My mother-in-law has a level of dementia that is concerning and so we are going to be moving her to a facility with a higher level of care. She will be moving from a one bedroom /2 bath apartment she had once shared with her husband to a studio apartment.
For as long as I've known her, she has been a bit of a hoarder but with dementia, it is a bigger issue. It increases her already heightened level of confusion. I have noticed how much better she is when she is at our house visiting or otherwise not surrounded by clutter.
BUT, she resists help. She said she had stuff packaged up for her other two out of state children and wanted to get them mailed. Great, she sounds like she is open to downsizing. We'll do that for her. Turns out she had nothing packaged up, just items in mind. So gave her two large plastic boxes suggesting she put things in for each kid and then we'd find appropriately sized boxes for mailing. Didn't want help and said she would do it the next day. A week later, the boxes remain empty and no signs of sorting,
She has an endless amount of clutter of no value such as old newspapers, magazines, empty junk mail envelopes, used hearing aid batteries, plastic bags, etc. She wants no help but my husband will deal with her wrath and gently explain that she doesn't need an August menu as it is October or if she hasn't read last week’s newspapers by now, she won't. I understand those with dementia put value on things with no value. Her son's patient handling of her has only resulted in a slower growth of clutter but not a reduction in clutter.
She brings back pastries and desserts from the dining room and leaves them around or in the refrigerator. Found a rock hard donut in the cupboard and smashed muffin in the newspapers. Not Healthy! She wouldn't let me clean out her refrigerator.
We had a discussion at our house how I could reclaim some kitchen things I loaned to her that were never used and there would be no space for in a new place. She agreed I should take them. Oh my, once I did that she said "I still use that." or "I will want that in my new place," as we went through the box of Tupperware I had packed up clearly laying claim to them.
So guys, with a mother-in-law with dementia with an increasing hoarding issue with a downsize in space in less than 30 days, what do we do?
OR????????
Thanks for any input anyone can provide.
This will be a good test for my Common Sense Hat! OK, let's see..
1. Perishables. Yes, throw away. No discussions here.
Just do it.
2. Working with her - asking her permission *with limits*. Items could be sorted without her. Then where multiple items exist, MIL gets to choose her favorite ONE or a REASONABLE amount from the options. Eg one teapot, two vase (one big, one small), three cardigans etc.
3. Working with her - *with limits & autonomy*.
Can you agree on some 'rules'? Some areas you & DH are able to sort without her. Starting with non-sentimental items is an excellent idea Eg: newspapers 1+ day, magazines 1+ week old, financial papers.
4. Tough Love.
Just move MIL & her essentials in. Her favorite clothes, a small number of favorite ornaments + photos in frames. A nice throw rug.
Reassure her the rest is safe in the garage - for sorting later. Re-assess what gets missed. You may even find nothing does!
A friend had to do this for her Mother. One family member took Mom out for the day. The others moved everything into the garage. It worked! Tears yes, but knowing her stuff was 'safe' & not thrown away was key.
Nothing from the garage was later asked about (out of sight out of mind). But to feel OK the family fished for consent before disposing: "Oh so & so may be able to use your old what'sit - mind it we give it away?"
I would take option 1.
Try 2 & 3... but if they fail, take option 4. Knowing you tried your best to involve her - but in the end are doing what's best for her.
1) Use this weekend to do things that won’t be noticed, and to get your head around the next steps. One poster recently suggested leaving the front row of things in cupboards, and removing the less visible things behind them. The same could work for the refrigerator, even if you buy new cheap things to put along the front of the shelves – although the fridge can always be done later.
2) Work out what will go best in the ‘new place’, so that you are ready to move and install it in a short time. It would help a lot if mother could be somewhere else for a day or two while you get the new place set up. Another trip with DH? Or even respite care? You want to take her straight to the new place, with it set up with her things and looking nice. Being in the middle of moving is miserable for anyone, but would be horrible for her (and with her present).
