mom any happier, and it is ruining your health. Get help via counseling if you can and do NOT let Mom punish you for taking the time to do that once a week. Brother may be wise to refuse to become Mom's slave or doormat, nor to subject his wife or child to that. But from what you say, her is probably willing to be there so Mom is not alone, but just not willing to put up with the level of crap you have been putting up with. If mom hassles him continually while you step out for anything, maybe he could use help on how to set limits with that so his solution is not to imply that you should never get a break.

The county where you live should have a program to assist you and your mother. They have a listing of qualified caregivers who can be dispatched to your home for several hours a day. Their services are paid for by the State's (where you live) Department of Health and Welfare.

Sit down with your Mother and Son and say: "I am worn out and WE need to make changes. I CANNOT do this anymore. How can YOU help? Mom you will have to go to bed earlier or put yourself to bed. I NEED sleep. Son, you are here and MUST do more. How can YOU help? WE need to find a senior citizen facility, daycare, assisted living, or nursing home. I CANNOT do this anymore. How can you help?"
Let them respond or rant. Tell them again you CANNOT do this anymore. How can THEY help? What can WE do different? I MUST make changes. I AM SICK. I NEED help. If they refuse to cooperate then it's time to make hard decisions. Without sleep and personal time and space you will NOT get better. Nobody wants to put their mother in a home because they do not want to be in a home themselves. So what can you do different to make this situation better? ASK for help. From Mother and Son, from her doctor, your doctor, social services (phone book), ask your friends, or neighbors what or who they know. ASK!!! I am glad that you did ASK here. You took that first step. Take another!

I totally agree with crazindahead - ASK them for help.

In my state Medicaid will supply you with 3-5 days, 2 hrs per day, of home health aides. My mother has dementia and would love me to be with her 24/7. I have postponed my retirement in order to keep my sanity. I love my job and it gives me some relief from the trials of caring for my mother. I have been fortunate enought to be able to hire two HHAs to be with my Mother while I'm at work.

Hang in there and do whatever you can to give yourself a break. You deserve it. If you don't take care of yourself, you will not be able to take care of anyone else.

You and all the other wonderful caregivers are in my prayers.

I have been taking care of my gma for 5 years as well and on the end of my rope. None of her kids want to help. She runs everyone off.. she's mentally and emotionally abusive. She's miserable and talks about wanting to die everyday. Negative and angry. She starts fights with me and calls me names insults me and accuses me then has me make coffee and asks how long am I going to be mad. I use to get upset and cry a lot but she's hardened me and now I just get mad. I am only 23 I didn't go to college and I've had one job because I've put my life off to take care of her. I'm also a Christian. It's hard. I keep thinking when will God see I've had enough.. I can barely stand her anymore I don't even enjoy her company and it saddens me so because I love her. She's said so many horrible things and promises me things to hold them over my head so ill jump thru hoops. I'm just a servent to her she also makes me feel bad when I go do anything. Did j mention I'm 7 months pregnant now.. and she's driving me crazy not to mention has little fits like a child were she screams and grinds her teeth.. my son can hear this it makes me sad. I've had enough.. I'm done

You are so young to have this kind of responsibility. What if you just told her kids that you can no longer take care of their mother. You are having a baby! That should be a joyful time for you. Raising a child is a full time job. Your stress level will double. You need to take care of yourself. Please talk to her kids and be strong.

Let us know how you're doing.

Medicaid usually will pick up your parent and bring them to Daycare and pay for it all, even when wheelchaired. You could work again and then have dinner together and put her to bed with a sleeping aide. You are more fortunate than you think for sure. Your Mom toilets herself, your son does light housework and you can go out in the car, thats huge, I pay money for help with those things. Try to find a balance in your life with her and not do it all. She isnt tired because she has to stay busy emotionally and physically, daycare will do that. I hope you can make it work out with her.

I feel for you.. I'm a single mother of 3, twin girls 9, 7 month old son; my kids & have made 1 of the ultimate sacrifices, our beds; I've been staying with my 78 yr old mother in her 1 bdrm apartment, the past 3 months. I am motivated to look for a house though I don't have a dime, I'm looking; I've also started the process of going through housing authority. My mom is diabetic among other ailments, the use of an oxygen machine, not wanting to be alone; she also has occasional mild anxiety attacks which kicks in her insistent desire to go to the hospital; mostly she can be distracted from that desire, but at times she's so insistent I just give her what she wants; it gives us all a break anyway- LOL, am I wrong?- My mom & I have a strangely estranged relationship; we're not that close, not in the deep-seeded nurturing level, more so on a just the basics level, and sadly that's with both parents. I give my parents credit, and appreciate them for raising, and taking care of me even to this day- I'm 33- and that appreciation is extended through things done for my kids also, but I still grew up with dysfunction between my parents, that left scars on my adult life. I do have older half-sibs, from my mom and dad, but... I wonder how much they'd be around if I wasn't. I technically don't have an income, I am trying to go through the process of being paid to be her caregiver. She drives me nuts, she always has shallow, smart-ass, unimportant comments to make and whats more condescending is that she always thinks it's so cute. It's maddening!! If you ask her how she's doing, here comes the negative, self-pity with a smile, and I hate to say it, but over the years I've grown to- I don't want to say hate- I just really can't stand the sound of her voice; but I'm here for her, she's been there for me, even now. I pray/hope so very hard that my relationship with my daughters can be different. They're great, they don't complain much about not being at home, just an occasional gripe, but then again I gripe with them; they're wonderful helpers. The twins love their grandma to death, but I know she drives them insane too. Along with dealing with my mom, I have other personal issues I'm working thru; taking care of my mom helps me shift my focus a little. Hopefully I won't get to the anxiety med stage, I'd rather wait for them to legalize marijuana in PA- it's coming I can feel it! She makes me want to leave, but I know I'm stronger than that. I would like to radiate some of my strength onto you. It helps me to keep in mind the 5th commandment.

leona, the 5th commandment says to honor (treat with respect) which is one thing, but not to make oneself a martyr. I hope that you and your children can get out of there and that your siblings will step up and do their part in taking care of your mom.

I totally agree with Lucysmom. If your son is living there rent free, it shouldn't be a question of his liking or not liking to help out your mom. Since he is also a parent, he must know that it's not always about what he feels like doing in taking care of his child, switching over to your mom is similar. You help him take care of his baby, he can help you. Quid pro quo. Life is a business - what would he do if you died from exhaustion?

I understand where you're at mentally. The last 3-4 years I took care of my mom I was so ungodly depressed that sometimes I wished I would just die already so I could stop feeling so damn wrung out, exhausted and sick.

I understand the fear about money, too. The not having any part and what it will mean down the road, or when the care giving journey is over. It's good that you're thinking about it. You need to. I would have nightmares those last few years I was so afraid of the future. Losing my job wasn't part of my plan for life, but it happened.

Feeling depressed and almost paralyzed by fear is something that I can relate to. People have to start looking out for number one. Sign up for medicaid and get all the help you can get. Aides can free you up for a little while each day, or at least several times a week. You can even get paid to care for your mom if you take a course from what I've read around here. I wish I would have known that a long time ago.

Everyone here has given stellar advice. There is hope. Do your research and then get that help you desperately need. There's nothing wrong with looking out for yourself and don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise. *hugs*