3) Let her enjoy finding ‘her things’, not dwelling on the things that didn’t come with her. Put her things on the walls where they are very visible, even if it means hanging up clothes there!
4) It’s more expensive, but try not to make it all happen on the same day. Two or three days while the new place is empty and you can work on it, will help a lot. The other end of the move that would help a lot is for mother to be somewhere else while her current house is emptied out. Certainly don’t plan to put her house on the market the day after she moves out!
5) Don’t try to get agreement in advance or at the time. You already know that it won’t work.
6) Reassure her by saying that ‘nothing’s been thrown away’, but leave her living in the new place for at least a week so that she has a ‘new life’ – and the things that aren’t in the new place are part of the ‘old life’ that she isn’t using now. When she gets to see what you have kept (wherever it is) don’t ‘display’ it. Leave it in stacks or plastic boxes (or stacks of plastic boxes!), that are a bit overwhelming to get at.
7) DON’T tell her that ‘it was all rubbish’ or ‘you were never going to use it again’. Tell her that you were so upset sorting it that you cried most of the time. ‘I did the best I could because I just had to spare you having to do such an upsetting job’. Get her feeling sorry for YOU. It’s healthier for her.
I suppose this all adds up to what you called an ‘aggressive’ approach – just not done in front of her.
Good luck! Sorting out an ‘old life’ is horrible, even if it’s your own. My mother and my second MIL had accumulated the treasures of a lifetime from more than one family member, and I ended up with a heartbreaking sort. Just don’t try to do this in the middle of a MIL meltdown. Yours, Margaret
In general, we've found it best not to ask dementia patients to make decisions. It's an exercise in futility.
One suggestion, try to set up Mom-in-law's furniture similar floor-plan to that of her current bedroom, if at all possible. I did that for my Dad when he moved into senior living and it helped him not panic whenever he woke in the middle of night thinking he was in a strange bedroom.
Also, bring Mom-in-law's current bedspread and her towels [unless the facility supplies the towels]. Set up the bathroom counter similar to how Mom-in-law has it at her current location.
My Dad had hundreds of books. I asked him to narrow the books down. The standing joke was Dad narrowed the 200 books down to 199. Lucky I was able to fit all of his bookcases, even got one into his closet. The books were comfort for him.
I would not clean out her personal things till she is gone. I would clean out her frig and cupboards of expired food.
Get together all she will need to live in her one room. My Mom had a twin bed she used when living at her house once she had to stay on one level. She had a chest of drawers. Had two closets so did not need any more than that. Had a TV stand, her recliner with a small table next to it and a small bookcase. I had the microwave removed but she had a frig. I put paper plates, cups and plastic utensils in her kitchenette just in case she had company. Mom got 3 meals a day and snacks. Always some kind of party going on. I left water in her frig but I saw no reason for snacks.
When walking down the hall if I saw a door open because of Housekeeping I would a peek. Some people had their whole bedroom set using the low dresser to sit the TV on. Others had little tables with chairs in the kitchenette.
I only took clothes Mom would wear that season. Her other clothing I put in under the bed boxes I stored in my room abd the guest room. I took her bedspread. I was told to bring nothing of value. No knick knacks worth a lot.
Then....I cleaned out Moms house. Room by room. I got rid of clothing she would never wear. I kept only a few "dress up" type of clothing. Shoes, comfortable ones. Maybe a pair or two of dressy. I asked my brother what did he want, and kept that for him to pick up. I had a storage box for each child. As I found pictures and stuff Mom kept of my siblings, I thru them in their box. I took stuff to thrift stores, gave stuff away. And thru away.
Do not sit and reminisce or you will never get done, if your not sure of something, throw it in a box and go thru it later. You can get a storage unit for things your thinking of selling. MIL is not going to need anymore than what she now has. It gets even less if they need Longterm care at some point. Right now my Moms whole life is in a storage box that I will be going thru in the next few months now she has been gone over 5 yrs.
Just get in there and DO IT!
With the help of her aunt (my friend--this is her niece) we were able, in 4 separate days of 8 hrs apiece, able to clean out a corner of her bedroom. A CORNER. And one small bookcase, which she promptly hoarded out before the next week rolled around and we were back.
In her case, had we just shown up and done the cleaning, it would have been clean to the floor in 2 days. As it was--it was an exercise in total futility.
Hoarding is one of the worst behaviors to 'break', b/c to the hoarder, EVERYTHING has equal value to them. And unless you are super organized and clean, it will all be dust encrusted and filthy. I was washing off perfume bottles (she must have had 50) that were so dusty, you could not read the names on them. I opened a nightstand drawer and there was a solid inch of thick dust on everything. She wouldn't throw a thing away, but she also couldn't tell what was 'necessary' to keep and what was trash. Some of that perfume was 40 years old, and had 'turned', but she felt such an emotional attachment to it, we didn't throw out one single bottle.
She ASKED for our help. We knew, going in, that she would not be amenable to really getting organized. And within the first 15 minutes she had 'fought us' on so many things we knew she was going to not succeed.
So--as far as your mom--I'd move her first with just the basics, then go into the 'old' apt and just be brutal about tossing stuff. She'll be mad, but it's the ONLY way to get the stuff out in a reasonable time period. Barb's comments were spot on!
And she'll hoard out the new room, too, just so you know.
My mom was a hoarder and after she passed, my YB went through her place like a tornado. It was bagged, boxed and vaccuumed within 24 hours after her death.
At first I thought he was being manic--time has passed and I see now that he simply had to reclaim the home from her stuff--it was NOT personal--he just was so sick of the dust, grime, bird feathers, and tons and tons of junk.
Mom didn't have dementia. She was just attached to all her stuff.
My friend? We quit after day 4 and told her when she was ready to actually get rid of things, and wanted a clean room, we'd be back. It's been a year and I know I'll never be back.
One thing--when you are cleaning be sure to check pockets of clothes, envelopes, magazines, etc. I was able to find about $500 in loose cash in my friend;s place. She stick a $50 bill in a book as a bookmark and then 'lose' the book. Money was/is super tight for her and I couldn't believe she was so laissez faire about the cash she had tucked all over the place.
I wish you luck. As much as I love to clean out a hoard, that's how much I hate knowing that I am setting myself up for a scolding.
My MIL was gone early Sat morning to Mon afternoon. I tackled the refrigerator/freezer first. There were life forms on some of the 20+ desserts from the dining hall that were in the refrigerator and maybe 10 more pastries on the counter of varying hardness. Cleaned the freezer too. Also got rid of food that had expiration dates in the cupboards. Absolutely no guilty feelings...it was clearly a health concern. COULD NOT STOP! I gathered more trash, recyclable stuff, sorted, and cleaned. Spent a total of about 8 hours. Lots of hoarded items and trash. Lots of paper and little things so went slow. I didn't get to the bedroom. There was far more I could have done.
What was her reaction? Well...initially her focus was on the table missing her piles of newspapers when we brought her back on Monday. Pointed out she had a new newspaper and another one to be delivered the next morning. Didn't stick around long. The next day she lit into my husband. I was not there. She accused me of taking or throwing out important stuff. With exception of the perishable food and the reclamation of some kitchen stuff, every example she gave was something I didn't touch or even put someplace different and my hubbie pointed that out. He told her she was moving which requires downsizing and starting now rather than later. Then she got angry about that saying that he made the decision where to move. He reminded her that she toured three places and the place she is going is what she liked the best, so she was part of the decision. He said she really needs to accept our help as she cannot move by herself. He told her we both will be packing her up. We've come to conclusion that no matter how we approach this, there will be conflict. If we let her "help at the level, she wants to than she would be taking everything, or it would take more time and patience than we have to convince her otherwise.
Well done - be proud of yourselves 👏👏
Then move her.
Then sell/donate/trash after she's left.
And expect her for years to come to be complaining about how you threw away her slow cooker. But you can't have everything...
If you have the opportunity to try to make the home safer hygiene-wise, I say do it. She has dementia and is being moved to a higher level of care and will not even notice if her rotting food and crap gets thrown away.
You can't let her help because she can't really help with the cleaning out. After you've gotten rid of half of her hoarded crap and junk, give her a couple of boxes of stuff, sit her somewhere and tell her to make two separate piles. One of what she's keeping and one for things she wants to "donate". Even if it's absolutely useless garbage, always call it "donating" for less fortunate people. This makes things easier.
Do the work now while she's out of town and you can get it done.
You'll feel better.
I had to clean their house out when I moved the to assisted living. It took weeks.
they movedninto a tw bedroom apartment and she kept buying. When Dad passed I moved her to an efficiency. She was not happy
fast forward, she is still shopping and the room looks like crap. I wish I had advice for you but it is a mental illness and they cant stop hoarding
mom has an obsession with paper and Kleenex. I can’t tell you how I wish I could tell you it will stop but just monitor and when you can, clear out the stuff.
does she notice you cleaning out items? My Mom does and she has a razor eye
I was throwing away the 50 catalogs a day and she caught on, she now manipulates the morning staff to bring the mail
I would not ask, just do it. Pack a small amount of stuff to get her started in her new place and then throw 90% of it away. She'll complain but so what. Don't engage with the complaining. It's got to be done.
TG plastic bags are now outlawed by my State. Been fighting with him since he moved in with Mom about the bags all over his room. I even gave him a trashcan with a lid to put them in. Now he lives in his own apt. Because of COVID he had Amazon boxes all over. It was a 2 day stay in the hospital that gave me and DH the chance to clean him out. His excuse when you ask him why "I may need the bags and boxes and just haven't gotten thru the mail" His Mom was the same way and he only lived with her till he was 7 when she passed. He does have neurological problems.
My MIL, if it was refrigerated or frozen it was OK. When she was expecting company, she went out and shopped getting things she felt they would like but she didn't eat. She sent my husband home with some snacks she had in her pantry. I did not look at the expiration date. Have u ever eaten a rancid water cracker? Everyone of the boxes were expired. We went to visit one Thanksgiving and she had a frig drawer full of bagels and rolls that were expired. I went to get a bagel and it was hard and dated tge Nov of the year before. I cleaned out the drawer. She was not happy. I told her the stuff was expired it was not good. She thanked me later when it gave her more room in the frig for TG leftovers.
Wasn't that cleanout a total rush?? The couple of times I have been successful in helping a hoarder and progress was actually made, I felt such exhilaration! Even getting yelled at by the person I was helping and knowing that they'd have recalimed a lot of stuff and the cleanout was only temporary--there was a moment of really feeling helpful.
And good that DH stood by your side and supported you!!!
I wish I knew what 'triggered' hoarding behavior. The excuse that these are people who live through the Depression are starting to wear thin. It's a mental disorder I simply don't 'get'.
My MIL Has the opposite 'disorder'. You walk into her house and you would think that it was empty and had been staged for a sale. There is nothing on her counters or dressers. Her LR is empty but for the basic furniture. The basement is completely empty, but for some paper goods and canned salmon. (!)
It's weird, but nice. When she passes the 'work' to clear her place will be minimal.
Start with the end date and what needs to be accomplished. Make other "mini deadline dates" when different goals must be accomplished. Examples:
empty out "extra bedroom,"
downsize kitchen items to amount new kitchen will accommodate (drawers and cabinets in new place),
sort all clothes to those that fit and don't need alterations,
sort out all decorative/memorabilia to those which are intact and have storage room in her new place,
all items that belong to others removed - you can box or get rid of them once out of her home,
packing all her belongings for the move,
clean out her old place.
Ask for her help in setting dates for these deadlines and post on a large calendar(s) that is posted someplace prominent. Make appointments to help accomplish the sorting (probably 1-2 days per week) in order to make those deadlines. Ask her doctor for anti-anxiety medications for her to use during those days when you are changing her living spaces.